Can you fix / mend a relationship after someone has cheated?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 12, 2011 9:06 PM GMT
    I dated my ex for almost 3 years we moved in together after 1 year and he moved out nov 30. I am just looking for opinions and possibilites and not judgements. But I cheated about halfway through the relationship and I am a completely different person now. I guess I still hope that we can fix things. He is bitter and cold and I think it is because he is hurt and doesnt know how to deal with it. I know I am a different person, therapy and support has helped me realize the error of my ways and I do still love him and will always love him. But is there a chance or is it gone forever?

    If I was to do something amazing and thoughtfull, do you think it would help?

    I want to go out of the box to show him that he is the only one for me and that no matter what I am committed 110% to living a happy monogamous life together. I was thinking that when I meet with him for coffee burst out into song in front of everyone but I feel that would be cliche as it was done on glee last week but I know it is something I can do.

    I also realize that i would have to prepare for either reaction! Good or bad cause it could go either way.

    As I said looking for opinions, help but not looking for people to judge as easy as that is.

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    Feb 12, 2011 9:18 PM GMT
    People can change, and forgiveness is possible.

    But I don't think you can expect him to truly believe it until he experiences monogamy with you (again).

    I think the best you can hope for in the short term is that he might be willing to re-explore a relationship with you.

    If he says yes to that, the onus will be on you to prove you can be faithful. If you then demonstrate - consistently over time - that you are now committed to a monogamous life with him there is the possibility he will let go of past hurts.

    Much of this, however, depends on the kind of person he is and how willing he is to re-try having a relationship with you and how willing he is to take a risk with trusting you.

    In the end, if he says no, then you will have learned a very powerful lesson which you can draw on to ensure r/ship success in the future with someone else - that cheating on someone you love can sometimes/often cause irreparable damage. So don't do it again!

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    Feb 12, 2011 9:36 PM GMT
    You only want opinions from posters that say yes you are right, he has issues and go for it?

    Well, you'll get two opinions here.
    You said,
    "I guess I still hope that we can fix things. He is bitter and cold and I think it is because he is hurt and doesn't know how to deal with it."

    Bill: 'I think he does know how to deal with it, he left you. You're just not understanding why he's bitter, and cold.'

    Doug: 'His bitter and cold is his only line of defense against becoming vulnerable again to a repeating of history. He is your learning experience. You mentioned that you are a completely different person now. I'd guess that you were a different person when you met and fell in love, and became a different person that cheated on him. Now you're back to caring monogamous you. But how is he to know, or you, that you won't change yet again into someone that will cheat on him again after another year or so?'

    Both of us are seeing it this way. He was in love, you both went for monogamy, you cheated, he didn't. He was smart enough to leave, rather than withstand more. He was hurt, and yet this is now him having problems? I don't think you understand what dreams, suddenly broken, it cost him to leave.

    Though what you propose is noble in intent, I'd spare him the dramatic declaration and work on becoming FRIENDS instead. If anything at all is ever to come out of this, it will take a lot of time and a lot of patience.

    -Doug





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    Feb 13, 2011 12:19 AM GMT
    meninlove said You only want opinions from posters that say yes you are right, he has issues and go for it?

    Well, you'll get two opinions here.
    You said,
    "I guess I still hope that we can fix things. He is bitter and cold and I think it is because he is hurt and doesn't know how to deal with it."

    Bill: 'I think he does know how to deal with it, he left you. You're just not understanding why he's bitter, and cold.'

    Doug: 'His bitter and cold is his only line of defense against becoming vulnerable again to a repeating of history. He is your learning experience. You mentioned that you are a completely different person now. I'd guess that you were a different person when you met and fell in love, and became a different person that cheated on him. Now you're back to caring monogamous you. But how is he to know, or you, that you won't change yet again into someone that will cheat on him again after another year or so?'

    Both of us are seeing it this way. He was in love, you both went for monogamy, you cheated, he didn't. He was smart enough to leave, rather than withstand more. He was hurt, and yet this is now him having problems? I don't think you understand what dreams, suddenly broken, it cost him to leave.

    Though what you propose is noble in intent, I'd spare him the dramatic declaration and work on becoming FRIENDS instead. If anything at all is ever to come out of this, it will take a lot of time and a lot of patience.

    -Doug











    Thank you for your honest responses, When I said I didnt want judgements I just meant rude comments about me cheating. I realize the mistake I made now that he is gone. I never thought about it as breaking his dreams and how he had to give that up to leave. I was selfish and only thought of myself for fear of getting hurt yet right now all I do is hurt. I feel like if I make this grand gesture of love and do something I would have never normally done it would work, because it always works in movies! Why cant me going outside the box work now? I just want a happy ending.

    I am working at being friends, and its tough because I love him. I always will.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 13, 2011 12:24 AM GMT
    things, all things, can be worked out between two people who love each other......but then, there is that hitch....they have to know what true love is,,,on both sides.........................keithicon_wink.gif
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    Feb 13, 2011 12:29 AM GMT
    I would say buy a ukulele, hand it to him, and let him bitch-slap you with it. Just kidding! In all seriousness, I'd say copy your post and send it to him. That will show him your true feelings--unadorned, vulnerable--it's a start. Much luck!
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    Feb 13, 2011 12:37 AM GMT
    Since he was the one cheated on, it's really his call if he wants to get back with you or not.
    It's possible that you might not get back together. If he can't see past your cheating, then it's just not going to happen.

    One thing you might try is to allow him to make 5 outrageous demands of you. Things like going to couples counseling, you have to call him every day at a certain time, etc. If you agree to his outrageous demands then maybe you can work towards something and at some point he may be able to trust you again.

    You cheated on him so now he probably doesn't trust you. Singing to him might be a cute gesture, but it won't do anything to help him start trusting you.
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    Feb 13, 2011 12:42 AM GMT
    Trust is hard to earn and easy to lose and even harder to get back once it's lost. You know that what you did was a violation of trust so for you to think he'd take back is shows how little wrong you think you did. It ain't that simple. Personally, I wouldn't take you back because I wouldn't want to spend the relationship wondering what you are doing went (or rather who you are doing) when you aren't within arms reach of me.

    You fucked up, buddy. You should stop and ask yourself why you cheated in the first place and ask yourself if it was worth it? I'm gonna say it wasn't. Time to move on and hopefully you learned something from this.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 13, 2011 12:48 AM GMT
    NO! If someone cheats once, they will do it again!
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    Feb 13, 2011 1:12 AM GMT
    Well, that depends because once the seed of doubt is planted trying to make the tree bare the fruit-of-trust is a tough journey. So it depends on your own will and desire to bring and maintain that certain edge to the relationship.

    Here is a simple test: name ten things your partner likes?
    Then ask yourself if you care about any of them. The more you like, the more you can maintain that sparkle because you no how to make that soul happy. As the years go by your list should grow and everytime you are with that person you will do some of those things on the list with them just to see them smile, sqeeze your hand and hear them say those three magical words sponataneously.
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    Feb 13, 2011 1:14 AM GMT
    I think it is POSSIBLE, but it depends on the people involved in the relationship. I don't know if I could ever look at the guy the same way if he cheated on me. If it was something like he made out with someone then BFD, I will be pissed and upset, but will probably get over it. But if he had sex with someone else, I don't know if I could get that out of my head. The fact that he had to go to someone else behind my back for pleasure would be something hard to get over.

    If he really seemed to change and I really loved him then maybe I would let him try to mend it. But I kinda have trust issues anyway, so this would be something that is hard to get over.

    There is no harm in trying. Try to show you how much you regret it and how much you love him and maybe it could work. But that will be up to him.
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    Feb 13, 2011 2:11 AM GMT
    It's gonna take time, I think people are human and we all make mistakes, especially men. Sometimes our other head gets in the way, but doesn't make things right. Some people are forgiving and some people aren't, it's just how we are programed. He may or may not except things and you are gonna have to learn from a mistake that you made.

    I cheated once and had to learn the hard way, but I figured things out after some good counseling for a while.

    Now I met a really amazing man of 5 years now, SOLID.

    Wish you the besticon_wink.gif
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    Feb 13, 2011 2:20 AM GMT
    My ex had an affair for 4 months until I found out. It was the hardest thing to go through. and HE said he wanted to break up with ME now that I found out.

    we tried to make it work with couples therapy. I forgave him about the affair, however; I just could not forgive him.

    We broke up 18 months permanently after the affair.

    The best thing I got out of it, the guy that he thought was better, dumped his ass after he wanted to spend time with him.

    My ex said the same things that you are saying, he was a changed person, always love me, etc. However; whenever confronted with being accountable for anything else, he just brought up, that it wasn't entirely his fault for doing the affair. I caused him to walk away.

    Try. Each relationship is different, however; in the end it is his decision. and I made the final decision to end our 8.5 year relationship.
    I'm happy now.
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    Feb 13, 2011 2:49 AM GMT
    can_duathlete saidBut is there a chance or is it gone forever?

    I'd say the ball is in his court, obviously. And only you would know him well enough whether some quiet time apart will heal this on its own, or you need to make some overtures of your own to him, now over coffee or a little later. Each injured party will react differently, I cannot possibly predict that. I would take the lead from him.

    Some relationships can be mended after cheating, others cannot be. Life is not always a Hollywood movie with a happy ending.

    He has every right to dump you, as you've implied with your therapy and claim to have changed. I wish you both well, and a cautionary tale here about cheating, a lesson you sadly learned a little late. But thanks for having the courage to share.
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    Feb 13, 2011 3:24 AM GMT
    Anything is possible if you're both willing to put in the wrk to rebuild a broken heart and trust issues. You must realize that the entire relationship past is past and any future that might come, will start on a new foundation and neither of you will be the same for doing so.
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    Feb 13, 2011 3:25 AM GMT
    *Gives can_duathlete a giant hug*

    You're experiencing some of what he went through. Learn from it. Accept that you may never get back together, but that you're learning an enormous something (the development of reciprocal empathy, I think, which is often painful) to carry into your next relationship.

    -Doug
  • vhalonwalker3

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    Feb 13, 2011 3:52 AM GMT
    YOUR FIRST MISTAKE WAS MAKING YOUR RELATIONSHIP ABOUT SEX. YOUR PARTNERS MISTAKE WAS THE SAME I WOULD IMAGINE. IN GENERAL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE GENUINELY INTERESTED IN EACH OTHER - THEY SHOULD ONLY BE FRIENDS FOR SOME TIME. GAY MEN HAVE ADDICTIONS- DRUGS ALCOHOL- FOOD- HOOKUPS-HELLO SEXicon_sad.gif
    WHEN WE PUT OURSELVES IN A POSITION WHERE WE DEFINE OUR RELATIONSHIPS BY SEX ONLY THE RELATIONSHIP CAN NOT BE ONE BUILT ON LOYALTY AND MUTUAL RESPECT HENCE A PERSON CHEATS.THAT DRUG-THAT ADDICTION FOR SEX WITH A MATEHAS LOST ITS FLARE BECAUSE THERE WAS NOTHING TO BEGIN WITH. THERE WAS NO SOLID FOUNDATION TO HAVE A LASTING RELATIONSHIP TO BEGIN WITH . THERE IS A SAYING THAT GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS, " MADNESS AND STUPIDITY IS REPEATING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN WITH THE SAME RESULT". IF YOU WANT A TRULY LASTING RELATIONSHIP YOU NEED TO QUIT YOUR MADNESS AND BAD HABIT AND BUILD FRIENDSHIPS THAT ARE BASED ON LOYALTY AND HONESTY NOT SEX. IF SEX IS WHAT DEFINES A RELATIONSHIP THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP-JUST LIKE THE CURRENT CIRCUMSTANCE YOU FIND YOURSELF IN - ITS NOT A RELATIONSHIP IT'S CRAZY MADNESS.BREAK YOUR ADDICTION icon_smile.gif
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    Feb 13, 2011 4:04 AM GMT
    IMHO it will come back to haunt you in every minor fight you have, and will be brought up everytime you are late or not in the expected place at the appointed time, or if you happen to run into a friend while out and come home a little late. Sometime it will just come up casually out of the blue; an oblique dart with your name on it. What I've seen so far...
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    Feb 13, 2011 4:19 AM GMT
    First of all Once a cheat always a cheat ...
    period end of story I walked away from 13 years with one man

    Before you can fix something You need to know all of the things that happen

    We all have something in common we are men
    Life is NOT a freaking field trip...

    And we should do one thing for ourself protect ourself
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    Feb 13, 2011 4:20 AM GMT
    This issue will be can you rebuild your trust... that, and you have to talk to him and verify that you both want the same thing out of the relationship... if not, one of you is going to be disappointed.
  • massbuildah

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    Feb 13, 2011 3:07 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidI would say buy a ukulele, hand it to him, and let him bitch-slap you with it. Just kidding! In all seriousness, I'd say copy your post and send it to him. That will show him your true feelings--unadorned, vulnerable--it's a start. Much luck!



    Hilarious.....for the win!

    Serioulsy tho, some people see that as a deal breaker. there could be no going back. You might have to deal with that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 13, 2011 3:24 PM GMT
    no.

    By Definition:

    cheat

    1. To deceive by trickery; swindle:
    2. To deprive by trickery; defraud:
    3. To mislead; fool: illusions that cheat the eye.
    4. To elude; escape:
    5. To act dishonestly; practice fraud.
    6. To violate rules deliberately, as in a game: was accused of cheating at cards.
    7. Informal To be sexually unfaithful: cheat on a spouse.
    8. An act of cheating; a fraud or swindle.
    9. One who cheats; a swindler.

    I do not want to be any of those things. I do not want my man to be any of those things. Do you want to be defined as a cheater?
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19119

    Feb 13, 2011 3:31 PM GMT
    My question to the OP is WHY did you cheat? Were you feeling unfulfilled in the relationship? Bored? Not feeling "in love" with your BF at the time even though you may have loved him as a person? This is important because perhaps, at the time you cheated, your BF was just not a challenge to you anymore, so you went looking for one. Now that he broke up with you and pushed you away, suddenly he's a challenge again and you're in love with him. If you got him back, who's to say you wouldn't repeat the behavior of "cheating" once you settled into the relationship again. So I think you need to look deeper into what drove you to cheat in the first place, and examine if you're truly "in love" with the guy, or simply just wanting something that you can't have.
  • owen19832006

    Posts: 1035

    Feb 13, 2011 3:46 PM GMT
    personally i think once a cheat always a cheat i wouldnt go back with someone who's cheated on me. but every one is different. tell him how you feel and be honest he might find it in his heart to get back together if he hasnt moved on already.
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    Feb 13, 2011 3:51 PM GMT
    It can be done.

    But both parties have to be willing to put down some of their anger... and they also obviously have to agree that they want to stay together. That's the first step. Second step, I think, is couples therapy. You need both people in there to discuss the issues..... cheating is usually not simply related to one person just being horny. The other issues that underlie the behavior are important to understand fully.....

    As for bursting into song or whatever, I dont know. It may embarrass him, or feel fake... that's something you'd have to think about, as only YOU know your ex boyfriend. He might think it's sweet.

    Maybe writing a letter would be the best thing... explaining everything and explaining how you feel now. What more can you do besides communicate? I wouldn't expect him to say yes, but I would hope that he could at least hear what you have to say.