In ltr

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 13, 2011 8:56 PM GMT
    Edit: Thanks for all your replies! I really appreciate it.










    Original message:

    I met my BF about 6 years ago and now I feel like i'm in one of those hetero relationships that the sex is dwindeling. The problem is that my BF has ballooned and basically stopped working out after a year or two after we meet, and now whenever I would like to initiate sex he would just try to weasel out of it. To make things worse I like to have with lights on but he would insist to turn the lights off whenever we are having sexual contacts. I honestly still find him very sexually attractive but I think that HE doesn't feel that way. Do you guys have any advise on this topic? My previous LTR before him was lasted for a year and we f*cked like crazy, so this is not familiar territory for me. I am a man and I have strong needs but the last thing I want to do is to cheat on the man that I love. Btw we don't live together.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 13, 2011 10:55 PM GMT
    Cityaznguy saidI met my BF about 6 years ago and now I feel like i'm in one of those hetero relationships that the sex is dwindeling. The problem is that my BF has ballooned and basically stopped working out after a year or two after we meet, and now whenever I would like to initiate sex he would just try to weasel out of it. To make things worse I like to have with lights on but he would insist to turn the lights off whenever we are having sexual contacts. I honestly still find him very sexually attractive but I think that HE doesn't feel that way. Do you guys have any advise on this topic? My previous LTR before him was lasted for a year and we f*cked like crazy, so this is not familiar territory for me. I am a man and I have strong needs but the last thing I want to do is to cheat on the man that I love. Btw we don't live together.


    I was in that same spot until recently. He only wanted sex when he was interested or when it was convenient for him. He let himself go, and didn't care at all about fitness, eating healthy, doing anything active, etc...

    He broke my heart so many times that I got over him. (He never slept with other guys, but would become infatuated with them, cook for them, go out of his way, etc.... and everything was just dead between us, toss in some psycho mother issues and you've got a broken relationship).

    Anyways, not to derail your thread, how is your emotional life going with him? Are you guys both happy and in love? (For sure?) It's like with my now ex, he still thinks we are together, despite me telling him daily its over. Have you asked him how hes feeling about the relationship? Sometimes people just get comfortable and give up being "perfect" because they feel they have ya in the bag already; And thus their true colors begin to show.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 13, 2011 10:57 PM GMT
    Honesty, honesty, honesty.

    You don't want to be sitting there in a few months with a broken relationship wishing you said the things that remained unsaid
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 13, 2011 11:14 PM GMT
    My compliments to you for being loyal and faithful to your guy. Your situation is not unique. For some reason, some people--men and women--become too comfortable once they're in a relationship, so they let themselves go. Sex often times become stale, boring, infrequent, or even nonexistent. Perhaps you should have a very frank discussion with him regarding your needs, his health, your priorities, etc. You might even consider couples counseling if you really want to save the relationshiop. Good luck.
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    Feb 13, 2011 11:34 PM GMT
    the maturation and eventual 'death' of cathexis (http://dictionary.die.net/cathexis) is not exclusively a heterosexual event.... it happens in all relationships.

    the death of cathexis in your relationship is compounded by how you view your partner's body. there's also a big difference between a 1-yr and a 6-yr relationship... and apparently somewhere in between those two timeframes is where you began drifting (from the perspective of libido) from your partner. it is doubtful that this is solely an issue of how he looks and the fact that he stopped working out.

    if you'd like a more detailed treatise on the subject and why this happens, read 'the road less traveled' by m. scott peck. you may have a revelation.

    you should have a serious discussion with your partner and consider couple counseling.
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    Feb 13, 2011 11:50 PM GMT
    Cant fault a man for being faithful, especially a gay one. It is interesting that you have been together 6 years but do not live together. Have you tried talking to him and encouraging him to the gym? I am encouraging my boyfriend to go to the gym with me, he is not consistent but he does go. It just takes a lot of work to get him to go with but then when he sees results, the sex starts to crack like a whip. Wait, that was a whip... anyways, I'd talk it out with him to get to the root cause. If the sex has stopped, then the relationship might be unsustainable.
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    Feb 14, 2011 12:01 AM GMT
    Wow thanks so much you guys for these wonderful suggestions. I honestly appreciate all the insightful inputs. I would like to clarify something though|

    The emotional relationship between my BF and I is going strong and I would say is growing still. We still make each other laugh, we get each other, and we barely disagree with one another, let alone fight. But our regular physical intimacy is only limited to kissing and cuddling, with occasional oral. It's been too long since we've done anal. Perhaps it's me, but I don't consider it real "sex" unless there's f*cking, which at the beginning of the relationship there was plenty of.

    That's good to know that my case is not unique...however I would still like to reinstate regular f*cking back into our relationship. I dunno if I can go through the rest of my life without ever f*cking again. I have no problem if he's the last guy that I'll f*ck for as long as I should live, but there needs to be f*cking. LOL
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 14, 2011 12:22 AM GMT
    Well, thats good to hear... usually when the sex starts goin bad, its either the cause or effect of the emotional side going bad as well....

    Best advise at this point is to talk to him. Tell him everything! Be as open as a book, even if its embarrassing or silly, or you wanna be called a dirty bitch and have your hair pulled, LOL Tell him the truth!

    Then the ball is officially in his court, and if he doesn't come around, there's not too much else you can do. It's a two way street, and everyone chooses their own paths and makes their own decisions, and has to give equal effort.

    Best of luck to you both bud! icon_smile.gif
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    Feb 14, 2011 12:49 AM GMT
    Cityaznguy saidWow thanks so much you guys for these wonderful suggestions. I honestly appreciate all the insightful inputs. I would like to clarify something though|

    The emotional relationship between my BF and I is going strong and I would say is growing still. We still make each other laugh, we get each other, and we barely disagree with one another, let alone fight. But our regular physical intimacy is only limited to kissing and cuddling, with occasional oral. It's been too long since we've done anal. Perhaps it's me, but I don't consider it real "sex" unless there's f*cking, which at the beginning of the relationship there was plenty of.

    That's good to know that my case is not unique...however I would still like to reinstate regular f*cking back into our relationship. I dunno if I can go through the rest of my life without ever f*cking again. I have no problem if he's the last guy that I'll f*ck for as long as I should live, but there needs to be f*cking. LOL


    quite often the reduction in physical/libidinous energy is 'replaced' by emotional energy... that is indeed the normal progression of a healthy relationship. what peck refers to in his book is how most people don't understand that and feel that the reason they no longer do the sexual things they used to do with their partner is because their partner just 'wasn't the right one'. they think if they just find 'the right one', the physical spark will never die.... it's not true. it's called the 'myth of romantic love'... and it applies to any relationship, gay or straight. once you know, the 'problem' is gone. you will still have to work at keeping the sexual relationship fresh though. more power to you :-)
  • Noah_b87

    Posts: 31

    Feb 14, 2011 2:52 AM GMT
    Cityaznguy saidI met my BF about 6 years ago.... Btw we don't live together.



    in jsut that part itself it should tell you something. that your jsut wasting your time. get out and run as fast as you can. sex is very important in a relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 14, 2011 2:54 AM GMT
    To the OP, are you in love with him as well as loving him? Is he? Have this discussion. Remember what you first saw in each other. Go to a psychologist, preferably a gay one to assist.

    -Doug
  • rebelbeard

    Posts: 558

    Feb 14, 2011 3:04 AM GMT
    I used to be your ex in my last relationship. I didn't balloon out or anything, but I wasn't as in shape as I would have liked and it made me feel like sh!t about myself. So I used to weasel out of sex when I could. You should talk to him. Maybe try to motivate him to be healthier and take care of himself.


    Lack of sex does take it's toll on relationships. People cheat or become disconnected. I would hate to see that happen! Good luck!
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Feb 14, 2011 3:11 AM GMT
    Watch a documentary about old 90 year old str8 people who have been married for most of their lives. They say, invariably, "The sex was incredible!"

    Without great sex, there is no relationship. Despite our high ideals, we're all driven by what's between our legs. It's genetic. It's primordial. You can't deny the impulses of your primitive brain stem. You're, well, we are, a species with complex brains capable of putting a man on the moon and rockets on distant planets, but we are overwhelmed by the sex hormones produced by the brainstems we had when we were still lizards.
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    Feb 14, 2011 3:26 AM GMT
    barriehomeboy saidWatch a documentary about old 90 year old str8 people who have been married for most of their lives. They say, invariably, "The sex was incredible!"

    Without great sex, there is no relationship. Despite our high ideals, we're all driven by what's between our legs. It's genetic. It's primordial. You can't deny the impulses of your primitive brain stem. You're, well, we are, a species with complex brains capable of putting a man on the moon and rockets on distant planets, but we are overwhelmed by the sex hormones produced by the brainstems we had when we were still lizards.


    Cuando uno cabeza se levanta, la otra no piensa.
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    Feb 14, 2011 3:39 AM GMT
    Cityaznguy said
    The emotional relationship between my BF and I is going strong and I would say is growing still. We still make each other laugh, we get each other, and we barely disagree with one another, let alone fight. But our regular physical intimacy is only limited to kissing and cuddling, with occasional oral. It's been too long since we've done anal. Perhaps it's me, but I don't consider it real "sex" unless there's f*cking, which at the beginning of the relationship there was plenty of.

    That's good to know that my case is not unique...however I would still like to reinstate regular f*cking back into our relationship. I dunno if I can go through the rest of my life without ever f*cking again. I have no problem if he's the last guy that I'll f*ck for as long as I should live, but there needs to be f*cking. LOL


    I relate completely.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 14, 2011 3:42 AM GMT
    rightasrain said
    Cuando uno cabeza se levanta, la otra no piensa.


    Good line icon_smile.gif

    (una cabeza)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 14, 2011 3:43 AM GMT
    TheUnhingedOne said
    Lack of sex does take it's toll on relationships. People cheat or become disconnected.


    Yes, it does.

    The question is though: can a non-existent sex life between 2 people be salvaged?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 14, 2011 3:47 AM GMT
    barriehomeboy said
    Without great sex, there is no relationship. Despite our high ideals, we're all driven by what's between our legs.


    I don't agree with this entirely.

    Not everyone values "sex" in the same way or to the same degree.

    While I agree a relationship that includes no sex at all is destined to end, "great sex" is not mandatory for 2 people to love and care for each other in a profound way.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 14, 2011 3:56 AM GMT
    wondering2010 said
    rightasrain said
    Cuando uno cabeza se levanta, la otra no piensa.


    Good line icon_smile.gif

    (una cabeza)


    oops... feminine noun. lo siento.
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    Feb 14, 2011 3:58 AM GMT
    wondering2010 said
    barriehomeboy said
    Without great sex, there is no relationship. Despite our high ideals, we're all driven by what's between our legs.


    I don't agree with this entirely.

    Not everyone values "sex" in the same way or to the same degree.

    While I agree a relationship that includes no sex at all is destined to end, "great sex" is not mandatory for 2 people to love and care for each other in a profound way.


    agree wholeheartedly... i would dare say most relationships reach the point where the profundity of the relationship is solely emotional... and there's not a thing wrong with that.
  • JJ_Atoli

    Posts: 295

    Feb 17, 2011 7:11 PM GMT
    Cityaznguy saidI met my BF about 6 years ago and now I feel like i'm in one of those hetero relationships that the sex is dwindeling. The problem is that my BF has ballooned and basically stopped working out after a year or two after we meet, and now whenever I would like to initiate sex he would just try to weasel out of it. To make things worse I like to have with lights on but he would insist to turn the lights off whenever we are having sexual contacts. I honestly still find him very sexually attractive but I think that HE doesn't feel that way. Do you guys have any advise on this topic? My previous LTR before him was lasted for a year and we f*cked like crazy, so this is not familiar territory for me. I am a man and I have strong needs but the last thing I want to do is to cheat on the man that I love. Btw we don't live together.


    Sounds to me like the problem isn't with you at all. It's with your partner - and in himself. Perhaps he doesn't find himself attractive? That does have a lot to do with someone's libido (or maybe just mine).
    But when you said that he had balloned and doesn't like to have sex with the lights on that was a huge signal for me.
    Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable with his own body? If this is the case and he doesn't feel attractive that would definitely make him pull away from you physically.
    Try getting him back to the gym? Stroke his ego and let him know that you are in fact very attracted to him? Stop insisting the lights be on?
  • JJ_Atoli

    Posts: 295

    Feb 17, 2011 7:42 PM GMT
    cold saidA more practical approach:

    Instead of just telling him how much you still appreciate him physically, why don't you show him? Lay him down on the bed, massage and kiss every part of his body while describing why you love every inch of him. (example: the way his strong calves tighten when he peaks, his broad shoulders, how his thick hands grope, the feeling of his stubble on your skin... etc etc)

    Goodluck!


    +10 lol
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Feb 17, 2011 7:58 PM GMT
    Cityaznguy saidI met my BF about 6 years ago and now I feel like i'm in one of those hetero relationships that the sex is dwindeling. The problem is that my BF has ballooned and basically stopped working out after a year or two after we meet, and now whenever I would like to initiate sex he would just try to weasel out of it. To make things worse I like to have with lights on but he would insist to turn the lights off whenever we are having sexual contacts. I honestly still find him very sexually attractive but I think that HE doesn't feel that way. Do you guys have any advise on this topic? My previous LTR before him was lasted for a year and we f*cked like crazy, so this is not familiar territory for me. I am a man and I have strong needs but the last thing I want to do is to cheat on the man that I love. Btw we don't live together.


    It sounds to me like he is down on himself. If he doesn't feel attractive, he's just not going to feel like have sex. I'd suggest talking to him, expressing your concern for his well being and you attraction to him. He may want to seek counselling.