Love actually small, overweight ponyAuthorities find love, put on aggressive diet
By Aerovaulter from the RJ Quarterly
It was a scene of celebration and mild confusion as authorities ended what had become a centuries-long search, involving billions of bitter participants. They had found Love, and Love was morbidly obese.
Spectators chatted excitedly in the chilly air as a crew of firemen cut down the wall to a weather-worn wooden shed, revealing Love, a tiny, overweight pygmy pony. Gnawing lazily on a bale of hay, the pony showed little interest in the proceedings until a brave fireman waved a Bonbon through the newly-created hole. On small, sturdy legs that were all but eclipsed by the jiggling mass of pony stomach fat, Love ambled through the opening, thus exposing itself to the world. Scattered applause broke the morning silence.
The search for Love had been a constant presence in the media for nearly a millennium, although police captain Chris Spankypants said a surge of people suddenly started enquiring about Love’s whereabouts as the fourteenth of February approached.
“It was insane,” recalled Captain Spankypants. “As soon as the first of February passed, it seemed as if every other person was desperately looking for Love. Our assignment desk said that notices about the search started to flood the personal ad section in the local newspapers, not to mention the internet. Finally, it got to the point where our mayor asked us to create a formal investigation.”
Several days into the investigation, Spankypants received an anonymous tip that Love might be found in a small storage shed off of Haters Lane. Twenty minutes later, the pygmy pony was found. The captain, wearing a bedazzled vest and sparkling in the early light, was both relieved and slightly baffled.
After questioning the residents of neighboring houses, it was revealed that the pony had belonged to former-resident Johnson McJohnsonson. Johnson had purchased the pony for his five year old daughter Johnsina, who promptly named the portly steed Love. Johnsina was forced to leave Love behind, though, when the McJohnsonson family relocated overseas last month. In the chaos of moving, Johnson apparently only had time to fill the shed with twelve tons of hay before locking the doors one last time.
Upon asking for details about what would happen to the chunky, hooved hero, Spankypants referred all questions to Dr. Eunee Korn.
“Love has been transferred to a rehabilitation facility and is now on a significantly-reduced diet of carrots and oats,” Korn said. “I advise everyone to no longer let the search for Love overcome their lives. We should all, though, expect to see Love in better shape sometime in the future.”
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