I just don't understand it

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    Feb 16, 2011 3:58 AM GMT
    Ok guys, so I am feeling kinda down, and I need somebody to vent to. I have been raised southern baptist my whole life. I have grown up understanding that being gay is a sin, a choice, etc.

    My family is extremely close, they are all I have. I know if I am gay I will totally lose my family. I have came out to them before and they have told me so. I can't stress to you guys enough how much I need my family in my life.

    I have a 2yr old nephew who means the absolute world to me. I have never been so protective over any of my loved ones until he was born. I don't think I can stand to lose him.

    I am so miserable that I cannot be who I feel like I am. In my heart I know I am gay, but everything else is telling me that I am not gay.

    Sometimes I wonder if for some reason I really am only gay by choice...
    It is just so hard to deal with.

    I feel like I am at a point in my life where it is either I be gay and embrace it like I want to do, and be disowned by my family,,,
    Or
    Try to live a straight life just to please my family and not hurt them.
    I guess I have hurt long enough that I can stand to hurt the rest of my life if it means keeping my fam around.

    Do you guys think it is possible to become straight if I want to bad enough? Or will I always be gay no matter what?
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    Feb 16, 2011 4:00 AM GMT
    You're always gonna like meat rods. Deal with the situation how you choose.
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    Feb 16, 2011 4:29 AM GMT
    radtech10 saidOk guys, so I am feeling kinda down, and I need somebody to vent to. I have been raised southern baptist my whole life. I have grown up understanding that being gay is a sin, a choice, etc.

    My family is extremely close, they are all I have. I know if I am gay I will totally lose my family. I have came out to them before and they have told me so. I can't stress to you guys enough how much I need my family in my life.

    I have a 2yr old nephew who means the absolute world to me. I have never been so protective over any of my loved ones until he was born. I don't think I can stand to lose him.

    I am so miserable that I cannot be who I feel like I am. In my heart I know I am gay, but everything else is telling me that I am not gay.

    Sometimes I wonder if for some reason I really am only gay by choice...
    It is just so hard to deal with.

    I feel like I am at a point in my life where it is either I be gay and embrace it like I want to do, and be disowned by my family,,,
    Or
    Try to live a straight life just to please my family and not hurt them.
    I guess I have hurt long enough that I can stand to hurt the rest of my life if it means keeping my fam around.

    Do you guys think it is possible to become straight if I want to bad enough? Or will I always be gay no matter what?




    Dear Rad!


    You need to understand that being gay, straight, or Bi is not all that simple as to just connected with a sexual feeling you have for another! if you really want to take control of your life the first step is to love yourself enough so that you can build on character. Character my dear friend is only achieved when you become aware of your own virtues or strenghts, and even your own weaknesses or shortcomings as well. Sweety a good way to start is to re-valuate and validate what makes you happy and satisfied before you can do the same for that someone special. Wish you all the best, and please if you like send me a message and we can talk about it some more!


    Leandro ♥
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    Feb 16, 2011 4:38 AM GMT
    It isn't any kind of sin or choice any more than that particular curve to your eyebrows. Bis have that choice, you don't if you're gay, just like straights have no choice either. Don't tell who you don't want to tell; your life is yours, dammit, lol. If others are intrusive enough to ask and you don't feel comfortable
    you can grin and say you think the question rather personal and you'd prefer it remain a mystery.

    -Doug
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    Feb 16, 2011 4:39 AM GMT
    I walk in the same shoes as you. I come from a South Asian family who don't even acknowledge homosexuals. We never talk about it; its almost taboo. I thought I could marry a woman and raise a family with her, just so my parents would be happy. I forced myself to be gay in so many ways. I was even watching straight porn until 10 months ago. But the gay in me just kept coming out. I would be watching straight porn and all my attention would be on the guy. lol.

    What I am trying to tell you is that, no matter how much you try, you will always be way. But that's not to say you could not lie to yourself or force yourself to be straight. People chose to do that and its their choice. But I'll rather be happy with myself.
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    Feb 16, 2011 4:40 AM GMT
    You can pretend that you are straight your whole life, but you will most likely not be happy and end up leaving your family when you are 50 to go live your life like you should have in the first place.

    I know most people here will say "blah" to this. But Christianity is taken way wrong and given such a bad name by the extremists that just preach hate. These are my arguments against the people who condemn us homosexuals:

    Luke 6:37 "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

    John 8:7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her."

    Romans 2:1 You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.

    James 4:11 Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it.

    So put that in your pipe and smoke it you extremist Christians!
    EDIT: I bolded the one I thought was the best.
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    Feb 16, 2011 4:46 AM GMT
    KSUOWL saidYou can pretend that you are straight your whole life, but you will most likely not be happy and end up leaving your family when you are 50 to go live your life like you should have in the first place.

    I know most people here will say "blah" to this. But Christianity is taken way wrong and given such a bad name by the extremists that just preach hate. These are my arguments against the people who condemn us homosexuals:

    Luke 6:37 "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

    John 8:7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her."

    Romans 2:1 You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.

    James 4:11 Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it.

    So put that in your pipe and smoke it you extremist Christians!


    Sorry, I had to quote it's so good..

    -Doug
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    Feb 16, 2011 4:57 AM GMT
    yeah try to look at a vagina & try to keep a boner....you're gay & maybe your family will not support it, but at least try to be honest to yourself. You're just down, but once you accept yourself you will see everything else in a different light...just keep your head up & stop thinking you can lead a "straight"life. at the end you'll be miserable....
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    Feb 16, 2011 5:10 AM GMT
    iVan90 saidYou're just down, but once you accept yourself you will see everything else in a different light...just keep your head up & stop thinking you can lead a "straight"life. at the end you'll be miserable....


    This is great advice. OP, I was in a similar situation a while ago, trying to figure out how to live a "straight" life. And I was doing it for everyone else but myself. Now that I have accepted who I am, I would never try to lie to myself like that.

    As bad as this may sound, I would rather live my life shunned from my family but living as who I really am than live my life accepted by my family because I am lying to myself and everyone else who I really am. Did that make any sense? Haha
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    Feb 16, 2011 7:01 AM GMT
    Being a Southern Baptist is a choice.
    Being gay is not.
    You can deny being gay. You can try the ex-gay fraud. In the end you will end up unhappy. You are really saying that you don't want to love or be loved, and that is worse than any other form of punishment.

    Do not try to live the "straight life."
    It would be cruel of you to marry a woman you don't/can't love. It would be selfish to keep her from finding and marrying a man who truly loves her.

    You're 19, so unless you're financially independent, you should not come out to them now. Wait until you are at least independent.

    I wish you luck in finding your place in the world. It's really a shame that parents would rather have their child miserable than to find someone to love.
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    Feb 16, 2011 7:41 AM GMT
    Ok time to to bring what no one wants to say to the table, might as well be me. If you feel that your sexuality is something you want 'fixed' there are options involving counselling and the like. However, I do have to state that this will not necessarily solve your 'problem'. As to the effectiveness of this, I do not know. Coming from a very conservative community I can understand where you are coming from, and I was even offered to receive these 'therapies'.

    Personally I know I am gay, I'm alright with that, and there will always be others who may not be. I can say that even more than the bible quotes above, that the majority of condemnations of homosexual activity within the bible must be taken into greater context. Most come in passages which are condemning amoral behaviour, not just homosexual acts. It is even theorized that the original texts when translated are not actually condemning homosexuality in itself but the amoral sexual relations of both 'straight' and 'gay'. if you want more information check out

    http://www.religioustolerance.org/hom_bibl.htm

    But this doesn't solve your problem about the family, it can be your dark secret too keep, and it can be left under the rug, but what will that do to you as a person? We cannot tell you what you need, you need to discover what that is. We can tell you what we think and what our experiences are. Its taken me almost 10 years to get to where I am, and from the outside it may seem like I haven't gotten far, but I can say I know where I'm at, I'm secure in what I am, and I know where I'm going and what I want when it comes to my sexuality. I may not have the rest figured out, but for now, thats enough.
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    Feb 16, 2011 7:50 AM GMT
    You will always have the same sex attraction. You can chose not to act on it and be most likely unhappy or you can be who you are and go with how you feel and act. Your born the way you are......I have tried everything to not be....when I was just me, I was at my most successful state in my life and my happiest!

    YOU CHOSE TO BE YOU!
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    Feb 16, 2011 7:54 AM GMT
    You are young - and as was stated above - may not be ready to come out to your family. That said, one should always be honest with one's self. To be honest is to accept fully. One cannot love another until one fully accepts one's self.

    Be patient with yourself. You are VERY YOUNG. These feelings you have will not kill you - strong though they are. Denying your true nature will. There will be time enough to tell your family later - and you may well be surprised to find that (in time) they will probably realize your life is more important than any institution's rules.

    There are no guarantees. But that is life in general.

    Learn to accept yourself. Move out when you can, and be honest with others when you have gained confidence in who you are as a loving, full human. It will happen - but be patient with yourself and the world at large. There are more coming out stories and organizations and support groups than I could ever tell you.

    Search "coming out stories" on here, and on Google. Read, watch and learn. You will be fine - and so will your family. Many of us did this before the internet. Consider yourself LUCKY that you can reach out to others online.

    Be strong, be smart, be brave - but most of all be honest with yourself. You have all our support! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Feb 16, 2011 8:33 AM GMT
    There is no choice for you. The other road of trying to be straight is a cruel illusion. You cannot pretend to be straight your whole life, you will either suffer greatly and be in constant mental anguish, not to mention extremely likely to develop problems with substance abuse or suicide. Or you'll suffer for half your life and come out when you're middle aged and then mourn the decades that you lost.

    Humans - as we exist now are over 200,000 years old. Christianity is barely 2000. That means that modern humans are 100 times older than Christianity. You were born gay mate - you were taught religion.

    Unless you intend to be celibate, it's grossly unfair to inflict yourself on a woman that you can never be happy with and who would suffer the inevitable heartbreak, either swift and crushing or a slow torment over years as you grow old in bitterness together.

    Thankfully the number one thing that changes peoples minds about homosexuality is knowing a close friend or family member who is, there are countless stories in the gay community about coming out to a homophobic family who changed their mind.

    To borrow a metaphor from the bible, you can't build your house on sand. You need to build a life based on honesty, to yourself and others. I promise that you won't regret coming out - that doesn't happen. There's a rich and fulfilling life as an out gay man waiting for you.
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    Feb 16, 2011 10:11 AM GMT
    Rad, I feel for you. But, living a lie is what leads so many kids to suicide. Please don't become a statistic. Listen to the good advice given by other posters. We have a magnet on our fridge: "I know I'm somebody, 'cause God don't make no junk." God made you the way you are.

    Can you imagine any crueler fate than to date a woman and always be thinking of a man? Not loving her completely and being unhappy. I don't think you are that person.

    Your parents don't need to know what you do in the bedroom. Live your life, and if you believe its necessary, lie to them. Tell them what they want to hear since they don't want to listen to the truth. Meanwhile, live your life the way that its meant to be lived and gather around yourself a "family of choice."

    Take care. Really.
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    Feb 16, 2011 10:48 AM GMT
    Agree with the posts above.

    Just wanted to say as I was becoming bored with the political debates, nasty comments, and other threads making fun of people, this advice given in this thread shows the best of RJ.
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    Feb 16, 2011 12:00 PM GMT
    Coming from me as a person in your age and in similar situation - I tried, for real, I did, but no matter how hard I try, I can't stop thinking about guys. I never had the same feeling for a girl like I had for a guy.

    We don't know if being gay is genetic, and what causes us to be gay. The one thing we know is - we don't make a decision to be gay. Think about it - at what point of your life did you decide I prefere guys?

    Myself, I know that my parents won't accept me, because I tried to tell them already. That is something I'll have to live with because I am not going to be miserable for the rest of my life.

    Remember, you're not alone and if you need to talk - remember, there are guys on RJ who care.
  • massbuildah

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    Feb 16, 2011 12:26 PM GMT
    Don't try to live a life to please others.Don't force yourself to live a straight life just because you think it is the right thing to do. Don't waste your life by living up to someone else's expectations, if you do, you're only reward will be regret.

    We are who we are and we cannot change that. this doesn't mean you have to come right out and scream to the rooftops and turn into the stereotype that YOU think your family will fear. Like yourself, love yourself and be yourself.

    That doesn't mean you have to lose your family to be who you always will be.
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    Feb 16, 2011 12:36 PM GMT
    Hey,

    Whatever you do... just don't waste half your life doing it.
    I am an orthodox Jew and I waited til age 40 to deal with this
    issue. I regret it terribly.

    Don't live your life for your 2 year old Nephew. He may or may not end up staying in your life. But when you expand your social network to include people who understand you better and maybe even find some love in your life that is genuine, you wont depend on the love a 2 year old for your validation.

    Live your life. Deal with the consequences. Be Free!!!
    We are all here to help you... and you can find some real life people to help you too if you look in your area.

    If you depend on your family for support, then keep it on the down low just until you are financially independent.. then throw open that miserable closet door.

    If you still love your religion... as I do... there are ways to stay a proud practicing Christian (or Jew or Muslim or Hindu) and still be true to your gay self.

    Its a new world. Be happy you are privileged to come of age when being gay is far more mainstream then when I was younger.

    I shared a lot of the same feelings you had... so if you ever want to chat... drop me a note and we can get in touch.

    -Doc
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    Feb 16, 2011 1:08 PM GMT
    Radtech10,
    I get where you coming frm. I cherish the time and relationships that i've built w/ my family too, but you're at a crossroad in your life and how you decide to move forward might define your presence for years to come.
    The only thing I would want to get across to you is eventually you're going to HAVE to choose YOU. Meaning one day you will tire of living someones version of you other than your own.
    If your family decides who you are is not something they value and respect then why subject yourself to a life of pain and anguish? You only get one chance at life and you owe yourself more than surroundings of false representation of family. Love who u are 1st and it'll give you the strength/courage you need to confront all that awaits you in life.
    Hill.
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    Feb 16, 2011 1:32 PM GMT
    If your living life the way they dictate then it's not really your life. Consider that for a moment. Then consider your nephew being gay, growing up in the same situation you are now. What would you tell him? Granted, he would have an awsome uncle that would still love him, but wouldn't you rather him have a uncle that was strong enough to stand on his own & be himself; either way, I believe you'd be setting a good example. If being gay was a choice, you wouldn't be having this difficult of a time bud..
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    Feb 16, 2011 1:42 PM GMT
    Many of us have had to find new "families" over time.

    It hurts, but sometimes it has to be done.
  • HndsmKansan

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    Feb 16, 2011 1:46 PM GMT
    Very sad to read your story, sorry you have been put in such a position.

    Difficult choice. I would hope you could live your life honestly, with integrity and in a way you are confident and happy... and to trade it off to "meet the approval of others bothers me.

    Remember, you are viewing the picture as "black and white", "one way or another". I remember when I used to think that way. My suggestion is to learn about what it means to be gay. Talk to others, who are non family members who can trust. Develop confidence in other areas in your life (not that you don't have them already). You are 19 years old. If you are going to college... graduate. Make sure you are self sufficient financially and develop friends that would support you if you decide to come out fully........ If you feel a decision has to be made,
    wait until you perhaps have more information and have had additional time to consider. Remember, like many things, there can be a shade of gray here.


    Just know you have people who are willing to listen and care about what you are going through.
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    Feb 16, 2011 1:46 PM GMT
    radtech10 saidDo you guys think it is possible to become straight if I want to bad enough? Or will I always be gay no matter what?

    You are gay now and forevermore. It can be both a blessing and a burden. I hope in years to come you will discover mostly the blessings, and experience little of the burdens.

    So now you make a plan. And really, at 19 this is no different than if you were straight and loved a girl, but your families thought you're too young to get married. Or do other premature things at a still-formative age. So you set to work preparing yourself, and planning your future.

    In adult life, you often have to work and plan for yourself regarding the things you want, and be patient. This isn't the instant gratification of childhood any longer, where people generously hand you things wrapped with a big ribbon, just because you're young & cute. Welcome to the Big Time. That's Lesson One.

    Second, make yourself independent. By completing schooling and then starting a career, or by going to work now if you have a skill in something you want to pursue. At this moment I sense you need your family support structure, so until you reach your independence, perhaps in 5 years or so, I wouldn't upset that applecart.

    This really is no different from what countless young men your age do, gay or straight. And then, should the day come when your family disowns you, or whatever you fear they might do, you will be secure in your own right.

    Your ties to family are commendable. They will fade a little as you age, they always do, but I hope you never lose then. So enjoy them while you still have them. Your narrative is not clear to me, whether they know and believe you're gay, and how they're handling that. Are they pressuring you to pretend you're straight? Or "become" straight?

    If a problem for them I'd let it go for now, until you have your independence. I know, instant gratification, gotta do it now, your teenage angst and all that. Been there, done that. Downplay & deflect family pressure as best you can, don't let it bother you, just a "phase" many parents go through. LOL!

    Because waiting is wiser, until you are in a secure personal position. And in the meantime, you plan your future, which you should be doing anyway at this point, like all 19-year-olds. First things first, young man. Re-focus your anxieties to your future, and you will have a very bright one.
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    Feb 16, 2011 1:55 PM GMT
    Man up and be the person you want to be. Your a man now (not a kid) and its time to grow up. If that means your family won't be around, so be it. But live the life that you want to live regardless of your upbringing. Families should not place conditions on their love. Thats not real love.