Anxious for nothing?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 16, 2011 1:05 PM GMT
    Right ... I’ve seen some other guys have posted some very interesting topics on here and got some good responses so I’m going to take the plunge and make this post. I’m going to be exposing a very personal concern to the general public here, so please be respectful. It’s something that has been bothering me for years now, and I’m absolutely sick of it. I’d like to get some random, HONEST and mature opinions from a wide range of gay men. No stupid comments please. This is a very sensitive topic for me. I can handle honesty, just not stupidity and insensitivity. I just want to get rid of this anxiety and move on with my life.

    Ok. So here it is. I’m going to be brave and be completely honest. It’s time. In short, I’m looking to date and find the right guy and settle down. I’ve wanted this for years, and just like everyone else I’ve made my fair share of mistakes along the way. Hence I am still single. However, something is now hindering me which never used to hinder me before at all. I am anxious about my penis size. Very anxious. I know that I am one of probably millions of men who have some degree of anxiety about this issue, so I’m sure my post and the responses it generates can help them also.

    I am uncut and exactly 6 inches long, 6.5 on a good day. Reasonably good thickness – 14cm around. About the thickness of a toilet roll for those of you who are very visual thinkers. I never used to be anxious about my size in the past. I always knew it was average, not big. I always knew that there were many guys bigger than me, and many that would also be smaller, however I had peace about it and there were no issues. I could confidently pursue men and satisfy them and have very enjoyable sexual encounters. I had no problem with sexual function and absolutely no anxiety about intimacy. Over the years, I’ve unfortunately had a few very bad experiences with guys that have taken their toll on my self-confidence. Just the usual lying and cheating nonsense that many of us have dealt with I’m sure. It’s a sad part of being gay. However, one man in particular was extremely abusive. This problem all started with him. He would constantly degrade me and shame me. One of the things he used to constantly insult me about was my penis size, saying that “average is of no use”, and “anything under 10 inches is useless”, and “average is just as good as small”, and so it would go on. All this after many happy months together and him claiming he loved me. He was certainly not a super-model by any means, and he was actually less endowed than me. I won’t go into too much more detail, but it was a very damaging experience which I had when I was in my early 20’s. It was the start of all these problems. He was a much older man and I was very naive at the time and was unfortunately fooled by him. The experience with him was so upsetting that I couldn’t get it up for almost 6 months after the breakup. Ridiculous. I have gotten over him as a person, but this issue has returned to haunt me many years later in the form of an overwhelming anxiety about my penis size.

    The anxiety is getting so bad that I’m avoiding going on dates. I’m avoiding putting myself in situations where guys may approach me for dates, relationships or sex. I’m just too scared.

    My worst fear is that I meet the man of my dreams and everything is going wonderfully, then we have sex for the first time and he is very disappointed. All you ever see these days is ‘bigger is better’. It’s in your face constantly with porn and advertising, and it’s also all over gay guys profiles when guys describe what they are looking for. I always used to base my self-worth on myself as a whole person, not just one part of my body. I can honestly say that I have everything else in my favour – looks, body, personality, health, intelligence, good manners, stability, head screwed on etc. I’m the kind of guy who you could proudly take home to your parents and friends. I’m the original Mr Nice Guy and Mr Dependable. But I fear that despite all my other great qualities, every guy is going to ditch me because I don’t have a giant penis. I understand that men with giant penises only account for a very small percentage of the population. Perhaps only 1%. However, I must also highlight that good men with a heart of gold and all the right qualities also account for a very small percentage of the gay male population. So, what would guys out there rather have? Mr Big Dick or Mr Average Dick but with all the other boxes ticked? What would you do if you met an amazing guy with all the right qualities and you really clicked, and then you discovered he was only average sized? Would you ditch him and run? Would it matter at all? Would it turn you off? Should I just forget about ever having a relationship or settling down? Sex and love are some of life’s greatest gifts. I don’t want to let this issue prevent me from enjoying them fully.

    Lets see what responses come back.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 16, 2011 2:55 PM GMT
    Walk away from anyone who judges your value or the quality of your love by your penis size. Their issues are larger than the dick size they require.

    Your ex had a huge problem. Don't let him control your present and future. He couldn't even deal with his own life much less yours. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 16, 2011 3:20 PM GMT
    1inamillion saidSo, what would guys out there rather have? Mr Big Dick or Mr Average Dick but with all the other boxes ticked? What would you do if you met an amazing guy with all the right qualities and you really clicked, and then you discovered he was only average sized? Would you ditch him and run? Would it matter at all? Would it turn you off? Should I just forget about ever having a relationship or settling down?


    The answer is obvious to me, I'd rather have Mr Average Dick with all the other boxes ticked. I've dated guys with 4 or 5 inches penises and I was completely happy with them because they had the other stuff I was looking for in a guy.

    The fact that you're looking for someone to settle down with, I think that you'll have a greater chance of finding guys who think that size down there doesn't matter. If they think dick size is too important, they are not worth your time. Keep your self worth and integrity and move on to someone who'll accept you and love you for the way you are.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Feb 16, 2011 9:34 PM GMT
    microbiologist said
    1inamillion saidSo, what would guys out there rather have? Mr Big Dick or Mr Average Dick but with all the other boxes ticked? What would you do if you met an amazing guy with all the right qualities and you really clicked, and then you discovered he was only average sized? Would you ditch him and run? Would it matter at all? Would it turn you off? Should I just forget about ever having a relationship or settling down?


    The answer is obvious to me, I'd rather have Mr Average Dick with all the other boxes ticked. I've dated guys with 4 or 5 inches penises and I was completely happy with them because they had the other stuff I was looking for in a guy.

    The fact that you're looking for someone to settle down with, I think that you'll have a greater chance of finding guys who think that size down there doesn't matter. If they think dick size is too important, they are not worth your time. Keep your self worth and integrity and move on to someone who'll accept you and love you for the way you are.





    I don't think it's possible to get a better piece of advice than this, because the problem is in your head, not in your pants.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 16, 2011 10:00 PM GMT
    I realize you've stated this is a serious, sensitive topic for you, but really?

    Anyone that degraded me about my cock size would be kicked to the curb without a second thought. I'm right around 7'. Works for me and that's pretty much what I expect from most others.

    I can't even imagine being in a relationship with someone who would ridicule me over being "average" in length. Good riddance I say.

    Don't even give it another thought. The next guy you are with should be with you because of who you are, not the size of your member.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2011 7:30 AM GMT
    You should never derive your worth from someone's opinion of you in any regards. Your dick size, your looks, your style, your intelligence, you name it. If you do, you will be going in circles your whole life. Know and own who you are. Then if someone does not like you for any reason, you know both you and they should move on down the road.

    The way I look at it is I do not like everyone or everything myself and if someone does not care for me, that's life. No harm no foul.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2011 7:48 AM GMT
    A big dick isn't all that it's cracked up to beicon_rolleyes.gif Nothing wrg w/ being average and anyone who tells you different is a dip shit.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2011 7:55 AM GMT
    Who gives a shit? This average size guy complaining that anything under ten inches is unacceptable?
    Hunh? Be gone!
    If you have someone that checks all the boxes and is only "average size".....shit...be thankful.

    My guy is pretty damn huge and more than once I've kind of wished he was a bit smaller.....icon_idea.gif


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2011 7:56 AM GMT
    Just to answer your question... I'd take average with the other boxes checked any day over a big dicked jerk.

    A real man would respect you for who you are. It sounds like your ex was the insecure shit that projected his own problems onto you. I hope you find someone that appreciates everything you have to offer.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2011 8:00 AM GMT
    If the man rejects you for the size of your penis, reject him for his superficiality. Simple. Ease your anxieties. There's enough drama in the world. No need to create any more.
  • Sayrnas

    Posts: 847

    Feb 26, 2011 8:59 AM GMT
    Just to throw my personal two cents in to the arena, I've gotten some self esteem abuse like that too (but not regarding this particular subject). It caused a pretty bad case of the ugly duckling syndrome and I'm still workin' through it years later.

    What I totally suggest is to take all the great advise everyone's given you and stand tall. You know you gotta it goin' on!

    (everything i wrote past that turned into a lifetime movie pitch so I'm just gonna stop there. I support you!)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2011 9:06 AM GMT
    There are always someone else bigger and thicker if that's what interests him. However, there is only ONE you. If he cannot see the forest for the trees, his heart isn't in the right place.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 08, 2011 10:04 AM GMT
    Thanks guys. It has helped quite a bit to hear a few random opinions on the matter. I will be brave and start getting slowly back into the dating game again.
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    Mar 08, 2011 11:10 AM GMT
    A lot of these guys with big penises use that as their only means of relating. Sex isn't 24/7 in a relationship. I'm well endowed but I also know that it means nothing whatsoever in the long run. Faithfullness, commitment,kindness and love are the issues. Not dick size. And if you are big, it can make being a top very painful for a bottom- so there are drawbacks.

    Its the same as big straight guys- women would say the same thing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 08, 2011 12:14 PM GMT
    Webster666 said
    microbiologist said
    1inamillion saidSo, what would guys out there rather have? Mr Big Dick or Mr Average Dick but with all the other boxes ticked? What would you do if you met an amazing guy with all the right qualities and you really clicked, and then you discovered he was only average sized? Would you ditch him and run? Would it matter at all? Would it turn you off? Should I just forget about ever having a relationship or settling down?


    The answer is obvious to me, I'd rather have Mr Average Dick with all the other boxes ticked. I've dated guys with 4 or 5 inches penises and I was completely happy with them because they had the other stuff I was looking for in a guy.

    The fact that you're looking for someone to settle down with, I think that you'll have a greater chance of finding guys who think that size down there doesn't matter. If they think dick size is too important, they are not worth your time. Keep your self worth and integrity and move on to someone who'll accept you and love you for the way you are.


    I don't think it's possible to get a better piece of advice than this, because the problem is in your head, not in your pants.


    I agree with Webster666 that the problem is really in your head. Lets analyze this.

    In a nut shell, your bad experience created aniexty (emotion) which resulted in non-performance. When you think of sex or start engagin in sex, do you feel aniexty? If you do, then it proves a point where the thought of sex triggers your emotion of aniexty. When this happens, you can't sexually perform and you developed a fear for these circumstances. If you really want to get over this problem, i suggest you give the following 2 steps a try.

    Step 1 - Observation. The fact that you are aware of your problem and you feel the aniexty each time when you engage in sex.

    Step 2 - Channel the thought. To change the thought of sex and aniexty, you need to reduce the weight of it so to speak. Channel that thought and reduce it down to something like "whats for dinner." This step is by far the hardest because you will be tested at each opportunity that arises. If you hang in there and face the problem, with practice and time, you will overcome.

    I overcame my road rage, and anger with these methods and it has changed a great part of me. So i have faith in you that you can pull through!



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 08, 2011 2:06 PM GMT
    The length and girth of man's endowment should in no part play be compatibility factor in a relationship....

    I blame both men and women who are size queens.....For punishment they should give head to a shrew....
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Mar 08, 2011 2:57 PM GMT
    OK, so once upon a time you had a bunch of guys hanging out with nothing to do. One of them had some problems with security and started looking for something to feel superior about. It had to be something obvious because the guy wasn't very much into subtlety. Hey, my dick is big! That's it. Now I can tell everybody I am better than they are! The guy with the big dick did nothing to get that way himself. It was just something he could brag about. And so the myth of superiority began.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 09, 2011 7:17 AM GMT
    blactor saidA lot of these guys with big penises use that as their only means of relating. Sex isn't 24/7 in a relationship. I'm well endowed but I also know that it means nothing whatsoever in the long run. Faithfullness, commitment,kindness and love are the issues. Not dick size. And if you are big, it can make being a top very painful for a bottom- so there are drawbacks.

    Its the same as big straight guys- women would say the same thing.


    Yes, you are correct in all that you say. I couldn't agree more. However, will guys even give you a chance to prove yourself once they find out you're just average-sized?

    I've had enough experience to know that big is not always better. Whenever I've bottomed for large guys it is usually very painful and I've not enjoyed it at all. I suppose some guys can handle it and others can't. However, if I did meet an amazing guy with all the right qualities I'd find a way to make the sexual side of things work, regardless of his size.

    I'm sure you've been gay for long enough to know how this topic is discussed amongst gay men. Almost every time I've heard conversations between gay men about dating or sexual encounters, the thing they obsess about most is size, size, size. I can't remember the last time I've heard a bunch of gay guys make mention of qualities like a guy's wonderful personality, good sense of humour, kindness, intellect etc. All they ever seem to go on about is big muscles, looks, sexual prowess and big dicks most of all. Are we humans or just pieces of meat?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 09, 2011 7:26 AM GMT
    Well,

    I'm a reasonably athletic guy and. Had a prejudgement bout this site and assumed I didn't belong here and no one would take an interest in me as a person!

    I found that most people here are lovely, caring, real and down to earth. Lots here have or are facing their demons and spectres, and trying to be the best guys they can be.

    So it depends. If ur on Gaydar or manhunt you will meet assholes and jerks mostly. But settings away from the "scene"- its different.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 09, 2011 7:28 AM GMT
    PS- if you were in London, I'd consider a date with you. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 09, 2011 7:35 AM GMT
    I am saddened to hear about you having to go through all of this. icon_sad.gif

    Any man who looks at dick size as a way of gauging who does what in a relationship is a d***chebag themselves. Ignore them. Take their words as just words and nothing more. I hope you don't ever have to meet those rude and ignorant people again.


    You seem like a very honest and "real" person. I like that in men. We should chat icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 09, 2011 7:39 AM GMT
    Yes rjn2001, sex or the thought of it does make me very anxious. Also the thought of getting to know a guy who is showing interest in me makes me extremely anxious too, because I know that sooner or later sex will happen.

    There is someone who has been showing interest in me for a considerable amount of time and I've been keeping him at a distance because I just get overwhelmed with anxiety. He's a really nice guy based on everything I've seen and heard, but I just have this entrenched belief in my head that he (or any other guy) will ditch me because of the whole size thing. It is ridiculous, but I just can't control the anxiety. They say emotions stem from a very basic level in human evolution, and so they lead to a lot of irrational thoughts that are difficult for us to control even with logic.

    I'm not quite sure what you mean by 'channeling the thought' or 'reducing the weight of a thought' in this particular context. Can you please explain further? I'm willing to try it if I understand what you mean.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 09, 2011 7:50 AM GMT
    Blactor - thank you for the nice words. Very kind of you.

    Well, I should share a story of a friend's experiences. I do have a friend who is a wonderful guy. Very decent, kind, honest and a good guy. He isn't blessed with good looks or a good body, but he is extremely well endowed. He is looking to find mr right and settle down with one man for life. He has been for years but he has almost the opposite complaint that I have.

    His experience is that guys just want to use him for sexual thrills because of his size. He can't seem to find someone to take a genuine interest in him as a person. He says he often feels like a dick on legs and that he will never find someone to settle down with because all guys care about is sex. Sometimes he will involve himself with a guy for months, only to realise in the end that he was just being used for sex because of his endowment. It has been hurtful for him. So there you go. I guess it can work both ways and be a problem on both sides of the scale.

    Therefore, the issue really is about not being able to meet enough quality guys who's hearts and minds are in the right place. Why can't we just know who and what we are dealing with? Yes, gaydar and manhunt are sites that I've grown to hate over the years ... actually those sites sicken me and I've removed myself from them a long time ago. It seems to be where all the residue collects. I didn't know there were other options available.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Mar 09, 2011 7:53 AM GMT
    If you have a serious anxiety condition, we can't help you. You need to see a trained therapist/psychiatrist who can treat you. This isn't something you can just blink and fix. It took years for you to construct the anxiety, and it's going to take time to un-do it. See a professional.