I Just Got Stood Up On a Date

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 16, 2011 10:41 PM GMT
    I need to vent about getting stood up on a first date with someone I met on an online dating site two weeks ago. I texted him after a couple of minutes waiting... no response. Then I waited ten minutes and left a bit peeved off.

    I've had good experiences with first dates of guys who I met online so far but this is the second time something like this has happened with this guy, the first time he had to cancel due to the stomach flu. Now his brother is in town and according to the text he just sent his brother decided to stay the whole week with him- and spend the whole day with him despite the fact we already planned this a week ago.icon_mad.gif

    He says he sent me a message on IM (I'm not on there all time) about canceling last min but he should have just done the responsible thing and told his brother he had other plans today.

    Maybe I'm overreacting... I don't know what to think. Maybe he's apprehensive or maybe he's flaky. Whatever the case red flags are starting to go up with him.
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    Feb 16, 2011 10:55 PM GMT
    You're in NYC right? I find that New York guys are more flaky compared to guys from other places. When I lived in Cali it wasn't like that.
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    Feb 16, 2011 11:01 PM GMT
    Cityaznguy saidYou're in NYC right? I find that New York guys are more flaky compared to guys from other places. When I lived in Cali it wasn't like that.


    I've heard this too and I think it's better not to believe it until I've met every man in New York, which is next to impossible. So I'd rather not generalize. But then again people in every big city say this about guys in their city. It's not the city, it's the individual. I'd rather not have this thread get derailed by a city vs city flame war.

    And then there's the people who really make generalizations and say all gay guys are flaky.icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Feb 16, 2011 11:03 PM GMT
    Ehanson said
    Cityaznguy saidYou're in NYC right? I find that New York guys are more flaky compared to guys from other places. When I lived in Cali it wasn't like that.


    I've heard this too and I think it's better not to believe it until I've met every man in New York, which is next to impossible. So I'd rather not generalize. But then again people in every big city say this about guys in their city. It's not the city, it's the individual. I'd rather not have this thread get derailed by a city vs city flame war.

    And then there's the people who really make generalizations and say all gay guys are flaky.icon_rolleyes.gif


    LOL good point.
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    Feb 17, 2011 1:50 AM GMT

    lol, send him an email and say, "Whenever you're ready, here I am." with a wink. Then leave it at that. That's called slamming the ball into his court. His play. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug

    in the meantime here's a huge hug just 'cuz..*HUG*

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    Feb 17, 2011 1:50 AM GMT
    1) Stomach flu is believable

    2) Sometimes lightning strikes twice, so it really depends on how much you like him to lower your flags.

    3) If my brother came to town and wanted me to spend time with him, I would. Ditching my brother for a first date isn't my idea of responsbility. Bro's before Ho's. Literally. Texting or calling you to let you know BEFORE the date is the responsible thing to do, but it sounds like you didn't have point #1 taken care of.

    4) If you decide to go on a date with him, then putting this behind you is the best way to ensure it goes well. Otherwise, it's doomed to fail.
  • shawn06

    Posts: 337

    Feb 17, 2011 2:03 AM GMT
    I would make it clear that you don't appreciate being flaked on. I could never put up with flakes, usually when it hits the second time I stop talking to them. If someone is actually interested in going out on a date with you they would most likely be pretty excited about the date and try hard to make it. If there is a good reason the first time I completely understand, but when that action is repeated especially after rescheduling which they should have taken into consideration a proper day that they will be free, then they are probably not that interested or a little scared to meet you for whatever reason.

    Now not saying you should do what I do but at least make it clear that being flaked on bothers you especially when your looking forward to meeting this guy.
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    Feb 17, 2011 2:04 AM GMT
    I have no idea what stomach flu is, since influenza affects the respiratory system and not the digestive system - maybe it's gastro? Anyway...

    To consider whether this guy is still worth trying for a first date, go with your intuition or gut feeling on this. Despite the setbacks, does he still seem eager to meet? Or is he perhaps as you say, apprehensive, reticent, being all-round cowardly?

    As I heard in Italy 'if something happens a second time, it's guaranteed to happen a third time'. Don't let him waste your time and keep you from meeting guys that will actually be into you icon_smile.gif

    All the best.
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    Feb 17, 2011 2:07 AM GMT
    Stomach flu is the term the general public uses for almost any condition that involves any number of: nausea, vomiting, loose bowel movements, diarrhea, cramping, or just feeling unwell.

    Quit being such a smartass icon_razz.gif
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    Feb 17, 2011 2:19 AM GMT
    A guy's behavior in meeting up is a very strong indicator of the priority he places on you. It's high quality data and you should feel confident using it to decide whether he's worth the trouble or not.

    If you're past a primary school education, you should know how to:

    o Use a calendar
    o Use a clock
    o Use a phone
    o Use email, IM, texting, etc.
    o Know that a meeting requires a day, a time, and a place
    o Know how to mark said day/time/place on a calendar
    o Know that people need more than a few minutes notice of plan changes
    o Know that people have other things going on in their life besides you

    I find that a huge number of guys never really completed their primary school education in these matters, and they can be any physical age. Personally, my life is way too valuable to deal with people without these life skills. For me, it's a 6 email limit to set up a date (which I think is generous), and if you stand me up without warning, it's one strike and you're out.

    99.99% of the time, there's no excuse for not giving someone a heads up and leaving them stranded, alone, waiting for someone who's not showing up. It's one of the most cruel, selfish, heartless, childish things someone can do. Your guy sounds like he needs to grow up and get his selfish head out of his ass.
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Feb 17, 2011 2:26 AM GMT
    On line dates are almost always no-shows. The worst case scenario is when they tell you meet somewhere, then go clean your apartment while your sitting in a parking lot waiting for someone who isn't going to show up. No, that hasn't happened to me. I'm just a wrtier and will make a mental note to explore that scenario for a future book.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 17, 2011 2:26 AM GMT
    I've had this happen b4. Move on. Much more interesting and considerate men out there. Don't waste your time on this dude.
  • conquer

    Posts: 305

    Feb 17, 2011 2:30 AM GMT
    you've given the guy 2 chances now. i would also tell him that if he is interested he can call you and arrange something sometime. until then i'd write him off as a flake and invest no more time in someone who isn't willing to do the same thing for you
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    Feb 17, 2011 2:31 AM GMT
    Thanks for the feedback and support. His stomach flu incident was last week btw the first time we were supposed to meet. And I just checked through our chat logs on IM- he's lying about telling me he about the change of plans. Ridiculous

    I was really peeved when I left for him blowing me this off like this- very immature.

    I have a low tolerance for flaky behavior and thought as I walked out of that Starbuck's," there are plenty of well rounded, intelligent guys in this city who will treat me as I should be treated. I deserve better just like everyone else."
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Feb 17, 2011 2:43 AM GMT
    The best advice has been given already: put the ball in his court. Let him set up the next date. If you don't hear from him, then you know for sure that he's not interested, and you can move on.

    It is disappointing, though. I never understand it when guys flake out. I'd rather that somebody just tell me flat out that he's not interested enough to actually meet.
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    Feb 17, 2011 2:53 AM GMT
    OMG. Why would you put the ball in his court AGAIN? To all of those people above, haven't you learned enough lessons already? How many stood up dates do you need to get the message? Don't EVER send one of those cheezy desperate messages saying that you will there IF he comes around. Wink wink. It makes you look like a desperate teenage girl. icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 17, 2011 2:53 AM GMT
    He IMed you to cancel? Wtf is that? If he was at all worth your time he'd at least send you a text that he had to cancel, if not call... definitely move on to the next guy.
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    Feb 17, 2011 2:55 AM GMT
    Ehanson saidThanks for the feedback. His stomach flu incident was last week btw the first time we were supposed to meet.

    I was really peeved when I left for him blowing me this off like this- very immature.

    I have a low tolerance for flaky behavior and though as I walked out of that Starbuck's, there are plenty of well rounded, intelligent guys in this city who will treat me as I should be treated. I deserve better just like everyone else.


    With Bryan's explanation of stomach flu as a catch-all term for a stomach complaint, maybe he was just extremely nervous or anxious? icon_neutral.gif That could have certainly twisted his stomach into knots.

    But your answer is within your second post icon_smile.gif You deserve to date a well-rounded and intelligent guy. Why not stick that on your bathroom mirror to look at each day, and who knows? maybe such a guy may come right along sooner or later icon_wink.gif
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    Feb 17, 2011 2:56 AM GMT
    frenchatheart saidOMG. Why would you put the ball in his court AGAIN? To all of those people above, haven't you learned enough lessons already? How many stood up dates do you need to get the message? Don't EVER send one of those cheezy desperate messages saying that you will there IF he comes around. Wink wink. It makes you look like a desperate teenage girl. icon_rolleyes.gif


    I agree. F*ck him and move on with your life. Your time and youth is too precious to wait for him to call or text you. However if he calls you to apologize at least give him a chance to hear him out before you send him the island of lost men.
  • havingfunmtl9...

    Posts: 258

    Feb 17, 2011 3:03 AM GMT
    I think you should decide how much you want to meet this guy. To be honest, if he flakes once - he will probably continue to flake.

    To be honest, I have had a couple times where I WISH the person didn't show up. I once spent a week and a half chatting back and forth with a guy from Montreal and we finally set up a date night for a movie and a coffee after and guess what ... he was a freaking 50 something year old, fat and extremely dirty man in a nasty baseball cap, dirty white tshirt and baggy jeans. All this when he was supposed to be 29. Being somewhat in shock and put in a wierd situation, I brought him to the movies (I had passes), and quickly called my best friend while ''going to the washroom''. I then returned and told him I had to go pick my sister and her boy friend up at the hockey game because they got too drunk to drive home (which was a total lie) and ran for the door. He followed me out about three minutes later when I was half way down the stairs and ended up screaming down at me that there was no hockey game in Montreal tonight ! Needless to say, I bolted and didn't look back ! icon_cool.gif

    So in short .... sometimes being 'stood up' is a blessing - you just don't know it !
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    Feb 17, 2011 3:10 AM GMT
    Ehanson saidMaybe I'm overreacting... I don't know what to think. Maybe he's apprehensive or maybe he's flaky. Whatever the case red flags are starting to go up with him.

    You have to expect this. Gay men are likely to be flaky. Not ALL gay men, as some posts above discuss, but the incidence is still pretty high. It goes with the territory, and you just have to live with it.

    It happens that my partner & I, both former US military, are NEVER late or blow-off a meeting. If we say we will be there at a given time, you can set your watch to when we open the door. Or if we get unexpectedly delayed in traffic, we will phone you. Being late in NOT permissible for us, and failing to appear at all is inconceivable to us. But then we are older adults, not children, and you have learned these things.

    And we HATE guys who keep us waiting, or totally blow us off. Someone who does that to us rarely ever sees us again.

    My partner tells the story of when he & his late partner were late to a dinner, because his partner ran chronically late. And I know that must have driven my partner nuts, because he hates to be late, as I do.

    So their host refused to seat them at the table in his house when they arrived, but made them wait in the living room, until the next dinner course was served. My partner was delighted, he tells me, though his late partner was livid. A good object lesson for him.

    If someone invites you somewhere, you show up without fail, and precisely on time. This is not negotiable, not flexible, not according to your clock but his. A gentleman knows this. A lout does not.
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    Feb 17, 2011 3:32 AM GMT
    I am at a loss with this 'tech' generation who apparently has lost the necessary skills to operate a simple telephone.....I have had the same shit given to me.....well, i texted you.....If you don't have the balls to talk voce a voce, then fuck off and find another door mat......I would blow him off,,,and 'don't eat what he's feeding you' it's bullshit.............keithicon_wink.gif
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    Feb 17, 2011 3:46 AM GMT
    Ehanson said
    Cityaznguy saidYou're in NYC right? I find that New York guys are more flaky compared to guys from other places. When I lived in Cali it wasn't like that.


    I've heard this too and I think it's better not to believe it until I've met every man in New York, which is next to impossible. So I'd rather not generalize. But then again people in every big city say this about guys in their city. It's not the city, it's the individual. I'd rather not have this thread get derailed by a city vs city flame war.

    And then there's the people who really make generalizations and say all gay guys are flaky.icon_rolleyes.gif


    Good on you, OP. Forget this dude and move one. There are plenty of guys out there who are able to man up and give you a decent heads up so you can reschedule. Better yet, the guy actually meets up with you as planned. You'll be fine and I'm sure you'll meet a great go who knows how to use a watch.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 17, 2011 3:47 AM GMT
    You're new in town. You'll get used to it. After a while you'll realize that in NYC casual sex with multiple partners is the way to go.
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    Feb 17, 2011 3:50 AM GMT
    He may well be a fake--I'm sure there are tons of them on online dating sites. You're probably better off not meeting him--he might have been a major disappointment. Move on and be happy.