Ok, I need some advice...

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    Apr 02, 2008 3:15 AM GMT
    Alright..

    My best friend is straight. We've been friends for a long time. I've had a crush on him for just about as long. He recently broke up with his girlfriend...well, actually she actually dumped him. He is completely devastated. She did it in a really cruel way, and I don't think he has ever been dumped before. He is hot as hell, and a very sweet polite guy. Which I think is one of the problems...he would never treat anyone the way she treated him when she dumped him and I think it shocked him. Anyway, like I said...he is totally crushed.

    I am taking him to Vegas for a boys weekend with me and him and a couple of our friends to give him a little guy time where he doesn't have to think about the whole thing. It seems everyone here reminds him of what happened.

    Anyway, I know he's gonna want to talk about it...which is fine. I'm afraid he's gonna start crying when he starts talking. I cannot bear the sight of him crying... I know it's gonna kill me, and I know I'm gonna want to hug him. As I mentioned I have been crushing on this dude FOREVER and I really don't want to mess up our friendship.

    I know I'm being paranoid, but you always hear about the depressed straight guy who is comforted by the gay friend, and they kiss or something and then the friendship is over. I'm not saying he's going to make out with me, but I'm kind of afraid of the situation. I really wanna be the best friend, but I also don't want to be the dude hugging him, sitting on his bed in a hotel room, ya know? (I mean I WANT to be that guy, but I don't).

    Plus I'm not sure what to say to him. I know I can't just rip her apart in case they get back together (which I don't think will happen, but ya never know). I also can't sit there and try to be level headed about the whole thing...she is a total bitch. So how do I walk the line?

    The only other question I have, while related, isn't entirely on topic. When we get back home, and after I get my hands on her, what should I do with the body?

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    Apr 02, 2008 4:12 AM GMT
    A friend will help you move. A real friend will help you move the body.

    Feel free to put your arm around his shoulders and comfort him. Just dont let yourself go "there."

    If he wants to "go there," break the mood and discuss what that means. If he still wants to "go there"...then do it.

    His having sex with you isnt a bad thing (think internalized homophobia...sexual expression is good). It doesnt mean he has to have sex with you or other men forever...not that there is anything wrong with that.
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    Apr 02, 2008 4:41 AM GMT
    My best friends are straight but I am sexually repulsed by them so I can offer no good advice in this situation. But I will add that don't hold back your criticism of the girl. If she is a total bitch than a friend should tell him that. If she is not good for him you have to let him know.
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    Apr 02, 2008 5:21 AM GMT
    tommysguns2000 saidAlright..

    My best friend is straight. We've been friends for a long time. I've had a crush on him for just about as long. He recently broke up with his girlfriend...well, actually she actually dumped him. He is completely devastated. She did it in a really cruel way, and I don't think he has ever been dumped before. He is hot as hell, and a very sweet polite guy. Which I think is one of the problems...he would never treat anyone the way she treated him when she dumped him and I think it shocked him. Anyway, like I said...he is totally crushed.

    I am taking him to Vegas for a boys weekend with me and him and a couple of our friends to give him a little guy time where he doesn't have to think about the whole thing. It seems everyone here reminds him of what happened.

    Anyway, I know he's gonna want to talk about it...which is fine. I'm afraid he's gonna start crying when he starts talking. I cannot bear the sight of him crying... I know it's gonna kill me, and I know I'm gonna want to hug him. As I mentioned I have been crushing on this dude FOREVER and I really don't want to mess up our friendship.

    I know I'm being paranoid, but you always hear about the depressed straight guy who is comforted by the gay friend, and they kiss or something and then the friendship is over. I'm not saying he's going to make out with me, but I'm kind of afraid of the situation. I really wanna be the best friend, but I also don't want to be the dude hugging him, sitting on his bed in a hotel room, ya know? (I mean I WANT to be that guy, but I don't).

    Plus I'm not sure what to say to him. I know I can't just rip her apart in case they get back together (which I don't think will happen, but ya never know). I also can't sit there and try to be level headed about the whole thing...she is a total bitch. So how do I walk the line?

    The only other question I have, while related, isn't entirely on topic. When we get back home, and after I get my hands on her, what should I do with the body?



    You are his platonic best friend. You are his platonic best friend. You are his platonic best friend. Repeat this over and over and over. Don't even think about crossing that line. Is this the way you would want to be intimate with him? At one of his lowest moments emotionally? Nah. No way! That would be tacky as fuck and you know it. You're gonna have to be a responsible man and be nothing but the shoulder to cry on and nothing more. Thats your role as his platonic best friend. And don't forget.. if you cross that line you can never go back. The second your dick starts trying to control you don't focus on the physical pleasure focus on the aftermath and how unpleasant that would be. Look at the fact that one moment of pleasure could completely destroy a cherished friendship for life. Don't give yourself any excuses to cross that line. You will regret it. If the urge hits think of only the bad that will come of it. What do you say about the ex? Absolutely nothing. Let him do all the talking and just tell him everything is gonna be cool. Doesn't look like it right now but it will be. If he wants to trash on her let him. Thats his job. Not yours. Don't step in any of that. Your role is simple. You are his emotional support system and nothing else. You're his best friend you can do it. Well thats my advice. Good luck man!
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    Apr 02, 2008 5:50 AM GMT
    I was in a very similar situation once.......friend sobbing, me comforting him - he even got too drunk. I had to drive him home (to his home) and then I had to half-carry him upstairs and throw him on his bed. I threw his blankets over him and said I'd see him later. I was headed for the stairs when I heard him say, "Come back - stay over night - I want you to climb in here with me - naked."

    I was blown away. I mean - he is hot - and younger by around 9 years - and part of me had often thought about him this way - but I just couldn't do it. Instead of doing anything I'd regret - I just laughed, saying, "Are you crazy? Get some sleep!"

    Straight friends are off limits for me - no matter how hot. Especially drunk friends.
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    Apr 02, 2008 6:00 AM GMT
    Tommy, you want to be his friend. And you want to sleep with him. Pick one. The other is off the table. If friendship is truly more important to you, then it wins. If you just want to sleep with him when he's at the lowest emotional point of his life...drop him. He doesn't need friends like that. Set aside your crush and do the right thing. I don't think you needed to ask this question. You probably knew what to do and just hated the answer.
  • calipally

    Posts: 246

    Apr 02, 2008 6:09 AM GMT
    what JSTTENNIS said. Exactly.

    Lucky for me, my best friend is married with kids...And completely sexually unattractive to me!...But I love the guy as if he was my brother.
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    Apr 02, 2008 6:15 AM GMT
    Just be there for him. Let him pour his heart out to you. Kiss him on the neck and tell him to move on. Make the kiss so quick that he barely notices. Then get up really quick and start getting ready to go out. Let him ponder about it for a while. Act like you never did it. He will come around. Just wait. He can't be mad at you, you just comforted him in a way no one else would. After all, it's not like you tried to force your tongue down his throat. He sounds like a great guy, just be there for him.
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    Apr 02, 2008 7:07 AM GMT
    I am going to Vegas this weekend, Bellagio! If you get the feeling your going to cross the line, which probably would put a speed brake on your friendship, I will take one for the team and make out with you.

    Or I can make out with your friend and test the waters for ya. Your choice, it will be tough for me but for a fellow Rj'er, sure.

    icon_twisted.gif

  • puttputt

    Posts: 254

    Apr 02, 2008 7:15 AM GMT
    A similar thing happened to a friend of mine. His bf broke up with him (for the 2nd time) and he was feeling really low. Another "friend" was over at his place to comfort him (with a bottle of wine) and they ended up getting together for a 1-month rebound relationship. Needless to say, my friend dropped rebound guy after he regained some of his common sense.

    So... I wouldn't do anything too hasty... at least not when he's at his lowest. Give him some time to heal and if he STILL wants to try something after that, then go for it icon_smile.gif
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    Apr 02, 2008 7:27 AM GMT
    Don't make that mistake. When I was younger and all too immature I did make that mistake. Now someone who should have been a lifelong friend is someone I have seen or spoken to in years.

    Think about whether you can live with that consequence. Is that how you want this friendship to play out? Is this a friendship that means more to you than your lust?
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    Apr 02, 2008 8:30 AM GMT
    Hey Tommy,

    your good friend needs emotional support at this time of his life and not "physical" support, as you said it for yourself you do not want to mess your friendship and you are matured enough to understand whats right and whats wrong, just be there to help him and just listen and dont even think of going there when the time come if you really wanna keep your friendship. and guess what if you help him out of this situation he will certaing cherish your friendship and thats all you need.
    as far as Hot guy is concerned there are plenty out there but to have good friends in life its worth much more.good luck
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    Apr 02, 2008 8:42 AM GMT
    I know one guy who is now dating a straight friend. My friend resisted his advances. He too didn't want to get involved with the straight guy dilemma and besides the guy had a GF(though apparently they didn't have sex for some time already).

    But my friend was attracted nonetheless, VERY attracted.

    In the end, what convinced him was his straight friend dumping his GF and inviting him to meet his parents. Heh

    They're happy I guess. icon_razz.gif

    The caveat: the guy was stable. He was fully aware of what he was doing and wasn't in an emotional slump like your friend is in now. Rebounds are never good.

    So don't throw away your friendship. If he wants you, he'll come to you when he's strong, not when he's weak.

    And chop the body really fine, then make some juicy Irish meat pie! icon_biggrin.gif

    *plays Sweeney Todd music*
  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Apr 02, 2008 8:47 AM GMT
    Hi Tommy

    Some great advice here. All of it I agree with.

    If you value your friendship then don't cross the line. It just won't be worth it.

    I'm lucky now I have a great best friend who I love loads but certianly don't want to sleep with (my other mates are minging, so that's good too).

    But years ago I was in love with my then best friend. I told him my feelings and it ruined our friendship. There isn't a month goes by that I don't regret losing that friend and wished I had kept my big mouth shut.

    Good friends are hard to some by, a roll in the hay comes along all the time.

    Good luck.

    Lozx

    ps. from over-watching CSI. I'd say that dumping that tramp's body in water is a good idea, remove all clothing, weigh her down and nature will remove all traces of evidence. Not that I'd given the subject much thought or anything icon_twisted.gif
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    Apr 02, 2008 8:48 AM GMT
    Just being there is help enough. Hug him if you must, as it would be the humane thing to do. But from the sound of it, you'd tend to calculate your moves which can be self-defeating.
    Ask yourself this: Are you a friend enough to trust yourself around him?
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Apr 02, 2008 10:00 AM GMT
    First of all...
    let him bring up the subject
    tell him early on that you're there if he wants to talk

    if and when he does...
    just tell him that you know how you felt about the girlfriend
    let him tell you what he's dealing with and go from there
    if he's depressed about it tell him that he's got his friends for support and that time will get him over it
    ... plus that you're gonna do everything in your power to get his mind off it

    stay away from seducing him
    even if it succeeds... he'll probably see it as a betrayal later on
    because you really were and would be taking advantage of a vulnerable situation

    and the body?
    just dump it in front of Drew Petersen's house
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    Apr 02, 2008 10:05 AM GMT
    LOL. You are pulling the trigger before the bullets are evn loaded in that gun, buddy. Don't be so quick to flatter yourself with the possiblity of a make-out session with your straight friend.

    The key words there is straight and friend. Those two words should keep you in check during this trip. He's straight and he just got out of relationship. Be a friend and help him through it. Don't be one of those gay guys who takes the opportunity to fulfill their own personal desires through a friends tragedy. That's lame. You know your body and you know how you think. Knowing that is half the battle won so just keep it cool and be there for him like a normal person. The best thing for you to do is to take his mind off the unfortunate situation that fell upon him. Granted, he's gonna wanna talk about it so he can figure out what he might've done wrong or whatever. Assure him that he didn't do anything wrong and quickly shift the convo onto something else. BE HIS FRIEND and nothing more. Sex is not an option with him and you need to repeat that over and over again to yourself. You'll kick yourself in the ass if that line is ever crossed because once crossed eveything changes and it never goes back to being the same way. That awkward feeling will rise and things will seem uncomfortable. Keep it simple n' sensisble (KISS).

    Remember that he's a friend and as such you should be their for him. Did you like his GF before they broke up? If not, then telling him won't make him feel any better about it. Him trashing her is totally legit and resonsible in the situation but you aren't allowed to unless he asks what you thought about her in which case you keep the comments simple or better yet don't even reply. Use some caution while discussing her and don't get cornered in making a hateful comments. Take him out to some good clubs and do some regualr friend stuff like hiking or just cruising around town to take his mind off the breakup. When you get back home start taking him out more and opening his eyes to the possiblities of being single again and show him how to play "meet n' greet" with some local single ladies.

    I'll think you'll be fine with your friend, tommy, so don't sweat it too much. As for your bud's GF...if you see her just play it cool and like any other day when you saw her. Take the high road and be civil in your approach. If she can't respond in kind then you'll have your answer and your ammo to be less then friendly with her.

    Hope everything works out and best of wishes.
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    Apr 02, 2008 11:15 AM GMT
    Don't criticise his ex girlfriend. Chances are they will get back together and then you'll look stupid. Don't sleep with him either, what sort of friend does that?
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    Apr 02, 2008 11:40 AM GMT
    Dude that sucks! But Caslon below me has the right idea. Don't worry about having the right words to say. Your friend just needs to feel right now and get his emotions out. As far as the body goes...i am in Texas and we have alot of open fields out here. Road trip.
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    Apr 02, 2008 12:23 PM GMT
    Holy jeezus, guys. Thanks for all your advice. I know it's the only way to go, it's just you get kinda messed up when it's this close, ya know? I'm not the kind of guy who lets stuff get to him, but this is getting to me. I started crying as I was reading your responses, LOL...(I'm such a girl).

    I'll just keep up with the "I am his platonic best friend" mantra and hope he doesn't make a move. Of course, you're right that this would not be an auspiscious time to start banging him, lol.

    Anyway, thanks for telling me what I needed and didn't want to hear, but already knew. BLEH!

    (hey, by the way...look how long this thread is and no one is fighting! Everyone even stayed on topic! We RJers CAN pull it off!)
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    Apr 02, 2008 12:38 PM GMT
    First thing - don't have sex with him.

    Second -
    Jockbod48 said I was headed for the stairs when I heard him say, "Come back - stay over night - I want you to climb in here with me - naked."I was blown away. I mean - he is hot - and younger by around 9 years - and part of me had often thought about him this way - but I just couldn't do it.


    I for one am glad you didn't do it and Mr TGunns should glean from your experience. Situations like this have little to do with sex. They have to do with comfort and power. Think about it - straight men presume we want them. Many feel threatened by that, thus homophobia. But some like having that power over others. Be it over a woman or a gay man. It just takes the right amount of pain/truth serum/convenient circumstance for them to express it. (Now, realize I'm speaking in generalized terms - and from personal experience - not to the specifics here. Mr Jockbod48's buddy may have in fact just wanted a screw.)

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    Apr 02, 2008 12:50 PM GMT
    It is hard to predict what one might do in such situations. You could keep telling yourself not to do it, but when the time comes.... It may be best not to let yourself be in that situation in the first place.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Apr 02, 2008 1:04 PM GMT
    Well I think you know the answer already... Be the comforting friend.. He just suffered a devastating blow.. to do or say anything shocking, would just add to his issues at this point. He needs time to work through what has happened.. thus your well thought trip to Las Vegas.

    Don't do anything or say anything (sexually or toward "the bitch").. it will just cause you issues later. I am curious.. does he know you are gay? Even if he does, be the great friend you are and the process work its way through.
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    Apr 02, 2008 3:16 PM GMT
    Tommy, I had a similar situation with my best friend a couple years ago. I love him to death, and yeah, I even had a little while where I was horrified to think I might have a crush on him. He's hot as hell, intelligent, etc., and he's always said we'd be a perfect couple if he were gay. Coincidentally, we vacationed together in Vegas, too.

    The thing is, seeing your best friend in the whole world turn into an emotional, sobbing mess in need of your comfort totally kills any sexual feelings you might harbor and replaces them with the overwhelming need to simply nurture and support them...at least in my experience.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 02, 2008 3:38 PM GMT
    friends are friends

    fuck buddies are fuck buddies

    n'er the two shall meet (especially if said friend is STRAIGHT)


    i have a simple solution for you: DATE GAY MEN