I'm just a little bit confused.

  • JJ_Atoli

    Posts: 295

    Feb 17, 2011 4:39 AM GMT
    Are all gay men masochists or something?

    Here's the story.
    I met a guy that I really, really liked a few months back. We really hit it off and decided to start 'seeing each other' as it were.
    During the course of about five months we got really close and he confided in me that his ex-boyfriend was verbally abusive and had cheated on him several times in the past.

    Now, I can honestly say that I treated this guy great. (I do it with every guy that I'm around). I called him daily (or texted him) to see how he was doing and to ask about his day, took him out on dates, stroked his ego the best I could when he was being really down on himself, dealt with his hectic schedule and always made time in my own schedule to accommodate, bought him presents and got him flowers for Valentine's Day.
    It seemed as if I was always pushing to spend time with him and getting barely any response out of him when it came to talking after a while. I'd always get the brush off even though he said he cared about me and liked me and I never once complained about the way he had started being evasive and stand-off-ish.(Things weren't perfect - but in terms of looks and personality (when he would actually talk to me) this guy was exactly what I thought I had always wanted in a man, so I made due and kept pursuing).

    Well yesterday he texts me to let me know that he going back to his ex.

    Wtf? What happened?

    And this isn't the first time this has happened to me.
    I literally go out of my way to try and make the people that I am in relationships with happy (and I treat these guys like princes) and somehow they all wind up going back to their abusive, not-wanting-to-commit exes.

    Am I too nice? Do you have to be an ass in order to get a guy's attention? Does drama and fighting provide some kind of weird excitement? Are all gay men masochists or something?

    I just don't get it. Help? I'd like to have a relationship where I can just be nice and caring and not be taken for granted and then left.
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    Feb 17, 2011 5:31 AM GMT
    No, be yourself and treat a man well. You will eventually find a man who appreciates that and will treat you well as well.

    It seems like the guy you were dating is addicted to the drama of his ex. If you've even seen Jerry Springer or Maury, then you've seen people like this. Consider yourself fortunate to be out of that relationship.

    Since you said this wasn't the first time that this has happened to you, maybe you can look at what it was about these guys that attracted you to them. Do you like having someone you can help mend? If you see what it was that attracted you to the wrong guys, you can learn to ignore that impulse.

    Have faith that a good one is out there.
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    Feb 17, 2011 11:20 AM GMT
    you say a few months back.... that's not a very long time.
    sometimes being too enthusiastic about a guy you've just met, can get you the opposite reaction of what you want. You can be nice and show interest, but overdoing it can make you seem a bit desperate and stalkerish, and you'll end up driving the guy away. pouring too much sugar isn't necessarily good.

    Some guys do appreciate the endless texts of sweet nothings, V-day presents and all the attention, and others find it a bit awkward and invasive if you haven't known them very long.

    just need to find out what your guy can appreciate before you start pouring the sugar




  • alphatop

    Posts: 1955

    Feb 17, 2011 11:55 AM GMT
    JJ_Atoli saidAre all gay men masochists or something?

    Here's the story.
    I met a guy that I really, really liked a few months back. We really hit it off and decided to start 'seeing each other' as it were.
    During the course of about five months we got really close and he confided in me that his ex-boyfriend was verbally abusive and had cheated on him several times in the past.

    Now, I can honestly say that I treated this guy great. (I do it with every guy that I'm around). I called him daily (or texted him) to see how he was doing and to ask about his day, took him out on dates, stroked his ego the best I could when he was being really down on himself, dealt with his hectic schedule and always made time in my own schedule to accommodate, bought him presents and got him flowers for Valentine's Day.
    It seemed as if I was always pushing to spend time with him and getting barely any response out of him when it came to talking after a while. I'd always get the brush off even though he said he cared about me and liked me and I never once complained about the way he had started being evasive and stand-off-ish.(Things weren't perfect - but in terms of looks and personality (when he would actually talk to me) this guy was exactly what I thought I had always wanted in a man, so I made due and kept pursuing).

    Well yesterday he texts me to let me know that he going back to his ex.

    Wtf? What happened?

    And this isn't the first time this has happened to me.
    I literally go out of my way to try and make the people that I am in relationships with happy (and I treat these guys like princes) and somehow they all wind up going back to their abusive, not-wanting-to-commit exes.

    Am I too nice? Do you have to be an ass in order to get a guy's attention? Does drama and fighting provide some kind of weird excitement? Are all gay men masochists or something?

    I just don't get it. Help? I'd like to have a relationship where I can just be nice and caring and not be taken for granted and then left.



    I think u have to listen to yourself and stop pleasing wrong people. If u act desperate to be in relationship, it won't work out. Just let it go.
  • jlly_rnchr

    Posts: 1759

    Feb 17, 2011 12:50 PM GMT
    As the saying goes, nice guys finish last. And bad guys get laid. Fact of nature.
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    Feb 17, 2011 3:34 PM GMT
    jimmy, we both know you are a wonderful, caring person...you just caught a guy on the rebound that needed a comfort blanket while he readjusted to going back to the abusive syndrome he was caught in....some guys are addicted to that....Keep being the beautiful guy you are and always take the high road...you are leaving a legacy behind you............Keith....and.......nice to see you backicon_smile.gif
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    Feb 17, 2011 3:43 PM GMT
    jlly_rnchr saidAs the saying goes, nice guys finish last. And bad guys get laid. Fact of nature.


    Maybe in your teens and early-mid twenties. As people mature, so do their tastes in men.
    At some point the bad boy shtick gets old.
  • xKorix

    Posts: 607

    Feb 17, 2011 3:52 PM GMT
    A relationship isn't about treating the other guy like a prince and constantly giving while never asking for anything in return or never complaining. It's about give and take. Both people should get their needs met and get what they want. Asking for what you want and need in a relationship and expecting it doesn't make you an asshole. You should complain if you don't feel you're getting what you want or need. About the masochist remark, it could also apply to you too. Do you like being with guys who ignore and neglect you? Constantly abandoning you for someone else who mistreats them? Are you a masochist too? Unfortunately it sounds like your guy is more comfortable being abused than not, or maybe he's just emotionally "stuck" somewhere. Maybe being abused was just how it was for him growing up.
  • JJ_Atoli

    Posts: 295

    Feb 17, 2011 6:54 PM GMT
    Ermine saidNo, be yourself and treat a man well. You will eventually find a man who appreciates that and will treat you well as well.

    It seems like the guy you were dating is addicted to the drama of his ex. If you've even seen Jerry Springer or Maury, then you've seen people like this. Consider yourself fortunate to be out of that relationship.

    Since you said this wasn't the first time that this has happened to you, maybe you can look at what it was about these guys that attracted you to them. Do you like having someone you can help mend? If you see what it was that attracted you to the wrong guys, you can learn to ignore that impulse.

    Have faith that a good one is out there.


    I don't have a hero complex or anything (least I don't think I do) - I just like treating people well. I like making others happy. That's where my happiness comes from in a relationship.

    All the guys I've been around have been vastly different (although they were all a bit jaded from their past relationships - but who isn't? And there's really no way to know about that in the beginning.) Right?

    AntoNomad said
    I think u have to listen to yourself and stop pleasing wrong people. If u act desperate to be in relationship, it won't work out. Just let it go.


    I don't think of myself as being desperate to be in a relationship. I definitely do want one but I'm not one of the guys that mention in the first six seconds that they are marriage oriented and say the words "I love you" after two weeks.
    So...should I be unresponsive and act as if I'm disinterested in the future? I don't see why there's a need to play games. If I like someone I act accordingly.

    xKorix said
    Do you like being with guys who ignore and neglect you? Constantly abandoning you for someone else who mistreats them? Are you a masochist too?


    Not at all. I don't like being mistreated. I can say that without any doubt. I want to be with someone who puts as much effort into being in a relationship and being with me as I do with them.
    I will admit that I stick around through a lot more bad treatment than I think most would, but that's because I want things to work out and walking away isn't going to do that.

    stilsurchin saidyou just caught a guy on the rebound that needed a comfort blanket while he readjusted to going back to the abusive syndrome he was caught in


    But why not stay with the person that treats you well? I can't wrap my head around the idea that someone would honestly prefer heartbreak.
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    Feb 17, 2011 7:19 PM GMT
    xKorix said... About the masochist remark, it could also apply to you too. Do you like being with guys who ignore and neglect you? Constantly abandoning you for someone else who mistreats them? Are you a masochist too? ...


    You've used the words ALL and EVERY as you've written about the guys you date/attract/are attracted to. Am I safe in assuming there's a pattern that you keep repeating?

    I finally broke that cycle when I figured out why I was attracting the same type of guys over and over.
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    Feb 17, 2011 7:48 PM GMT
    Instead of asking if all gay guys are masochists, you should be asking yourself what am I doing wrong that I keep attracting this type of guy?
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    Feb 17, 2011 7:52 PM GMT
    So you took an experience with a very small portion of a group you are included in and when that experience went wrong you then made a blanket generalization of that same group you are included in..
  • TheAlchemixt

    Posts: 2294

    Feb 17, 2011 8:14 PM GMT
    JJ,
    I am sorry to hear that you have just broken up with someone. I hope that you are okay. After reading your post I see that you were treating this guy great and as your number one priority. There is a saying that goes don't make someone your priority when you are only an option to them. It seems that this is what was going on. You need to pay attention to clues like someone not showing interest in you unless you are the one to initiate the contact. That should have been a clear warning.
    Don't worry about this guy there are plenty of single great men out there. Also, there is nothing wrong with the way you treat a man. The world needs more romantic and thoughtful guys. Don't let this situation jade you. Just learn from it.
    One day you'll find that one guy who appreciates all the things that you do for him and give it back to you in return. - Ryan
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    Feb 17, 2011 8:22 PM GMT
    This sounds so familiar! I did this! hah.

    From experience, don't try and work around his schedule all the time. The way you made it seem is that you were doing all the work and if you fell into his schedule, you were the lucky one. That is bullshit.

    You say you want a relationship where you can be nice and not taken for granted and used? You should get with a guy who treats you the same. You shouldn't bend over backwards for a guy you barely know. It makes no sense. I understand that people treat others how they want to be treated but if someone is obviously not making the effort (like your guy) then you should stop talking to them.

    Don't let anyone treat you like you are nothing.
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    Feb 18, 2011 8:16 AM GMT

    I agree with CLDoyle. You have to respect yourself, which includes defining with is and is not acceptable behavior, to receive respect from the other guy. Treat yourself as nice as you treat them!
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    Feb 18, 2011 4:37 PM GMT
    CLDoyle saidThis sounds so familiar! I did this! hah.

    From experience, don't try and work around his schedule all the time. The way you made it seem is that you were doing all the work and if you fell into his schedule, you were the lucky one. That is bullshit.

    You say you want a relationship where you can be nice and not taken for granted and used? You should get with a guy who treats you the same. You shouldn't bend over backwards for a guy you barely know. It makes no sense. I understand that people treat others how they want to be treated but if someone is obviously not making the effort (like your guy) then you should stop talking to them.

    Don't let anyone treat you like you are nothing.


    +1 If there is one lesson I have learned from the RJ community: Only fall for a person who reciprocates your attention whether that be in terms of texting, gifts, or scheduling time together.
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    Feb 19, 2011 6:20 PM GMT
    Best advice I've ever received is to put someone on mute and let their actions speak. Put aside all the nice shit they say and talk about, and if their actions don't match, they don't mean it.