Guys blowing hot and cold? -- no pun intended. What is up with that??

  • spero123

    Posts: 60

    Feb 17, 2011 3:26 PM GMT
    Here's the sitch.... u meet a wonderful guy.. one of the few rare decent people thats out there. You have tons in common - likes, dislikes, food, relationship ideas etc... it all seems good and you think ur on the same page...but 1 min its seems all good, and the next is close to a cold shoulder and the next its all good again.. and so the cycle continues??

    Your thoughts?icon_question.gif
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    Feb 17, 2011 3:30 PM GMT
    gay=94.99%flake?..................................Keithicon_wink.gif
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    Feb 17, 2011 3:32 PM GMT

    Just tell the guy.

    "One minute you're hot, then you're cold. I never know whether I need an electric fan or a sweater."

    Laugh. Keep it warm, and make sure you're not doing it either (blowing hot and cold) and he's just reciprocating. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug
  • JJ_Atoli

    Posts: 295

    Feb 17, 2011 3:35 PM GMT
    I'm trying to figure out this very same problem
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    Feb 17, 2011 3:40 PM GMT
    What if you ask him what's up?

    The majority of the time people are doing something, it has nothing to do with you. Could be him reacting to something going on in his life.

    It could be that he was conditioned to act this way. People learn how to act from past relationships, not always the healthy lessons.
    It's possible that he was to eager in a past relationship, which turned the other guy off. Now when things are going good, he plays it cool to try to keep you from getting turned off by his eagerness.
    He could have gotten hurt in a past relationship. The cold shoulder is to keep you two from getting to close and to keep him from getting hurt.

    It's all speculation at this point. If you like him and want to continue going out with him, tell him how when things are going well you tend to experience a cold shoulder from him. Communication is key to clearing up your issues.
    If he gets defensive or isn't able to talk to you, then maybe you cut your losses and move on.
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    Feb 17, 2011 6:23 PM GMT
    Why would anyone ever want to be in a relationship with someone like this? I mean, a guy might be hot and things might look good on paper, but if he's acting in this flaky/hot-and-cold/bipolar way at this point, it's like a gigantic red flag that's being frantically waved in your face. My advice: Dodge the bullet. There are plenty of better guys out there.
  • xebec75

    Posts: 243

    Feb 17, 2011 8:18 PM GMT
    nyc2sfo2010 saidThere are plenty of better guys out there.

    This is why so many relationships don't last. There aren't really that many great guys out there. Why are there so many hot older and single guys on this site??? Waiting for Mr. Perfect is a recipe for loneliness. You're not perfect, why expect that?
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    Feb 17, 2011 9:07 PM GMT
    xebec75 said
    nyc2sfo2010 saidThere are plenty of better guys out there.

    This is why so many relationships don't last. There aren't really that many great guys out there. Why are there so many hot older and single guys on this site??? Waiting for Mr. Perfect is a recipe for loneliness. You're not perfect, why expect that?


    You're right--waiting for Mr. Perfect is definitely a recipe for loneliness. But I'm not talking about waiting for Mr. Perfect. I'm talking about wasting time with a guy who's constantly going from hot to cold to hot to cold, when you could be out there spending time with guys who have outgrown that adolescent shit.
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    Feb 17, 2011 10:19 PM GMT
    I ask myself am i good enough to be love are be with someone neasr me to hang and with with be here i just keep on getting blow off like am dirt i know i come from the dirt but that dont mean you you treat me like it.. they always wonder were are the nice guys.. am here getting blowed off i ask for some one to hav eto go to the gym i got blowed off from that why i dont know.. as i get closer into this its alot of flakers here and there so........icon_confused.gif
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    Feb 18, 2011 2:40 AM GMT
    Its possible he has a couple of guys he cycles through that he uses for booty calls, or he's dating someone else
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    Feb 18, 2011 2:44 AM GMT
    Ermine saidWhat if you ask him what's up?

    The majority of the time people are doing something, it has nothing to do with you. Could be him reacting to something going on in his life.

    It could be that he was conditioned to act this way. People learn how to act from past relationships, not always the healthy lessons.
    It's possible that he was to eager in a past relationship, which turned the other guy off. Now when things are going good, he plays it cool to try to keep you from getting turned off by his eagerness.
    He could have gotten hurt in a past relationship. The cold shoulder is to keep you two from getting to close and to keep him from getting hurt.

    It's all speculation at this point. If you like him and want to continue going out with him, tell him how when things are going well you tend to experience a cold shoulder from him. Communication is key to clearing up your issues.
    If he gets defensive or isn't able to talk to you, then maybe you cut your losses and move on.


    i approve this messageicon_biggrin.gificon_exclaim.gificon_exclaim.gif
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    Feb 18, 2011 2:55 AM GMT
    I think a lot of guys are under the impression that they don't have to work at relationships and think it's gonna be damn near perfect the 1st time around. As soon as something funny comes along the 1st thing most people wanna do is end it and just move on. For certain things, yes, doing so is the smart thing to do (being cheated or stole from) but for the little trivial things people just don't seem to be able to weather it hence why most relationships don't last.

    People lack the ability to communicate the little problems they see and then let it build up. When that happens then naturally there's bound to be some kind of a big blow out resulting in hurt feelings and eventually a break up.

    I say for some things you can overlook them (depending on your comfort level) and just move past it but if not then you need to announce and nip it the bud. If things aren't looking promising after you've addressed the issue and you feel like you can't deal with it anymore then calling quits is the sensible thing to do. Just don't be so quick to assume there is something better for you out there because of the small stuff.

    Test your mettle. Don't let it go untempered.
  • spero123

    Posts: 60

    Feb 18, 2011 9:26 PM GMT
    Hey everyone.. thanks for all the replies i have received. I think Ermine is on the button with this one.. Its an aspect i never really considered but its the one that makes the most sence.

    Small things make a big impact on relationships and i agree, Mr Perfect may be out there, but he will never be flawless. We all have issues at some point that we need to deal with and what type of person would i be to judge someone and ditch them just because they have issues..

    But again, its nice to get everybody's views and opinons on this matter. keep em coming.

    I am gonna give it some more time and see how it plays out, will update ond let you know what happens...
  • Hammer89

    Posts: 237

    Feb 18, 2011 9:31 PM GMT
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  • mybud

    Posts: 11819

    Feb 18, 2011 9:46 PM GMT
    You got a hold of one of those moody types...Personally....I don't have the time for games...but if the pluses out weigh the negatives...If you can deal with it...your golden....BUD
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    Feb 19, 2011 4:30 AM GMT
    Congratulations, you've just won a bipolar!
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    Feb 19, 2011 4:47 AM GMT
    DOMINUS saidCongratulations, you've just won a bipolar!


    LOL icon_smile.gif No he hasn't! This is pretty common. It might have to do with guys becoming so jaded after years of dating. Afraid of commitment, playing hard to get, etc. All recipes for being single. Speak with him about it (focusing on your feelings, rather than accusing him of anything). Better to find out early on.
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    Feb 19, 2011 4:55 AM GMT
    You must be dating in LA haha
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    Feb 19, 2011 4:57 AM GMT
    Sometimes some people some guys need some time to process their thoughts and emotions. Then after a cooling down period they will share. Many times guys out there are scared because they realize they have found someone they want to be with forever. They are the type that allow fear into their lives and then run to be with some other guy that they know is not as good. We live in a world that has a bell curve for everything and a world that now produces too few real men.
  • Leo123

    Posts: 126

    Feb 19, 2011 5:23 AM GMT
    Give him a bit of time, be open about your intentions and keep your expectations low.

    This could either be a tough phase he's going through (unlikely) or a personality trait (aka flake right..)

    2-3 more dates with a bit deeper conversation and you'll be able to tell.

    And don't betray yourself and hold on to false hope. Reality is crystal clear and it's usually right in our faces. We just choose to see it or not. If he doesn't want anything to do with you, he will keep on blowing hot and cold.
    A lot of people just like the attention, remember this.
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    Feb 22, 2011 3:51 AM GMT
    Great! Keep us updated. I think he may not know he's hot one second and cold the next. Gay men fluctuate because we try and fit too many molds.

    Talk to the guy and find out what's really bothering him, if anything. Keep it a part of the conversation and permit him to tell you his perspective.

    I, too, fluctuate sometimes and so does my partner, but we keep ourselves involved in the relationship and communicate. It helps keep us focused.

    Mike