Dealing with Homophobia

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 02, 2008 8:16 AM GMT
    Ok. Got another homophobic encounter yesterday. Online, thank jeebus, else I'd be in jail now. It happened in an online game, most regular players I know there are pretty open-minded, but there are assholes that play too when there're no mods around, so I can't request a kicking or a banning. I carry a GLBT tag next to my game name like a dozen or so other players there, either because they were homosexuals or because they were straight allies. Some players recognize it and would ask about it politely, others simply attack and call you 'fag' outright.

    I still can't deal with it properly. My reaction is of course anger, then attempt at discourse, which ends up just being mocked. All in all, I inevitably lose. Why do I even delude myself into thinking that they can change their minds? What gets to me is that these guys are usually just regular guys who are nice to me before they knew I was gay. Then suddenly, it's like I'm a leper. I know it's not even a big deal to them. It's just fucking JOKES to them, but why do I let myself get drawn into caring about what they think?

    They keep spouting bullshit like 'it's a choice', 'if you don't want to be made fun of, just don't like men', 'it's disgusting', 'it's a sin', 'it's unnatural'. Fuck! They are making fun of what I AM as if what I feel doesn't even fucking matter. What's scary is that if it wasn't online, I'd probably have ripped out their jugulars or something. It makes me THAT angry. I have been called a 'berserker' before, because even though I VERY RARELY get mad, when I do, I can't control myself.

    I'm worried about what might happen after I come out. Because if something like this happens in real life, lord help me... because once when I was friggin 11, I've swung a piece of wood at a bully 5 years older than me, with the full intention of killing him. Luckily, he ducked. The 3inX3in, 4-foot long, hardwood beam, however, SPLINTERED against where he had been sitting. Only after I was restrained by teachers did I calm down enough to realize how close that was. There were 4 other instances growing up where I got this mad, including one where I BIT a classmate on the back hard enough to make him bleed when I was 9. Friends usually know it and take heed when I fall silent and start breathing unnaturally (it's my way of trying to contain the anger) - in their description: "like a panting buffalo". Heh

    ...

    I'm a pacifist, but I have limits. It isn't anger management issues since I'm almost NEVER angry (which might actually be the problem - built up pressure that never finds release in my normal self, you might say).

    So I wonder, do you get desensitized to it sooner or later? Because it really freakin' fucks up my day when it happens. I don't want to give a shit what idiots think, but I do. The fact that they don't listen either makes it worse. The only choice I have is to retreat, and that fucking stinks when I know I'm right. How do I deal with it? As you already know, I'm usually cheerful, and I usually use sarcasm when I disagree; but that doesn't work either, they don't seem to get humor. So should I just do my best to ignore them?

    It just makes me fucking feel worthless. Makes me feel all that shit I went through trying to accept myself all over again - like something in me is wrong, and I can't change it. I KNOW nothing is wrong with me... it SHOULDN'T bloody affect me, but it does.

    I'm so bad, that even in YouTube where homophobic comments are the norm, it seems like I always want to respond to EVERY homophobic poster in an attempt to show how wrong they are. Is this a normal reaction? Where do I buy the chill pills? Heh This world's so full of idiots it makes me want to bloody migrate to Mars or something.
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    Apr 02, 2008 3:54 PM GMT
    The next time someone calls you a fag, ask them to offer up their mother or sister or wife or girlfriend so you can practice fucking women.
  • mcwclewis

    Posts: 1701

    Apr 02, 2008 4:28 PM GMT
    I agree with McGay, thats an excellent idea.



    I totally understand you though, I get real angry too. Im usually pretty good with staying calm, and Im a pretty good talker... Ive actually gotten quite a few idiots to be less homophobic, or at least less outwardly critical of it. I cant say that an online video game is a place I would have any success though.


    Not sure what game you're playing, but I would just target the hell out of them.
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    Apr 02, 2008 4:41 PM GMT
    McGay saidThe next time someone calls you a fag, ask them to offer up their mother or sister or wife or girlfriend so you can practice fucking women.


    McGay is kinda onto something. You're getting wound up because you're making the focus you and YOUR orientation.

    Nothing sends a bully packing (real or online) as quickly as being mocked. Use humour to YOUR advantage. A classic line that comes to mind is "I'm more man than you are and more woman than you'll ever have."

    Sounds like a good thread topic: Snappy comebacks to homophobic jerks.
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    Apr 02, 2008 7:11 PM GMT
    Part of your anger comes because you are not out. I really think a lot of gays, myself included, have a huge pool of resentment built up over having to hide. It starts to leak out somewhat after you begin coming it.
    The rest is justified - ask to fuck their moms.
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    Apr 03, 2008 7:20 AM GMT
    JustJohnPart of your anger comes because you are not out. I really think a lot of gays, myself included, have a huge pool of resentment built up over having to hide. It starts to leak out somewhat after you begin coming it.
    The rest is justified - ask to fuck their moms.


    I guess that explains it really. Coz it feels true. It's like why the hell are they making fun of me when I've been through much more than they ever have? When I just spent my entire teenage years hiding from guys like them?

    McGayThe next time someone calls you a fag, ask them to offer up their mother or sister or wife or girlfriend so you can practice fucking women.


    I can't say that without puking though. LOL.

    mcwclewisI totally understand you though, I get real angry too. Im usually pretty good with staying calm, and Im a pretty good talker... Ive actually gotten quite a few idiots to be less homophobic, or at least less outwardly critical of it. I cant say that an online video game is a place I would have any success though.


    Not sure what game you're playing, but I would just target the hell out of them.


    That's what I try to do, unfortunately, I'm too sensitive, get distracted while aiming, and I never seem to impress them with my l33tness. LOL

    GigaramNothing sends a bully packing (real or online) as quickly as being mocked. Use humour to YOUR advantage. A classic line that comes to mind is "I'm more man than you are and more woman than you'll ever have."

    Sounds like a good thread topic: Snappy comebacks to homophobic jerks.


    Humor doesn't work. Coz neanderthals don't get it. LOL

    Start the thread! icon_razz.gif Sounds good.

    Thanks guys, feeling better now. This morning I just received a notification from a months old flame war in facebook from a homophobe. I deleted it. icon_razz.gif Months ago, I would've opened it and risen to the bait. But now... no sense in ruining my day just to read another ignorant ranting about my unfitness to be part of the human race. icon_razz.gif
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    Apr 03, 2008 11:32 AM GMT
    Sedative14 said Thanks guys, feeling better now. This morning I just received a notification from a months old flame war in facebook from a homophobe. I deleted it.

    Who is this asshole on facebook? Let me take care of himicon_twisted.gif
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    Apr 03, 2008 11:49 AM GMT
    Great comebacks:

    Marc Connelly, a famous playwright of the 1920s and very bald, was sitting in a restaurant having dinner, and a patron approached him, rubbed the top of Connelly's head and said, "This feels just as nice and smooth as my wife's ass."

    Connelly said: "You know, you're right. It does."
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    Apr 03, 2008 12:49 PM GMT
    If I'm not alone or outnumbered, I usually respond with "Don't worry, you're too ugly for me."

    The only time I ever wanted to get physical in reaction to homophobic/racist commentary...I was at a local gay pride even with my bf at the time - He's black - and we were just walking down the street to find a parade watching spot in the quasi-gayborhood. It was June - we're in shorts and t-shirts. My t-shirt was a cheap novelty tee from Target. It had that goofy cereal bird and the words I'm Cuckoo under his image. His eyes are crossed, etc. I thought it was cute when I'd bought a few years before that. As we walk by this group of 30something gay men - all white, all kind of...country looking (and I can say that as a farm boy!) - they look at my bf at the time, then at me, and snap, "We know what kind of cocoa puff you like."

    It took 3 guys to hold me back.
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    Apr 03, 2008 12:55 PM GMT
    hmm....yeah usually if they're not violent i would go for the 'fugly ain't my type' sorta thing...friends of mine are always suprised at how seriously some str8 guys take it at not being considered attractive by gay guys.
    but sometimes its best to just get a thick skin and let it roll off...usually they're bored or looking to get a rise out of someone. don't play into their game.

    lol and as far as the COMPUTER game goes, get damn good at it (or just get a steadier mouse hand ) and get your gay friends together to collectively cap thier asses. It's one of the few arenas of life where you don't get put away for killing pple over and over.
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    Apr 03, 2008 12:57 PM GMT
    and as for facebook....just start giving the deuchebag all the invitiations for all the applications you have. especially any gay-oriented events or applications.
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    Apr 04, 2008 1:02 PM GMT
    zimatar said[quote][cite]Sedative14 said[/cite] Thanks guys, feeling better now. This morning I just received a notification from a months old flame war in facebook from a homophobe. I deleted it.

    Who is this asshole on facebook? Let me take care of himicon_twisted.gif[/quote]

    His name is Jason Sandy. LOL

    jprichva
    Connelly said: "You know, you're right. It does."


    LOL!

    RunintheCityAs we walk by this group of 30something gay men - all white, all kind of...country looking (and I can say that as a farm boy!) - they look at my bf at the time, then at me, and snap, "We know what kind of cocoa puff you like."

    It took 3 guys to hold me back.


    This is what gets me, you just feel so helpless as they trample all over your dignity and to them it's simply a joke. icon_mad.gif

    north_runnerlol and as far as the COMPUTER game goes, get damn good at it (or just get a steadier mouse hand ) and get your gay friends together to collectively cap thier asses. It's one of the few arenas of life where you don't get put away for killing pple over and over.


    Oh, I am. LOL. But playing from the Philippines, I get awfully high pings and the game stutters sometimes. But on most days, I'm decently 1337. LOL I just lose my concentration easily when baited. icon_confused.gif

    Usually when I'm playing with friends and one of them makes the mistake of trolling, they get harassed until they quit by themselves. Heh Or they'd just get a boot from the mods.

    north_runnerand as for facebook....just start giving the deuchebag all the invitiations for all the applications you have. especially any gay-oriented events or applications.


    Awesome idea. ROFL. But he's not on my friend's list. *sigh* I'm afraid I'll just have to erase him from all of my thoughts.
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    Apr 04, 2008 2:35 PM GMT
    Virtual bullies ... see we have really entered into a digital age.

    Anger, anger management. You are only human and all these fiery emotions are all a part of it. Of course wondering what to do about it, the bullying and the anger, are questions we all have to grapple with. I mean we can fight, we can argue, but it seems that in the goal to live a happy, peaceful life that is going in the opposite direction. I mean if you can be the biggest, baddest guy on the block, fear and intimidation can work for the short term I guess.

    Anger .. it happens to us all .. who could believe this ..

    dogs

    Becomes this!!!

    dogs

    Its always easy to sit back after the fact and be rational and cool about something, but when fight or flight happens, you are dealing with millions of years of evolution. Nevertheless, I know there are ways of dealing with things like this and training yourself to be calm and collected when confronted with hostility. Not doing anything and being content with yourself is an option and you should never feel forced into a situation. The more you know yourself and are comfortable with yourself the more likely you will come up with a good solution.

    I like reading the Tao Te Ching and then go think on things.
    Knowing others is intelligence;
    knowing yourself is true wisdom.
    Mastering others is strength;
    mastering yourself is true power.
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    Apr 04, 2008 2:40 PM GMT
    Maybe would should just show folks that little dog going from cute to fierce. That made me laugh!
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    Apr 04, 2008 4:05 PM GMT
    Yes .. T-bone will protect you!! He will guard your internet connection too! .. no cyber-terrorist or bullies here buddy!!

    dogs
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    Apr 05, 2008 1:30 AM GMT
    Sedative14, I consider words like Fag/Faggot and Homo a badge of honor. It really takes the wind out of their sails when you take ownership of the word and are proud of it. I also let them know that I pity them for being slaves to vaginas.
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    Apr 05, 2008 1:33 AM GMT
    John43620 saidSedative14, I consider words like Fag/Faggot and Homo a badge of honor. It really takes the wind out of their sails when you take ownership of the word and are proud of it. I also let them know that I pity them for being slaves to vaginas.

    I believe it's "vaginae."
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    Apr 05, 2008 1:36 AM GMT
    I said vaginae as a joke, but apparently firefox agrees. Wow.

    sedative,

    Man i know how you feel sometimes. I often want to track down everyone who I think is dumb, but the truth is, until these people know someone they love is gay, they won't understand. And then it will hit hard. Don't worry about them. You have had a lot longer to be okay with this than them, they are ignorant and ill-informed.
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    Apr 05, 2008 1:53 AM GMT
    Sedative --- I can totally understand how you feel and can lose it over being maligned by gay bashing. when I was in highschool two guys harassed me for about 3 months, so my anger slowly built up. On of them wrote a story about me and a (as he put it in the story) queer old neighborman. I came to school one day and some of my other friends aked me about the "OLD MAN" I found out what they were talking about, then after a school function with around 300 present, I started boxing his jaws, I couldn't tell you how many times I hit him, I just totally lost it. When done he was missing 2 teeth, had broke glasses, bloody lips, and nose, swelled eyes. they took me to the principles house, and that bastard said something again about me, and I went after him again right in front of the principle !!! LOL !!!! He never said but 2 or 3 words to me the rest of our 3 years of highschool !!!! My sympathies are with you !!! try not to do what I did though !!! these days it could land you in jail.
  • sammie

    Posts: 15

    Apr 05, 2008 2:50 AM GMT
    In the eighth grade, as class president I was subjected to an impeachment campaign over rumors I was gay.

    For the next 5 years I was untouchable, completely radio active. My books were stolen from my locker, replaced with death threats and swastikas. People called my stepfather late at night to tell him I was a faggot, which led to massive bullying at home as well as school. I'm now almost 30 years old and have only recently begun to feel safe.

    But I refused to turn violent. Even as I completely disintegrated I refused revenge, and it was my saving grace.

    There are moments in life- long moments- when your character will be tested. You won't pass all of them, some tests are meant to teach you who you are through the vehicle of experiencing who you are not. But always remember:

    You will never get ahead if you're busy getting even.
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    Apr 05, 2008 3:53 AM GMT
    I don't know how much it has to do with you not being out... I've been out for something like 24 years now, and that still sends me on the warpath. For me, it's because the word (used in this context) comes from an origin of hate, violence, and their desire to make gay people seem or feel "less than". What they get with me is a pissed off, totally viscious, angry Indian... and I don't stop until I put fear on their hateful little faces. Really, I'm a peaceful, mellow kind of guy... but that (along with the "n" word) sets me off like a cannon.

    I've been in restaurants and grocery stores where an employee called me, or someone I was with, a "fucking faggot"... and I had their jobs before I left. I will make a scene... I don't care... hate speech is not excusable, and I refuse to let it go. Hate speech leads to violence... I've seen too much and lost too many friends to homophobic violence to feel otherwise, because letting it go implies that it's ok... and it's never ok.
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    Apr 05, 2008 7:24 AM GMT
    ActiveAndFit said
    Knowing others is intelligence;
    knowing yourself is true wisdom.
    Mastering others is strength;
    mastering yourself is true power.


    Thank you for that. icon_biggrin.gif

    John43620Sedative14, I consider words like Fag/Faggot and Homo a badge of honor. It really takes the wind out of their sails when you take ownership of the word and are proud of it. I also let them know that I pity them for being slaves to vaginas.


    Honestly I prefer not to. I detest the word 'fag'. icon_neutral.gif It's alright if meant in a friendly way, but with hostile jerks? I think they'll only snicker. icon_confused.gif

    sickothesameI often want to track down everyone who I think is dumb, but the truth is, until these people know someone they love is gay, they won't understand. And then it will hit hard.


    Yeah. icon_confused.gif I wish everybody had a gay brother or sister. LOL Just so they'd know what we go through.

    realifedadHe never said but 2 or 3 words to me the rest of our 3 years of highschool !!!!


    LOL that was bad. But it had to be emotionally satisfying like hell. Heh icon_wink.gif

    SammieYou will never get ahead if you're busy getting even.


    figured that out too. :/

    NativeDude
    What they get with me is a pissed off, totally viscious, angry Indian... and I don't stop until I put fear on their hateful little faces. Really, I'm a peaceful, mellow kind of guy... but that (along with the "n" word) sets me off like a cannon.


    LOL, dude. You sound EXACTLY like me.

    NativeDudebecause letting it go implies that it's ok... and it's never ok.


    EXACTLY. icon_sad.gif I really hate it when I know I just have to let them go without at least, a virus in their PC, LOL. Each time they 'win', they get more and more convinced that they are right.

    But... *sigh*...

    Om mani padme hom..... icon_wink.gif