Is it bad...?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 20, 2011 7:14 AM GMT
    I just got back from a pretty bad date, but the quality of the date is not what is in question. What is is it bad to have certain qualities in mind for a guy you want to date and then when you go out on a date with someone, totally dismiss them because they don't live up to what you want? (I hope that's not too confusing, it makes perfect sense in my head).

    Maybe an example?

    A characteristic I'm looking for is masculinity - I want a man who is manly, period. So is it bad for me to dismiss someone who is feminine, even if they are barely feminine? I mean, he was a perfectly cool guy...he just..idk.

    If you understand where I'm coming for and/or have input, please feel free.

    Thanks,



    Stephen
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    Feb 20, 2011 9:13 AM GMT
    I'm just glad you don't try to identify yourself as "straight-acting" because all the straight guys I know like women who are feminine.
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    Feb 20, 2011 3:04 PM GMT
    if you set parameters in life, you will miss a hell of a lot.........take down the walls and smell the roses, all kinds of roses....fem, masculine, whatever, you might just find the right heart in something totally outside those confining walls you have erected......personally i find some lighter guys pretty damn sexy................................Keithicon_wink.gif....morning Paulie...icon_smile.gif
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    Feb 20, 2011 3:31 PM GMT
    Yep know what you mean and I am the same way. If it's not the best thing being this way well it's just my preference. I could force myself to be different then I would not be going with what I feel is right for me. To each his own.
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    Feb 22, 2011 3:34 AM GMT
    Hey man,

    I'm sure I can relate and understand your feelings. For a 19 year old, go out on a few dates or hanging out with a range of dudes. I think teenagers get caught up on feminine or masculine. Focus on your interests and see whether the other guy's interests mesh with yours. I'm not sure what to say, but even if you do not like the guy or its a disaster take something from it dude.

    Best to you man!

    Mike
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    Feb 22, 2011 6:17 PM GMT
    Stephen109 saidI just got back from a pretty bad date, but the quality of the date is not what is in question. What is is it bad to have certain qualities in mind for a guy you want to date and then when you go out on a date with someone, totally dismiss them because they don't live up to what you want? (I hope that's not too confusing, it makes perfect sense in my head).

    Maybe an example?

    A characteristic I'm looking for is masculinity - I want a man who is manly, period. So is it bad for me to dismiss someone who is feminine, even if they are barely feminine? I mean, he was a perfectly cool guy...he just..idk.

    If you understand where I'm coming for and/or have input, please feel free.

    Thanks,



    Stephen


    I'm missing something here... was it a "bad" date because the conversation was terrible, or because he came off as a self-absorbed jerk? Or was it a bad date because he didn't conform to your pre-conceived notions of what your Mr. Right will be? Since you described him as a "perfectly cool guy", I'm assuming it was the latter.

    Look, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt here--you sound like a nice kid (yes, at 19 you're still a kid). When I was your age, I wouldn't go near any guy who was the slightest bit effeminate. It had a lot to do with my own internalized homophobia. I knew I was gay, but I wanted desperately to be normal and accepted, so I resented people who were flamboyantly gay, because somehow it reflected on me and reminded me that, at the end of the day, I really was different. In hindsight, though, all it did was cause me to waste what should have been some of the best years of my life--in college, my prejudice in this regard pretty much cut me off from making some lifelong gay friends and from having relationships.

    In order to find happiness in life, you're going to have to take risks and make some compromises, and that means confronting your own preconceived notions about what's attractive and what's not. That's not at all the same as having standards and keeping to them--I'm not saying you have to date people you find completely unattractive, or boring, or jerks. It's more about giving yourself some room to see whether, after a couple more dates and some more conversation and laughs, the guy's "barely feminine" qualities might not fade into the background...

  • ohioguy12

    Posts: 2024

    Feb 22, 2011 6:38 PM GMT
    I know exactly what you're talking about, I went out with a really good guy last week, he seemed to have everything I wanted, but it seems like I dismissed him right away after finding out how old he is. This is something that's really hard to overcome even though I know age shouldn't be a factor it just stayed in the back of my head and I didn't realize all the good qualities in him. It's easier to tell someone else that things like that shouldn't matter, but when it's you in that situation, it's a lot tougher. So it's not bad, it's just life
  • neosyllogy

    Posts: 1714

    Feb 22, 2011 6:42 PM GMT
    It's not about whether or not you should pursue someone who doesn't live up to your standards -- you shouldn't.
    It's about whether your standards are good ones.
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    Feb 22, 2011 6:47 PM GMT
    It's never bad to be selective with potential dates. If you start settling for someone with whom you're not completely satisfied, you're going to be unhappy. It's not worth it. It has nothing to do with being superficial. It's about being fair to yourself, and being fair to the other person as well.
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    Feb 22, 2011 7:44 PM GMT
    If you aren't attracted to the guy, there is no point to stringing him along. Tell him there is no chemistry and move on.

    neosyllogy saidIt's not about whether or not you should pursue someone who doesn't live up to your standards -- you shouldn't.
    It's about whether your standards are good ones.


    ^^This
    If you have a checklist for potential dates, you will be single for a long time. You're looking for a date, not customizing your car.
    It's good to have standards on the men you date, just make sure to look at what are the important qualities (or deal breakers).

    The irony is that you, as a music major, might also be dismissed by the masc guy you're looking for because it may seem a bit femme.
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    Feb 22, 2011 8:29 PM GMT
    Ermine saidIf you have a checklist for potential dates, you will be single for a long time. You're looking for a date, not customizing your car.
    It's good to have standards on the men you date, just make sure to look at what are the important qualities (or deal breakers).

    The irony is that you, as a music major, might also be dismissed by the masc guy you're looking for because it may seem a bit femme.


    Really well said. On the topic of checklists, it's worthwhile checking out this video from Dan Savage: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ObrFwjesno&feature=related

    Wish I had seen it when I was younger.
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    Feb 23, 2011 8:15 PM GMT
    nyc2sfo2010 said
    Ermine saidIf you have a checklist for potential dates, you will be single for a long time. You're looking for a date, not customizing your car.
    It's good to have standards on the men you date, just make sure to look at what are the important qualities (or deal breakers).

    The irony is that you, as a music major, might also be dismissed by the masc guy you're looking for because it may seem a bit femme.


    Really well said. On the topic of checklists, it's worthwhile checking out this video from Dan Savage: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ObrFwjesno&feature=related

    Wish I had seen it when I was younger.


    I checked out the Dan Savage video. Thanks for sharing the video--it's quite interesting. For the most part, I agree with him, particularly with his view that there's a price to pay (which he calls the "price of admission") for being in a loving relationship, and that guys who're looking for someone to share their life with cannot focus on "superficial bullshit" as potential dealbreakers. Well put indeed. Where I part ways with Dan is where he suggests that people somehow have to pretend to be someone else in order to be in a relationship. I'm not sure if that was said in jest, but I think people have to be true to themselves in order to be happy, and it's never acceptable, at least in my mind, to pretend to be someone you're not. Inevitably, the facade will break, as it always does, and when it does break the pieces cannot be put back together. A relationship based on lies cannot withstand the test of time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 23, 2011 8:16 PM GMT
    Everyone is feminine and masculine.
    Trying to deny those aspects in others and oneself is a form of self-hate.
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    Feb 23, 2011 9:44 PM GMT
    DOMINUS said
    I checked out the Dan Savage video. Thanks for sharing the video--it's quite interesting. For the most part, I agree with him, particularly with his view that there's a price to pay (which he calls the "price of admission") for being in a loving relationship, and that guys who're looking for someone to share their life with cannot focus on "superficial bullshit" as potential dealbreakers. Well put indeed. Where I part ways with Dan is where he suggests that people somehow have to pretend to be someone else in order to be in a relationship. I'm not sure if that was said in jest, but I think people have to be true to themselves in order to be happy, and it's never acceptable, at least in my mind, to pretend to be someone you're not. Inevitably, the facade will break, as it always does, and when it does break the pieces cannot be put back together. A relationship based on lies cannot withstand the test of time.


    I don't think he's saying you should lie or pretend to be something you're not. He's saying something more profound. Namely, when two people first meet, they're obviously both trying to make the best impression with the other. Over time, they each get to see behind this mask, to see the guy who farts and has annoying habits, but there remains a strong element of seeing the best potential in the other person and loving him because of it. This is turn makes you want to become that better person. Like the line from that sappy Jack Nicholson movie from the 1990s: "You make me want to be a better person."