Is it normal to be 25 and have no friends?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2011 2:21 AM GMT
    I'm only admitting this because I can remain an anonymous entity on this website. I'm 25, have a successful career, am attractive/fit but have ZERO friends and I don't even know about going about making them.

    When I first moved to Austin three years ago, I was "fresh meat" and had a ton of guys interested in/trying to hook up with me and always left with someone different. But in the last three times I've gone out (all within the last four months, I've gone home alone).

    This shouldn't matter but it does -- hooking up gives me a "confidence high" for a short while until I need to feel worthwhile again.

    So here's the deal -- I know stuff goes down in this city, that I've attended. But I invariably end up looking like an idiot standing around by myself while everyone else is laughing with their friends.

    Its like, I can be in a sea of people and still feel completely alone.

    To be honest I've never had friends and always told myself that if I focused on my career, and building my mind and body that I'd be happy. But I'm not.

    I'm honestly reaching out for advice here. Just sick of sitting alone every Friday/Saturday night.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2011 2:51 AM GMT
    To attempt to help you, im gonna take a wild guess and say that you should open up more? Say "hi, my name is..." more. You can start by helping, caring for those who surrounds you first (co-workers, relatives, etc) These are your immediate friends. You never kno, these people might introduce you to their friends... icon_biggrin.gif

    Anyway, how about starting to put those hot pics of urs on RJ for a change? icon_wink.gif
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 21, 2011 2:59 AM GMT
    No it isn't typical (I'm not going to use the word "normal".. what the hell is normal anyway). If you have been putting the emphasis on your career and things like fitness are priorities (which we understand), it would be easy to
    lose the priority of friendship with others.

    But you confuse "friendship" with gay men that might be dating material.
    Do you want a date or a friend? Big difference between each. I have friends of varying sexes, ages, races and backgrounds. I have friends from all walks of my life.. elementary school, college, law school, horseback riding instruction, professional career, side activities, church and would 99% of those be people I'd date.... no! But I enjoy their company, things we have in common and the ability to learn.

    If you want real friends, I suggest you join some organizations that you find interesting and have an open mind in spending time in ways you probably haven't thus far in your life. If you want a date or a relationship with a man, thats a different story.

    Just remember, spending time with friends, helping friends and other people
    creates satisfaction and hopefully happiness with who you are and what you are capable of..... you'll learn alot. I suggest you do it or you may find yourself truly alone someday and I won't wish that on anybody!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2011 3:05 AM GMT
    Yes, it's normal. You're likely an introvert and not inclined to follow the crowd, both of which are good traits. Rather than focus on making friends, you might focus on identifying the activities that you really enjoy and then doing them with other people who share your interests. Friendships seem to naturally follow in these circumstances. And even if you don't meet anyone that you particularly want to be your friend, you will still have a good time.
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    Feb 21, 2011 3:08 AM GMT
    I'm not looking to date right now. What I need/want is platonic relationships.

    But it's just always been very difficult for me to connect/establish relationships on a deeper level.

    I have been called aloof/arrogant but that's just a reaction to never fitting in.


  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 21, 2011 3:19 AM GMT
    The_Austonian saidI'm not looking to date right now. What I need/want is platonic relationships.

    But it's just always been very difficult for me to connect/establish relationships on a deeper level.

    I have been called aloof/arrogant but that's just a reaction to never fitting in.




    Actually I've been called "aloof" and "arrogant", especially at a party when I don't know anybody. I can be introverted and extraverted, depends whats up and my comfort level. You said you have "never fitted in". Explain that to us and we might be able to make suggestions. "Never fitting in" has a negative connotation. I like what Legal Eagle said above... you just may be
    a little unique. There certainly can be very good things that way.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2011 3:21 AM GMT
    Actually, we seem pretty familiar. I'm really into my career right now. I want to go to business school soon, so I'm making sure I get put on the best deals and have tangible experience. To this point, it's hard to make new friends when you work all the time...even in NYC.

    I guess I do have friends, but not many close ones. The friendships I have are long-term in nature and happened through circumstance, but I'm not sure if I know how to make new ones. If you have any luck, let me know ;) Wish you all the best.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2011 3:34 AM GMT
    HndsmKansan said
    The_Austonian saidI'm not looking to date right now. What I need/want is platonic relationships.

    But it's just always been very difficult for me to connect/establish relationships on a deeper level.

    I have been called aloof/arrogant but that's just a reaction to never fitting in.




    Actually I've been called "aloof" and "arrogant", especially at a party when I don't know anybody. I can be introverted and extraverted, depends whats up and my comfort level. You said you have "never fitted in". Explain that to us and we might be able to make suggestions. "Never fitting in" has a negative connotation. I like what Legal Eagle said above... you just may be
    a little unique. There certainly can be very good things that way.


    Growing up in affluent nearly all-white enclaves my whole life I never felt like I could relate to other black people. Throughout my high school, college, and now professional career, I'm always the "token black guy".

    When I realized I was gay, it came as a huge shock and I almost ended my life. I knew it would be a tough road ahead being a double minority.

    Now, I mostly hide my orientation and I don't feel that's what's preventing me from making friends. To be honest...I don't know what is.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2011 3:37 AM GMT
    The_Austonian said

    Growing up in affluent nearly all-white enclaves my whole life I never felt like I could relate to other black people. Throughout my high school, college, and now professional career, I'm always the "token black guy".




    Me too, but that's no excuse. I didn't grow up affluent (lower middle class), but I was like the only black kid. lol.

    There are plenty of black people you can relate to and you really should make sure you explore that option. It may help you with your introversion too (not that it's a problem unless you really want friends).

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    Feb 21, 2011 3:41 AM GMT
    No, there are not. Austin is not an integrated city and there just aren't a lot of upwardly mobile black people that I could relate to.

    In any case, I don't care what color they are, I just want friends.

    Maybe I'm just in the wrong city.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2011 6:03 AM GMT
    Thought #1: Most of us have so little information to go on that we're probably projecting from our own experiences/problems rather than addressing yours. So take what fits.

    First, though, I think you're confused. You started out talking about friends (that's the topic title), then went on to reflect on not going home alone the first few outings ("fresh meat") and then went back to tell us you want platonic relationships.

    Platonic relationships don't have to be gay friends yet it sounds likye you're talking about "going out" and I presume gay "stuff" that "goes down in this city".

    So here's my guess: you have trust issues. I think a lot of us do just by virtue of having grown up gay and in the closet. So you have this secret... and how can you get close to someone and not tell them? Easier to focus on school/career/anything-else.

    Reading further down the page, I see you said:

    TA> I mostly hide my orientation and I don't feel that's what's preventing me from making friends. To be honest...I don't know what is.

    It's not, but just maybe it is...?


    TA> Growing up in affluent nearly all-white enclaves my whole life I never felt like I could relate to other black people.

    Let me jump on this. Not only are you the "token black guy", meaning you don't fit in the "white" world... but at the same time you don't fit in the "black" world, either. You're always the outsider. The observer. Not a participant?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2011 6:11 AM GMT
    you are quite likely an introvert, perhaps a Myers-Briggs INTP

    . . . this is not such a bad thing in the grand scheme of things; in fact it is probably a sign of something significant . . . but it does take some finesse-ing in the real world . . .

    . . . explore the possibilities . . . and do observe extroverts you admire or are attracted to . . .

    once you understand the Lonely Crowd dynamic, you will or can be its master . . .
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    Feb 21, 2011 6:26 AM GMT
    You're still in somewhat of a transition phase of really embracing who you want to be.

    Make sure your actions are conducive to what your desires are. You can't be aloof if you want to have friends. Not saying you're intentionally aloof, but you have to be intentionally not-aloof, if you know what I mean. It's a lesson I'm still learning today, at age 40.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2011 6:26 AM GMT
    I can relate to you. Since I can remember I've always been "Token". I just moved out to Cali and I'm currently in the military. Very similar experience with gay experiences and age. Although I can't say the fresh meat thing happened to me haha. But one thing I learned is being the "token" alone keeps people at a distance. Black people prob tell you your arrogant after only hearing you speak. I can could go on with this but its uncalled for. It's hard to make real friends when you can't open up or share any real interests. It's a numbers game you will meet some real friends.
  • Beeftastic

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    Feb 21, 2011 6:30 AM GMT
    Well you've clearly stated two things that are problems.

    First, you say that some people have commented that you are aloof and arrogant. You might not be that way on the inside, but it probably is your defense mechanism on the outside. It's a problem I also have. I am a very warm, social and gregarious person among friends, but put me in a bar by myself and I feel like there is a wall between me and the rest of the place, and I usually leave feeling pretty alienated. I hardly ever have conversations or meet anyone. I have never really found a way to overcome that. So bars are just not for me. I know there are ways to do it better but I haven't really found any. So you need to work on being warm and open while in public. Make eye contact, smile, actively find things that are interesting in those around you.

    Second, you say you hide your sexuality most of the time. I know from experience that it makes it harder to connect with people and make friends when you are in a state of hiding. Fix this one problem and a lot of other problems will probably evaporate.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2011 6:31 AM GMT
    I have to be honest, I don't think its normal like some people are saying. Humans are social creatures, and we need interactions with others and a support system to stay sane! I suppose its a catch 22, because your harming your social skills by being a recluse, which is going to make it harder to make friends. Don't be so guarded, try to put a little trust in people. Reveal one private thing about yourself to someone, its a constructive step in creating an intimate bond.
  • FRE0

    Posts: 4862

    Feb 21, 2011 6:41 AM GMT
    People define "friend" differently. To some people, a casual acquaintance is considered to be a friend. To others, a friend is someone whom they have known for a long time and thoroughly trust. So, it may be that according to people who define "friend" rather loosely, you have many friends.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2011 6:52 AM GMT
    "Normal" is a dangerous term. But as other people have said, it does seem a bit unusual for a 25 year old to have no friends at all. And more importantly, it seems that not having any social contacts is not what you want.

    I noticed upon looking at your profile that you have only the bare minimum in terms of describing yourself, and in terms of describing who would get along with you the best. Maybe a picture of yourself along with some words would help spruce up your profile and make people more likely to respond to you.... that is, if you put yourself out there and say hello to a few people. There will inevitably be duds, but that's normal & to be expected.

    It seems you have some fears about being in relationships.... friends or more. And have used your career as a way to distract yourself from this "void" area of your life. Maybe it would be helpful to join an activities group around a sport or activity that you really enjoy.

    If you feel that your difficulty making friends stems from some experiences you had earlier on in life... see a therapist who can help you sort out your issues and who can create ways to help you gain and maintain quality relationships.
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    Feb 21, 2011 7:01 AM GMT
    I've been there... After moving to San Jose two years ago, all my high school friends had since moved away, and I didn't keep in touch with people at work from job to job... So I didnt really have a best friend for a while. The only thing I found that helps is to cultivate those friendships that I do have, even if that's only one! It truly helps take the pressure off meeting tons of people. I found that a lot of people in the mid to late 20's don't have a huge circle of friends, but maybe one or two really good friends.

    Aside from that, I try to explore different interests outside of my usual circle. It's amazing where I end up meeting friends. Recently, I met a couple good friends while volunteering. Also being open to women or men, gay straight, bi, whatever, helps increase the list of potential buds.

    Well, that's what's been working for me lately. Hope it helps.

    Hang in there... ;-)

    -JJ
  • melb_boy21

    Posts: 23

    Feb 21, 2011 7:13 AM GMT
    I wanna give some advice but feel like a hypocrite because I've just recently moved to a new place and am having real trouble making friends myself.
    Personally, when I'm at a party I try to meet as many people as I can. It hasn't really worked lately but at least it almost has. I mean I've got a few phone numbers (not in a dating kind of way, just from other straight guy). I'm closeted but you know what I mean. You've just gotta lose that fear of striking a convo with a stranger. Move away from the corner/wall haha. Once you are talking and smiling you won't be acting aloof anymore. You may wanna try this at places other than gay bars. I'm not sure that's the best places to make real friends. If you wanna make a real friend, talk to someone you WOULDN'T fuck! A straight guy or a girl maybe. That way there is no tension and it's a non-threatening situation. Like others have said, it's a great idea to figure what your interests/hobbies are and find a group that does that activity. For example, considering you're on RJ, you might like to join a sports club/team. That would be a great start! icon_smile.gif

    Don't forget: Smile, Be open and take an interest in people, ignore the fear and just do it!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2011 7:15 AM GMT
    It's not normal (or it's unusual) to be 25 and have no friends. Having said that I'm 23 and I don't have any either, nor do I talk to anybody outside my family.
    So if it's any consolation, you're not the only one.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2011 7:19 AM GMT
    Want friends? Be a friend.

    Try volunteer work. It's a good way to meet people who aren't snot slinging drunk.

    Try taking a class. Study groups can beget meeting people who share an interest.

    True friendships take time to develop. Again. Want a friend? Be a friend.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2011 7:22 AM GMT
    Mate there are a lot great advices up there and you should harness each of them the best you can.

    The thing is to forget racial identity and forge friendships that are beyond color.
    If you're successful at work, my suggestion is to hang out with a colleague or two after work hours. Somebody around your own age is ideal. Hell be friends with the xerox guy.

    And also try adding more info on your profile , most guys around here aren't as evil as they claim to be!!(Looks at Paulflex :lolicon_smile.gif
  • gallus81

    Posts: 350

    Feb 21, 2011 8:12 AM GMT
    being nice gets friends

    talking to random people (sometimes) gets friends

    joining groups (social, sporting, theatrical, arty, etc) gets friends

    being out, honest and open about life gets friends




    not saying you don't do these things, but these would be the places I'd go looking myself ...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2011 8:25 AM GMT
    GAMRican saidWant friends? Be a friend.

    Try volunteer work. It's a good way to meet people who aren't snot slinging drunk.

    Try taking a class. Study groups can beget meeting people who share an interest.

    True friendships take time to develop. Again. Want a friend? Be a friend.


    ^^This.

    Never ask for things you yourself aren't willing to give and don't confuse friendship with sex.