The Ugly Duckling Complex /Syndrome

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2011 8:13 AM GMT
    Alright so most have you heard this term before and read about the book.

    Summary: Not so attractive turns into an extremely attractive person.



    The thing is that I just have hard time accepting people calling me attractive. When I look into the mirror, all I see is a skinny ass kid in High School who was a dork till end of senior year.

    Its been over ten years since and I've overhauled myself to 'look' attractive. The only thing I still get really shy or modest about people complimenting me. I just get insecure when people call me hot or sexy.

    I'm not fishing for compliments, all I want to know is how to trick my mind to clear this issue. Its really a sore point because I know my personality trait is friendly and outgoing.

    Oh and I've talked to myself in the mirror to say I was handsome and good looking....My maid must have thought I was crazy icon_lol.gif

    Well take care ya all!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2011 10:06 AM GMT
    Although the clip is amusing, You need to change your outlook and make your new image your current reality.

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    Feb 21, 2011 12:15 PM GMT
    Maybe its self defeating lol... Bah just bury this thread I made.... All I have to is workout some more and just be me.
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    Feb 21, 2011 12:26 PM GMT
    oh gosh i know that one ....

    i´m actually always shocked when i get a date
    cuz i always think i´d probably reject myself

  • Karnage

    Posts: 704

    Feb 21, 2011 12:28 PM GMT
    I think as long as you really do like yourself, there's nothing wrong with feeling uncomfortable with people complimenting you. I think it shows that you are a humble and modest person, and not a narcissistic asshole like so many other good looking guys out there. The thing to remember is just to smile and say thank you when people compliment you, and not try to tell them that they're wrong.
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    Feb 21, 2011 2:05 PM GMT
    A hot guy who doesn't know he's hot is extremely sexy. It's the best of both worlds when he's very good looking but doesn't have an ego about it (as long as he doesn't need constant validation about his looks).
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    Feb 21, 2011 2:34 PM GMT
    Your maid?!
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    Feb 21, 2011 2:47 PM GMT
    hey man,

    Most men feel this about themselves. I feel this way often and my partner does, too. It's all good. Don't kick yourself too hard in the nuts or beat down yourself too much, though. It's easy to get a date, but it's more difficult to build a relationship. Remember, we all have insecurities.

    Mike
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    Feb 21, 2011 3:03 PM GMT
    I think no matter how old you get, how you change your body or anything. Everyone will always have insecurities about themselves. You just need to look in the mirror and find the traits about yourself you love.icon_razz.gif

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    Feb 21, 2011 3:11 PM GMT
    You'll make a superb boyfriend or husband some day. I want your "maid"--send her to me from Karachi with love!
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    Feb 21, 2011 3:18 PM GMT
    Getting over the complex here as well...was a huge dork, nerd, geek, in middle school and was always made fun of to the point where I considered suicide in the 8th grade cause life was hell.

    Before entering high school took the summer to work my ass off, changed my entire wardrobe, got contacts, and a major hair cut, and came back to enter high school to become (with out trying too hard) one of the most respect and well know students of my high school, a state championship swimmer, involved in many clubs and originations both in and out of school and who many girls wanted to date.

    My senior year some of the other people who were part of the really popular group asked me why I didn't like them and reminded them of how they treated me in middle school...they didn't remember....

    Now well thru college, people tell me I'm attractive but I don't see it. Yes I think well of myself, have high self confidence, somewhat low self esteem (getting better). But have always had a problem when someone tells me I'm good looking since for 3-4years got told by my classmates daily that I was ugly...kids are cruel!

    Oh well those days are behind me, I'll find my a good man while they marry a woman and get fat and ugly together icon_twisted.gif
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    Feb 21, 2011 3:23 PM GMT
    I am my own worse critic and have never felt good about how I look. I don't take compliments well about myself and it is a huge wall to get over, so I do know how you feel and I don't think it is that uncommon, straight or gay, many people are insecure about their looks............start by learning how to accept and respond to a compliment as being genuine and use that to help yourself to grow.........................btw you're a very handsome guy.....Keithicon_wink.gif
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    Feb 21, 2011 4:31 PM GMT
    As someone who's suffered this dire affliction of being beautiful and damaged for nearly thirty years what I find most interesting is the dichotomy and rush of both loving and loathing a compliment.
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    Feb 21, 2011 4:40 PM GMT
    Beauty is always in the eye of the beholder....take the compliment and stop trying to control, or even worry, what others think of you...It doesn't work...and don't be upset if someone is NOT so complimentary....icon_biggrin.gif
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    Feb 21, 2011 7:02 PM GMT
    boulderic saidYour maid?!


    As Dominus mentioned I'm currently stationed in Karachi so I have a maid, a governerness, a chauffeur and a part time cook.....


    But honestly I love being independent....


    Btw today I met with friends for coffee/dinner and I literally tried on several different clothing to make myself look attractive. Then by the next table there was this cute guy who looked as if he looked effortless in his clothing..I was 'fuck me' i can't even compete with that guy....

    Meanwhile everyone complimented me for looking really put together....

    All I did was 'heh'......

    I swear they must have thought I was being a snob icon_confused.gificon_sad.gif

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    Feb 21, 2011 7:14 PM GMT
    Fivealive saidI just get insecure when people call me hot or sexy.
    I'd hit it.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Feb 21, 2011 7:24 PM GMT
    These are all great responses! but I like to input and remind you all there is a much deeper meaning as to the Ugly Duckling complex! as corny and sappy as this may sound BEAUTY in the context of the UGLY DUCKLING COMPLEX was meant for people to recognize that beauty is not only in the eye of the beholder but that it is also skin deep!; having said that what the OP should really work hard on is in keeping up with the virtues/qualities that helps to keep his TRUE SELF forever young and beautiful; humbleness and confidence being two of the bests "sunscreens" if you will, that will help keep your inner self from getting old and wrinkled!!


    Leandro ♥
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    Feb 21, 2011 8:32 PM GMT
    Being short and Oriental, I've never felt all that attractive. That feeling became much worse when I joined the "gay world" and realized that men of Asian ancestry are sexual pariahs in the eyes of attractive, well-built men. Sometimes, it seems like the only men who are attracted to me and willing to make an effort to talk, fuck, etc are older, overweight rice queens.

    On the other hand, I'm often pleasantly surprised when I get a hook-up or a date with an attractive, athletic guy or even if someone like that simply chats me up at a bar, on the beach, at the gym, etc. That's what keeps me going and as I've gotten older, I don't worry too much or care about how others perceive my appearance. I get out there and do the best I can with what I've got and always hope for the best. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Anto

    Posts: 2035

    Feb 21, 2011 10:13 PM GMT
    Fivealive,
    It might be that you are not attractive in the way you want to be despite being attractive to other people according to what they think is attractive.
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    Feb 21, 2011 10:18 PM GMT
    I feel the same way about myself icon_confused.gif
  • kencarson

    Posts: 224

    Feb 21, 2011 10:48 PM GMT
    I'm the same way, but the truth is, you have to start accepting the compliments. Because if you keep seeing yourself as the ugly duckling, it will affect your self esteem, and hold you back. It has for me in the past.

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    Feb 21, 2011 10:53 PM GMT
    Fivealive said...I still get really shy or modest about people complimenting me. I just get insecure when people call me hot or sexy.

    I'm not fishing for compliments, all I want to know is how to trick my mind to clear this issue.

    I was the ugly guy in high school, certainly a nerd. No girl would approach me. I didn't have my first date until 26. I think most of it had to do with my confusion about my sexuality, and the vibes I was sending out.

    So OK, I finally come out at nearly 46. And I've suddenly got gay guys around me like flies! Telling me how handsome I am, how sexy, all this crap.

    Yeah, I know they may have had an agenda, a load of crap they're handing me, and I'm wary, but still: how do you handle it?

    You go from frog one day, to Prince Charming the next? Now that's a shocking transition! (Now I'm back to frog, BTW, age having its own agenda)

    And I didn't handle being Prince Charming very well. I had spent too many years as the frog, it suited me better.

    You are much younger, and I hope you do better than me. Compliments are the hardest thing for me to accept. Aside from my own intense self-hatred for all my failures, I was raised very strict Catholic. Self-effacement and humility were literally beaten into me, by nuns and Jesuits. I try to boost myself with bragging here, but it really doesn't work.

    So be Prince Charming yourself. I think you could. I see no reason why not.

    And forget the mirror. It deceives, a psychological distortion. I look into the mirror and I see myself from over 20 years ago, trim & fit. I see a photograph of me, and I see the truth today: fat, old and out of shape.

    The mirror isn't telling you the truth. It's giving you an altered view of yourself, from years ago. This is how our minds work. A mirror is good for shaving, and seeing how our necktie looks. For judging ourselves, it fails. Trust me on that.
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    Feb 21, 2011 10:56 PM GMT
    i guess i might have that too cause everytime i get a compliment (in person) i'm always waiting for the insulting punch line to come.

    the only problem i have now is that no one wats to know me they just want to bed me.
  • ohioguy12

    Posts: 2024

    Feb 21, 2011 11:01 PM GMT
    Ermine saidA hot guy who doesn't know he's hot is extremely sexy. It's the best of both worlds when he's very good looking but doesn't have an ego about it (as long as he doesn't need constant validation about his looks).


    I couldn't agree more
  • Space_Cowboy_...

    Posts: 3738

    Feb 21, 2011 11:05 PM GMT
    So you're complaining b/c you're hot now? hmm well Congratulationsicon_biggrin.gif