How do you get over someone?

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    Feb 21, 2011 10:21 AM GMT
    Me and this guy have been best friends for 4 years now. Hes straight and I'm gay but i think he knows I'm gay even though we don't talk about it or have ever discussed it. To sum it up it is the most fucked up relationship ever. We recently stopped talking because we got into a fight. I think it's my fault and now he wont talk to me. I love him so much but I can't take it anymore. I can't take knowing that our relationship will never go anywhere and I just need to learn how to pick myself up and move on, the weird part is I never been through something like this before and I have this huge pain in my chest. I feel like my heart is just being squeezed and every time i think about him not being in my life anymore I panic. I just wanna know how to make this go away, how to be strong and just move on. If anyone has any pointers I'd appreciate it.

  • TheAlchemixt

    Posts: 2294

    Feb 21, 2011 12:19 PM GMT
    Hey buddy,
    Sorry to hear that you are going through such a ruff time. I think that If this guy is really meant to be in your life then he will end up being back in it. If not then it was not meant to be.
    If he does come back into your life you need to accept the fact that he is straight and that you will never have that type of intimate relationship with him. If you cannot accept that I do not see how your friendship would last.
    The only thing that I can recommend is to try to do things that you enjoy that will take your mind off of him. After sometime it won't hurt so bad. I am a firm believer that time heals all wounds.
    Also stay away from sharp objects in the mean time. -Ryan
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    Feb 21, 2011 1:44 PM GMT
    I was in a very similar situation myself (though the guy was bi so I felt like I actually may have had a chance). The end result was there though (pain in the chest, being upset, that sort of thing).

    Mixlean covers a lot of the advice I would give. Time is the big cure all. It sucks and it can take a long time to get over someone but you'll pull through eventually.

    Currently, the guy in my case lives across the country. I've seen him once in the past couple of years but we still keep in touch using email/skype every so often. Occasionally, I do feel the pain again but for the most part it has gone away and we can talk and laugh as friends.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 21, 2011 1:54 PM GMT
    Tough situation. If you are going to have a friendship, it has to be on his terms
    (and understand, there isn't anything wrong with that since he's straight). If
    you can't accept that, you need to drop it.

    You will feel empty for some time, but get busy, do some new and different things (key) and gradually the emptiness will ebb and things will improve.
    Don't know the status of the situation at present, but "holding on" if things have gone sour won't serve you well... move on, it's in your best interest.
    If it isnt' too late, a long talk with him and a real understanding by you, that he is off limits to anything but friendship.
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    Feb 21, 2011 3:24 PM GMT
    If it's your fault, take responsibility for it and make amends--grovel if you must, and forget about pride. If your friendship with this guy is that important to you (and it sounds like it is), then don't let any anything get in the way of that friendship. HOWEVER, if you're motivation is other than maintaining that friendship (i.e., you're hoping to have a bf relationship with him), you should really think that through because that could be extremely problematic. Best of luck, and I hope you feel better.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19119

    Feb 21, 2011 3:31 PM GMT
    m33mo5 saidI never been through something like this before and I have this huge pain in my chest.



    They call it "Heartache" for a reason. Time is really the only cure
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    Feb 21, 2011 5:59 PM GMT
    Time man time. Distance too.

    I was with this guy 12-15 hours a day for 2 yrs (we are both big nerdy jocks so Gym+Classes+Library together)

    He knows all and I was being kinda dependant on him (got some bonus I can cuddle him when alone)

    When I finished school we had a HUGE fight just right before I moved away. so nothing was right at that time and my sky was dark.

    Now it's been 6 month and plus we are 7 hours away so I have learnt to live and my sky is getting clear gradually.

    When you are ready to open yourself to others whom you have ignored and appreciate everything you have, you are getting over with it.
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    Feb 21, 2011 6:06 PM GMT
    I was in the same situation a few years ago. I met this guy my freshman year of college that I had a totally crush on. I hoped he was gay, but turns out there is no hope that he is. So we became like best friends. We did everything together and I loved every minute of it. But then it just started to become an unhealthy crush. He is a very self-centered and selfish person and he likes to play games with his friends because he has no self-confidence but tries to cover it up.

    Anyways, we started getting in tons of fights and finally one day I realized that he was a crappy friend and that the only reason I wanted to hang out with him was because of that crush I had on him. I distanced myself from him a bit and the crush pretty much went away because the distance made me realize I was holding on a crush from when I met him and that he wasn't the guy I thought he was. Finally about a year ago I got completely over him. We hang out sometimes, but I have no crush anymore. He actually tells me sometimes that we never hang out anymore and that we need to "get back together" (which was a play on everyone's joke that we were boyfriends because we were so close).

    Just distance yourself. Those kind of crushes are never healthy. Think about yall's fucked up relationship while you are distanced and it will help a lot. And realize you will never be together; stop holding on to hope.
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    Feb 21, 2011 6:08 PM GMT
    The best remedy, IMO, is to go on a date with someone else, or several guys in a row, depending on the severity of your condition.

    It'll help you see that there are other available guys in the world. It should also help you regain a sense of self, rather than seeing your life as interconnected and dependent on this specific person.

    This applies to breakups, crushes, etc. I've tried it personally and I'm happy to report it works icon_smile.gif
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    Feb 21, 2011 6:39 PM GMT
    Wow, familiar story. I was actually in a relationship with a guy and we both agreed to end the relationship and just be friends, so we did. We got together one night, went out for drinks and it's was a BIG mistake. He had issues and ended up screaming at me in the middle of the street in SF. He had drank too much and the next day called to apologize, I emailed him a response (voicemail would NOT be long enough) and he didn't like what I said. I was honest and up front but also complimentary and caring. He would not respond to any of my attempts to contact him (email, cards, voicemails). I really liked the guy and his refusal to acknowledge me killed me. I ached in my heart and learned that if you want to hurt someone, just quit talking to them all together. Finally after meeting my current bf, I emailed him to say hi and wish him well. He responded (10 months after our date out) to tell me he had received ALL my messages, etc but didn't feel he could respond until he knew I had let him go. It was the message I needed to truly let him go. He's a great guy with a wonderful heart but it wasn't going to work for us.

    It's a hard thing, but time does heal. Distance yourself from everything that reminds you of him. It's hard when a song comes on or someone says something that triggers a memory but as time goes on it will get easier. Someone new will eventually captivate your time and your thought will be engrossed with someone new and more interested. Good luck.
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    Feb 21, 2011 6:45 PM GMT
    Time...mostly....also remove things that really remind you of him...even his name out of your phone if you need to.

    Will not be easy but then a day will come where you don't think of him...then anotehr, followed by another and soon the pain will go away as well and life will get back to normal. You will never truly forget about him and certain things will make you remember him with little pins of pain to go with the reminders.

    Just time, feels horrible now but as time goes by will get better, slowly but surely
  • mybud

    Posts: 11819

    Feb 21, 2011 7:00 PM GMT
    Dude.....time heals.....take this time to develop your own qualities....a hobby or passion....maybe getting more physically fit.....Always remember this man...to truly love another person...you first need to learn to love yourself....again over time things will improve but if you get down always reach out for others.....It's not a burden cause they care for you and your ultimate happiness...All the best....BUD
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    Feb 21, 2011 9:32 PM GMT
    Thank you all for all your help and sharing your stories I didn't think a lot of people had been in my situation before. I tried texting him and when I asked him so are we over he said I dont know. And then he said don't ask me that. anyways so I'm trying to keep busy but it's hard I appreciate all these stories you guys told me so many bits and pieces of yours sound similar to mine and it feels a bit better knowing that other people went through this. My friendship with this guy is like we are together. We do everything together and we do cuddle even and I give him massages and play with his hair and he plays with mine and cuddles me into his chest. expect we don't have sex. Everyone makes fun of us and tells me that im the girl and hes boy and he even jokes about it two. I adore him he makes me feel safe he gives me this warm feeling and without him in my life I feel empty and exposed like he is not my shield anymore. icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Feb 21, 2011 9:44 PM GMT
    This is a best friend, right? Well the only thing to help is time and distance. Nothing much you can do. It's not like you are his BF.
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    Feb 21, 2011 9:44 PM GMT
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    Feb 21, 2011 9:49 PM GMT
    lmao @ the Video post that was funny and weird.
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    Feb 21, 2011 9:50 PM GMT
    if you have a ten foot chain, some duct tape, cat food, and a basement.......there's no need to.
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    Feb 21, 2011 9:58 PM GMT
    m33mo5 saidlmao @ the Video post that was funny and weird.


    you might be too young to really understand the clip but the movie was EPIC.
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    Feb 21, 2011 9:58 PM GMT
    the best way to get over a guy, is to get under another one!
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    Feb 21, 2011 10:02 PM GMT
    Well honestly in my case its with time the long time its passed the more i forget him
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    Feb 21, 2011 10:03 PM GMT
    AvadaKedavra said
    m33mo5 saidlmao @ the Video post that was funny and weird.


    you might be too young to really understand the clip but the movie was EPIC.


    yo, agreed. Misery was one of my fav movies as a kid. Maybe one day, I'll find someone who loves me enough to treat me like that. icon_rolleyes.gif
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Feb 21, 2011 10:12 PM GMT
    I hate to say this, but it sounds like maybe the healthiest thing would be for you two to not spend as much time together. It sounds like his ambivalence is tormenting you, and it puts him in a position to manipulate you, whether it's conscious or not.

    Like some of the other guys on here, I had a crush in college on a guy who became my best buddy, and we did everything together. We were like sex-less lovers, the bond was that tight. We really did love each other--platonically, anyway. That all changed when I couldn't take it anymore. I had yearned for so long to take it to a physical dimension, and it was a huge disaster when after we had a few beers out on the town, I made a pass at him. Though easily swept under the handy excuse-carpet of "I was drunk" (not really so drunk, actually), it was as though the spell had broken, and along with it, our friendship.

    Which is all to say that I completely sympathize with what you're going through, but you may need to make a clean break for a while to allow you both to sort through whatever you're feeling, individually.

  • TheAlchemixt

    Posts: 2294

    Feb 21, 2011 10:16 PM GMT
    LOL at Ava's video response. I also watched that movie when I was a kid. That chick was psycho!
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    Feb 21, 2011 10:29 PM GMT
    KSUOWL saidI was in the same situation a few years ago. I met this guy my freshman year of college that I had a totally crush on. I hoped he was gay, but turns out there is no hope that he is. So we became like best friends. We did everything together and I loved every minute of it. But then it just started to become an unhealthy crush. He is a very self-centered and selfish person and he likes to play games with his friends because he has no self-confidence but tries to cover it up.

    Anyways, we started getting in tons of fights and finally one day I realized that he was a crappy friend and that the only reason I wanted to hang out with him was because of that crush I had on him. I distanced myself from him a bit and the crush pretty much went away because the distance made me realize I was holding on a crush from when I met him and that he wasn't the guy I thought he was. Finally about a year ago I got completely over him. We hang out sometimes, but I have no crush anymore. He actually tells me sometimes that we never hang out anymore and that we need to "get back together" (which was a play on everyone's joke that we were boyfriends because we were so close).

    Just distance yourself. Those kind of crushes are never healthy. Think about yall's fucked up relationship while you are distanced and it will help a lot. And realize you will never be together; stop holding on to hope.


    This was an exact play-by-play of the past year for me, down to the type of guy I was infatuated with. Kind of freaky.

    Is this normal for us ("us" as in gay guys)?
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    Feb 21, 2011 10:34 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]

    Is this normal for us ("us" as in gay guys)?[/quote]

    I am wondering the same exact thing.