Someone tell me it's just infatuation

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 21, 2011 7:07 PM GMT
    I can't believe I'm actually confused over this. I've been with my bf for 6 years (7 in september), and recently I've started chatting with a guy that honestly started as just friends, we became really good friends and now it's a lot more. now granted we have never met but he is 18, i am 28, we have a bunch of the same interests, of course they are mostly sexual, i know it's nothing. he says he really wants to be with me in a relationship. a rough patch with my bf doesn't help the situation either. i know he's really just a kid.

    i know it's just infatuation, right? any comments???
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    Feb 22, 2011 8:05 PM GMT
    wow, several views but not a single response. usually by now there is at least a little something.
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    Feb 22, 2011 8:10 PM GMT
    cougarguy saidI can't believe I'm actually confused over this. I've been with my bf for 6 years (7 in september), and recently I've started chatting with a guy that honestly started as just friends, we became really good friends and now it's a lot more. now granted we have never met but he is 18, i am 28, we have a bunch of the same interests, of course they are mostly sexual, i know it's nothing. he says he really wants to be with me in a relationship. a rough patch with my bf doesn't help the situation either. i know he's really just a kid.

    i know it's just infatuation, right? any comments???


    Well it looks to me like it's just infatuation because you said your common interests are mostly sexual.

    Besides you likely have a solid foundation with your bf of 6 years so don't throw that away if all it is is a "rough patch" as you say.
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    Feb 22, 2011 8:12 PM GMT
    It's hard for us to say man. We don't know the whole situation or how we can offer any guidance. You have been with your bf a long time and now your hitting a rough spot. It's tough man but relationships take work. It's not always gonna be rainbows and butterflies sometimes you have to ride out the hard times. As for this new guy, yes he is a kid and he may just want to sleep with you, you could give up a 6 year run for a one night stand.

    At the end of the day, the choice is yours. We don't have your perspective on your experiences or know what you want. Good luck buddy.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 22, 2011 8:12 PM GMT
    What you are experiencing is very typical actually. You've been in a relationship, you know the pros and cons, difficult period right now and your getting attention from a bright new (and young) interest. He is probably saying alot of things you want to hear... it happens to many of us. I understand.

    What you need to understand is that you are 10 years older than he and in a different stage of life... meaning that you need to approach this with some responsibility. It is probably his first experience talking to a "man" and he's excited, turned on and needs a good experience. I'd encourage you to approach him as a mentor, not as a potential boyfriend as this point in time.
    Your partner of 6 years deserves better, think carefully about what you are doing. It isn't fair to any involved.

    You can be his friend, but make it an appropriate friendship. I wouldn't call it infatuation, I'd call it human nature... but do whats right.
  • Syphon

    Posts: 366

    Feb 22, 2011 8:16 PM GMT
    It's probably infatuation. Work out your problems with your boyfriend, don't throw away six years for a kid who's probably too immature to hold a relationship for longer than his dick stays hard.
  • Msljocknyc

    Posts: 35

    Feb 22, 2011 8:16 PM GMT
    infatuation of course, 18 years old is crazy young, theyre new to those feelings and will fall for the first thing that makes em feel good, but will easily leave ya for the next shiny new object that comes along. So dont ruin a 6 year relationship over an 18 year old crush whos only common interests are sexual. its pretty cut and dry
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    Feb 22, 2011 8:25 PM GMT
    thanks guys. i think i just needed to hear it from outside people. it really is cut and dry but i mean seriously who doesn't want an 18 year old haha. and things are getting better with my bf, as with all relationships there are ups and downs but yeah i do like being a mentor to this kid, i've already taught him more than he ever knew about STD's and such (he's clean, though he had never even thought about being tested before)

    anyway, thanks guys, i'm always up for advice etc...keep it coming.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 22, 2011 8:30 PM GMT
    NNJfitandbi saidI think this is the wrong place for your post. This is a deep question and requires introspection, not comments on a message board. Have a dialogue with people who really know you about this. Good luck.


    Now it would be different if we had a crush on you NNJ.. LOL

    jk

    icon_biggrin.gif
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    Feb 22, 2011 9:17 PM GMT
    It's the 7 year itch.


    The boy is something new and shiny. The penis responds to a new stimulus. Is it worth it to you to throw away 6 years and a boyfriend because some new guy turns you on?

    It's ultimately up to you to say if things with the bf are over or not.
    Regardless, do NOT cheat. If you want to try things out with the new guy, come clean with the bf and break up first. You owe it to him and to yourself to do the right thing.
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    Feb 22, 2011 9:38 PM GMT
    The grass is always greener on the other side . . . until drought hits, then there's nothing.
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    Feb 22, 2011 10:49 PM GMT
    It seems everyone is advocating that you keep the 6-year bf and dump the 18yo which seems logical assuming your relationship with your boyfriend is worthwhile salvaging. I'll play devil's advocate: Are you truly happy in your current relationship? Has it run its course? Is it worth saving? Is it just a "rough patch" that you're going through or something chronic?

    Don't get me wrong. I believe in long-term relationships very much. However, there are some relationships that end up not working and individuals may remain in them even past their expiration date because they feel it's the right thing to do.

    Take time to assess your current relationship honestly. The "infatuation" with the 18yo may just be an internal signal of something deeper that you may need but that is not being addressed by your partner.

    Good luck!
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    Feb 22, 2011 11:27 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidThe grass is always greener on the other side . . . until drought hits, then there's nothing.
    Wow, that's exactly what I was going to say. >+1
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Feb 23, 2011 1:24 AM GMT
    I'm confused by the simple fact that your profile says that you and your boyfriend are in an open relationship where you play together (only together).

    Is this young man so fascinating to you that you have interest in him above and beyond your relationship, and see it as something that tempts you to exclusivity with him? Or that you're feeling that you don't want to share sexual intimacy with him with your partner, or, for that matter, share your partner with him?

    There's more than infatuation at work here, I think. It's a little more complicated based on your hope that it's just infatuation, and your having a 'rough patch' with a partner who is willing to open the relationship to others in the bedroom.

    Is this about the attention he gives you exclusively, and how that makes you feel, not just in terms of sexual attraction but something lacking outside of your sexual relationship with your partner?

    That is something you need to look at IN the relationship you are currently committed to BEFORE you engage in exploring it with ANYONE ELSE, regardless of age difference.

    He may be a temptation, but he's a craving, I suspect, and you'd best look at the steady diet you already have before tossing that aside in favor of a quick fix to a larger emotional nutritional deficit.
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    Feb 23, 2011 8:34 PM GMT
    I like this breakdown....

    STAGES OF RELATIONSHIP

    There are five stages to all relationships. All couples move through the different stages at different speeds and will move back and forth from stage to stage but both will predominately be in the same stage at the same time.

    1. ROMANCE STAGE

    All relationships begin with this stage. The need satisfied here is love and belonging. This stage i s characterised by its dream like qualities, fantasies, hopes for the future, the possibilities and the asking of "what if". Everything is wonderful, beautiful, fun and exciting.

    Reality is seen through rose coloured glasses or likened to looking into an off focus camera lens. Details are obscure and specifics are not discussed. The pair unfortunately are brain dead! They focus on similarities and do things to please each other. Differences are viewed as bad so are denied. The emphasis is on how to fit t and move together and soon they look like they're glued together at the hip. Each will do anything to get along.

    You deny part of yourself and the thinking is "Now that I have this other person I am complete and happy." The equation is: half + half =3D one you + me =3D us. This stage is short lived because you cannot be a whole person but the stage does allow for the building of a foundation for the relationship in the future.

    Romance allows one to take chances and risks and nurtures a belief that "I can do it". However, real love cannot begin at this stage so paradoxically one must fall out of love to learn to love.

    This stage lasts, on the average, two months to two years. Romancing takes up a lot of energy with all the courting and pretensions and trying to be the same and eventually you begin to tire. As well, melding at the hip becomes uncomfortable.

    When the cost to your individuality becomes too great you begin trying to change the other person. There is resistance, you try to insist and there is a fight, leading to the next stage of power struggle. A counsellor does not see anyone in the Romance stage.

    2. POWER STRUGGLE STAGE

    The need satisfied now is power and some freedom. There is an awareness now that you are different but the premise remains that differences are bad.

    The equation now is you + me =3D you vs. me. The lens of the camera is now a crystal clear zoom lens and you focus on every minute detail-your differences are magnified. You seem to have nothing in common anymore and everything the other person does is wrong. There is a pulling away from each other, a need = for space, a chance to breathe...all of which is quite normal.

    This is a critical stage where divorce occurs most frequently and when couples seek counselling, The fight is for boundaries and clearly defining unacceptable bottom line behaviours. The past is acted out in this struggle stage.

    You become aware of your quality world, perhaps a lonely road but a necessary one to determine what is really important to you. It is necessary to reclaim yourself as a whole person otherwise you die inside or end up hating your partner. This is necessary to move ahead.

    Going deaf is a power struggle syndrome - in anger the tightening of the jaw actually impairs 80% of our hearing ability. The focus in the power struggle stage is on the present and the past. There is a nervousness about the future and some questioning whether there will be one.

    There is a need to get the fighting from the past into the present - learn to fight where both win (i.e., use phrases like "I want to talk to you and all I want you to do is listen.") Accept that differences are okay and normal. Learn to be together because of choice not need as in the romance stage.

    This stage is a prerequisite to readiness to relate to each other as whole people. See it as a positive one, an opportunity to journey together, to learn how to fight fairly with both winning and to declare one's own individuality and separateness.

    It is possible to have one partner still in the romance stage while the other is into the 20 power struggle stage. This can be painful when the one in the romance stage finds that what he or she does for love and belonging leaves the other feeling oppressed (i.e., he brings her flowers which was once okay but now she feels controlled by his actions and reacts by needing even more space).

    3. STABILITY STAGE

    The need satisfied in this stage is freedom and choice. You are now aware of each others personal world instead of just your own and the difference is okay. It is finally clear you are not going to reshape your partner. Clear boundaries are determined.

    The equation is you + me =3D you and you. There is a sense of loss and a certain sadness at this time as your realise dreams aren't reality. The power struggle was hard and has weathered you. You feel older and wiser. If you had not learned good coping skills as a child the power struggle stage was even harder than it had to be.

    This is a resting time. The war is over and it's time to relax. You breath a sigh of relief. The danger at this stage is the couple may start to move apart as each does their own thing. There is a realization that each others paths in life may be different. There may be a feeling of boredom, a sense of not being connected and having nothing in common. The focus is on the present not the future because that is still undecided.

    This is the second most common stage for counselling or divorce. At first it feels good to agree to stop changing the other but ii life i s not like that. Life is about growing and changing. The positive aspect is that at this stage you have history and it can be used to advantage. Don't throw away the relationship easily. At this time you either learn mutual respect or you go back to the second stage.

    4. COMMITMENT STAGE

    This is the only stage where there really is a readiness for marriage though people usually have already married in the romance stage. That's unfortunate because when they reach the power struggle stage they wonder what hit them.

    In this stage you are wide awake, making clear choices about yourself and your partner, based both on individual differences and those things you have in common. You see clearly who you are and what you want as well as who your partner is and what they want. This is the only way for a healthy relationship. The equation now is you + me =3D you + me + us.

    You now choose each other with awareness of past, present and direction to the future. The needs fulfilled here are a balance of love, belonging, fun, power and freedom. You don't need each other, you choose to be with each other.

    If one of the pair is in the stability stage and one ready for commitment, the couple will either both remain in stage three or could return to stage two. Both need to be ready for the commitment stage. Though parts of previous stages may reappear there would have been enough work to have developed strategies for dealing with problems.

    Living together is probably a stage three without readiness for stage four.

    They need to stay in the stability stage until they are ready for commitment and really want to be a team. The statement can now be made to your partner, I choose to love you knowing all I know, good and bad." Getting married after living together can start you back at romance.

    5. CO-CREATION STAGE

    In this stage you are two people who have decided to be a team moving out into the world. The equation is you + me =3D you + me + us within the world. This world may include children, a project, a church, a joint business venture, etc.

    You move beyond the relationship. The danger at this stage is over involvement with the outside world and relationship being neglected. The relationship must be continually nurtured along the way. There needs to be time for you, for me, for us and for them. This is difficult sometimes and choices must be made.

    A test of where you may be in the relationship is: If your sp
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    Feb 23, 2011 9:07 PM GMT
    Syphon saidIt's probably infatuation. Work out your problems with your boyfriend, don't throw away six years for a kid who's probably too immature to hold a relationship for longer than his dick stays hard.


    Oh so well said!!
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    Feb 24, 2011 2:05 AM GMT
    hmmm 6+ years??? ever heard of the 7 year itch......more truth than fiction in some.....................keithicon_wink.gif
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    Feb 24, 2011 2:11 AM GMT
    cougarguy saidI can't believe I'm actually confused over this. I've been with my bf for 6 years (7 in september), and recently I've started chatting with a guy that honestly started as just friends, we became really good friends and now it's a lot more. now granted we have never met but he is 18, i am 28, we have a bunch of the same interests, of course they are mostly sexual, i know it's nothing. he says he really wants to be with me in a relationship. a rough patch with my bf doesn't help the situation either. i know he's really just a kid.

    i know it's just infatuation, right? any comments???


    Stop talking to him immediately. Why are you even having those types of sexual or sexually charged conversations with someone who isn't your boyfriend?

    Any then you complain that you are confused? No wonder you're confused!
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    Feb 24, 2011 4:11 AM GMT
    In my opinion you've already emotionally cheated on your partner. I agree with the guy above me, cut communication or ban the sex-related chatter. Is it worth breaking up with your boyfriend for someone you've apparently only connected with on a sexual level? Those "relationships" burn through really quickly, and 18 year olds move on even quicker.

    Don't be stupid.