drama, drama, drama

  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Feb 22, 2011 7:44 PM GMT
    I fucking hate drama icon_rolleyes.gif

    My boyfriend and I got in our biggest fight yet out of our 2 year relationship last night. He basically screamed at me for about 2 hours, at times he was just rambling. I sat in silence for 2 hours and finally said "im going to bed"

    apparently, he has all these issues I was unaware of. For example, his mother left him when he was 12, his sister did this, his brother did that, all I know is struggle, bla bla bla. He's trying to "find himself" is what he told me and I said "good, find urself"
    like what does that even mean though?


    He was crying crying crying! Like would not stop crying, like the kind of crying where u cant even breathe. Like hysterical crying. then yelling, than more crying.

    I'm shakened and worried. I live with this guy and I feel differently toward him now, he told me all these things I never knew about him for over 2 years. ugh, im so sad and just bla, I hate this. He hasnt been to work in 2 days so im worried about his job too, this is not good. icon_sad.gif
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    Feb 22, 2011 7:50 PM GMT
    Nobody likes drama but you should really have calm discussion with him.

    Find out whats bothering him. Obviously his pent up emotions has been unleashed but just have sit with him and help him however you can...

    If he's unable to share, then non threateningly suggest him to see a therapist or even a couples one.

    He's distressed so find out why.
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    Feb 22, 2011 7:53 PM GMT
    he snapped...maybe you should be there for him?

  • Feb 22, 2011 7:55 PM GMT
    I agree with these guys I am afraid to say.

    What you typed seems to be you cant be arsed to help him out. Yes he has flipped but there is a reason, rather than go mad yourself and be dramatic also, chat to him when he is calmer and see whats up?
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    Feb 22, 2011 7:56 PM GMT

    Was he drinking? or using drugs? Why would he, all of a sudden, bring all that crap up?
    Something must have been eating at him to blurt all of that out at one time.
    We ALL have some skeletons in our closet...and maybe he's just been suppressing it to keep peace with himself...and you.
    Don't turn your back on him.... sit down and have a long (quiet) chat with him about why he blew up like that...out of the blue.
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Feb 22, 2011 8:01 PM GMT
    Friendsrbetter said
    Was he drinking? or using drugs? Why would he, all of a sudden, bring all that crap up?
    Something must have been eating at him to blurt all of that out at one time.
    We ALL have some skeletons in our closet...and maybe he's just been suppressing it to keep peace with himself...and you.
    Don't turn your back on him.... sit down and have a long (quiet) chat with him about why he blew up like that...out of the blue.


    no, no drinking, but he did recently buy some xanex off the black market icon_confused.gif

    I guess this has been marinating and stewing with him for a long time. He thinks I belittle him by suggesting he go to school. He's 23 and works at an office at a job that will take him nowhere without a degree, he thinks im belittleing him when I suggest that. I try and be uber sensitive when I bring it up as to not make him feel bad, then he starts going off on tangents about his family and my family and his mother and father and all over the place. Its actually kind of scary and starnge
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    Feb 22, 2011 8:04 PM GMT
    This is not drama, this is some real stuff. Be supportive for him to go get some help. He sounds emotionally volatile and now it's interfering with work. That's not good.

    The issues you mentioned don't sound like they directly were the issue that caused this to happen. Old family drama would not cause someone to suddenly go off, without something else to trigger the old family drama to come back up for him. There must be something recent to bring all this back up.

    Things you can do:
    Find some help for him.
    Call his work and tell them he's 'sick' so he hopefully won't lose his job while dealing with whatever is going on.
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    Feb 22, 2011 8:42 PM GMT
    Import saidI guess this has been marinating and stewing with him for a long time. ...Its actually kind of scary and starnge

    I am never calmer than when in the presence of someone who is out of control, from general emotions, fear, panic, rage, physical pain perhaps, whatever. My response is absolute ice, a total 180 to whatever they're doing or experiencing. I wish I could do as well with myself. icon_redface.gif

    Sounds like you did something similar, and stayed calm, which is good. Pent-up emotions will indeed sometimes erupt like this.

    Prior communications between you two may have been lacking. Sometimes we project our own contented feelings onto a situation, and assume the other guy feels the same way. Until one day he blows up. I had a moment like this one with my late partner.

    In the Army we had a saying that sometimes we have to switch from "transmit" to "receive." Have you been receiving adequately? If you're a dominant personality, as I am, the danger is that you will trample your partner, without even knowing it, and certainly without ever intending it. Happening little by little, inexorably, but finally he rebels. Added to this is his own personal history, where he resides emotionally already, that I understand you didn't know.

    That's why I'm best paired with another dominant personality who can stand up to me, even though sparks will fly from that, too. But my doom, and his too, is if he's a passive personality. I'll become a dictatorial bully without even realizing it, and he'll hate me for it. I can't help myself. So I need to be kept in my place by someone who can.

    Time for some reevaluation here. As for school, be careful you are truly helping & encouraging him, and not berating & nagging. I thought I was helping my late partner to deal with his drinking & smoking issues, until he yelled at me: "You don't help me, you just nag me!" I considered that, and realized there is a difference.

    There is support, and there is criticism. Perhaps schooling intimidates him right now. Or maybe he's better cut out for a non-professional career. Also be careful about playing Pygmalion with him.
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    Feb 22, 2011 9:20 PM GMT
    Sounds like he may be depressed. This is the time to be with him, when he really needs you. Be a man and a loving boyfriend and comfort him. Seek professional help, if necessary. Why would you feel differently toward him now? I don't, and won't, judge you, but I would think that your feelings for him would be a little stronger than that since you've been together for 2 years.
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    Feb 22, 2011 11:44 PM GMT
    5ebastian saidMaybe he should seek some professional help. Im not a therapist but it sounds like he needs to ask for help himself. Best of luck.
    Yep, I think this is the best idea. Sounds like he has a lot of pent up frustration and some unresolved issues that a therapist could really help him deal with.

    In actuality, it seems as though you're the one he trusted enough to open up on. May have felt like a lot of drama to you but he's probably had this bottled up inside forever.

    Hope you can work through it. That's what relationships are all about. If you love him at all, these are the tough times where you have to make some very difficult decisions. I hope it's a decision to help him and not just leave him.

    Good luck.
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    Feb 23, 2011 1:33 AM GMT
    Get that bitch to a shirink! ROFL

    Seriously, I would be scared too if I were you! It's not your job to "fix" him.

    Slap him hard and say pull yourself next time he pull some tantrum like that. icon_lol.gif
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Feb 23, 2011 5:42 AM GMT
    That is a tough one my dear Import! although I certainly know where you are coming from and even how you are feeling right now! my ex and I had a wonderful first eight months of a one year relationship. But no sooner after being turned down countless times on job interviews, that one day he snapped and started yelling, screaming, kicking the walls, and crying hysterically. Believe me witnessing that kind of rage by someone you love it is a really scary feeling, especially for those of us who have lived through it.

    I congratulate you thou for remaining calm, you did the right thing sweetie. Sometimes the best thing to do in a situation like that is to just say nothing, do nothing, stand back, and just allow the person to let off some steam. In my situation thou my ex's emotional ups and downs got so much out of control, that at the end I was left with no desire to help him cope, mainly because I became emotionally exhausted from trying to comfort him, and also frustrated from not being able to get him to understand.

    There were times that he tried to get me upset, some people are emotional vampires if you must know!! the sad thing is that some may not even know it? I have tons of patience with people and even in stressful situations, but there is so much you can take, you know! I remember towards the end of our relationship the only thing I was able to enjoy and do was to just spend a lot of quite times with him, and I think he got the message, and so one day after a nice dinner he called me the next day over the phone and told me that he needed some time alone to figure out what to do with his life, and wouldn't you know I never heard from him since. I was relieved like you wouldn't believe!! I don't know about you but I have developed no tolerance for a grown man who gets all psycho on me! good luck sweetie, I hope things turn out for the best between the two of you.


    Leandro ♥
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    Feb 23, 2011 5:52 AM GMT
    That's unfortunate but I wouldn't call it drama. I'd call it a relationship and something that is real. You seem to have handled it very nicely by letting him fully express himself. However you ended it pretty poorly by saying "I'm going to bed." Your bf has some issues and something clearly seems to be bothering him.

    If you are in a relationship then you gotta take the good with the bad and when the bad comes you gotta try and help out and make them good to the best of your ability. Support your man and help him out.
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    Feb 23, 2011 6:05 AM GMT
    frenchatheart saidGet that bitch to a shirink! ROFL

    Seriously, I would be scared too if I were you! It's not your job to "fix" him.

    Slap him hard and say pull yourself next time he pull some tantrum like that. icon_lol.gif


    What. the. fuck.

    Ha.
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    Feb 23, 2011 6:37 AM GMT
    heybreaux saidHey, this sounds somewhat like a possible nervous breakdown. I am not diagnosing him, but what you described made me do a double take.

    The crying so much that he could not breathe sounds almost like a panic attack in nature, and the Xanax explains what he might be feeling. Has a chemical imbalance been ruled out?

    I ask this b/c people who struggle with chemical imbalances are often not aware, but with school and work... with all this on their plate could push things to a precipice, so the "you need to get a degree" might be putting a burden on him that (while you didn't know about it) was acting as a further stressor in an already difficult existence.

    If he bought Xanax from the "black market," whatever he is going through, he may not want to deal with, he may also be afraid of his own behavior, but something is definitely going on that is not so good. If he has a job, he probably still has health insurance and mental health coverage? See if you can get him to a doctor or hospital while he still does.

    I had someone close to me as a child go through a mental breakdown of sorts which included psychiatrists explained were "psychotic episodes"

    I don't mean to scare you, but I was almost murdered in one of these episodes, by, ironically, one of the kindest people I know--he had a chemical imbalance. By the way, he is perfectly healthy today because he got help.

    There are a variety of things it could be, but you get the idea. The Xanax from the black market, the volitile behavior, the rambling, and your self- described "scary and strange" behavior seems to me like this is organic brain chemistry gone awry as opposed to just a one-off temper tantrum. He's in pain, and might be sick. Help him to get help if any of this I say rings a bell.

    It just sounds like he needs further help, and please don't write him off, mental illness (if it is that) can be treated.

    Now if he is just a complete brat, you know what to do.


    "Chemical imbalances" are a myth, just like the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Santa, and the Queen of England. icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Feb 23, 2011 7:27 AM GMT
    5ebastian saidYeah, hate to burst your bubble.

    There is no scientific evidence that supports your "thesis".

    icon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gif

    http://thehealthyskeptic.org/the-chemical-imbalance-myth


    Chemical imbalances are most certainly not a myth. While Dr. Valenstein may not agree with direct-to-consumer advertising and big Pharma, he cannot refute the thousands of case-controlled studies and randomized clinical trials that show improved psychiatric benefit of psychotropic medicines. The Healthy Skeptic link reminded me of this exchange between Tom Cruise and Matt Lauer on the Today Show:

  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Feb 23, 2011 8:05 AM GMT
    The guy has been harboring his issues for a very long time. The fact that you two have been dating for 2 years and this finally comes out, without any prodding on your part, means that he was finally comfortable revealing all his insecurities and vulnerabilities with you.

    Although it wasn't fair to you for him to dump all his emotions on you in a 2-hour rant, if you can see past that and are willing to help him through it all, then the two of you are well on your way to happily ever after. But note that I am not saying that this will be easy.
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    Feb 23, 2011 10:52 AM GMT
    My impression from reading the first post in the thread is that the guy might have been having a breakdown of some sort. You've been there with him for two years, so there must be some qualities about him that have led you to stick with him this long, right? I'd encourage you to try to do what you can to help him - maybe try to get him to see a counselor.

    Hoping for the best for you.
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    Feb 23, 2011 12:42 PM GMT
    You said 'I am going to bed'? Just wow...

    I am an emotional rollercoaster, I know it, my BF totally knows it, hey I am a pisces, they are an emotional wreck lol.

    What you should have done, and a tip to everyone, is that you should have went up to him and hold him without saying a word, force yourself on him even if he push you away and it is kinda scary. Hold him tight without saying a word for a long while, untill he calms down and stopped crying. Then you can talk.

    If you see you bf crying does that not trigger anything in you except the word 'drama'? Like you want to be there for him etc?
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    Feb 23, 2011 1:19 PM GMT
    hotboy07 saidYou said 'I am going to bed'? Just wow...

    I am an emotional rollercoaster, I know it, my BF totally knows it, hey I am a pisces, they are an emotional wreck lol.

    What you should have done, and a tip to everyone, is that you should have went up to him and hold him without saying a word, force yourself on him even if he push you away and it is kinda scary. Hold him tight without saying a word for a long while, untill he calms down and is stopped crying. Then you can talk.

    If you see you bf crying does that not trigger anything in you except the word 'drama'? Like you want to be there for him etc?



    Smart boy. That approach may not work, but it is totally worth a try... because if it does work, well, no more drama and you two will actually be closer rather than more distant like you are now.

  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 23, 2011 1:39 PM GMT
    Sounds like you guys didn't have much communication... he had built up all this
    emotion and you weren't receptive. Doesn't sound very positive to me.... at all.

    You need to be more empathetic and really listen to him (it sounds like you didn't care much what his situation has been). Yes, screaming (if he was) isn't helpful either.

    I would have calmly encouraged him to relax, that I was listening and I would have
    had a real conversation with him. If he refused, I would have told him we could talk when he was ready to do so.... not scream.
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    Feb 23, 2011 1:46 PM GMT
    If you really care about him, it's about that time to give him a good stern hug (as someone above suggested) and hold his hand while you DISCUSS the matters at hand.

    However, your initial reaction reveals that the shock of his outburst and revelations might be more than you can bear and suggests you might not be that into him.

    He likely needs to serious support and you'll have to assess yourself as to whether or not you are able and or willing to provide that support.
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    Feb 23, 2011 2:42 PM GMT
    5ebastian said
    heybreaux said
    5ebastian saidYeah, hate to burst your bubble.

    There is no scientific evidence that supports your "thesis".

    icon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gif

    http://thehealthyskeptic.org/the-chemical-imbalance-myth


    Well, first of all, it is not my particular "thesis," it is pretty common practice in medicine and by the psychological profession, so yeah, you can say Pfizer is out to get people for profit if you want, but if you honestly think that someone with bi polar disorder who is having psychotic episodes (which is a possibility) can be treated with CBT and exercise only, you are mistaken.

    Depression is primarily what your scientist is referring to, and I will agree that antidepressants are in fact overprescribed for depression, but in some cases they do make a life of difference. Sometimes it is better to be somewhat right than dead wrong, especially when there are bigger and more erractic behaviors going on, which is why I had enough concern to write.

    But yeah, using your strict logic, everything is probably a myth, just about everything. I look forward to the next professor you can find to debunk all of life's mysteries icon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gif



    Uhh... what?

    Here are some of your peers that debunk your chemical imbalance THEORY (because thats what it is a THEORY).

    Recommended resources
    Blaming the Brain, by Elliot Valenstein Ph.D.
    Rethinking Psychiatric Drugs, by Grace Jackson M.D.
    America Fooled: The truth about antidepressants, antipsychotics and how we’ve been deceived, by Timothy Scott Ph.D.
    The Loss of Sadness, by Alan Horwitz and Jerome Wakefield
    The Myth of the Chemical Cure, by Joanna Moncrieff

    Did you even read the article? OK let me reiterate.


    Science is based on testable hypothesis whereas psychiatry does NOT fall in the same realm. Your professors should've taught you that. All of a sudden you are "diagnosing" this person as having bipolar disorder even though you've never met him in person. What a shocker. So what makes someone bipolar? What is your empirical test to determine bipolar disorder? Is there a blood test that you conduct? or a MRI? X-Ray? .... right....

    It is, after all, a neat theory. It takes a complex and heterogeneous condition (depression) and boils it down to a simple imbalance of two to three neurotransmitters (out of more than 100 that have been identified), which, as it happens, can be “corrected” by long-term drug treatment. This clear and easy-to-follow theory is the driving force behind the $12 billion worth of antidepressant drugs sold each year.

    However, there is one (rather large) problem with this theory: there is absolutely no evidence to support it. Recent reviews of the research have demonstrated no link between depression, or any other mental disorder, and an imbalance of chemicals in the brain (Lacasse & Leo, 2005; (Valenstein, 199icon_cool.gif.

    The fatal flaws of “chemical imbalance” theory
    As Elliot Valenstein Ph.D., Professor Emeritus of psychology and neuroscience at Michigan University, points out in his seminal book Blaming the Brain, “Contrary to what is often claimed, no biochemical, anatomical or functional signs have been found that reliably distinguish the brains of mental patients.” (p. 125)

    In his book, Valenstein clearly and systematically dismantles the chemical imbalance theory:

    -Reducing levels of norepinephrine, serotonin and dopamine does not actually produce depression in humans, even though it appeared to do so in animals.

    -The theory cannot explain why there are drugs that alleviate depression despite the fact that they have little or no effect on either serotonin or norepinephrine.

    -Drugs that raise serotonin and norepinephrine levels, such as amphetamine and cocaine, do not alleviate depression.

    -No one has explained why it takes a relatively long time before antidepressant drugs produce any elevation of mood. Antidepressants produce their maximum elevation of serotonin and norepinephrine in only a day or two, but it often takes several weeks before any improvement in mood occurs.

    -Although some depressed patients have low levels of serotonin and norepinephrine, the majority do not. Estimates vary, but a reasonable average from several studies indicates that only about 25 percent of depressed patients actually have low levels of these metabolites.

    -Some depressed patients actually have abnormally high levels of serotonin and norepinephrine, and some patients with no history of depression at all have low levels of these amines.

    -Although there have been claims that depression may be caused by excessive levels of monoamine oxydase (the enzyme that breaks down serotonin and norepinephrine), this is only true in some depressed patients and not in others.
    Antidepressants produce a number of different effects other than increasing norepinephrine and serotonin activity that have not been accounted for when considering their activity on depression.

    -Another problem is that it is not now possible to measure serotonin and norepinephrine in the brains of patients. Estimates of brain neurotransmitters can only be inferred by measuring the biogenic amine breakdown products (metabolites) in the urine and cerebrospinal fluid. The assumption underlying this measurement is that the level of biogenic amine metabolites in the urine and cerebrospinal fluid reflects the amount of neurotransmitters in the brain. However, less than one-half of the serotonin and norepinephrine metabolites in the urine or cerebrospinal fluid come from the brain. The other half come from various organs in the body. Thus, there are serious problems with what is actually being measured.

    Finally, there is not a single peer-reviewed article that can be accurately cited to support claims of serotonin deficiency in any mental disorder, while there are many articles that present counterevidence. Furthermore, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) does not list serotonin as the cause of any mental disorder. The American Psychiatric Press Textbook of Clinical Psychiatry addresses serotonin deficiency as an unconfirmed hypothesis, stating “Additional experience has not confirmed the monoamine depletion hypothesis” (Lacasse & Leo, 2005).

    When all of this evidence is taken in full, it should be abundantly clear that depression is not caused by a chemical imbalance.

    You can keep rolling your eyes all you want, the only thing you convinced me is that you are suffering from a mental illness.


    Is this the right thread for an anti-psychiatry rant? Are there Scientologists among us?
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    Feb 23, 2011 4:28 PM GMT
    [i]"but he did recently buy some xanex off the black market"[/i]


    WTF!



    Your general practitioner can prescribe something.

    Zoloft 50mg.
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    Feb 23, 2011 5:19 PM GMT
    Your BF sounds like me, and you sound like my BF.

    I hold my shit together 99.99% of the time. Once in a blue moon I blow the doors off and vent. It comes from being Italian and Middle Eastern. I find it cathartic, but I feel sorry for anybody who is in the vicinity when it happens.

    My BF (English and German) responds very much as you do. He watches uncomfortably and has no idea how to respond. I'm hoping to locate a camp I can send him to, where they will teach him that being supportive does not mean providing an immediate answer to what I'm putting out there at that moment, nor does watching me like a patron in a zoo. I hope they teach that talking to me from a position of judgment does NOT make me like you better... it makes me feel like I'm getting talked down to by my dad (who doesn't actually do that). I also hope they offer courses on present-buying, cooking, and cleaning up after yourself. If I find the Boyfriend Camp I will send the brochure to all interested parties.

    it sounds to me like your BF was reaching out for comfort and reassurance, albeit by crying and babbling, and you responded by shutting down. How is it that you are together two years and you don't know his family background? What do you guys talk about normally? You say you see him differently now, I venture to say the same is true for him, too.

    I get immediately concerned when I hear people are buying things like Xanax (at least you HOPE its Xanax) on the black market. I guess I'm a goody-goody (okay I KNOW I'm a goody-goody) but I can't imagine taking a chance like that. It sounds like your BF is trying to cope with his demons in a less-than-healthy way. I'd be wanting to know what that was about.

    I have a very guarded attitude towards medication in general, and it makes me nuts that people are encouraged via advertising to self-diagnose and tell their doctor what they need vs. the other way around ). I fully acknowledge this attitude comes from a position of complete ignorance.

    But there's a difference between mental illness brought on by physiological factors and response to past or current emotional stress. I don't think the latter should be treated with medication; it should be talked through and possibly result in changes to the environment, including (possibly) work or living situation.