Why am I getting dicked around by guys so much?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2011 6:25 AM GMT
    I've been trying to not be so shy lately and talk and meet some guys online. Every guy I talk to leads me on and then in the end says oh they "changed their minds" or say they want to hangout then never respond back, or come up with dumb excuse... I wouldn't consider myself a bad looking guy (I'll unlock my private pics. if u want to see). So why do you think guys are being such dicks? Ever happen to you?
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    Feb 24, 2011 11:29 AM GMT
    Yes. It probably almost happens to everyone. They are guys, what can you expect? They say women don't know what they want. Same is true for some guys. To find the good ones is like finding the needle in the haystack sometimes. But don't worry, they will come. icon_biggrin.gif
  • omgazn

    Posts: 342

    Feb 24, 2011 11:37 AM GMT
    I believe that is just normal human uncertainty. I just keep looking at my friends for inspiration on true love where people actually share a passionate love for one another then just sex.
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    Feb 24, 2011 11:45 AM GMT
    I think the word in our world for that is "flakes". And there is shit ton of those. That does not mean you're not good enough. Maybe is just not right people coming around. icon_smile.gif

    Patience. Patience pays good sometimes.
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    Feb 24, 2011 12:48 PM GMT
    FunCollegeDude saidI've been trying to not be so shy lately and talk and meet some guys online. Every guy I talk to leads me on and then in the end says oh they "changed their minds" or say they want to hangout then never respond back, or come up with dumb excuse... I wouldn't consider myself a bad looking guy (I'll unlock my private pics. if u want to see). So why do you think guys are being such dicks? Ever happen to you?


    Dunno.

    Yep.
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    Feb 24, 2011 1:06 PM GMT
    FunCollegeDude saidSo why do you think guys are being such dicks? Ever happen to you?

    Actually, no, never has. But not because I'm anything special, far from it. But rather because THEY are. Here's how:

    Being much older, and preferring guys my own age, I think this is as much a matter of the maturity & responsibility that naturally comes with age, as it is about being gay. I know, I know, I run the risk of getting beat up here again regarding my comments about young guys, but I can't help but observe.

    Not every young gay guy, obviously. But enough that you may be fighting the odds with them. And maybe that's one of the reasons a fair number of young gays seek older guys. Not for their money, perhaps, but for their maturity & stability. They've found their own age group includes too many unreliable flakes, as you've run into.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 24, 2011 1:19 PM GMT
    Well my situation isn't typical because I was involved with my partner before I ever was out. I've never been "single" or "available" per se in that way, but I can say I have had a guy or two blow me off for lunch or the like. In the case of one, it was because I told him I had no intention of "putting out",
    this after we had several really decent conversations. I just assumed he
    was just appeasing me and really had a sexual intent.

    It is going to happen occasionally. I would do my best to identify those who have promise at the very beginning... and don't put yourself in a position where you can be "dicked" right from the beginning. Good luck, I know it can be a pain.
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    Feb 24, 2011 3:33 PM GMT
    FunCollegeDude saidI've been trying to not be so shy lately and talk and meet some guys online.


    This is a big part of your problem. The Internet just encourages flakiness, because you're not a real, live, three-dimensional person to the guys you "meet". You're just a profile.

    Another thing... I realize it's hard living in a small town and not being secure enough to come out of the closet. Unfortunately, the odds of meeting decent guys while you're in the closet are FAR lower than if you came out and started meeting guys in person, whether through sports groups, charity projects, college classes, friends, etc.
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    Feb 24, 2011 5:49 PM GMT
    I must admit that I'm one of those people who sometimes don't follow through. And there are several reasons why this happens. For example, I got distracted; I lost interest when I started talking to the guy because I realized we had nothing in common; I became busy with other things (such as a project, work, etc.); I got tired of the back-and-forth/got bored; my cat died (I hate cats); my motorcyle was stolen (I don't have one); my cousin from Falluja surpised me with a visit (all my cousins are in the U.S. and Europe); etc., etc., etc. I'm not a flake or a gamer, and neither am I fickle or a dickhead, but shit does happen sometimes. What I DO NOT do is lead people on or string them along. If you're not going to hear back from me, you will know it. I do think that it's rude not to be upfront with the other guy. Least you can do if you're going to "flake" is telegraph your intention without any ambiguity.
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    Feb 24, 2011 6:17 PM GMT
    Is this happening to you online or this happening to you in real life? If it's happening to you online then I wouldn't put too much stock into it. When online, people develop some serious complexes and usually tend to have a completely different persona. You are just a profile and not many people take it seriously. Happens to us all til those who are serious step up their game and make "online fantasy" into a reality (i.e actually meeting). Don't take it personally and just move on. If' it's happening to you in real life then that's when you should pause for concern.

    Here's the upfront and honest truth if it's in real life. Either the problem is you or the problem is them. No offense, but often times the finger is gonna point towards you. Maybe there is something about you that makes them not wanna follow through with meeting up or pursuing you. I don't wanna sound mean but if you're giving off some weird vibes people are gonna notice it. If you don't feel confident or insecure then that might hinder you. If you aren't out and just look shady then that will go against you as well along with the whole physical preference most gays seek in others. There is the off chance that you are perfectly sane and legit and those that you have dealt with are just losers, flakes and game players with nothing else better to do then just to make things difficult for you. However, if this is a constant thing that is occurring on a daily basis then you might wanna consider the problem being you and look in to that.

    It does get better. If you are in a small town then I say it's time to branch out and move. Getting a little face time and doing a little self advertising doesn't hurt either. You can do that by being active and involving yourself in sports, meets, book clubs or your local LGBT community. You have options if you are willing to go through it yourself which is half the battle won. don't leave it up to others to decide how things are gonna turn out. Complaining that no one is meeting you does nothing for you if you aren't giving them a reason to wanna meet you.

    Best of Luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2011 8:28 PM GMT
    It's simple: Guys want what they think they can't have. As soon as they figure out that they can "have" you, they're over it.
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    Feb 24, 2011 8:51 PM GMT
    Haha- you praised yourself without seeming like one of those "douche-y" guys.

    Now, this is most definitely not a bad looking guy:
    johnwahlberg001.jpg


    I hate the Czech Republic.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2011 8:51 PM GMT
    because all humans are inherently selfish. Guys who do that to you are stereotypically looking after themselves. It's actually a problem with them and not you. Sucks but it's true. The sooner you accept that the sooner dealing with them becomes easier.
    Sorry to sound like a debbie downer by the way but I'm just being realistic.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2011 9:10 PM GMT
    Welcome to online game playing, most of us are mature enough not to play games but there are the sad guys on here and other sites that games is all they know how to do....slowly they will get weeded out and end up alone.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2011 9:29 PM GMT
    Maybe the problem is that your pics are hidden.

    Perhaps you've chatted to some guys, and it went pretty cool, and I mean, your nick "FunCollegeDude" can make some guys picture you as a hot college stud, upping their expectations, and after seeing your pics, become dissapointed...

    Whether you're a stud or not doesn't matter - try opening up your pics, then maybe some guys that are interested will talk to you. Yeah, then it might seem like they're only interested in your body, but... they can be both interested in your looks and be great to chat with as well.
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    Feb 24, 2011 9:33 PM GMT
    Simon78928 saidWelcome to online game playing, most of us are mature enough not to play games but there are the sad guys on here and other sites that games is all they know how to do....slowly they will get weeded out and end up alone.


    Are you daft? Since they won't meet anyone their proportion of the guys online will increase. Basic biology. Or basic counting depending on your view.

    Anyway, until you've spent some facetime with a person they are likely not to percieve you as a real person. Question for everyone: Does cam chat cut down on the number of flakes you meet? (or don't meet since that's the problem here)
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Feb 24, 2011 9:56 PM GMT
    Yes, this has happened to me before. It's how things work sometimes when you put yourself out there.

    It works both ways, though, and just because a guy isn't interested in you doesn't make him a dick.

    When I make a connection with a guy online or in person, usually a date ensues. Sometimes there's a spark, sometimes there isn't. If there isn't, I'm politely honest about it. That might mean some disappointment for the other guy, but it's sincere. Does that make me a dick? Sometimes there will be two or three more dates before I know whether or not to continue. I'm always direct (in a kind way), but that still doesn't mitigate someone's disappointment. Does that also fall under getting "dicked over"?

    I think it's all in the approach, and whether the other guy is treating you with respect. He may not want to sleep with you, or hang out with you, or see you again, but until a deep connection has been established, he owes you nothing else but basic respect and honesty.

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    Feb 24, 2011 10:08 PM GMT
    A1BOT saidHaha- you praised yourself without seeming like one of those "douche-y" guys.

    Now, this is most definitely not a bad looking guy:
    johnwahlberg001.jpg


    I hate the Czech Republic.


    holy crap.. that looks SO MUCH like a good friend of mine and he's gay too lmao! im gonna forward this to him, total carbon copy xept for a few minor things icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 24, 2011 11:46 PM GMT
    Hate to say it, but it's all about what you got to offer.......icon_idea.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 25, 2011 12:19 AM GMT
    FunCollegeDude saidI've been trying to not be so shy lately and talk and meet some guys online.


    STOP. Found your problem...

  • Feb 25, 2011 12:37 AM GMT
    Some great responses in this topic. I'd be shocked if most guys here hadn't been dicked around at some point or another. Your biggest problem (assuming you're chill, hot, clean, etc.) is that you live in a small town. I live in the LA area, have a million guys to talk to, and can't remember the last time I met a genuine, chill, hot guy that wanted something more than a quick "NSA" fuck.

    Getting dicked around is just part of the online 'scene'. It's great because you can maintain your privacy (for the most part), but the down-side is that you have to deal with a lot of flakes, BS, etc. If you don't plan on being 'out' anytime soon, you're just going to have to develop thicker skin and try not to take it too personally (it's taken me about 10 years to do that--so it could take you a while...it ain't easy! lol). Good luck, bro!
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    Feb 25, 2011 1:00 AM GMT
    Metamorphosis said
    holy crap.. that looks SO MUCH like a good friend of mine and he's gay too lmao! im gonna forward this to him, total carbon copy xept for a few minor things icon_lol.gif

    icon_evil.gificon_mad.gif
    One more person to hate. ARGH!
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    Feb 25, 2011 1:20 AM GMT
    FunCollegeDude saidI've been trying to not be so shy lately and talk and meet some guys online. Every guy I talk to leads me on and then in the end says oh they "changed their minds" or say they want to hangout then never respond back, or come up with dumb excuse... I wouldn't consider myself a bad looking guy (I'll unlock my private pics. if u want to see). So why do you think guys are being such dicks? Ever happen to you?


    I've been lead on before; it's not nice. I think you just have to keep on looking, obviously the guys you have messaged aren't ready for relationships. They may just want to be friends....or not even that. I've been ignored by quite a few guys on here, I used to get fustrated when they were so rude that they wouldn't bother to even respond, but I guess those that don't reply aren't meant to be.

    Don't worry, there are certainly some nice guys out there...even on the internet! icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 25, 2011 1:47 AM GMT
    Yum, dicked around! Oh, you mean dicked as in "the dude's a dick" not "the dude has a dick.". Nevermind I'd be pissed too... Hahaha, pissed.
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    Feb 25, 2011 2:04 AM GMT
    I've had it happen in the past. But then, I live in Los Angeles - the land of superficiality. Just stand anywhere in the area, close your eyes and throw a rock in any direction. You'll hit one of the following:

    1. An aspiring actor or model who is in the closet and who you're got good enough for, no matter how hot you are, but the frumpy, dumpy, flaming hob-goblin he's making out with is (I've seen this on many occasions, just go hang out at The Abby for a few months if you don't believe me).
    2. A married man, who wants secret hook-ups with somebody hotter than you are, even if you're hotter than he is. He will likely also want dangerous sex and 9 out of 10 want to be dominated.
    3. A hot and handsome professional escort or stripper who will do anything as long as you pay the high fee.

    And, I dare say, they'd all deserve to be hit by the rock (although I don't recommend actually doing that).

    I've gotten to a point where I expect capriciousness as a common characteristic, so I just don't bother trying to meet guys in L.A. anymore, especially on line. I've been told it's like that in all major cities, so there's no sense bothering to move.

    I'm not a bar hopper and I don't belong to any dating services or meet-n-greet social clubs. I gave up on them over a decade ago.

    If someone in my area wanted to meet me from on-line (which never really happens), I'm not sure how I would respond. I guess it would depend on how much of my time could potentially be wasted.

    I'd say, just don't let it get you down (even though, to read this, it may seem like I have). Being single isn't bad. At least you live with someone you know you're safe with (I would hope so anyway).