Going to a gay or straight AA meeting while suppressing sexual confrontation...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 25, 2011 4:26 AM GMT
    I just moved to AA capitol of the world (Costa Mesa, CA) and started attending a gay meeting along with all the straight meetings we have out here but I have been doing something I suppose I shouldn't do and that is avoid choosing a sponsor...

    I am so afraid of being rejected that I want to deny sexual interest ENTIRELY!!! But, it seems no matter which way I go, I am going to be rejected because my feelings involve no boundaries (I hope that doesn't sound slutty). I NEED these freaking meetings though or else I am surely going to die.

    When I feel love well, it takes me to sexual interest (always has) and that means trying to act them out in ways that really mean "acting" rather than just being myself. I also have a HUGE mark against me anyways because I am HIV positive so what I do is play straight for the gay guys and play the sinner for straight guys. The Truth is I cannot find forgiveness for my innermost self no matter what I do.

    Are there any others that are trapped in a life of guilt and anger because it seems you were given the worst set of cards to play with? The freedom I long for is to be clean and unafraid to confess the worst sides of me (sex being one of those sides). Obviously you can tell I have never even been in a relationship but, AA leaves me no choice but, to sacrifice all that I am.

    Does anyone relate to completely abandoning yourself to God in the program? Why did God/Life allow me to even discover these things if they seem worse than weapons to potential relationship material that I know will back off because they either are not interested or homophobic? And for me, I am just as confused about love as I always have been.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 25, 2011 4:36 AM GMT
    Stuart's back.

    Hmmm. "Ignore His Posts"
    Click!

    Ahhhh!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 25, 2011 5:10 AM GMT
    GAMRican saidStuart's back.

    Hmmm. "Ignore His Posts"
    Click!

    Ahhhh!


    I could really use the help from someone on topic... Thank you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 25, 2011 1:50 PM GMT
    As long as you think sex is a bad thing, you will continue to be confused and pissed at yourself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 25, 2011 10:13 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidAs long as you think sex is a bad thing, you will continue to be confused and pissed at yourself.


    Thanks for the insight.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 26, 2011 3:09 AM GMT
    If you have spent any time in the AA program, you know that the foundation is build on honesty. You have to be honest with yourself and others in every aspect of your life (sex is a small part unless you are a porn star) or you will drink or use again. Simple as that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Feb 26, 2011 4:28 AM GMT
    I go to a twelve step meeting across the street at the largest contemporary Christian Church in Orange County, Ca. I went tonight and out of about four books they were selling I chose one by David Zailer called When Lost Men Come Home, A Journey To Sexual Integrity. I just feel it, this book is going to provide me the answers. Thanks ya all! Thank you very much!

    WOW... One of the endorsements reads: David Zailer goes beyond recovery to keys to revitalize your spiritual vitality. This book is a great plan to get your life back if it has been stolen by the cheap thrills of sexual and moral compromise. - Stephen Arterburn, Founder of New Life Ministries

    There's a BUNCH more endorsements too!!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 05, 2011 2:09 PM GMT
    Hi Stuart,

    Im new here, but want to give you my gut instinct on what comes across.

    The one you are angry at is yourself, it seems. I am also a christian and do think there are boundaries to the way we shoulod behave as people.. I dont always do that very well. But your sexuality and your orientation is not a punishment or a curse from God.

    I totally understand that feeling about not fitting in. Whether people on here care to admit it or not- this forum wouldnt exist unless people needed a safe place to chat etc. Its not like other sites. Theres a degree of REALLNESS here.

    That said, the fact that youre HIV positive is neither here nor there. many gay and straight men are, and my experience in london is that in general, no one cares about it. people have relationships with POZ guys all the time.

    Your status is NOT a punishment from God, nor is it a stigma. It is simply a product of a consequence of an action you took. many people have undeservedly contracted it- some have done it stupidly. But no one is to judge.

    Your sexual desires are HUMAN, theyre normal. But the way you choose to act on them is the clincher.

    Being a christian, i found MANY guys in church were so sexually repressed and couldnt even talk abouyt sex, orgasms, penises, etc etc.. God alone knows how they cope if married. I think theyre brought up to think sex is dirty. One even told me he doesnt talk about sex cos "sex is sacred". Puh-leeeze.

    Paul is totally right, and I would also be slightly careful about the books you are given to read. They will say only being straight is the legit way to be.. and may add a layer of shame to you. You are gay- thats the way it is. these groups are valuable but do NOT allow anyone to make you feel excluded or like you are a leper there.. it will only aggravate the negative feelings you have already.

    If they are going to be homophobic mate, it will NOT help your recovery at all...your need to connect is masquerading as sexual interest.. and maybe at time.. you are sexually attarcted to the guys. Be YOURSELF. If you play games and act, you will not get recovery. I came from an abuse background and learnt that honesty was essential or I would destroy myself. hence everyone thinks Im soooooooo intense, but being honest is a lot more valuable than lying.

    Admit your attractions , but also admit that an AA meeting is NOT an apporpriate place to act on them. if that doesnt help, LEAVE the straight AA meeting. Why torture yourself?????

    Blake