Why having a friend with benefits suck!

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    Feb 25, 2011 10:32 PM GMT
    So I have had a friend with benefits for a while and he is bisexual. We have been meeting up for the past 7 months now. He is a masculine country guy and he's pretty cute.

    I dunno but I think I might have developed an attraction for him beyond fwb because I always think about him and I played with the thought of us being in a relationship. Eventually I planned on mentioning to him that I sort of had additional feelings for him.

    Back in September he got into a relationship with a girl and we ended it for a month but after a couple weeks started back again when they broke up... Today only after I texted him he decides to tell me that he is now dating a guy!

    So I'm a little offended. I know that we didn't start off planning to be in a relationship, but I figured that because he was closeted and he said that he felt more comfortable dating girls, he wouldn't think of dating a guy.

    So this is where I need help. Should I cut him off indefinately rather than wait for him to come out of the relationship? I feel spiteful, a little jealous, and upset that he had no problem sleeping with me but had felt nothing more. I just don't know what to do...I mean it took a text
    from me before he could even tell me...that's a little pathetic! What should I do?

    Thanks
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    Feb 25, 2011 10:47 PM GMT
    Dude, this reads like a one sided relationship? He's totally unaware of anything you're feeling. Not to mention initially your relationship started where both parties understood the intent, which was fwb, somewhere, somehow you changed.
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    Feb 25, 2011 10:55 PM GMT
    This is always an issue with FB/FWB situations. Inevitably, one of the guys starts developing deeper feelings for the other. That pisses me off because it makes the whole thing very complicated. Why can't gay guys just have fun, enjoy the moment, and practice emotional self-restraint? Not everyone wants to fall in love or be in a relationship--that's the raison d'etre of FWB/FB arrangements, i.e., you fuck without any emotional attachment or expectations of anything more, and then you return to your respective lives. I know it sounds cold and cruel, but it is what it is.
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    Feb 25, 2011 11:00 PM GMT
    I live by the rule if you love something let it go. If it comes back it is yours and if it doesn't it never was...
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    Feb 25, 2011 11:30 PM GMT
    kentstrongtommy saidand wow ur 22! u totally look like a hot 40 yo man! (wich is a BIG +).
    eeehhhh don't worry,,,, u can have juuust that man u want. just be serious, open, honest and all good guys will be arround you.


    Nothing gets a gay man hotter than being told he looks 18 years oldder than he actually is.
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    Feb 25, 2011 11:37 PM GMT
    kentstrongtommy saidand wow ur 22! u totally look like a hot 40 yo man! (wich is a BIG +).
    eeehhhh don't worry,,,, u can have juuust that man u want. just be serious, open, honest and all good guys will be arround you.
    lol ur kidding right?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 25, 2011 11:43 PM GMT
    Same ole story different names.
    Live and learn and move on.
    Sounds like you helped him understand who he is and what he wants; totally sucks, it's not you...a lot of us have been there.
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    Feb 27, 2011 4:24 AM GMT
    vodka1.jpg
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    Aug 19, 2011 4:11 PM GMT
    I feel for you. I had the exact same thing happen. With my buddy, we spent 5 years becoming best friends. Then he got a girlfriend. What makes it worse is that I now have to spend time with his new girlfriend as well as him. Everywhere he goes, she has to go. I am stuck between spiteful and jealous. But, there is nothing you can do. You either keep him as a friend or completely let him go.
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    Aug 19, 2011 4:13 PM GMT
    Did you tell him how you felt about the whole thing?
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    Aug 19, 2011 4:16 PM GMT
    FWB never works out. One person always gets stronger feelings/attachments etc... yadayadayada.... this is the same storyline over and over again. It's even in the movies nowadays!

    If it's not working for you- kick it to the curb. Man up and just be over it and reassure yourself you deserve better. I mean, I understand getting some ass is important, but is it important enough that it's driving you crazy?

    Find some other brotha to do the job right and move on.
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    Aug 19, 2011 4:21 PM GMT
    Whenever I've had FB's in the past, I only pick guys that I know I'm never going to fall for. There has to something irritating about their personality or I'm only physically attracted to them in a "last call" sort of way. I even had one who I couln't stand to even be in the same room with unless we were naked. It kinda takes the "buddy" part out of fuck buddy. But I always say, I'm not fucking their personalities.
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    Aug 19, 2011 4:21 PM GMT
    Nspyerf8 saidDid you tell him how you felt about the whole thing?


    ^ Exactly... This is what you need to do or your feelings will eat you up..
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    Aug 19, 2011 4:37 PM GMT
    The_Guerrilla_Sodomite saidWhenever I've had FB's in the past, I only pick guys that I know I'm never going to fall for. There has to something irritating about their personality or I'm only physically attracted to them in a "last call" sort of way. I even had one who I couln't stand to even be in the same room with unless we were naked. It kinda takes the "buddy" part out of fuck buddy. But I always say, I'm not fucking their personalities.


    Wisest advice in the thread. If you're ONLY looking for sex, find someone that the ONLY thing you'll want to do with them is FUCK. Otherwise, you'll end up FUCKED UP in the head.
  • cookingitswee...

    Posts: 445

    Aug 19, 2011 5:08 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidThis is always an issue with FB/FWB situations. Inevitably, one of the guys starts developing deeper feelings for the other. That pisses me off because it makes the whole thing very complicated. Why can't gay guys just have fun, enjoy the moment, and practice emotional self-restraint? Not everyone wants to fall in love or be in a relationship--that's the raison d'etre of FWB/FB arrangements, i.e., you fuck without any emotional attachment or expectations of anything more, and then you return to your respective lives. I know it sounds cold and cruel, but it is what it is.


    Not everyone is capable of emotionless sex, I know I'm not.
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    Aug 19, 2011 5:21 PM GMT
    DOMINUS said Why can't gay guys just have fun, enjoy the moment, and practice emotional self-restraint? Not everyone wants to fall in love or be in a relationship


    I know right? What assholes, who wants a person who develops genuine care for you when all you want is to use their hole to ejaculate icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Aug 19, 2011 5:24 PM GMT
    Ariodante said
    DOMINUS said Why can't gay guys just have fun, enjoy the moment, and practice emotional self-restraint? Not everyone wants to fall in love or be in a relationship


    I know right? What assholes, who wants a person who develops genuine care for you when all you want is to use their hole to ejaculate icon_rolleyes.gif


    Quoting this for truth guys, I mean lets be real here. We are men, emotions are for pussies. If I wanted emotions I would date girls. Instead Im just gonna fuck you til Im done, then toss you aside...
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    Aug 19, 2011 5:30 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear this, OP. I guess from now on you'll learn to keep your emotions in check. Plus the dude is bi so you would have the hardest of times to convince him to stay "strictly dickly". Never gonna happen.

    I personally don't see what the problem is. The fun has run it's course and it's pretty much time for you to move on. Your emotions went past the boundaries of just being friends and that's where the your problem began. Your friend didn't seem to have this problem.

    Oh well. Plenty of fish in the sea, OP. Switch up your bait and find something better suited to your taste of an actual relationship instead of a friend with benefits.
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    Aug 19, 2011 5:36 PM GMT
    To the OP, your situation sounds nearly identical to mine which ended a month ago. In my case, I had "the talk" with my FWB after what seemed liked endless game playing (dragging out for a whole year).

    I have since removed him from all my contact lists, so that the temptation is not even there. I'd suggest you cut your losses and do the same thing.

    From now on, no more FWB's for me. I'm clearly not wired for it. Damn emotions get in the way, especially when you start hanging out as real friends.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11819

    Aug 19, 2011 5:52 PM GMT
    You should look up the phrase...."friends with benefits ",in the gay dictionary...then proceed....
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Aug 19, 2011 5:57 PM GMT
    You just need to let him know. Maybe he's thinking that you're only interested in a fwb situation. Also keep in mind that he's using his sexual activities as a way of discovering his bisexuality and getting comfortable with it. Just talk about it with him, but don't pressure him or give him an ultimatum.
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    Aug 19, 2011 5:59 PM GMT
    You play with fire you're going to get BURNED. I understand how it could seem a little below the belt for him to go and 'cheat on you' with another man... but you were just friends with benefits. It drives me nuts (not in the good way) when guys turn around and be like BUT WE WERE FUCKING EACH OTHER...

    Exactly, you were fucking each other, and you got fucked. Done and dusted.


    That said. I've done the FWB thing myself, and as long as you can maintain the mature reality that you're JUST FUCKING, nobody WILL get fucked...

    That's a lot of fucking going on, but isn't that what FWB is all about? icon_question.gificon_idea.gif
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    Aug 19, 2011 6:01 PM GMT
    We can't demonize your bud.

    He was in a FWB situation which means that you both consented to having fun with each other without taking it to that next level.

    Because of that, I find it perfectly understandable that he is dating another guy instead of you. He made a decision to never go there with you. to always have a friend where when things are going tough he can call, meet up and have no expectations fun.

    It seems that it may not have been so wise for you to assume that if he ever got comfortable enough with being bi that he'd choose to date you before someone else.

    Maybe you should take a bit of time re-evaluating your wants and needs because it seems that unlike him, maybe it is harder for you keep emotions out of Long Term sex.


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    Aug 19, 2011 6:01 PM GMT
    Jeandeau saidYou play with fire you're going to get BURNED. I understand how it could seem a little below the belt for him to go and 'cheat on you' with another man... but you were just friends with benefits. It drives me nuts (not in the good way) when guys turn around and be like BUT WE WERE FUCKING EACH OTHER...

    Exactly, you were fucking each other, and you got fucked. Done and dusted.


    That said. I've done the FWB thing myself, and as long as you can maintain the mature reality that you're JUST FUCKING, nobody WILL get fucked...

    That's a lot of fucking going on, but isn't that what FWB is all about? icon_question.gificon_idea.gif


    Best ANSWER EVER.

    OP, it only sucks having friends with benefits when you're the only one who wants to be more than just friends.
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    Aug 19, 2011 6:03 PM GMT
    the rule is once you make someone a FWB.. that's it. Either they stay that way, or leave you for another guy/gal. And most likely while you have a regular FWB, you'll probably never find the "one" since the background noise of fucking someone regularly reduces the chance of a zone of intimacy with a special someone.

    It's a choice and I've been there. Its good to have one, but be careful about the outcome