Am I being stupid?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 25, 2011 11:42 PM GMT
    Long story short....

    Im going through a breakup of a 6 yr relationship, this man was the love of my life. Its been about 5 or 6 weeks since the break up & im still having a hard time.

    I have to make myself get outta bed, cant eat, stomach is tore all to hell & dont really feel like going "out".

    I made myself go out 2 weekends ago with friends. I had a good time but dared anyone to hit on me or anything, turned down a couple of guys.

    Now this weekend the muscle bears are having a huge bear party 2 hours away & all my friends are going. They dont understand why I wont go. Im not going because its in my ex's hometown! So many memories there, I just dont want to be there, anywhere but there!

    My best friend told me im gonna be old by the time I start living my life & no 1 will want me....isnt that nice?

    To be honest the idea of another man touching me right now disgusts me. I dont mind going out dancing every now & then but really could careless about the bar scene. I want to meet guys some way else when im ready that is.

    Am I being to emotional & a pussy. I know I need to get over this & move on, but he was the love of my life. Im sure as hell not going to the city right now where he lives & we had so many memories, I just cant handle that right now.

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    Feb 26, 2011 1:41 AM GMT
    redbull said...

    I have to make myself get outta bed, cant eat, stomach is tore all to hell & dont really feel like going "out".
    ...



    Looks like you're having serious signs of depression. I know, because every now and then I get into the same frame of mind.

    Seek the counsel of a therapist to help sort out the feelings that you're having. Friends can help, but a licensed therapist can ask you the kinds of questions, and give you sound advice that your friends may not be able to.

    There's nothing wrong with what you're feeling, as long as you let it pass and don't dwell.

    I hope that you find your happiness again. And, it doesn't have to be with anybody else. It can be just you.

    Aloha and Be Well!
    Alan
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    Feb 26, 2011 1:45 AM GMT
    Go to the bear party and have fun even if you have to force yourself.. No sense staying home crying in your cornflakes really


    edit: you stay home and be miserable,, gain nothing .
    If you go to the party and there's a 50/50 chance you'll maybe have a good time and be glad you went afterrwards.. nothing ventured nothing gained.
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    Feb 26, 2011 1:51 AM GMT
    beneful1 saidGo to the bear party and have fun even if you have to force yourself.. No sense staying home crying in your cornflakes really


    edit: you stay home and be miserable,, gain nothing .
    If you go to the party and there's a 50/50 chance you'll maybe have a good time and be glad you went afterrwards.. nothing ventured nothing gained.


    YES

    Get the hell out of the house NOW
    So what if it's in his home town. Stop being a wuss.
    It's really not fair to deny all the other men out there your hotness.

    Oh and **HUGS**
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    Feb 26, 2011 1:51 AM GMT
    I'd be hesitant to call struggling to get outta depression just yet so soon after ending the relationship.

    Unless it's something you've experienced before or it's been going on longer then when you and the ex separated.

    Anyway.

    It's called grieving dear, gawd knows when The ex and I parted ways there were days when i'd get in the shower and do nothing but stand there crying until I couldn't breath anymore.. Life or life as I had known it had ended just like that, no easing in to it. It was done and now I had to move on.. But it took me a couple of months and then almost a year to get to where I am now.

    For me it was a little different, I was mentally prepared to leave, I was ready for it to end, I had been for a while so I was able to move on relatively quickly and start getting my life in order.

    I'm thinking you were not quite at the same point as I was and you are still in a painful place for you.

    Your life has changed now. If you wont enjoy going out to a party then don't go out to the party.. right now it's your time... get up, do what needs to be done during the day (ie, work, get food, pay bills) and go home... be where you feel safe and comfortable with your feelings.
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    Feb 26, 2011 3:14 PM GMT

    "Am I being to emotional & a pussy. I know I need to get over this & move on, but he was the love of my life. Im sure as hell not going to the city right now where he lives & we had so many memories, I just cant handle that right now."

    An outside perspective:
    You also have very many of the same kinds of memories in your home where he spent time, and with your family, who he spent time with.

    The town isn't his; it's everyone's, and yours too. If you lived in the same town you'd have to get past this. icon_wink.gif

    That said, don't go unless you feel like it.

    *hug* -Doug
  • mynyun

    Posts: 1346

    Feb 26, 2011 3:32 PM GMT
    I agree with some of the guys here. If you don't feel like going then don't go. But don't be stopped from leaving the house and doing the things you did like doing or need to do. Keep fit, both mentally and physically.
    Small steps. It may take you a long time before you get over him completely but maybe it won't take so long before you 'feel' like getting up and out again.
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    Feb 26, 2011 3:35 PM GMT
    I feel for you man. Been in the same situation. I definately wouldn't go to the party either. I know where you are coming from. Give it some time. You didn't go from being me to we overnight when you met your ex. You can't expect to adjust to being single again so quickly either. It takes a long time to move on. Hang in there.
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Feb 26, 2011 4:17 PM GMT
    Six weeks into being out of something you were in for six years, and you're supposed to just "get over it" that quickly? Maybe some guys could, but I can't.

    Babe, be sad and work it out on YOUR time, not your friends time. It's good that they're there to get you out and push you, but you're perfectly right to push back and say "not yet" if you're truly feeling that you're not ready. For some people six weeks is too long. For some six months isn't enough, and in truth, your time for healing is only protracted if you push yourself when you're genuinely not ready.

    Listen to Tanker, there's good counsel there. MIL are right, it isn't 'his' town, but for now it's colored that way for you, and once it fades and time has washed away the tint of things that can't hurt you anymore, you'll be ready. And it's entirely possible that it's somebody else's town, too, someone who you'll love more deeply than your ex.

    Take time to heal, but not so long that you're wallowing (keep those friends close). Be mindful of your heart in order to prepare it for someone more deserving of you, and he'll show up, all in good time.

    xo
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    Feb 26, 2011 4:38 PM GMT
    I'm real sorry to hear about what has happened. I went through it myself, when my bf broke up with me in 2004. I couldn't work, couldn't eat. Nothing was right, and there was no meaning to life. It was depression alright. Didn't help that my dad passed away suddenly after that. I really reached a point that I felt that I needed drastic changes in life to move on. Almost quit my job, but ended up accepting a posting to Shanghai, China.

    I think we all need time to heal. Don't go to the party if you don't feel like it, but also remember that that is not his city. You have a place in it too, and have every right to be there and to enjoy yourself (when you are ready of cause).

    I am not sure if you have friends out there who are not just the party-type, but those who will really offer a shoulder to cry on and skip a party to be there for you. If you have some, go talk to them and hang out.

    When I got depressed, I also reached out to 2 others who recently split up and were depressed. We reached out and supported each other through the pain. I didn't know them before that, but it was the sadness of love lost that bonded us together. Perhaps you could also find people to chat with that empathize with you?
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Feb 26, 2011 4:51 PM GMT
    Hey Red, sorry to hear about the breakup. I can only imagine, geez.

    Nobody should tell you how to feel or deal with it when you go through a relationship change. They can give their opinions if you ask, but I think to interject "how you should deal with it" or the like isn't appropriate unless you
    are really have serious issues. I don't think you are there, but we do need
    an energetic Redbull out of bed every day!

    I do think it would be helpful for you to start thinking about when you might start doing things again that you enjoy... forget the friends' protests. Do things that matter the most to you in your life.. that give you real satisfaction, even if it's alone. Hang out with friends when the right time comes and ask for input when you want it.. otherwise close the door on
    those who think they know better.

    Spring is just around the corner... I want to see a rejuvinated Redbull here on RJ..... and I think we will.
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    Feb 26, 2011 5:03 PM GMT
    I agree that it may take longer than a few weeks to get past your old situation and move toward something new. Six years of companionship do not evaporate quickly.

    The bigger issue is not someone else wanting you, but you wanting someone else. That's what will really drive your decisions.

    Don't worry too much about not wanting to be physical with anyone else right now either. After only experiencing the touch of one man for ten years, it felt REALLY strange when someone new touched me. Have faith though --- eventually, the spark does return, when you least expect it.

    Best wishes.
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    Feb 26, 2011 6:14 PM GMT
    dude, you're getting over a 6 year relationship, it's gonna take time.

    I think I would be the same way. Who cares about a stupid "bear party" because when that party is over the situation is still gonna be the same.

    Why dont u go get a massage somewhere, take a walk, get out of ur house if possible, even if u go to the movies, mall, book store. Find a new routine or hobby. Maybe learn that 2nd or 3rd language u always wanted to. Maybe go take some yoga classes, go get a facial at a spa, go get certified in scuba diving, go play golf. I dunno. Go do something for urself and only urself. Dont worry about other people at the moment.

    Has there been something uve wanted to do?
    maybe start writing or go do some volunteer work. Do something good for others, because that will make u feel good.
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    Feb 26, 2011 6:25 PM GMT
    Who cares about a stupid "bear party" because when that party is over the situation is still gonna be the same.

    Did your crystal ball tell you that or is it just your assumption?

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    Feb 26, 2011 6:43 PM GMT
    It has only been 1 1/2 months since your breakup with essentially the love of your life. This guy has been completely entwined with you for that time and probably a bunch of time before that.

    Of course it's going to take you lots of time to lose the feelings you have for him and during that time it will be impossible for you to find attachment to another person, at least of that intensity.

    You should, in my opinion, do what you are doing. Go out with your friends, try to distract yourself. In time you will heal, and in time you'll find yourself wanting another attachment...or not. Why worry about it now?

    I think your friends, while well-intentioned, are not giving you good advice and are making you feel guilty for nothing.
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    Feb 26, 2011 6:52 PM GMT
    Hey, it's natural, you're only human. I sorta look at is as your grief will be as intense as your love was, at least for a short period of time. It's a tough thing to go through.

    I, for one, would be sorely tempted to go to a Bear Party though... but the ex's hometown thing would likely scare me off. I would be willing to go if I was pretty sure he wouldn't be there, but if there were a chance he would, I would avoid it.

    No bigger mood killer than to see your ex who you probably still have feelings for flirting and hitting on other guys.

    You'll be fine, with time it gets easier, and it sounds like you are going out and doing stuff.
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    Feb 26, 2011 7:24 PM GMT
    No, you are not being stupid at all. I'm sorry that your relationship didnt work out.... I'm also sorry that your friends aren't being more understanding of you not wanting to go.

    The things you're describing sound like normal reactions to loss. You are grieving a relationship and with that comes feelings of sadness, loss of motivation, appetite, etc. It should improve in the coming weeks and months, but it does take time. You described him as the love of your life.... it's not going to just change in a matter of weeks.

    Don't be so hard on yourself for having all these feelings! They are all normal feelings. Maybe part of you wants to be "over it," but let me tell you that its really important for you to work through all of the emotions you have, rather than simply trying to cover them up with meaningless parties, booze, sex, etc.

    You need time for yourself now. Take it, and do not be ashamed of how you feel. It will improve in time.
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    Feb 27, 2011 7:02 PM GMT
    beneful1 saidWho cares about a stupid "bear party" because when that party is over the situation is still gonna be the same.

    Did your crystal ball tell you that or is it just your assumption?



    its just my assumption. icon_neutral.gif

    just trying ot help the guy out. I mean he said he didnt wanna go to the bear party so i was trying to suuport him icon_smile.gif
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    Feb 27, 2011 7:49 PM GMT
    If you don't want to go, don't go. You need time to heal. Going out and spending time with friends certainly helps. However, if going to that town is like rubbing salt into wound, why go?! There will be other opportunities to party and other occasions for getting together with friends.

    Hope it will be over soon.
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    Feb 27, 2011 8:10 PM GMT
    You're not a wuss. You're an adult male with a full emotionally mature brain. You will get through this in time. Don't force yourself unless this goes on for months and months... at which point you should seek counseling, and help from loved ones. Many of us have been there. Take heart - it will pass in time.

    You will get over the "town/neighborhood thing" too. My ex lives across town from me. I kept meeting guys that lived on his street(!) and it whigged me out. I got over it though. But it still reminds me. How can one just forget 6 or 10 years? Ya can't. It's human nature.

    Feel what you need to feel - then move on. You're a handsome, smart guy - you'll do fine. best! -ant
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    Feb 27, 2011 8:18 PM GMT
    MuscleComeBack saidSix weeks into being out of something you were in for six years, and you're supposed to just "get over it" that quickly? Maybe some guys could, but I can't.

    Babe, be sad and work it out on YOUR time, not your friends time. It's good that they're there to get you out and push you, but you're perfectly right to push back and say "not yet" if you're truly feeling that you're not ready. For some people six weeks is too long. For some six months isn't enough, and in truth, your time for healing is only protracted if you push yourself when you're genuinely not ready.

    Listen to Tanker, there's good counsel there. MIL are right, it isn't 'his' town, but for now it's colored that way for you, and once it fades and time has washed away the tint of things that can't hurt you anymore, you'll be ready. And it's entirely possible that it's somebody else's town, too, someone who you'll love more deeply than your ex.

    Take time to heal, but not so long that you're wallowing (keep those friends close). Be mindful of your heart in order to prepare it for someone more deserving of you, and he'll show up, all in good time.


    ^ This. I read through all the responses, and most people had good things to say. I would just add what GAMRican said as well, that counseling would be a good thing to look into. It sounds like your depression is affecting most of your life areas. A therapist isn't a magic bullet, but it may help you heal faster.

    Take care.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Feb 27, 2011 8:31 PM GMT
    red, normally i would tell someone like you to just get over it. however, you seem like a nice enough guy so i will give you a little water down version of moving on. listen no one is asking you to get over this relationship so fast. however, i think what some of your friends, posters to your thread and my included are trying to say is take your time getting over your ex but do not let this stop you from living your life. dude, no one is asking you to go out and meet someone but go out and have fun. join some leagues, get a hobby, or start volunteering. dude, get out and do some things. i am sure it must be hard for you but your friends are right. dude, you have to get back out there and start. i bet your ex isn't just lying around letting his life pass him by
  • JockChefJim

    Posts: 373

    Feb 27, 2011 8:46 PM GMT
    MuscleComeBack saidSix weeks into being out of something you were in for six years, and you're supposed to just "get over it" that quickly? Maybe some guys could, but I can't.

    Babe, be sad and work it out on YOUR time, not your friends time. It's good that they're there to get you out and push you, but you're perfectly right to push back and say "not yet" if you're truly feeling that you're not ready. For some people six weeks is too long. For some six months isn't enough, and in truth, your time for healing is only protracted if you push yourself when you're genuinely not ready.

    Listen to Tanker, there's good counsel there. MIL are right, it isn't 'his' town, but for now it's colored that way for you, and once it fades and time has washed away the tint of things that can't hurt you anymore, you'll be ready. And it's entirely possible that it's somebody else's town, too, someone who you'll love more deeply than your ex.

    Take time to heal, but not so long that you're wallowing (keep those friends close). Be mindful of your heart in order to prepare it for someone more deserving of you, and he'll show up, all in good time.

    xo



    YES.....Exactly this. Wouldn't change a word. Each person deals with break up differently. I've had trouble dealing with the end of short lived relationships. Yours was not short lived and as for the Bear party in his home town....skip it because been my experience it will cause you more grief than any fun you'll just be pretending to have anyway. But instead......go somewhere. Do something you have always wanted to do but not. Do something for you.
  • BCSwimmer

    Posts: 209

    Feb 27, 2011 8:55 PM GMT
    I am sorry for the loss you are experiencing and hope you will heal in time.

    It is normal to feel grief for any loss and the amount of grief will depend on the individual and how large the perceived loss is. Since this was the love of your life of course it will take time to heal and it is normal to lose motivation. Some days may be harder than others however it would be good if you are experiencing the occasional glimmer of hope that things will improve. However, if you are constantly feeling the same level of loss and dwelling on it non-stop then you may be experiencing some depression and in that regard speaking with a therapist would very likely be helpful.

    I too have experienced a great loss relatively recently (my life partner, and spouse, of almost 17 years passed away from a brain tumour last summer). Although the person you loved didn't die you naturally will experience much the same grief (losing the love of your life, possibly your best friend???, your confidant, the person who shares the household responsibilities with you, etc) PLUS, in your case, you have to deal with the thought that he will continue on in life, eventually meet and fall in love with someone else, etc (although recognize that in time this can happen for you as well).

    I would say what you are experiencing is normal and suggest you be gentle with yourself. Likely, many of your friends are well-intentioned and don't like to see you suffer. However a true and close friend will understand if you have a heart to heart talk with them and explain you need time to heal. Remember to ask for their support in that.

    If you feel your emotions are getting worse over time, or you actually get to the point where you don't get out of bed (rather than just having to force yourself) then depression is likely setting in so a visit to a therapist is in order for sure.

    A quick search of "healthy grieving" on the net returned a number of helpful sites including this one: http://depts.washington.edu/counsels/resources/4students/grieving/grieving.html has some good information including:
    Go gently -- take whatever time it needs, rather than giving yourself a deadline for when you should be "over it;"

    In addition the site offers many useful suggestions to manage your grief.

    Good luck to you on your journey.
    John

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    Feb 27, 2011 9:03 PM GMT
    I appreciate everyones advice so much! You guys are so great to take time to write all these responses for me.

    I will say I didnt go out to the party in my ex's hometown but a friend of mine & me went to a closer town & saw a movie, had dinner then went to the local gay bar there. Its been a place of socializing & solitude in a way for me for the last 20 years just to hang out with friends & dance the night away & get out all that nervous tension.

    I have to say I had a blast! The music was awesome & I met 3 of the most beautiful men in the whole place! It was nice to know after my ex made me feel so unattractive that these guys were hitting on me, I couldnt believe it!

    Even though I didnt exchange any numbers with them last night it was eye opening, & a boost in self confidence. Im not ready to have anything with anyone right now but if I see these guys out again Id definitely have to reconsider taking it a step further.

    Even though I still feel my heart belongs to my ex, it helped me realize its ok to get out & have some fun for me with no pressure. I definitely feel a little more energized, going to try to use this energy to uplift myself, take better care of myself & eventually have a new & improved man to offer the right man when the time is right.