Cant we be friends without sex?!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2011 12:50 PM GMT
    Im in the process of trying to make new friends while I go through this break up process from my ex.

    I have great gay friends ive had for years but we have different interests, some dont workout, some all they care about is partying & going to bars & etc. So im looking for a group of friends that I can relate to a little better.

    Im getting so dam frustrated because it seems the guys that I meet & make clear I just want to be friends are always trying to get in my pants & some of them have bf's! That pisses me off even more.

    I even had this 1 guy that recently split from his bf but theyre trying to work things out. He seemed like a good guy & I even considered letting him rent a room from me but then he started in on trying to get into bed with me. I cut that off real quick. Wtf?!

    Cant I just find gay friends? Why does it always have to include sex? And if you have a bf & are hitting on me why the hell do I want someone like that in my life? What happened to morales & values & getting to know people first? Dam!

    I know part of my seclusion from sex is me going thru a break up right now but I just want good gay friends I can relate to & depend on!
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    Feb 26, 2011 1:44 PM GMT
    Sorry for your situation, Red. Not all gay men are that way. Tonight, for example, I'm going to a get-together with about 10 gay guys...none of whom have tried to get me in bed, nor vice versa.
    Maybe you need to stop looking sexy? icon_wink.gif
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    Feb 26, 2011 2:17 PM GMT
    Lol! Thx man, but believe me, its not that i think im all that because nothing could be further from the truth but I just get so frustrated with guys sometimes.
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    Feb 26, 2011 2:34 PM GMT
    redbull saidCant we be friends without sex?!
    You're not ugly enough for that. icon_razz.gif
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    Feb 26, 2011 3:04 PM GMT
    Aaawww thanks man, "blush blush"!
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    Feb 26, 2011 8:24 PM GMT
    I kind of know what you mean, Brian. Going through that myself, sort of. Though mine doesn't involve sex being the issue, I am finding it difficult to find guys just to communicate at the onset, let alone create friendships. Sure, I am in a transitions of sorts, but it really shouldn't be so difficult to be pals with other men. Maybe once I pick and move to the new city, it might be better. Good luck with creating your 'round table'. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Feb 26, 2011 8:35 PM GMT
    You can't make someone be your friend. If you want to be friends but someone else wants sex, say, "thanks for your time. See you around." It really shouldn't be that complicated. Find groups doing the things you enjoy and the friends will follow.

    Take it as a complement. Imagine if you were a troll, you would have a whole different topic "I'm breaking up with my ex and no one wants to have sex with me!" The horror!

    One more thing to think about, to make a friend you have to be a friend. With what you're going through with your ex, it may be hard to reach out and relate to someone else. Your break up issues may be in the way. If that's the case, maybe you can find a support group for people going through a similar situation for camaraderie and support.
  • vj2004t

    Posts: 203

    Feb 26, 2011 8:38 PM GMT
    Is it ok if I just lust after you ! HE HE
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    Feb 26, 2011 8:39 PM GMT
    You'll be fine. It's really not hard to accomplish simple friendship without sex. You just gotta be firm and make it known that friendship is the only thing on the table and that it's concrete. They will either acknowledge and go with the flow or they will simply say "it's not worth it"and not bother with just wanting a simple friendship in which case you have your answer and you move.

    All gay men don't act like this. A lot of people in general do just want a friend. Again, you'll be fine.
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    Feb 26, 2011 8:54 PM GMT
    women can be great friends icon_smile.gificon_smile.gif
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    Feb 26, 2011 9:01 PM GMT
    Hang in there. There are plenty of gay guys that'll be friends with you without expecting sex. And, you know, you can be friends with straight guys and women too! icon_cool.gif

    And like some of the other guys wrote - quit looking so sexy - keep those guns and shoulders covered and maybe the guys will quit trying to get you into bed! icon_wink.gif
  • JockChefJim

    Posts: 373

    Feb 26, 2011 9:06 PM GMT
    I totally understand what you mean. Been dealing with the whole trying to make platonic friends since moving to Austin two + years ago and although I do have a good circle of friends, we all don't share the sameinterests so I am constantly on the search for new ones to add to me current circle. Not as easy as you would think. I am involved with different offline/non bar related GLBT activities and I still find it hard to meet people who you have common interests, want non-sexual friendships AND that you get along with. It's not easy but not giving up. My next step is to organize a a group for our community that is an active social group since there is not one here targeted to the GLBT community besides our running group. (Which I am not good at but still thinking of joining anyway.)

    Point of my rambling is......it's not easy and many of us feel the same frustrations as you do. You really are not alone but you need to be the aggressive one. (So I am learning.)

    Good Luck!
    Jim
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    Feb 26, 2011 9:10 PM GMT
    What never heard of multitasking?

    in todays world we must be multifunctional... Otherwise why buy the blender at all if it can't mince????

    icon_razz.gif
  • Midas426

    Posts: 965

    Feb 26, 2011 9:55 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear that you broke up with your guy. I think I remember reading a post where you were disappointed he didn't want to spend the holidays with your family.

    But yeah I seem to be having the same problem. In my case guys won't even entertain the possibility of friendship since they're not attracted to me. It's their loss definitely.
  • needleninja

    Posts: 713

    Feb 26, 2011 10:05 PM GMT
    hmmm, i think i need to start cutting off pll really quick when they are trying to get in my pants as well. :^
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    Feb 26, 2011 10:25 PM GMT
    Friends are hard for anyone to find including straight people. Find a social function besides the clubs because there are a ton of gatherings out there.

    I am not even Christian but, I go to a really awesome church where there are all kinds of people my age (including mentors) to meet that have no interest in a sexual agenda.

    How is it possible to be a non-Christian yet still fit in? I practice my moral beliefs and exclude my sexual orientation because it doesn't matter to them anyways. I also try not to change other people's faith if it works for them... No good friend does that. There's probably more to it but, the bottom line is it has worked for me.

    It also depends upon the size and coolness of the church. My church is the largest in Orange County and the band plays TOTAL Rock & Roll music! And how hard is it to believe Jesus has changed a lot of lives for the better by suggesting love and forgiveness to the point he even died for it?

    Friends just flock to me and they are beautiful people that I find SO MUCH in common with it is unreal!! They don't manipulate me and they don't expect me to be just like them. I think that's what the greater part of the world should be like.

    Anyway, I'm just giving you church as an example... Just look around, surely there is something that fits you! Good luck and I admire your morals!


    icon_cool.gif
  • Cuchullain

    Posts: 64

    Feb 26, 2011 10:57 PM GMT
    Non-sexual friendships between gay men can be complicated to nurture. I know it's frustrating for you when guys try to cross this line, but does that mean it's time to end the friendship, or is that just an opportunity for you to more firmly establish boundaries?

    For sure - if the guy's supposedly in a monogamous relationship and he's hitting on you, maybe your values aren't aligned, and the friendship is not meant to be.

    Otherwise - consider how you might respond in a way that nudges the relationship in the direction you'd like it to go, instead of just ending it. If you can deflect an advance with humor and grace and leave the guy feeling not too rejected, the episode could become just another step on the way to a solid friendship.

    Limiting your friendships to guys who don't think you're cute is going to narrow the field considerably.

    Best of luck mate.
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    Feb 26, 2011 11:12 PM GMT
    redbull saidIm in the process of trying to make new friends while I go through this break up process from my ex.

    I have great gay friends ive had for years but we have different interests, some dont workout, some all they care about is partying & going to bars & etc. So im looking for a group of friends that I can relate to a little better.

    Im getting so dam frustrated because it seems the guys that I meet & make clear I just want to be friends are always trying to get in my pants & some of them have bf's! That pisses me off even more.

    I even had this 1 guy that recently split from his bf but theyre trying to work things out. He seemed like a good guy & I even considered letting him rent a room from me but then he started in on trying to get into bed with me. I cut that off real quick. Wtf?!

    Cant I just find gay friends? Why does it always have to include sex? And if you have a bf & are hitting on me why the hell do I want someone like that in my life? What happened to morales & values & getting to know people first? Dam!

    I know part of my seclusion from sex is me going thru a break up right now but I just want good gay friends I can relate to & depend on!


    You sir, do not sound like a typical gay guy. Congratulations, not many of us left.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1117

    Feb 27, 2011 3:23 AM GMT
    Achillesblade said
    redbull saidIm in the process of trying to make new friends while I go through this break up process from my ex.

    I have great gay friends ive had for years but we have different interests, some dont workout, some all they care about is partying & going to bars & etc. So im looking for a group of friends that I can relate to a little better.

    Im getting so dam frustrated because it seems the guys that I meet & make clear I just want to be friends are always trying to get in my pants & some of them have bf's! That pisses me off even more.

    I even had this 1 guy that recently split from his bf but theyre trying to work things out. He seemed like a good guy & I even considered letting him rent a room from me but then he started in on trying to get into bed with me. I cut that off real quick. Wtf?!

    Cant I just find gay friends? Why does it always have to include sex? And if you have a bf & are hitting on me why the hell do I want someone like that in my life? What happened to morales & values & getting to know people first? Dam!

    I know part of my seclusion from sex is me going thru a break up right now but I just want good gay friends I can relate to & depend on!


    You sir, do not sound like a typical gay guy. Congratulations, not many of us left.


    I second that, and perhaps that explains our friend redbull's frustrations! it isn't easy being different in a world where everyone else perceive us as different! sadly being a decent gay guy with morals and values indeed is quite rare and often doubted, taken advantage of, or look down upon in today's world.

    What does morality and values have to do with the boundaries of friendship? it is self explanatory that if I want friendship and nothing more, and it is not considered or respected then it does become clear the other person does not honor my own sense morality and values, much less his own!


    Leandro ♥
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    Feb 27, 2011 4:00 AM GMT
    Ugh! I can relate to this post completely. I think the key is to try and surround yourself with people who are going to respect your boundaries, because there's no guarantee they won't want to sleep with you at one point or another. I know, at least in my experience, it's difficult to find these guys... but they do exist. I'm proof of that! :^J
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    Feb 27, 2011 9:17 AM GMT
    You are putting too much into sex.
    It's just sex.
  • alphatop

    Posts: 1955

    Feb 27, 2011 9:24 AM GMT
    redbull saidIm in the process of trying to make new friends while I go through this break up process from my ex.

    I have great gay friends ive had for years but we have different interests, some dont workout, some all they care about is partying & going to bars & etc. So im looking for a group of friends that I can relate to a little better.

    Im getting so dam frustrated because it seems the guys that I meet & make clear I just want to be friends are always trying to get in my pants & some of them have bf's! That pisses me off even more.

    I even had this 1 guy that recently split from his bf but theyre trying to work things out. He seemed like a good guy & I even considered letting him rent a room from me but then he started in on trying to get into bed with me. I cut that off real quick. Wtf?!

    Cant I just find gay friends? Why does it always have to include sex? And if you have a bf & are hitting on me why the hell do I want someone like that in my life? What happened to morales & values & getting to know people first? Dam!

    I know part of my seclusion from sex is me going thru a break up right now but I just want good gay friends I can relate to & depend on!


    Try to be friend with girls, they usually will not try to fuck you.
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    Feb 27, 2011 2:55 PM GMT
    Your making friendship more complicated than it has to be. I realize this is 2011 and everyone's become very jaded; friends aren't always friends with benefits. And just because you're gay doesn't mean you have to have gay friends.

    1. Your profile says you're looking for a hookup. For a lot of men reading it that carries more weight than the fact you are also looking for friends, training buddies, dating and a relationship.
    2. You're showing off your butt.
    3. If a friend wants sex with you tell him you're not interested. If he pursues it further, end the friendship.
    4. Avoid guys in open relationships unless they understand you're not interested in being part of their sex life.
    5. Make friends with straight guys who are not curious.
    6. Make friends with women.
    7. Make friends with straight couples.
    8. How about your son's friends? They may have a parent or parents who would love to be friends with you.

    I can't think of 9 and 10.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Feb 27, 2011 3:05 PM GMT
    Draper saidYour making friendship more complicated than it has to be. I realize this is 2011 and everyone's become very jaded; friends aren't always friends with benefits. And just because you're gay doesn't mean you have to have gay friends.

    1. Your profile says you're looking for a hookup. For a lot of men reading it that carries more weight than the fact you are also looking for friends, training buddies, dating and a relationship.
    2. You're showing off your butt.
    3. If a friend wants sex with you tell him you're not interested. If he pursues it further, end the friendship.
    4. Avoid guys in open relationships unless they understand you're not interested in being part of their sex life.
    5. Make friends with straight guys who are not curious.
    6. Make friends with women.
    7. Make friends with straight couples.
    8. How about your son's friends? They may have a parent or parents who would love to be friends with you.

    I can't think of 9 and 10.

    red, i would have to agree with draper. i have tons of friends and buddies. most of them are straight but they all have one thing common and that is we all have similar interest
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    Feb 27, 2011 3:10 PM GMT
    I think this is really rather simple; you meet people. If someone makes a pass you tell them you're looking for friends, not sex.
    If they stick around, great. If they don't then you know it wasn't friendship they had in mind, and that friendships are not what they're looking for. We've ended up with some very cool friends that began by them hitting on one or the other of us two. We just happily (because we both took it as a compliment) said no. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug