Advice needed regarding a friend

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2011 4:35 PM GMT
    Hi everyone

    I came across this forum whilst looking for a place that may offer some advice regarding a problem I have.

    For a start I should say I am straight, now before I get misunderstood here I must stress that i'm perfectly comfortable with people who are gay. In fact my brother and a friend of mine are in fact gay.

    Back to the issue:

    My close group of friends have known each other since our school days, we are now mid 20's age bracket. When we're in just chilling having a few drinks, playing on the wii etc it tends to be just us guys together. This is great and a good night out for me.

    Lately though, I have noticed one of my pals may be gay but has not come out. I must state MAY here. It's a feeling I have. He tends to make jokes just like all the other guys do; i.e. banter but takes things too far. All the jokes he makes seem to be about me and him 'together'. Whilst I'd normally take this as good hearted banter from the guys and nothing more, the numerous times he makes such jokes is now becoming quite irratating for me.

    Now to clarify, I don't give a monkeys whether he is straight, gay or bi. He is a close friend and always will be whichever way he is.

    The problem is not that he may be gay, for course not. The problem is, how do I tell him I am not comfortable with the jokes he is making but remain sensitive and not upset him.

    He has suffered severe depression for many years now and I can't help feel that this may be the cause of his depression. Obviously I don't want to upset him but something must be said; the amount of jokes and banter he makes about me and him is unnatural.

    I have asked some of my other friends if it was just me worrying about nothing but they too have noticed these jokes and his behavour around me is different compared to others.

    Please don't think this is an insulting post, I genuinely need some advice on what to say.

    Thanks

    Widget





  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2011 4:43 PM GMT

    Widget, take him out for lunch. Tell him you're wired for women. Tell you find the flirting is making you feel the same as if a girl you weren't interested in was flirting with you. If you are really good friends, this conversation can happen smoothly. Keep it warm, friendly and with lots of smiles to keep it light.

    -Doug
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    Feb 26, 2011 5:03 PM GMT
    Exactly as above.

    Also, try not to to joke flirt with him for a while until things go back to normal- it could take a long while, but still, if he secretly likes you he will always wonder if you really mean it deep down also. Don't give him any reason to think anything more than platonic friendship is on the cards- even if its said in jest.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2011 9:40 PM GMT
    Get him drunk and ask him if he wants to make out. If he says yes you got your answer. How you get out of that situation is another story.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 26, 2011 9:46 PM GMT
    All the concerns you have expressed to us should be the exact same concerns you express to him... He will understand!
  • disasterpiece

    Posts: 2991

    Feb 26, 2011 9:54 PM GMT
    Considering your maturity and openmindness for coming here and genuinely ask for advices for a friends that you obviously care about, I'm sure there's no way having a serious conversation with him could ruin your friendship.

    If he is not gay, he might be insulted at first, but that's just funny in the end.

    In any way, make sure to make him understand that it's not the fact that he's gay that makes you uncomfortable, but the whole situation of him taking jokes too far. icon_smile.gif
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    Feb 26, 2011 10:01 PM GMT
    If you do as meninlove said and take him out to lunch etc., you have a good chance to ask him in a situation that's just the two of you, so he won't feel any pressure from your other friends.
    As long as you let him know that you're okay with him being gay (if he is) and that you'll respect his privacy in not telling your other friends, his family, etc. then he should feel comfortable enough to tell you.
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    Feb 26, 2011 10:03 PM GMT
    Yeah I agree with everyone else. Talk to him seriously one on one and perhaps ask if he is gay, and make sure you tell him you don't care and will be his friend no matter what. Then explain to him why you think so and tell him the jokes he makes make you think he is and that they go too far a lot of the time.

    Make sure you stress there is nothing wrong with being gay and that you still want to be his friend no matter what. If he is gay, he will understand. If he is not gay, he will definitely cut it off with the jokes because he now realizes they make him come off gay.
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    Feb 26, 2011 10:56 PM GMT
    Cheers guys

    Thank you for the genuine replies. I think you have all hit the nail on the head when you mention 'taking the jokes too far' as it is this that is starting to annoy me.

    I understand what you are saying about asking one to one, I wouldn't want to make anyone uncomfortable and I think any serious conversation regardless of subject deserves privacy.

    As I see it now though I don't think I will ask him just yet. This whole charade has only come on in the last few months so I think I'll just let things be for a few months more, after all it isn't really my business.

    Perhaps when it starts again I should maybe just change subject quickly but not too obviously that its rude. Maybe he would take the hint that the joke didn't hit the punchline with me and hopefully stop the jokes?

    Widget




  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 27, 2011 6:49 AM GMT
    Also I was joking.
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    Feb 27, 2011 7:05 AM GMT
    widget saidCheers guys

    Thank you for the genuine replies. I think you have all hit the nail on the head when you mention 'taking the jokes too far' as it is this that is starting to annoy me.

    I understand what you are saying about asking one to one, I wouldn't want to make anyone uncomfortable and I think any serious conversation regardless of subject deserves privacy.

    As I see it now though I don't think I will ask him just yet. This whole charade has only come on in the last few months so I think I'll just let things be for a few months more, after all it isn't really my business.

    Perhaps when it starts again I should maybe just change subject quickly but not too obviously that its rude. Maybe he would take the hint that the joke didn't hit the punchline with me and hopefully stop the jokes?

    Widget






    That seems a lot nicer than what my friends of twenty years would do... I would get hit straight out for attempting to degrade a good friendship. I might have chose them twenty years ago because I found them attractive but, they never gave me less than what I could ever have bargained for. Personally I too would be pissed if I were them but, when I think of all the great adventures they took me on I have no room to complain. I quickly learned that these men had more to offer than a one night stand. I really hope you take the upper hand because you sound as though you have been abused. Don't ever sacrifice your space because tolerance alone is the perfect affection to ANYONE!!! It's simple, either enforce the laws of nature or be hurt yourself which, I do not think you deserve. You are an amazing character!!!!!
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    Feb 27, 2011 7:06 AM GMT
    boulderic saidAlso I was joking.
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