Double Life.

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    Feb 26, 2011 5:44 PM GMT
    So I've been living this "Double Life". It's getting worse everyday, It's getting to a point which is kind of merging into one. I hide my feelings to my family and friends (I'm still in the closet) but I'm absolutely sure If I tell my friends this, they won't back me up, lately we've been talking about gay people, and they see this world as disgusting, and that they could never be with someone like that, sometimes I get hurt, but like i dont mind and just let it pass by. My family is the same way, so I've been lying to everybody and I've been meeting with other guys and stuff, they're really nice but it's getting to a point which ok, I haven't been succesful with any guy I've met for whatever reasons, but it keeps me thinking about what's been going wrong. So when I'm with my friends or family, I just keep on thinking on what's keep on going wrong, so I've been very distracted from what they talk, and they even ask me what's wrong, and I can't say anything else than just a "Nothing". So I guess my sentimental life is keeping my mind busy, by which I can't concentrate too much on other things. I try to just move on, and that the guy for me will come at it's time. It's difficult. And I see they all have their gf and everybody has someone to love, and I've been single for 19 years already. Just receiving the love of my family. So it's kind of frustrating never been loved by someone else than just my family. But, well everything comes at it's time I guess.... It's just taking years for it to come.

    I would appreciate comments guys icon_smile.gif Not just views, Lol.
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    Feb 26, 2011 5:51 PM GMT
    Oddly enough... before I had a chance to real your whole thread, I had already started (in my head) a response to you....it went something like this:

    "But, well everything comes at it's time" Of course, by the time I got to the end of your post.... I see that you already know this. I wish you the best!!!
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    Feb 26, 2011 5:56 PM GMT
    Haha, yes i do know this, but it's overwhelming that I'm always thinking about it, so I can't focus on any other thing than just that. Even when I'm outdoors with some friends, this just keeps spinning on my head. It's annoying, Lol.
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    Feb 26, 2011 5:56 PM GMT
    yesterr saidSo I've been living this "Double Life". It's getting worse everyday, It's getting to a point which is kind of merging into one. I hide my feelings to my family and friends (I'm still in the closet) but I'm absolutely sure If I tell my friends this, they won't back me up, lately we've been talking about gay people, and they see this world as disgusting, and that they could never be with someone like that, sometimes I get hurt, but like i dont mind and just let it pass by. My family is the same way, so I've been lying to everybody and I've been meeting with other guys and stuff, they're really nice but it's getting to a point which ok, I haven't been succesful with any guy I've met for whatever reasons, but it keeps me thinking about what's been going wrong. So when I'm with my friends or family, I just keep on thinking on what's keep on going wrong, so I've been very distracted from what they talk, and they even ask me what's wrong, and I can't say anything else than just a "Nothing". So I guess my sentimental life is keeping my mind busy, by which I can't concentrate too much on other things. I try to just move on, and that the guy for me will come at it's time. It's difficult. And I see they all have their gf and everybody has someone to love, and I've been single for 19 years already. Just receiving the love of my family. So it's kind of frustrating never been loved by someone else than just my family. But, well everything comes at it's time I guess.... It's just taking years for it to come.

    I would appreciate comments guys icon_smile.gif Not just views, Lol.


    Dude, I 100% know what you're going through. It sucks.
    I thought the saaaaame thing about my friends and family too. I would think "They will never accept me for who I am" "They are going to reject me and cut me out of their lives, etc" It's a scary feeling and u dont have to come out of the closet now, if you're not comfortable.
    However, you're beginning to realize that leading a double life is hard, it's not fun. I did the same thing. I led 2 separate lives til I was about 24. It was so hard to juggle both lives at the same time and keep it altogether. There was so much lying, and "story-telling" and "acting" that I was going crazy on the inside.
    My parents are devoutly Catholic and so I was raised that way. I have 2 (straight) brothers and very "straight" parents (obviously?)

    Homosexuality was rarely talked about and if it was it was always "thats weird" "thats strange" etc. My brothers would say things like "thats gay" about anything that was not considered cool to them or whatever. "faggot" was used on a constant basis. Not toward me, bu toward anything. I just knew that being a homo was not going to go over well.

    Long story short, when I was 24 I "came out" I was literally scared for my life. I didnt wanna lose my family.
    However, they all ended up being a lot more supportive than I thought. Yeah, it was uber awkward and they asked some awkward questions, but in the end they still loved me and just want me to be happy.
    I sure ur fam wants the same for , they just dont know about u. They may not understand at first, but u will need to help them understand.
    Again, wait until you're ready to come out. I'm telling you when u do, your mind will be a lot less distracted. You need to make urself happy in this life. I think thats the most important thing I learned and it took me years, but being happy with who u are will cause everything else to fall into place.

    You're 18, you've got a lot of growing up to do and I dont mean that in like a condescending way. I mean it for real, cuz I remember when I was 18 and now that I'm 27, damn has my life completely changed since then and so will urs.

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    Feb 26, 2011 5:59 PM GMT
    Its all a process, for me I just told one of my best friend during a car ride and he was pretty cool with it and didnt care. You would be surprise how many of your friends dont really care about your sexuality than you think they would. For your family it might be another story but tell them when your ready. Better to get your life going than living in the closet not being able to do anything.
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    Feb 26, 2011 6:17 PM GMT
    Thank you guys. It's that yes, It's a difficult process, and including the fact that, this is my senior year in high school, choosing a college, deciding on going out of state, where to go?.. dealing with my "two personal life", so much lying, undecided on a career. Basically I'm afraid of too many things, but at least I have a clear goal -Be someone and be productive- but it's difficult to handle too many things at the same time. I've also been accepting myself, at this point I'm happy with who I am. But too many thoughts and expectations.
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    Feb 26, 2011 8:18 PM GMT
    People are A LOT of talk when they talk about gay people. Straight guys will generally talk about "fags" and what not. Its just what has been bread into them. Once they find out that one of their close friends that they have had so much fun with is actually gay, they tend to be fine with it. But think about it, do you want friends that won't love you if you are gay? Or do you want friends that love you no matter what? If they have an issue with you being gay, then screw them and find better friends.
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    Feb 26, 2011 8:21 PM GMT
    yesterr saidThank you guys. It's that yes, It's a difficult process, and including the fact that, this is my senior year in high school, choosing a college, deciding on going out of state, where to go?.. dealing with my "two personal life", so much lying, undecided on a career. Basically I'm afraid of too many things, but at least I have a clear goal -Be someone and be productive- but it's difficult to handle too many things at the same time. I've also been accepting myself, at this point I'm happy with who I am. But too many thoughts and expectations.


    Oh you haven't even gone to college yet? Oh dude don't worry. I will be honest, your entire group of friends will most likely change when you are in college. A lot of people are lucky to maintain even one close friendship from high school. I know that besides my best friend since middle school, I hang out completely with people I met in college. I only hang out with some high school friends occasionally to catch up. Use this opportunity to start off new! Start off college up front about being gay, and obviously the friends you make will be ok with it because they already know you are gay.
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    Feb 26, 2011 8:24 PM GMT
    yesterr saidSo I've been living this "Double Life". It's getting worse everyday, It's getting to a point which is kind of merging into one. I hide my feelings to my family and friends (I'm still in the closet) but I'm absolutely sure If I tell my friends this, they won't back me up, lately we've been talking about gay people, and they see this world as disgusting, and that they could never be with someone like that, sometimes I get hurt, but like i dont mind and just let it pass by. My family is the same way, so I've been lying to everybody and I've been meeting with other guys and stuff, they're really nice but it's getting to a point which ok, I haven't been succesful with any guy I've met for whatever reasons, but it keeps me thinking about what's been going wrong. So when I'm with my friends or family, I just keep on thinking on what's keep on going wrong, so I've been very distracted from what they talk, and they even ask me what's wrong, and I can't say anything else than just a "Nothing". So I guess my sentimental life is keeping my mind busy, by which I can't concentrate too much on other things. I try to just move on, and that the guy for me will come at it's time. It's difficult. And I see they all have their gf and everybody has someone to love, and I've been single for 19 years already. Just receiving the love of my family. So it's kind of frustrating never been loved by someone else than just my family. But, well everything comes at it's time I guess.... It's just taking years for it to come.

    I would appreciate comments guys icon_smile.gif Not just views, Lol.




    I did the same thing until I was about 22 then I came out--at some point it is something you 100% have to do. Please know you are not disgusting. You're lucky because you live in a incredibly gay friendly area Miami Florida. I realized I was a full on Homo when I was about you age--I decide I would go to college and do as well as I could so when I did come up if the worst case scenario happened and I was disowned by my whole family and all my friends I could still support myself. Luckily when I came out the worst did not happen but I did lose some friends and I am not as close to some extended family.
    Prepare your self for that possibility however leading a double life will only end in your personal ruin--so start building the courage to live you best and most honest life ASAP--In the end you're a cute smart and self aware guy. You will land on your feet--good luck!
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    Feb 26, 2011 8:31 PM GMT
    +1 for giving you support; it sounds like you're already grounded. Not sure if you're going to college, and if that's close to home, but could provide the distance you need to make your path.
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    Feb 26, 2011 8:36 PM GMT
    bee yourself
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    Feb 26, 2011 8:40 PM GMT
    At some point you'll realize that you just have to tell them.
    You'll see that it was a much bigger deal to you than it was to them.

    If it is a big deal to them, then you're better off without them. Who wants a friend that only wants you around if you pretend to be something other than who you are.

    Good luck.
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    Feb 26, 2011 8:50 PM GMT
    I love this thread. Thanks for starting it and really pouring out your feelings that way. You'd be surprised how many other guys are in the same boat. My father and two sisters are devoutly religious (i.e., anti-gay), plus I have a clinically depressed sister who calls me crying and writes letters to tell me that God hates me because I no longer attend church. So that's uplifting..... But I feel that I can't come out until I find a real relationship. Otherwise, I'd feel really alone.

    Living a double life is really hard. But just know that there are a lot of us out here who have similar feelings and situations.

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    Feb 26, 2011 9:23 PM GMT
    When I came out my friends realized how much they were probably hurting me and stopped saying those things around me.

    Opinions are always going to hurt just like you might hold some personal opinions that would hurt them. If you would rather not come out to them at this time just know they may not realize you are gay and otherwise would never intentionally hurt you if they were to understand you better.

    Please don't take this as me suggesting you come out because only you can judge what your friends could handle. It's really a two way street when it comes to fear and ignorance.
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    Feb 26, 2011 9:33 PM GMT
    Yeah, my friends made it clear that they don't mean no harm with their homo comments or jokes.
  • Webster666

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    Feb 26, 2011 9:43 PM GMT
    You're adorable.
    You shouldn't have to suffer this way.
    But, finding the right guy isn't going to solve your problems because you'd feel that you had to hide him from everybody that you know.

    The only answer is to come out to your friends and family.

    http://borngaybornthisway.blogspot.com/

    Hugs.

  • Feb 26, 2011 9:48 PM GMT
    Well, first of all--you should know that there are probably a million guys in the same boat you're in (myself included). I had my first sexual experience with a guy when I was your age, and have basically led a "double life" for 11+ years now.

    Honestly, I've never struggled with it as much as you appear to be...what you do in your bedroom is your business and no one else's--and you shouldn't feel obligated to tell everyone in your life about your personal business. I guess that's why I've never really struggled with this--you can find guys to talk to online if you want to ask questions or share experiences...but if you are drawn to the gay community, want to be involved, have an open relationship with a guy, etc., then it will probably be VERY hard, if not impossible for you to keep leading a "double life."

    So I guess it comes down to what kind of life you want to live--I mean--what's most important to you? Make a list of priorities, and that will help you figure out whether or not it's important for you to let others know about your sexuality. Although, again--it's YOUR business and no one else's...and NO ONE should be able to take that away from you--trust me--there will be plenty of people trying to pressure you into doing what THEY think is best or 'right', but you should only do what you feel is right in your heart.

    Good luck, bro! There are plenty of guys here that are available to listen, offer advice, and share experiences--you should definitely take advantage--you're not alone!
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    Feb 26, 2011 10:36 PM GMT
    RealSportsJock saidWell, first of all--you should know that there are probably a million guys in the same boat you're in (myself included). I had my first sexual experience with a guy when I was your age, and have basically led a "double life" for 11+ years now.

    !.
    The mental energy spent on 11 years of trying to deceive everyone you know boggles the mind. And of course in some inevitable percentage of cases the deception isn't successful.
    Why not just take the plunge and invest this energy in building honest relationships?
  • KissTheSky

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    Feb 26, 2011 11:49 PM GMT
    To the OP, I think you've gotten some good advice, to come out when you're ready and comfortable.
    The only thing I would add is that when you go to college, try to find friends who are liberal and open-minded. There's plenty of young people who are not homophobic (in fact I think the homophobes are the minority among people in their 20s) and they will like you just the same regardless of your sexual orientation.
    Anti-gay bigots... even if you weren't gay, why would you want to be friends with people like that?
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    Feb 26, 2011 11:52 PM GMT
    A_1991 saidIts all a process, for me I just told one of my best friend during a car ride and he was pretty cool with it and didnt care. You would be surprise how many of your friends dont really care about your sexuality than you think they would. For your family it might be another story but tell them when your ready. Better to get your life going than living in the closet not being able to do anything.
    ... wow thats how i told my best friend ... i was driving and he said look at the girl she is hot ...and i looked over and i saw a guy and i was like yea he is hot and he looked over at me and then i told him ... he was kinda freaked out at first but then nothing changed we still do every thing together
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    Feb 26, 2011 11:53 PM GMT
    Two things you are going to eventually find out:

    #1 More people know, or at least suspect, than you realize and they aren't going to be surprised and;

    #2 Less people than you think give a rats ass what you do in bed.
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    Feb 27, 2011 1:06 AM GMT
    Thank you all ! icon_smile.gif Very supportive, today hasn't been my day, but we all have days like this. I really appreciate the help of all of you ! icon_smile.gif