ADVICE PLEASE: From anyone who has been cheated on or has cheated

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    Feb 28, 2011 12:06 PM GMT
    So I recently pieced together that I was being cheated on for about the last two weeks of my most recent (and first) relationship. I don't really have any hard feelings since it only lasted two months. I just really want to know why...is that cool?

    Basically all I want to know is have you ever asked why? Or would you be cool with someone asking why? It's kind of like asking why you didn't get a job or why you got fired I guess...I just want to improve on whatever I did wrong. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. icon_smile.gif
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    Feb 28, 2011 1:03 PM GMT
    No its not cool for this to happen. And really most often than not, the urge to cheat is based purely on sex.... icon_confused.gif

    You're a really cute guy and its a shame your first guy would do such a low life thing.

    As long you're not dwelling on it to much, things will be brighter as you move away from this unfortunate event.
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    Feb 28, 2011 1:13 PM GMT
    Is it weird for me to ask him why though? Am I out of line for wanting to know? I don't think I'm dwelling I'm just kind of confused. Why didn't he just dump me earlier? lol
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    Feb 28, 2011 1:15 PM GMT
    You're assuming the guy was being rational and did this for some reason, but this isn't always the case.

    Reality is that you did nothing wrong, some guys are just bastards for seemingly no reason.
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    Feb 28, 2011 1:18 PM GMT
    I would honestly just let it go. Ignore him and make your life.
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    Feb 28, 2011 2:32 PM GMT
    PotatoPotato saidIs it weird for me to ask him why though? Am I out of line for wanting to know? I don't think I'm dwelling I'm just kind of confused. Why didn't he just dump me earlier? lol


    No, it's not weird; ask away. Be prepared for not getting a straight answer, though. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug
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    Feb 28, 2011 2:40 PM GMT
    If your intention is to find out whether you've been remiss or deficient in the relationship so you can improve your self and learn from it, then ask the question and move on. If it's just a curiousity, don't ask because his answer will be inconsequential in the long run.
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    Feb 28, 2011 8:21 PM GMT
    Trust...You really don't want to know.
    It could be something that will crush your self-esteem for years to come or something stupid like: your second toe is longer than the big one, or your love of Britney.
    Just tell yourself it was something shiny and move on.
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    Feb 28, 2011 9:23 PM GMT
    Because of his dishonesty and his selfishness ..................
    You might not see it now , because of the sense of the confusion
    you are in , but he is the one , that have lost the most ....
    Move on , he is not worth the aches ....
    Good luck icon_smile.gif
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    Feb 28, 2011 9:37 PM GMT
    You can always ask, but I doubt the answer will help you in any way. I think anyone who's been cheated on would like to understand why, but at the end of the day it's irrelevant. The facts are, you're a great looking guy, he fucked up, and it's his loss. Try to forget about it and move on. You are young and there are plenty of faithful, quality gay men out there.
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    Mar 01, 2011 1:56 AM GMT
    PotatoPotato saidSo I recently pieced together that I was being cheated on for about the last two weeks of my most recent (and first) relationship. I don't really have any hard feelings since it only lasted two months. I just really want to know why...is that cool?

    Basically all I want to know is have you ever asked why? Or would you be cool with someone asking why? It's kind of like asking why you didn't get a job or why you got fired I guess...I just want to improve on whatever I did wrong. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. icon_smile.gif


    Waitaminute. I have a couple of questions. Did you just meet him and start dating two months ago, or were you already dating and decided two months ago that you would be exclusive?

    That's an important issue for both of you to understand. Was it clear that you expected monogamy? Because if it wasn't I wouldn't call it "cheating"
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    Mar 01, 2011 2:04 AM GMT
    Um.........it's not cool...........and asking why never helps............they either just straight up lie or if they tell you the truth, and it's about something you can't change about yourself, it's only going to bug you.

    Reasons i've been cheated on:

    1) i dunno
    2) you're fat
    3) he's hot, i'm sorry
    4) i've just always had a thing for "ethnic" guys
    5) i guess i'm not ready for anything serious right now

    None of those things were helpful to hear. Bottom line...........it doesn't help to hear..........he wanted someone else more than he wanted you and he can't control himself. Move on........get yourself someone who respects you, who likes you for who you are and who has some self control.........don't settle for less than that and when you find him, make sure you show him a good time ;-)
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    Mar 01, 2011 2:04 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]

    Waitaminute. I have a couple of questions. Did you just meet him and start dating two months ago, or were you already dating and decided two months ago that you would be exclusive?

    That's an important issue for both of you to understand. Was it clear that you expected monogamy? Because if it wasn't I wouldn't call it "cheating"[/quote]

    Good point.
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    Mar 01, 2011 2:10 AM GMT
    I cheated in monopoly once. But I made sure to leave before the game was over so that someone could fairly win.
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    Mar 01, 2011 2:13 AM GMT
    Don't forget to wear a condom.
    PotatoPotato saidIs it weird for me to ask him why though? Am I out of line for wanting to know? I don't think I'm dwelling I'm just kind of confused. Why didn't he just dump me earlier? lol

    No- no- maybe- it's easier this way?
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    Mar 01, 2011 2:20 AM GMT
    I have never cheated and have never had anyone cheat on me (to my knowledge).
    If you were exclusive, then be thankful that you found out to have found out so soon and to be away from the prick.

    A good rule of thumb: Don't ask questions that you don't want to hear the answer.
    Is it really going to do you any good to hear why he cheated? Why? What do you really want to know?

    It's best just to move on.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

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    Mar 01, 2011 3:19 AM GMT
    I agree with Ermine! just move on and don't torture yourself with the "whys" he was simply a jerk who is not deserving of anyone's love or any kind of gratification! avoiding the the drama that comes from confrontations will make you the better man of the two! walk away with your dignity intact and show him you have class.


    Leandro ♥
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    Mar 01, 2011 4:15 AM GMT
    A few clarifications--I met him in December and we would hang out basically everyday. Eventually this led to more and by mid-January I'd say we were dating exclusively. Should I clarify this with future boyfriends?

    My thing is this is my first boyfriend and I realized before I got into this that the first wasn't going to be the last, so as a learning experience I thought it might be good to know why. But y'all are all probably right, finding out why someone chose another guy might suck a lot.
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    Mar 01, 2011 4:20 AM GMT
    Its perfectly okay to ask why. Most important is to know its not your fault that it happened usually because of immaturity and pure stupidity that people cheat. Im on the same boat my first boyfriend also cheated on me (great time -__-) lol but till this day he hasn't giving me a straight answer. Cheating happens even to the the most undeserving of people but the best you can do is move on and try to find someone else i sure did and i couldnt be happier icon_smile.gif
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1114

    Mar 01, 2011 5:13 AM GMT
    PotatoPotato saidA few clarifications--I met him in December and we would hang out basically everyday. Eventually this led to more and by mid-January I'd say we were dating exclusively. Should I clarify this with future boyfriends? My thing is this is my first boyfriend and I realized before I got into this that the first wasn't going to be the last, so as a learning experience I thought it might be good to know why. But y'all are all probably right, finding out why someone chose another guy might suck a lot.



    Absolutely positively yes!!! whenever you get into a relationship you MUST let him know your stance on what you expect from him in the relationship! communication...communication...comunication; that is the golden rule in any relationship!!!


    Leandro ♥
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    Mar 08, 2011 7:12 PM GMT
    Bigy11 saidIts perfectly okay to ask why. Most important is to know its not your fault that it happened usually because of immaturity and pure stupidity that people cheat. Im on the same boat my first boyfriend also cheated on me (great time -__-) lol but till this day he hasn't giving me a straight answer. Cheating happens even to the the most undeserving of people but the best you can do is move on and try to find someone else i sure did and i couldnt be happier icon_smile.gif


    SMH at you..I gave you a straight answer and if you want I'll repeat it on this forum for everyone since it's clearly their business.

    PotatoPotato saidSo I recently pieced together that I was being cheated on for about the last two weeks of my most recent (and first) relationship. I don't really have any hard feelings since it only lasted two months. I just really want to know why...is that cool?

    Basically all I want to know is have you ever asked why? Or would you be cool with someone asking why? It's kind of like asking why you didn't get a job or why you got fired I guess...I just want to improve on whatever I did wrong. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. icon_smile.gif


    To you sir, it's totally fine to ask why, but don't expect a straight answer. Nobody deserves to be cheated on but it is a reality of human society. He might have cheated because he just wasn't that into you, or maybe he wasn't fulfilled sexually, or he might like you a lot and regret his being unfaithful. Regardless of the reason, it does happen and I'm assuming you guys didn't work it out...but you definitely have the right to ask but his answer may or may not be honest if he is able to give you one at all. I also agree that moving on to someone else would probably help you get over that situation. It's called a rebound lol and you may find someone you really like.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 08, 2011 7:34 PM GMT
    Actually Leandro answered PotatoPotato's question.

    Even though you dated for two months, if you don't talk about being exclusive, you're not.
    He may be your bf, but you two never set up any boundaries to your relationship. He was dating someone else, but he wasn't cheating on you.

    Again, you can ask him why he wants to date several guys at the same time if you really want. You were not cheated on, so don't ask him about that.
    I'll repeat: Don't ask questions if you don't want to hear the answer.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 08, 2011 7:44 PM GMT
    Don't ask why of yourself, don't even blink over it. Some guys just can't keep their dick in their pants. It's a fact, he'll cheat again and again and again, eventually no one will want to have anything to do with him because A. They don't want to be cheated in, B. they don't want to be constantly wondering if he is (even if he does wise up and stay faithful) C. they don't want the gonnaherpesyphilitis. He'll end updepressed and lonely, and you.... you faithful charmer will be in a committed, trustworthy relationship. Don't worry, it'll happen for you, but under no circumstances think that his motives were from you
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    Mar 08, 2011 7:55 PM GMT
    Cheating happens. People will get upset. But you can only ask why of yourself. Whether you have cheated or got cheated on your partner, the why will never come from them and you need to be ok that.

    If you didnt have a conversation of exclusivity with him then there was no exclusivity.

    And try taking your time next time. Rushing into something so quickly is often because of lust and insecurities. Its worth the wait, cliche but if the guy is interested then he will wait too!

    People cheat and people make mistakes because we are all human but the person will only change if they want to. Change is possible.
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    Mar 08, 2011 8:08 PM GMT
    It's hard not to take being cheated on personally. Feel fortunate enough knowing that this person really showed you what they were about so soon instead of a year down the road, or perhaps even longer. You may want to keep in mind that a cheater is usually going to want to blame someone, something, or a situation for their slip just to keep from having to face how they hurt someone's feelings. A reality that asking may never get you the truth.

    My only suggestion would be to not rush relationships or the decision to date exclusively so soon. Relationships take time to mature and imposing boundaries to soon can be fatal to their progression. Start with setting small boundaries, see how respectful they are to those before you set the big ones.


    Be gentle on yourself, you're growing....it takes time to figure out what you need or want out of a relationship as well as what the signs of a dangerous man look like. Sometimes, part of figuring that out is knowing what you don't want.