Your boyfriend goes on Grindr: would you be bothered?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 28, 2011 8:15 PM GMT
    Hey guys,

    So I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months, and like all relationships, we've had our ups and downs. Our downs revolve around us arguing over his manhunt account and now grindr.

    He has since deleted manhunt - I didn't ask him, but he did it anyway because it was causing strain on the relationship. But now I find that he has grindr. I'm not going to lie: the only reason why I know he's on these networking sites is because I signed up myself to search for him. Surely enough, I find him... and he's on quite frequently.

    He reassures me that I have nothing to worry about and that he's not meeting anyone. In all honesty, I truly believe he's not meeting anyone. I believe he's chatting with guys, but not actually meeting them. Yet questions like who is he talking to, who is he searching for, why is he compelled to even go on? - They continue to plague me.

    We've argued over it so many times in the past that it's gotten to the point where he's annoyed when I bring it up anymore. He says if I trust him, what is there to talk about? That it's the same argument over and over. With grindr, he doesn't even have a picture of himself up. He feels that it's almost as if I'm looking for something to pin him down for.

    When we don't argue over manhunt or grindr - or anything related to potential fidelity concerns - we're great. But for whatever reason, these issues keep popping up. I don't want to control him and get him to delete these sites. Yet at the same time, the idea of him logging onto grindr still makes me very insecure. I feel that if I keep pressing my concerns, our relationship will eventually fall apart.

    He says that I don't trust him, otherwise I wouldn't have to snoop. I trust him... up to the point where I know he's not meeting guys. Yet the idea of him talking to people on these sites still bother me, even if they may be innocent and not lead up to anything.

    So now I'm stuck. I don't know if I should just chill out, that this is just how gay guys socially network - nothing more than facebook. It's a miserable place to be in and I would just like to hear some advice or opinions.

    Thanks. icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 28, 2011 9:30 PM GMT
    If my boyfriend and I were in a committed, monogamous relationship, and no one were allowed to hook up with another guy, I'd definitely be worried. The reason being Grindr is a hookup app, no doubt about it. It's EXTREMELY easy to find a sex buddy on Grindr. And even if you're not looking, the temptation is there. Some guys pretend that they're not looking to hook up (and often times their profile would even say that explicitly), and yet these are the same guys that would often ask me if I'm looking to have fun. Grindr is not myspace, linkedin, or facebook--make no mistake about that.
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    Feb 28, 2011 10:18 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidIf my boyfriend and I were in a committed, monogamous relationship, and no one were allowed to hook up with another guy, I'd definitely be worried. The reason being Grindr is a hookup app, no doubt about it. It's EXTREMELY easy to find a sex buddy on Grindr. And even if you're not looking, the temptation is there. Some guys pretend that they're not looking to hook up (and often times their profile would even say that explicitly), and yet these are the same guys that would often ask me if I'm looking to have fun. Grindr is not myspace, linkedin, or facebook--make no mistake about that.


    That is true, at the same time I have found friends off of Grindr, not many but have found some.

    To the OP, he may just want to get out a bit in all reality. Have you asked him why he wants to be on Grindr? That may help clear the air a bit. Either way, it is tough for you to say you trust him if you are snooping for him on these mediums.
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    Feb 28, 2011 10:48 PM GMT
    I've asked him and he says it's not a big deal, he thinks it's interesting to see who is around him and that I don't have to worry since he's not talking to guys or meeting them.

    I really don't think he's looking to meet anyone, but at the same time finding him on grindr makes me really insecure. It's gotten to the point in our relationship that he's told me so many times not to worry (if not grindr, then manhunt, etc.) that he gets mad and short with me whenever I bring it up and want to talk about it... that the problem is my insecurity and lack of trust.

    Part of me says it's grindr, of course I have reason to be concerned and to ask him. It's a hookup app! But The other part of me trusts he's not doing anything actually harmful - maybe talking to guys - but nothing really to betray my trust so why worry?

    It's a back and forth thing in my head and it hurts. I signed up for grindr to see if he had it. He did, and I immediately asked him about it. But now I can't help keep signing back on to see if he's online.
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    Feb 28, 2011 11:01 PM GMT
    He may be telling the truth and is not interested in hooking up or meeting anyone on there. Perhaps he just likes to flirt?

    I know people who have girlfriends (straight folks) and still flirt with other girls simply because they like to do it. Sometimes they do it without even thinking about it anymore, it just comes natural. Harmless fun for them.

    Does your boyfriend like to flirt?
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    Feb 28, 2011 11:10 PM GMT
    As anyone would, I'm sure he enjoys the temporary ego-stroke from some good, harmless flirting. He's not a flirt in person. He's quite introverted and shy around people he doesn't know.

    But he doesn't tell me the reason why he goes on grindr. All he tells me is that I shouldn't be worried, he's not chatting and meeting with anyone. He tells me what he's NOT doing, but not what he actually does.

    It's almost as if he's asking me to back off... like if I have nothing to worry about, I should just drop the subject and let it be. But it's easier said than done...
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    Feb 28, 2011 11:21 PM GMT
    ehh, that’s a tough position to be in. I would be pulling my hair out as well. Frankly if he is not willing to give up his hookup sites for the stability of the relationship and your peace of mind then I would say he's not worth your time. Ask for access to the account? If he has nothing to hide then he'll give it to you.

    He's playing the typical "you don't trust me" card. I would be honest with him say "No, I do NOT trust your intentions. You're being evasive", and see what he has to say. I've seen guys do the same thing your boyfriend is doing. They create faceless profiles on hookup sites, start taking to someone and exchange pictures then cheat. Oldest trick in the book. If he's arguing that he's only looking at eye candy...well that’s a weak excuse. If he is interested in looking at guys why not look at porn? Must better quality then what one finds on hookup sites.

    But, if someone wants to cheat there is little you can do to stop them. You can tie a rope around their neck and try to take away any and all temptation but eventually he's going to have the opportunity. Hell you can meet someone in a library or in a check out line, not just online. I personally refuse to date someone who I feel I have to "police" or baby-sit so I would think about moving on.
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    Feb 28, 2011 11:37 PM GMT
    Watermelons saidHe may be telling the truth and is not interested in hooking up or meeting anyone on there. Perhaps he just likes to flirt?

    I know people who have girlfriends (straight folks) and still flirt with other girls simply because they like to do it. Sometimes they do it without even thinking about it anymore, it just comes natural. Harmless fun for them.

    Does your boyfriend like to flirt?


    You could be right man, I'm not taking anything away from your post but in my experience I've never heard of a story where someone flirts with / exchanges pics on a hookup site, then when its time meet up says "sorry I have a boyfriend, I was just fucking with you"
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 01, 2011 12:12 AM GMT
    A member at RJ in the chatroom suggested that I just trust him 100%. It'll be hard considering Grindr and manhunt obviously raise questions, but then again, I have no evidence of any wrong-doing.

    I'm sick of snooping around and checking if he's online on those sites, it's not good for me or for anyone.

    My bf and I had a big fight over it. And I think ultimately he gets mad because I'm not showing confidence in him.

    God technologies like manhunt and grindr make relationships hard...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 01, 2011 12:42 AM GMT
    chayce saidA member at RJ in the chatroom suggested that I just trust him 100%. It'll be hard considering Grindr and manhunt obviously raise questions, but then again, I have no evidence of any wrong-doing.

    I'm sick of snooping around and checking if he's online on those sites, it's not good for me or for anyone.

    My bf and I had a big fight over it. And I think ultimately he gets mad because I'm not showing confidence in him.

    God technologies like manhunt and grindr make relationships hard...


    At the same time, if it pisses you off to such an extent, he probably should be more sensitive to your needs. Even if he's not hooking up, he's causing you emotional distress, which is probably not what you need from a relationship. icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 01, 2011 12:51 AM GMT
    Yeah, it's causing me emotional distress. I'm not going to lie. But what's so distressful about it? I ask myself and quite frankly, it's the fear that he's going to find someone more attractive, someone "better". That says more about my lack of trust in him, my insecurities, and my pride.

    To feel the need to be so suspicious is quite possibly one of the most draining things ever. It's as if I'm monitoring his grindr usage, not out of curiosity, but out of the preconceived idea that he's doing something wrong and I'm going to catch him for it. In reality, I haven't found shit...

    I just want to let go and trust whatever he's doing. Like I said before, when we're not arguing about things like manhunt or grindr (which I initiate), I feel great.

    If he's really doing something bad, it'll surface eventually. But until I actually have evidence presenting itself to me,what can I do but worry and worry and worry?
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    Mar 01, 2011 1:10 AM GMT
    cold saidI would be very bothered and probably suggest to him that he delete the accounts.

    If this is making you so upset and putting stress on the relationship, to me, it seems like he values his dating/hookup profiles more than you. If you've talked about being completely monogamous, I don't really see this as a trust issue - I see this as him being unreasonable.


    We are completely monogamous. He even gets jealous and possessive when other people check me out.

    I guess the trust thing factors in because he might not being doing anything wrong anyway and the fact that I'm upset is because I'm thinking the worst, which shows my own lack of trust?

    I don't know
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 01, 2011 2:45 AM GMT
    The problem I would have with a boyfriend on Grinder, or Manhunt, is where is more than what he is doing. While he may not be looking to cheat, most of the other guys are looking to date or hook up on Grinder and Manhunt. If he wants to make friends and chat, there are other venues that aren't so directly geared towards finding someone else. It would seem like he's looking to cheat or look for a replacement for you by being there, particularly since he's not upfront about it.
    He sounds defensive about being on Grindr. He accuses you about not trusting him. Why not ask him why he needs to be on Grindr (and feels the need to hide it from you). Talk to him about why he needs to use his app to get at the heart of the issue between you too.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 01, 2011 2:48 AM GMT
    Take it from a guy who was cheated on this very way....believing all the bullshit.

    DITCH THE JERK! HE IS SHOPPING AROUND FOR SOMETHING "BETTER"!

    U DON'T DESERVE TO BE LIED TO!

    No?

    1. So it's now bad enough you are going online to look all the time.

    2. He KNOWS it hurts you and still chooses to do it and then claims the fault is yours and gives you a bullshit excuse of why it's your fault.

    3. the sole purpose of Manhunt

    4. the sole purpose of Grindr

    lets see....2 + 2 = 4...yup......the math adds up!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 01, 2011 2:53 AM GMT
    Dump him.
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    Mar 01, 2011 3:05 AM GMT
    My ex had an issue with me having grindr on my phone. i couldn't really understand why since i had no intentions on cheating on him. i just thought it was a fun app since its like a gay detector. you goto the airport and turn it on to see how many gays are around and that was it. purely an innocent tech toy in my mind. he got really upset regardless of how i tried to explain my perspective of it. he wanted me to get rid of it which i found to be really annoying. I didnt delete it of course it but he got over it. that was that. we broke up for a totally different reason.
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    Mar 01, 2011 3:09 AM GMT
    My guy sometimes goes on Adam and it drives me crazy.. he says he has no intentions to do anything that he is faithful blah blah and that i just have to trust him... icon_evil.gif
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    Mar 01, 2011 3:10 AM GMT
    Oh bullshit, those are for hooking up!! Maybe he hasn't hooked up, but he most likely has. He's just waiting for something to come along he can't pass up. That's the same as going to a bar and flirting with a guy right in front if you, or constantly watching the door or other guys. Dump him, he's a skeevy perv, I had the exact same thing happen to me, and guess what he WAS cheating all while telling me he wasn't.
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    Mar 01, 2011 3:12 AM GMT
    Dude face it, it is a matter of control...let him chat to who he wants to, can he hang with his gay friends w/o you around or do you get upset about that too? If he is not sleeping around what's the issue. My ex still went on gay.com and other site while we were dating but did not bother me a bit, nor did me being on site bother him. We have a small gay community here and so the sites gave us a way to talk to other gay guys.
  • Runningrass

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    Mar 01, 2011 3:13 AM GMT
    I've been on Grindr for over a year and haven't ever hooked up w/ anyone on there. I'm not looking to hook up and I simply find it to be a form of entertainment when I'm riding the bus or something. I've made a couple of friends on there, but that's after a number of conversations and actually hanging out and it hasn't gone beyond that.

    I was dating a guy for several months and he didn't like that I was on there either. He was a little insecure in our relationship and got really jealous about it. I offered him full access to my account to see all my messages and stuff (while we were together I'd tell guys right off the bat that I had a bf and wasn't looking for anything more than friends). It was really hard b/c I had no intentions whatsoever of being unfaithful to him, yet I felt like he didn't trust me. I started cutting back my usage and that helped some, but it was such a habit to go on there whenever I was bored to see who was close-by or if any of my friends were on to chat that I couldn't just quit cold-turkey.

    Be patient w/ him and try to come to find some sort of mutual ground. Meet in the middle. It's not worth screwing up a good relationship over it.
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    Mar 01, 2011 3:14 AM GMT
    i use grindr to actually meet other gay teens around me, no sex involved...
  • TheIStrat

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    Mar 01, 2011 3:15 AM GMT
    Rip out his testicles and eat them in front of him
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    Mar 01, 2011 3:17 AM GMT
    Bullshit Bullshit Bullshit, he's waiting for the next thing. If you hired someone and they told you "oh I love my job!!" and you found out they were posting their resume on job finding sites you would fire the fucker!! You're in a relationship and he is using hookup sites, DUMP HIM
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Mar 01, 2011 3:20 AM GMT
    Wanna' go on GRINDR, cool, but the listing says "US" and "WE" in all references and the profile pic is the two of us together. No exceptions.
    A4A same, Scruff, you name it. Truth in advertising, no fine print.

    I trust you. I trust that you will tell me about it and not hide it. I trust that when I ask for stories, you will tell me the stories, and I trust that when you chat, I will get to read it and find out what it's all about. Share and share alike. If you're going to add that element of erotic flirtation to your fantasy, then you share it with me, because you have nothing to hide.

    Otherwise, get your ass and your belongings packed and out of the house before you so much as click on one more profile. Period.

    A lie of the mind is a lie - and if he's fantasizing about being single again, hey, make his fucking fantasy come true. Turn his sorry disrespectful ass single and put up a profile of your own that says as much.

    No, it's NOT okay.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 01, 2011 3:21 AM GMT
    It seems , you are having a trust problem with your boyfriend .....and you are stressing your relationship .....
    If you are doubting your partner intentions , it might be the time to move on .......icon_sad.gif