Recently out: and finding it rough

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 02, 2011 1:57 AM GMT
    Hi guys,

    I recently came out after a long battle with my sexuality, and in the process, ended up losing a fair amount of friends who couldn't cope with me being gay. I guess I'm in a wilderness period where I'm adjustiing yet while really happy I'm gay etc, need to rebuild my life in a way.

    How did you guys cope? Advice would be so appreciated.
  • RDM85

    Posts: 7

    Mar 02, 2011 3:20 AM GMT
    I am about to fly back home this upcoming weekend and come out to my family and a few friends. I am extremely nervous about it and have spoken with several poeple who have recently come out themselves. They have all told me that if they are true friends they will not turn their back on you. Sorry to hear you have lost friends. I am hopin this is not the case for me. I am interested in this thread as well and want to hear how people have kpet/lost relationships with friends/family after coming out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 02, 2011 3:31 AM GMT
    blactor saidHi guys,

    I recently came out after a long battle with my sexuality, and in the process, ended up losing a fair amount of friends who couldn't cope with me being gay. I guess I'm in a wilderness period where I'm adjustiing yet while really happy I'm gay etc, need to rebuild my life in a way.

    How did you guys cope? Advice would be so appreciated.

    I created a whole new set of friends, gay and gay-friendly ones, whom I like much better. I never really had very good friends when I was straight, anyway, so not a great loss. And it wasn't so much that they dropped me, but that I lost interest in them.

    You're in the process of reinventing yourself as a gay man -- expect that you may have to reinvent some of your friendships, too. But in the long run you'll find it'll be a better fit, and you'll be happier.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 02, 2011 3:39 AM GMT
    My parents took it hard at first but they've come around and it's something we just don't talk about. I mostly pushed my friends away bc I was outted "on accident" by a drunk friend at a bar. I was embarrassed and definitely not ready for them to know yet bc I was still getting used to my parents just finding out. Eventually one by one they all came back bc someone's sexual preference doesn't erase the good times you had w you're friends! Anyone willing to cut you off for any reason is not worth you're time. Feels good to not live a lie and it's gonna be hard and awkward at first but you'll come around and really start enjoying you're lives. Good luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 02, 2011 3:42 AM GMT
    If you lost some friends after you came out....then they weren't friends to begin with. It'll get better. Glad that you are out and that you are happy with your decision to come out. Life will be much better for you....I'm sure of it. icon_biggrin.gif
  • XxXxXxAZNxXxX...

    Posts: 615

    Mar 02, 2011 3:43 AM GMT
    First: CONGRATS ON COMING OUT (you'll get your starter kit in 3-4 business days ;p)
    Second: I have no advice b/c I haven't come out yet...certain ppl say it's freeing, while others say its worse that being in the closet.
    I am interested in seeing what people say how they cope or coming out stories. I hope that someday I'll be strong enough to be myself.
  • LuckyGuyKC

    Posts: 2080

    Mar 02, 2011 3:49 AM GMT
    Alan Townes wrote in his book The Velvet Rage (which I highly recommend) that people that abandon you because of your sexuality were going to abandon you anyway - they are just using your sexuality as an excuse to do it now (paraphrase).

    I find that reasoning to be true in my life about a whole lot of topics.

    My best wishes to you.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Mar 02, 2011 3:52 AM GMT
    I certainly would encourage you to reach out to some gay related organizations, credibly run and in need of donated time. You certainly would be welcome, probably find the time well spent and will start meeting some new friends. I'd pass on the bars.
  • Brando

    Posts: 161

    Mar 02, 2011 4:10 AM GMT
    Really sorry to hear this man. I can't really give you advice since I'm not out to my family either. :^/ I wish there was something to do to help, but if your rebuilding your life and your friends, at least, we can be buds online.

    Some of my favorite family members are homophobic and one is racist onop of that. Hints one of the biggest reasons I haven't came out. Hopefully, when i m ready to, not only ill they accept me, hopefully they'll change their views. ..but then again, that's asking a lot.

    Take it easy man.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 02, 2011 4:16 AM GMT
    Nothing of value comes w/out wrk. The friends who remain are the ones who appreciate who you are as a person and the ones who strayed... Their loss! Congrats on your courage and enjoy your newly found freedom
    Hill
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 02, 2011 4:18 AM GMT
    You yourself referenced the fact that you feel like starting all over and in many aspects that is exactly what you are doing. Think more of it as being a caterpillar transforming into the butterfly...the 'friends' were only associates and don't fall under the true definition of a friend, so don't lose any sleep over them.

    Take lots and lots of baby steps,......you have indeed started a new life and you are just learning how to walk after crawling....so just a day at a time...you will be amazed at what lies ahead for you...think good thoughts, keep a positive outlook and love every day of your new life......Keithicon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 02, 2011 4:30 AM GMT
    Congrats on mustering the courage, it takes a lot but it's definitely worth the struggle. The best I can really say is that if you lose friends over being gay, then they weren't really friends in the first place.

    I was fairly fortunate when I came out. I didn't lose any of my friends. I told them that I am still the same person and that I'm trusting them with more to know about me. It's just one more little bit of knowledge about who I am.

    The world is moving on, becoming more understanding, and more accepting. If your friends aren't gonna do it now, they'll surely catch up in the future.

    Stay strong and keep going!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 02, 2011 4:53 AM GMT
    Recently I found myself 'out in the wilderness' a bit too. I joined a gay volleyball league. My teammates are wonderfully supportive and understanding. Here, you've already begun surrounding yourself with your new gay family.

    Congratulations on taking the first step in your new life!

    icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 02, 2011 4:59 AM GMT
    I think I'm lucky in my coming out, no one seems to care or has cared, but then again I surround myself with decent, down to earth folk. Some even thought I was playing a prank, which I'm known to do, but after years have realized, oh he's not fuckin around with us. Trust me, its not as bad as it seems and it gets easier. I couldn't even say the words "I'm gay" the first few times. The friends who accept it you will find yourself closer and better friends with them afterwards; those who do care..... Fuck 'em, you're better off without them
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 02, 2011 5:00 AM GMT
    I was fortunate enough that all my friends stuck around. I remember one straight buddy saying, "that's fine, I still love you. Don't expect to love you anymore than I already do, JUST because you're gay" lol.

    As for the friends who couldn't cope... while they may have been good friends before, they would've never been good for you in the long run if it meant you had to continue to hide your sexuality.

    I'm glad to hear you're still stoked about coming out though. It's like entering a new school where you're the new kid. It takes time and it's intimidating, but you'll eventually make some good friends, you'll eventually integrate.

    I find that a lot of gay guys make friends through social networking sites. I know a lot of those sites are catered towards hook-ups, but there are people who are just interested in chatting and meeting platonic friends.

    You will be fine. It's a daunting task, but I'm almost excited for you!

    Best
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 02, 2011 5:04 AM GMT
    you may not have lost em' all, just blew their minds a bit, I told my best friend, at first it was all good, but he just couldn't believe it, but bout 3 days later he freaked a little, can't blame him, he thought i was totally straight, we were even fuckin the same girl for a while, it's been kina weird since, but gettin better, i seriously doubt it will ever b the same tho. it was to be honest, one of the hardest things i've ever done, i still have yet to tell the fam, dunno if i ever will actually. Don't be too quick to write ur friends off, u dropped a serious bomb on them, when u tell somebody somethin like that an they have no clue it shakes them to the core, so be patient an don't feel bad if they can't understand or accept it, they might in time. good luck man.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 02, 2011 6:15 AM GMT
    Congrats on coming out!

    I'm sorry that you had to deal with that. You're better off knowing now that the people you thought were your friends only liked you when you weren't really you.
    In a way, it's a blessing. Rebuild your network of friends how you want. Look at activities you enjoy doing and find a gay group in your area for those activities-- gay professional group, gay running club, gay football enthusiasts, gay volunteer, etc.

    Since you recently came out, it will help to have a few gay friends in your life.

    Most of my friends were fairly supportive or indifferent. Things went pretty well for the most part. The hardest for me was with my brother, who's a bible-thumper. He wants to hear about my love life about as much as I want to hear his latest sermon. Regardless, he's my only brother and I love him and he me, even though we drive each other crazy sometimes.
    My brother has met and liked both ex-boyfriends that I introduced to him, so go figure.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 02, 2011 6:26 AM GMT
    Congrats on coming out!
    It's never been much of an issue for me but I still refuse to say "I'm gay" because of what that term has come to mean. You could see a psychologist or join a gay discussion group at your local GLBT office...

    ...and if you're feeling lonely... I'm not apposed to flying over their to provide you with some (nonsexual) company in exchange for your hand in matrimony-
    It's a win-win!
    You get companion to guide you through your journey, like Sam to Frodo, and I get a blue card. Win Win! icon_cool.gif


  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 02, 2011 7:50 AM GMT
    Thanks for all your reponses, guys. Its been a rough tim, and I ended up in hook ups. Online. I'm trying to get away from that now as it just makes me feel cheap and slutty. I think its due to loneliness and having repressed it for so long. I'm gonna try a gay sports team or something. The biggesr issue was that I've come from a christian background but I don't think there's anything wrong with being gay at all. I didn't choose it.

    Thanks for all your messages, you all seem like cool guys.
  • Bunjamon

    Posts: 3161

    Mar 02, 2011 8:00 AM GMT
    Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 02, 2011 11:27 AM GMT
    blactor saidThanks for all your reponses, guys. Its been a rough tim, and I ended up in hook ups. Online. I'm trying to get away from that now as it just makes me feel cheap and slutty. I think its due to loneliness and having repressed it for so long. I'm gonna try a gay sports team or something. The biggesr issue was that I've come from a christian background but I don't think there's anything wrong with being gay at all. I didn't choose it.

    Thanks for all your messages, you all seem like cool guys.


    Hey man,

    CONGRATULATIONS on coming out! As some mentioned, the packet's in the mail and we pay dues monthly depending on the purpose and mission of the project. Fortunately, all proceeds will go to helping others dress well and working out for the better of the human race. To more important issues: coming out is the end of one time and the beginning of a new one. Did you ever move far away from a location for several years and return. It's a different perspective and feeling upon returning, right? If not, let me tell you change. Coming out is similar. The men on RJ have come out and survived. We all have different stories about the process, too. Some men came out without a scar, others did, and then, others fall into the somewhat scarred but not dead yet category. Overall, you're in positive company. It's not easy and trust us all when we say, IT GETS EASIER.

    As a Christian myself, I have not found any reason why sexuality matters, so i'm happy you, too, have not beaten yourself up as a Chrisitan on this matter. Grow. Kiss. Love. We're all here building ourselves up and loving each other in the process.

    Mike
  • massbuildah

    Posts: 276

    Mar 02, 2011 11:37 AM GMT
    fivetenn said
    blactor saidThanks for all your reponses, guys. Its been a rough tim, and I ended up in hook ups. Online. I'm trying to get away from that now as it just makes me feel cheap and slutty. I think its due to loneliness and having repressed it for so long. I'm gonna try a gay sports team or something. The biggesr issue was that I've come from a christian background but I don't think there's anything wrong with being gay at all. I didn't choose it.

    Thanks for all your messages, you all seem like cool guys.


    Hey man,

    CONGRATULATIONS on coming out! As some mentioned, the packet's in the mail and we pay dues monthly depending on the purpose and mission of the project. Fortunately, all proceeds will go to helping others dress well and working out for the better of the human race. To more important issues: coming out is the end of one time and the beginning of a new one. Did you ever move far away from a location for several years and return. It's a different perspective and feeling upon returning, right? If not, let me tell you change. Coming out is similar. The men on RJ have come out and survived. We all have different stories about the process, too. Some men came out without a scar, others did, and then, others fall into the somewhat scarred but not dead yet category. Overall, you're in positive company. It's not easy and trust us all when we say, IT GETS EASIER.

    As a Christian myself, I have not found any reason why sexuality matters, so i'm happy you, too, have not beaten yourself up as a Chrisitan on this matter. Grow. Kiss. Love. We're all here building ourselves up and loving each other in the process.

    Mike



    Well said Mike!

    To you Blactor, and everyone else out there struggling, just know that so many people in this RJ community are behind you and support you. Coming out is not an easy process but its one that will always feel right on the inside. Be proud of yourself for each step you take. Make the decision to forgive the friends that can't understand. They may need time to cope as it's a big change for their life as well. Doesn't mean they'll all run and hide. The best of friends will stand by you, eventually, if not right away. Good luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 03, 2011 7:05 AM GMT
    Guys

    Thank you. I'm pretty staggered at the warmth and good will by so many guys on these boards. You're all really cool.