I still haven't come out to my parents and I'm 25!!!

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    Mar 07, 2011 12:54 AM GMT
    Is this normal? Most gay guys I know either came out while still in high school or shortly thereafter. Me? I still haven't told my parents. Even though I feel in their hearts they know, I've never made it official.

    I'm ashamed of my homosexuality still...I feel like less of a man every time I tell someone. And frankly, I don't know if I could stomach my mother's reaction. Her only son....gay. Fuck, that's got to be a majorly, majorly devastating revelation.

    I know we have to be true to ourselves, but my mom means the world to me and I don't want to disappoint her. I don't think I'll ever come out.
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    Mar 07, 2011 1:04 AM GMT
    SEC1986 saidFuck, that's got to be a majorly, majorly devastating revelation.


    Why is that?
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    Mar 07, 2011 1:05 AM GMT
    You can't live your life for another. At first, it's highly possible your mother will be upset (hell, you know her better than I do so are more likely to gauge her reaction) but this is your life and you need to live it the way you want to. I'm sure all she wants is to see her only son happy and not living in shame and fear for the rest of his days.

    As for the timing of you coming out, it's a personal thing. You can only do it when you feel ready, whether that's at high school or when you're a hundred it's all about you. There's no need to feel pressured into doing it before you're ready, just do it when you feel it's right.
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    Mar 07, 2011 1:10 AM GMT
    SEC1986 saidIs this normal? Most gay guys I know either came out while still in high school or shortly thereafter. Me? I still haven't told my parents. Even though I feel in their hearts they know, I've never made it official.

    I'm ashamed of my homosexuality still...I feel like less of a man every time I tell someone. And frankly, I don't know if I could stomach my mother's reaction. Her only son....gay. Fuck, that's got to be a majorly, majorly devastating revelation.

    I know we have to be true to ourselves, but my mom means the world to me and I don't want to disappoint her. I don't think I'll ever come out.


    I didn't come out until I was 29 and when I did, rather than tell everyone point blank "I'm Gay" I took them to a few classy gay restaurants I frequented and just acted as if they already knew. I didn't feel it was fair to put them on the spot when I also knew they could probably tell anyways. This way I wasn't insulting anyone's intuition and made them feel comfortable by my feeling comfortable enough to share that part of my life with them. I never had one bad vibe so just take your time and do it for the right reasons, not because you are seeking others to validate you.
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    Mar 07, 2011 1:11 AM GMT
    There's no specific time to come out. It's when you're ready. I just recently came out to my parents less than a year ago and I'm 28. Be prepared for all scenarios. Time will only tell. My parents told me, "You're still our son, and nothing will change that. We Love You."
  • RDM85

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    Mar 07, 2011 1:12 AM GMT
    I am 25 and just came out yesterday to my family and it feels fantastic!!!!! It feels great to be myself and happy with it. I agree that everyone has their own timing, but I can guarantee you that all your parents want is for you to be happy. My family is just glad I am healthy, happy, and comfortable in my own shoes. Take your time and just make sure you are ready.
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    Mar 07, 2011 1:16 AM GMT
    Seems like you have to resolve your own issues with being gay before you can feel comfortable coming out to others.

    "...I feel like less of a man every time I tell someone" ... this is serious internalized homophobia. You have to come to terms with the fact that all the world has been telling you about being gay is WRONG. You are a perfect man being gay.
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    Mar 07, 2011 1:22 AM GMT
    You'll know when the time is right, but don't let it pass you by.
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    Mar 07, 2011 1:22 AM GMT
    Caslon17000 saidSeems like you have to resolve your own issues with being gay before you can feel comfortable coming out to others.

    "...I feel like less of a man every time I tell someone" ... this is serious internalized homophobia. You have to come to terms with the fact that all the world has been telling you about being gay is WRONG. You are a perfect man being gay.
    Agreed. Feeling like less of a man for any reason other than getting a gender change is total bullshit.
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    Mar 07, 2011 1:22 AM GMT
    SEC1986 saidIs this normal? Most gay guys I know either came out while still in high school or shortly thereafter. Me? I still haven't told my parents. Even though I feel in their hearts they know, I've never made it official.

    I'm ashamed of my homosexuality still...I feel like less of a man every time I tell someone. And frankly, I don't know if I could stomach my mother's reaction. Her only son....gay. Fuck, that's got to be a majorly, majorly devastating revelation.

    I know we have to be true to ourselves, but my mom means the world to me and I don't want to disappoint her. I don't think I'll ever come out.

    Your parents, especially your mom, already knows. Just go with the flow and behave as you would. The timing and conversations will click one day, and everything will be normal. All those negative notions are all in your head.
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    Mar 07, 2011 1:48 AM GMT
    i'm pretty sure your mom knows already. i'm 35 and have never had that talk with my parents.......but i'm pretty sure they know.......they gave up the "when are you going to settle down and start a family" questions at least 10 years ago. It seems to be easier for them not to talk about that......and quite frankly, i could not stomach hearing my mother ask me the "so are you the man or the woman" question?
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Mar 07, 2011 1:59 AM GMT
    SEC1986 saidIs this normal? Most gay guys I know either came out while still in high school or shortly thereafter. Me? I still haven't told my parents. Even though I feel in their hearts they know, I've never made it official.

    I'm ashamed of my homosexuality still...I feel like less of a man every time I tell someone. And frankly, I don't know if I could stomach my mother's reaction. Her only son....gay. Fuck, that's got to be a majorly, majorly devastating revelation.

    I know we have to be true to ourselves, but my mom means the world to me and I don't want to disappoint her. I don't think I'll ever come out.


    Why do you feel less of a man every time you come out to someone?

    I was 32, I think before I came out to anyone. Your normal. Don't worry about it. I had a very hard time trying to accept myself, and the way you feel about your mother was the way I felt. I thought my parents would commit suicide if they were told I was gay. It did upset them, but they are OK, and seem to have accepted my partner into the family. Things may look worse than the are.

    You can email me if you like from my profile. I wish I had someone to talk to back then, as it is a very lonely place to be, so feel free to mail me any time you like. maybe I can help. You are normal icon_smile.gif
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    Mar 07, 2011 2:02 AM GMT
    SEC1986 saidHer only son....gay. Fuck, that's got to be a majorly, majorly devastating revelation.
    It could be worse. You could be an axe murderer or serial rapist or a Priest.
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    Mar 07, 2011 2:09 AM GMT
    ScottSometimes saidi'm pretty sure your mom knows already. i'm 35 and have never had that talk with my parents.......but i'm pretty sure they know.......they gave up the "when are you going to settle down and start a family" questions at least 10 years ago. It seems to be easier for them not to talk about that......and quite frankly, i could not stomach hearing my mother ask me the "so are you the man or the woman" question?



    LOL that's funny. I've accepted the fact that I want to share a deep connection with another man. But I'm not comfortable in my own skin at all...my sexuality is a constant source of anxiety. As for parents already knowing, I got caught looking at gay porn twice when I was 12! They know, they just don't want to know.

    In any case, I guess I'm just not ready to come out yet.
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    Mar 07, 2011 2:10 AM GMT
    I think you're not as behind the curve as you might believe. Last month I met a 30 year old who hasn't come out to anyone other than his online tricks and a guy he sort of dated in another city. The sad thing is, he's smart, has a good job and is quite good looking. A great catch. But he's heavily snared in a sense of family obligation and fear of rejection...and it has basically paralyzed his ability to progress in life. It's sad. I tried to be a sounding board and give him some guidance...but I think he just wanted to have sex and move on. (No I did not have sex with him. I don't believe in facilitating his behavior, especially if he's being truthful that he really wants to move forward, although I think he's bullshit to overflow.)
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Mar 07, 2011 2:12 AM GMT
    A mother's love is unconditional. Who else would clean up your shitty diapers. Dad is the difficult one.
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    Mar 07, 2011 2:18 AM GMT
    SEC1986 said Fuck, that's got to be a majorly, majorly devastating revelation.
    I know we have to be true to ourselves, but my mom means the world to me and I don't want to disappoint her. I don't think I'll ever come out.

    Just how much of a revelation do you think it really would be at this point? 25 and no steady girlfriend? Do your parents lack the power to make totally obvious deductions?
    If you really do love them you'll spare them the anxiety of always worrying when the shoe is going to drop. There may well be some painful moments but in the end you'll know you are loved for who you are. And you'll be closer to them because you'll be able to include them in what's actually going on in your life.

    I came out to my parents at 25 and that's how it went.
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    Mar 07, 2011 2:22 AM GMT
    SEC1986 said But I'm not comfortable in my own skin at all...my sexuality is a constant source of anxiety.
    Well that's plainly obvious!
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Mar 07, 2011 2:23 AM GMT
    your life is YOUR life, not your family's.

    come out to them WHEN you want to; IF you want to.


    icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 07, 2011 2:25 AM GMT
    didn't come out to my dad til i was 59. Never got the chance to tell my mom but somehow, like all moms, I think she already knew...........Keithicon_wink.gif
  • OklahomaBreak...

    Posts: 167

    Mar 07, 2011 2:27 AM GMT
    I just came out to my Mom and Aunt. I don't think there is a timeframe just be ready for whatever the response is.
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    Mar 07, 2011 2:30 AM GMT
    I didn't come out to my mom till I was about 26 and she was like "I knew that" and then came out to my office at 27 and they were like "thanks for finally telling us. We have been trying to get you to tell us the past three years."

    We all do it when it is right for us. I could have never done it when I was in high school but now I am so much more comfertable with myself.

    Do it when it's right for you.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Mar 07, 2011 2:32 AM GMT
    There really isn't an "age". You do it if it seems comfortable and appropriate.
    I agree with some of the other above comments, you need to be comfortable with being gay and acceptance of it in general before you can come out to other people. It certainly doesn't mean somehow you are lacking.
    You are still the same talented person you would be otherwise.
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    Mar 07, 2011 2:37 AM GMT
    i am 21 and i havent told my parents oficialy i am gay...icon_confused.gif
    Some people know i am...i really dont care...but i dpnt want to tell my parents yet. It will be long time until they know...ok count with my brother..he is straight, he will give you grandchild...not me...but that will be for long time knowing my brother...hahah
  • XxXxXxAZNxXxX...

    Posts: 615

    Mar 07, 2011 2:45 AM GMT
    DUDE I am totally with u on this. I haven't told my parents yet. I am 21. I don't think age should have anything to do with this though. I feel you should, if ever, come out when you are ready and comfortable with yourself. If it doesn't, oh well. Other people say you HAVE to in order to be happy. I understand that, but I feel that if you just do you, you'll be fine. Everyone is different. Do what makes you happy! icon_smile.gif