Attracting all the wrong guys

  • cookingitswee...

    Posts: 445

    Mar 07, 2011 2:45 AM GMT
    I'm a 21 year old out gay college student who lives in a small town in New Jersey. I hope to move to the city and one. While I'm young I also hope to one day get married and possibly adopt children. Their are not any local hau clubs or other places to meet in my area so I almost always meet guys online.
    I am here because I have had a habit of attracting all the wrong guys into my life and need some advice. Until last year I had low self-esteem and that is one reason why I was dating guys who were not good for me and some treated me very badly. I have managed to boost my self-esteem significantly. I was greatly looking forward to dating with my new confidence and have since gone out with a few guys. None of them were the right fit, but one was nice.
    Two months ago I began talking to a guy online who seemed very nice and cute, and unfortunatly he led me on. I took it as another asshole and moved on. I then found out he was playing me with five guys and grew close to him talking on skype and the phone for a few days. Our first two three conversations were over two hours long and as stupid as it was I found myself blushing at the thought of him. He's 30, cute, and a gentleman. We made plans to meet in spring.
    Then last night we were talking on the phone and I saw a whole different side off him. He came off as rude, beligerant and intimedating. He accused me of being just like the guy who played us, called me a fucking liar, and said I was wrong about some of my preferences. He told me he was tired of being fucking hurt and that I was a liar.
    When I tried to reason with him and asked him how I lied he began to cry and could not answer. He then told me (still crying) that I was adorable, cute, funny, and nice. He almost told me he loved me, which honestly creeped me out. Through out this he talked over me, yelled at me, and scared me.
    I then talk to him about how it's hard when you've been hurt and that I have been too, but hold on for the thought of real love. I explained that I have a less severe case of aspbergers syndrome, a socail disorder that can make trust and interactions hard. He then went "Oh, now I understand you're situation!" I told him it was rude and he said it was not. He then began yelling at me, said I was a fucking liar again. He even said I should die and that he may do it himself when I told him did not think we were right for each other.
    I was very upset, because I can't get a break with guys. that was not the first time that a guy threatened me and that I felt lousy, because of it. I wonder if I am doing someting to get the attention of these guys. I'm also wondering if I should put a hold on dating for a while? What do you guys think?
  • slimnmuscly

    Posts: 557

    Mar 07, 2011 3:19 AM GMT
    Based on this post, which is all I have to go on, you sound fairly self-aware and I would lean toward encouraging you to put yourself out there and keep learning from your experiences. Failures -- and learning from them -- are essential to helping us get closer to success.

    On the other hand, if these experiences are truly damaging I can understand why it might be best to limit your exposure to them.

    But for the most part, my tendency is to say that during your 20s you have to pay your dues a pretty fair amount and part of that includes dating assholes and part of that includes dating good guys and fucking it up because of your own neuroses/baggage. And eventually you hopefully get to a place where you're both a) clear about what you want and b) have the wherewithal to get it.
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    Mar 07, 2011 3:26 AM GMT
    That guy is FUCKED, avoid him like the plague.
    I'm 21 and have symptoms of asperger's, and even though I'm young I have a lot of experience with older guys. If you need advice or anything feel free to message me. If you have MSN or Skype I'm willing to chat there too.
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    Mar 07, 2011 4:52 AM GMT
    You need to see the warning signs. If somone starts cursing at you after 3 conversations its gonna be an abusive road.
  • needleninja

    Posts: 713

    Mar 07, 2011 4:57 AM GMT
    somehow im getting the guys who just have low self esteem or arnt as happy with their life. honestly can i just get a guy who is happy with life and such, cause its a pain in the ass to deal with someone who is depressed most of the time.

    Posts: 1329

    Mar 07, 2011 5:19 AM GMT
    For goodness sake what is going with the young generation of gay men these days? why on Earth would anyone want to put up with verbal abuse? if my boyfriend ever yells or bad mouthed at me I will drop him on the spot!!

    Leandro ♥
  • needleninja

    Posts: 713

    Mar 07, 2011 5:26 AM GMT
    LEANDRO_NJ saidFor goodness sake what is going with the young generation of gay men these days? why on Earth would anyone want to put up with verbal abuse? if my boyfriend ever yells or bad mouthed at me I will drop him on the spot!!

    Leandro ♥

    oooh that i would do too. idk what it is either, but abuse is a pretty nasty thing that passes down.
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    Mar 07, 2011 5:27 AM GMT
    he sounded like a level 9 clinger. after three conversations and a guy is ready to tell you he loves you it's time to call it quits.
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    Mar 07, 2011 8:46 AM GMT
    well least y'all can get a guy...these guys here seem intimidated by me so they won't come up to me even when they are staring hardcore. And the guys I tend to met all ready have a bf or their straight or in a different state fml...can I get a
  • coastguy90814

    Posts: 661

    Mar 07, 2011 9:46 AM GMT
    post your picture first before I reply to someone I can't even see, just a pet peeve.
  • Nayro

    Posts: 1825

    Mar 07, 2011 2:47 PM GMT

    not even kidding here, from what you told us he sounds like someone with borderline personality disorder.

    Then again he might just be crazy too
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 07, 2011 2:57 PM GMT
    i agree with all the above-

    the only other good advice i can give is that the power to discern the good from the bad comes with experience.

    we all try to put our best self forward, in the beginning, and so its often hard to see through a guy's dating-mask to the disfunction underneath. now, that's not to saw we don't ALL have disfunction- we all have demons and emotional scars and insecurities; BUT- some guys are driven by theirs and the tonnage of that baggage isn't fair for anyone to have to shoulder.

    some early warning signs: bringing up past dysfunctional relationships or personal history/talk of being hurt and wounded by the past- on a first or second date!

    overly-developed secrecy, hesitation to give you any control (giving a cell number, etc)

    saying they want a real, healthy relationship... but at the same time being markedly emotionally constipated and protective

    flash-pan anger outbursts. cursing at you- ever. you're there to support your man and be in his corner for him, but never to be his emotional punching bag; verbally or physically. a man can vent his bad day TO you, not AT you. draw that distinguishing line on day one and stick to it.

    these are just some starter-ideas... you'll learn your own rules of thumb as you gain dating experience. right now, to answer the post's main question:

    you're just currently naive enough that these guys sense you will eat up their bullshit, so they flock to you like moths to a flame.
  • cookingitswee...

    Posts: 445

    Mar 08, 2011 3:41 AM GMT
    Thanks for all the replies guys, just so you know I let it be and have moved on. Still it is very tough for me to trust guys when most of them are verbally abusive towards me. I'm still unsure as to why this is and hope to one day figure out why I am attracting such people. Being that I am more confident now I am surprised that I still find myself meeting these guys.
    I am often told I'm cute, funny, and nice and am more confident than ever. I exercise often and like to go out so I don't understand why I'm in this situation.