Being needy and clingy in a relationship... how to get over it?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 07, 2011 10:09 PM GMT
    Hi guys,

    I have a problem that's been causing some strain in my relationship. Whenever I'm spending time with my boyfriend, I'm always craving his attention and affection. I get frustrated and short with him when he doesn't satisfy these cravings. I guess I crave his affection because I want reassurance that he cares. So the moment he doesn't pile it on to fit my expectations, I get cranky and short.

    It's not that he doesn't care either. When he sees that my mood is off, he'll nudge me look me in the eye and sweetly ask if I'm okay. He's affectionate too - it's just that his physical gestures are passing and short (and they've always been this way from the start).

    Anyway, have you guys ever felt you were in this needy, dependent position where you need a hell of a lot more reassurance than your boyfriends? How do you get past it?
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Mar 07, 2011 10:14 PM GMT
    If you can't let it go on your own, go see a therapist or a counselor to talk about it. It could be rooted in something deeper.

    I wouldn't take it lightly, though. That kind of behavior is not conducive to a lasting, healthy relationship.
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    Mar 08, 2011 2:03 AM GMT
    Timberoo saidIf you can't let it go on your own, go see a therapist or a counselor to talk about it. It could be rooted in something deeper.

    I wouldn't take it lightly, though. That kind of behavior is not conducive to a lasting, healthy relationship.

    That

    and, talk to your boyfriend about your needs and ask him whether you meet all his needs.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 08, 2011 2:05 AM GMT
    Likely because of an insecure attachment style..... which is sort of how you relate to, and attach to others.

    From what you said, you sound like:

    Anxious–preoccupied attachment

    People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to agree with the following statements: "I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them." People with this style of attachment seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from their partners. They sometimes value intimacy to such an extent that they become overly dependent on their partners—a condition colloquially termed clinginess. Compared to securely attached people, people who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to have less positive views about themselves. They often doubt their worth as a partner and blame themselves for their partners' lack of responsiveness. People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment may exhibit high levels of emotional expressiveness, worry, and impulsiveness in their relationships.


    Therapy can help icon_smile.gif
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Mar 08, 2011 2:10 AM GMT
    The problem isn't with him, it's with you. You're having anxiety and self-worth issues over being gay, and projecting them onto his behaviour. Find a therapist who can help you resolve your issues and make you feel loveable. Your are loveable! Really!
  • XxXxXxAZNxXxX...

    Posts: 615

    Mar 08, 2011 2:16 AM GMT
    I'M TOTALLY THE SAME WAY!

    I don't know why! I hate being the fem person in the relationship or acting as if I need it, but it makes it seem more real. When he doesn't pay attention to you, you feel unimportant, ugly, and disposable and that the relationship won't last that long. I don't know how to otherwise make him want me more. I try to do more, but it doesn't seem to help. I think the best thing would be to just let him know how you feel. The only problem is that I'm sure you don't want to force him to want to spend time with you or initiate everything. SO DUMB I SWEAR!
  • Asmodeus

    Posts: 178

    Mar 08, 2011 2:36 AM GMT
    needy = turn-off
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 08, 2011 2:36 AM GMT
    xcuriousgeorge69 saidI'M TOTALLY THE SAME WAY!

    I don't know why! I hate being the fem person in the relationship or acting as if I need it, but it makes it seem more real. When he doesn't pay attention to you, you feel unimportant, ugly, and disposable and that the relationship won't last that long. I don't know how to otherwise make him want me more. I try to do more, but it doesn't seem to help. I think the best thing would be to just let him know how you feel. The only problem is that I'm sure you don't want to force him to want to spend time with you or initiate everything. SO DUMB I SWEAR!


    It really does suck. What sucks more is I remember before dating him, I was a confident and independent person. But now it's like my feelings of worth, esteem, and confidence are based on whether or not he's paying attention to me.

    I think you and I are on good grounds in that we recognize that these are problems... as opposed to those who don't see it in themselves. The problem is how to get past these incredibly dependent feelings in a healthy way.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 08, 2011 2:44 AM GMT
    I think its pretty cool that your able to admit that you have this problem. Knowing it is the first step to fixing it. When you feel like your being clingy take a step back and remember that you have admitted that this is a problem. By doing this and recognizing when your doing it you will prbly be able to stop yourself from doing it as often. Over time you may not even have to think about it and you will realize the benifits of not being clingyicon_smile.gif Best of Luck
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    Mar 08, 2011 2:53 AM GMT
    chayce saidHi guys,

    I have a problem that's been causing some strain in my relationship. Whenever I'm spending time with my boyfriend, I'm always craving his attention and affection. I get frustrated and short with him when he doesn't satisfy these cravings. I guess I crave his affection because I want reassurance that he cares. So the moment he doesn't pile it on to fit my expectations, I get cranky and short.

    It's not that he doesn't care either. When he sees that my mood is off, he'll nudge me look me in the eye and sweetly ask if I'm okay. He's affectionate too - it's just that his physical gestures are passing and short (and they've always been this way from the start).

    Anyway, have you guys ever felt you were in this needy, dependent position where you need a hell of a lot more reassurance than your boyfriends? How do you get past it?



    Therapy.

    Oprah Quote: She's with her guy because she choses to be not because she needs him.

    I think the problem is that you are expecting him to satisfy what you feel are the things that show he cares instead of the things that he does to show you he cares. Ask him what things make him feel really connected and then look for those things to tell you when he is.

    Also, confidence is a huge turn-on. Moodiness is not.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 08, 2011 2:55 AM GMT
    chayce saidHi guys,

    I have a problem that's been causing some strain in my relationship. Whenever I'm spending time with my boyfriend, I'm always craving his attention and affection. I get frustrated and short with him when he doesn't satisfy these cravings. I guess I crave his affection because I want reassurance that he cares. So the moment he doesn't pile it on to fit my expectations, I get cranky and short.

    It's not that he doesn't care either. When he sees that my mood is off, he'll nudge me look me in the eye and sweetly ask if I'm okay. He's affectionate too - it's just that his physical gestures are passing and short (and they've always been this way from the start).

    Anyway, have you guys ever felt you were in this needy, dependent position where you need a hell of a lot more reassurance than your boyfriends? How do you get past it?


    Work on self-confidence, and trust in him. Everyone is different, so even if you do have trust issues, it's a case by case basis.

    That being said, you HAVE a boyfriend. Cherish it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 08, 2011 3:02 AM GMT
    chayce saidHi guys,

    I have a problem that's been causing some strain in my relationship. Whenever I'm spending time with my boyfriend, I'm always craving his attention and affection. I get frustrated and short with him when he doesn't satisfy these cravings. I guess I crave his affection because I want reassurance that he cares. So the moment he doesn't pile it on to fit my expectations, I get cranky and short.

    It's not that he doesn't care either. When he sees that my mood is off, he'll nudge me look me in the eye and sweetly ask if I'm okay. He's affectionate too - it's just that his physical gestures are passing and short (and they've always been this way from the start).

    Anyway, have you guys ever felt you were in this needy, dependent position where you need a hell of a lot more reassurance than your boyfriends? How do you get past it?


    It'll ruin your relationship! Plus, it sounds spoiled rotten!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 08, 2011 3:11 AM GMT
    ...You could always rip off your wig stand in the window sill and threaten to jump.


    but if you live in a one story building it might not be that effective.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 08, 2011 3:18 AM GMT
    I understand why you may feel that way. Think of it like this though...
    he needs you just as much as you need him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 08, 2011 3:42 AM GMT
    This is me exactly me . i cannot take it when i do not get a response i want . i would say i love you and i get a thank you in return . i would send long ass texts about how i feel and i will get thank you that is so nice . it aggregates me. and then i think maybe the feeling are not mutual but then he would do something spontaneous and that would reassure me everything is fine . . . i guess its just learning to be ba strong individual . i believe for me its a huge weakness and lately its been taking its toll . i do feel like the feminine one in the relationship . . . waiting for texts and stressing over small things . . i hope i can solve the problem soon . . good luck to you aswell . its tough i know exactly what you going through