Befriending Guys in relationships?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 08, 2011 4:02 AM GMT
    Do you usually run into any trouble while trying to befriend guys already in relationships?

    i've had the worst luck in trying to make gay friends, their boyfriends are either jealous nutcases, or it usually leads to one of them wanting to add me to their "relationship".

    have you or would you befriend a guy in a relationship?
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    Mar 08, 2011 5:00 AM GMT
    sublstyley saidDo you usually run into any trouble while trying to befriend guys already in relationships?

    i've had the worst luck in trying to make gay friends, their boyfriends are either jealous nutcases, or it usually leads to one of them wanting to add me to their "relationship".

    have you or would you befriend a guy in a relationship?


    Good grief!

    lol, consider yourself buddy-listed.

    icon_wink.gif
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    Mar 08, 2011 6:22 AM GMT
    woot finally! lol icon_biggrin.gif
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    Mar 08, 2011 11:27 AM GMT
    I'm friends with a guy right now who has a BF in the Naval Academy, and while they are both doing a long distance relationship, I'm not doing anything on my part to wreck that. Although I'm detecting potential turbulence in the relationship, I'm just trying support my bro and keep him encouraged and such.

    I've not noticed anything from the guy in the Academy as he's in Maryland and I'm in Georgia, but from all that I heard I would at least like to meet him and just have a nice sit down.

    Good gay friends are hard to come by and it means a lot to me just to have a "Bromo" I can relate to about the military and such like that.
  • sea_buddy

    Posts: 143

    Mar 08, 2011 11:33 AM GMT
    BROMO. I'm definitely stealing that one, now.

    I'm currently befriending a couple guys who are attached. One of the couples is a 30's aged couple that's been together for several years. They have a rock solid relationship and are both fun guys, so I enjoy what I have going with them.

    Then, there's the other couple. They started dating only a few months ago, and the partner is becoming a little bit of a jealousy queen. I really like this new friend of mine, but it would be hard to be his friend for a long time if they stay attached. Merf.
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    Mar 08, 2011 7:52 PM GMT
    There are some that have jealous boyfriends. You can try making friends with the boyfriend, or, at the very least, talk to the boyfriends. Let them know that you respect their relationship and that you have no interest in coming between them. Tell them their boyfriends are great guys and you would like to be friends, and only friends, with them.

    To the ones that want to add you to their relationship, if you aren't interested, just say, "Thanks, but no thanks." If you are clear that you don't want to join in with them, but are looking for friends you might still make friends with them.
    In a way, this is not much different from trying to make friends with a single guy who wants to have sex with you. Either you're into it or you're not and you tell him no respectfully and still pursue a friendship.

    It could also be where you meet these guys. If you're meeting them at a bar, club, or party, then it may be assumed that you're hitting on them instead of meeting a potential friend.
  • HndsmKansan

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    Mar 08, 2011 8:01 PM GMT
    It can be an issue, I agree with you. I've had several experiences where I had a real interest in friending another gay guy (who had a bf) just to get to know him, strictly as a friend. Recently the "unofficial bf" of one of them
    lectured me on Facebook about what he viewed as an "acceptable friendship" with his bf. "You never come to the house unless I'm there", he commented. I'm patient, but found that pretty irritating. I pointed out that I had no interest in anything but a friendship and that I have a partner myself.
    His comment, "I'm not worried about you"........ What does that say about their situation? In another case, the partner disliked me for years because
    his bf (my friend) came home late one night in 2003 after we had gone out to eat. I was still sort of a newby and the partner figured I was being "initiated" so to speak. Nothing ever happened.

    I do have couples I am friendly with, but my largest successes have come from those couples where neither are "close friends" but have a friendly
    back and forth. Nobody seems threatened, I suppose.
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    Mar 08, 2011 8:21 PM GMT
    I have a friend in Vegas whom i was involved with shortly. It didn't work out obviously but i think it was because we were too much alike. And i have another friend in Utah whom lived 2 hrs away from Vegas. Well my friend in Utah asked me if i knew anyone in Vegas that he could hang out with when he went there to party. I suggested my friend in Vegas. Long story short- they kicked it off and fell for eachother. Im closer to my friend in Utah, but i feel kinda weird with them. I don't want to come off as a threat despite the fact that im friends with both of them. They are both attracted to me, and though i may think they are cute too I would never ever do anything to compromise their relationship. I guess there is just this factor of fear. But a factor of trust should come into play to supercede everything.
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    Mar 08, 2011 9:47 PM GMT
    Ermine saidThere are some that have jealous boyfriends. You can try making friends with the boyfriend, or, at the very least, talk to the boyfriends. Let them know that you respect their relationship and that you have no interest in coming between them. Tell them their boyfriends are great guys and you would like to be friends, and only friends, with them.

    To the ones that want to add you to their relationship, if you aren't interested, just say, "Thanks, but no thanks." If you are clear that you don't want to join in with them, but are looking for friends you might still make friends with them.
    In a way, this is not much different from trying to make friends with a single guy who wants to have sex with you. Either you're into it or you're not and you tell him no respectfully and still pursue a friendship.

    It could also be where you meet these guys. If you're meeting them at a bar, club, or party, then it may be assumed that you're hitting on them instead of meeting a potential friend.



    yeah i usually politely tell them thats not what im interested in, to each their own, but id still like to be their friends, however after that it seems to always get awkward.

    i've befriended a couple recently who are completely kick ass, one of the guys and i went running the other day, and it was just chill to have someone there to talk to about stuff, do activities together and just hang out, the boyfriend doesnt seem to mind, and they've actually invite me for dinner tomorrow night. so im kind of excited, i very seldom make gay friends, and im really excited icon_smile.gif.
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    Mar 08, 2011 10:07 PM GMT
    I'd make friends with Both of them. Problem solved, unless one of thems a bitch.
    My observation too is, guys in open relationships tend to be less jealous and more friendly.
    Just sayin...
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    Mar 08, 2011 10:22 PM GMT
    GigoloAssassin saidI'd make friends with Both of them. Problem solved, unless one of thems a bitch.
    My observation too is, guys in open relationships tend to be less jealous and more friendly.
    Just sayin...


    yeah in my case TOO friendly lol
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    Mar 08, 2011 10:31 PM GMT
    its similar to befriending a girl who has a boyfriend you have the types that are cool with it and the ones who become territorial bitches that believe that you are going to steal them away. Personally i have experienced it with hetero guys more so then gay guys no clue why lol. But like most have said you have the crazy emotional freaks that become territorial in my case with my boyfriend i let him befriend any who come by but when i start seeing sings of flirting and trying to form a wedge is when i become defensive but usually i welcome new friends to either of us, and i love making acquaintanceship and friends because i like to socialize but i always make sure that the party is aware that im not trying to intrude on relationship.
  • DrewT

    Posts: 1327

    Mar 08, 2011 11:01 PM GMT
    I haven't as of yet, and I know quite a few guys in relationships. If I even get a hint of 3rd party, I firmly remind them that I am not interested. It's never been a problem for me icon_smile.gif
  • byronicheros

    Posts: 211

    Mar 09, 2011 12:41 AM GMT
    I think you have to befriend both of them. That's just courtesy. The same goes for straight people. icon_smile.gif
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    Mar 09, 2011 12:49 AM GMT
    I'm in a relationship, both my boyfriend and I are friends with many single gay guys but we both know that we aren't cheating on each other.
    Jealousy is a strong sign of insecurity.
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    Mar 09, 2011 12:50 AM GMT
    byronicheros saidI think you have to befriend both of them. That's just courtesy. The same goes for straight people. icon_smile.gif
    Courtesy? More like bullshit.
    I don't make friends with all of my girlfriends boys, and not all of my friends know my boyfriend.
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    Mar 09, 2011 1:03 AM GMT
    I've never had a problem being friends with someone who was single or in a relationship, be they gay, bi, straight or just confused. I've learned over the years to just be me and to never let my dick get the best of my decision. I'm in total control at all times and I let my intentions of just being a friend be known from the get-go. If the person is in a relationship I then I want to meet their significant other and be a friend as well. It doesn't always work out that way because the significant other doesn't want to always have another friend but they don't ever feel threatened by me and I always feel welcomed when I come over

    Case in point. On of my friend's husband is a little homophobic but he's pretty chill about it and is very respectful too. We aren't friends but there is a mutual respect between us and so we get along just fine. My other friend is gay and his partner just doesn't like me period. This would have something to do with me being opinionated and very out-spoken. This dude thought he could say whatever and didn't think anyone would call him on his shit...that is until he meet me. I was pulling his card left and right because it needed to be. He was high on his horse my friend (the bf) liked him too much to say anything. It got ugly when he made a racy comment and I had to put this dude in his place. At the end of the night I ended up saying "If you don't want an answer or someone calling you out then I suggest you don't say anything that warrants a response." In other words I told him to shut the fuck up and just look pretty. Since then he just doesn't like being around me and frankly I don't give a damn because I'm not trying to be his friend...at least not anymore.

    Again, OP, I haven't had this problem because I'm firm on my decision on what I want to be towards someone, which is just a friend, so it all works out for me.
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    Mar 09, 2011 1:18 AM GMT
    sublstyley saidDo you usually run into any trouble while trying to befriend guys already in relationships?

    i've had the worst luck in trying to make gay friends, their boyfriends are either jealous nutcases, or it usually leads to one of them wanting to add me to their "relationship".

    have you or would you befriend a guy in a relationship?


    I do it all the time. If an overly jealous BF cannot handle it then there's probably something wrong in their relationship that has nothing to do with you. I don't believe that you have to be friends with someone just because they are dating a friend of yours. I mean I might try if they are nice, but if there's no genuine or organic basis for friendship with the BF I won't fake it for very long.

    As for the ones wanting to add you to the sexual mix...I just have a personal aversion to that these days. I don't think many couples consider the single person's feelings when they approach them about this. Just because we're single doesn't mean we're disposable toys for couples to use as they work through their own sexual quirks. Makes me sad because when a friend asks I know at that point the friendship might actually be a sham. Might.
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    Mar 09, 2011 1:22 AM GMT
    byronicheros saidI think you have to befriend both of them. That's just courtesy. The same goes for straight people. icon_smile.gif


    I never make friends "out of courtesy". Then again, I don't have a politician's mind.
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    Mar 09, 2011 1:31 AM GMT
    byronicheros saidI think you have to befriend both of them. That's just courtesy. The same goes for straight people. icon_smile.gif


    nah, for a couple hundred you can have the other one become a bridge abutment....end of story,,,start of a wonderful romance....btw OP I luuuuvvv your profile opener....tomato....lmfao....................Keithicon_wink.gif
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    Mar 09, 2011 2:21 AM GMT
    I think social norms would dictate that unless you are talking about friendships created at work or in some other kind of activity that is taking up a large part of your life, if you befriend a guy in a relationship, chances are you'll also be befriending his partner. You have to remember that there is a natural partnership that the two have built, and so much about their lives are entwined.

    Sometimes jealousy is an issue, but this is not a solid basis for a relationship.

    And of course you will run into many couples who will want to be open sexually. If you don't want to take part, just say so, and if they, too, are mature about it, they should respect your wishes. If they don't... I guess you haven't found a compatible match. Still, the day may come when you yourself are more open to the idea. Everything evolves... perhaps even your ideas of what defines friendship.
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    Mar 09, 2011 2:42 AM GMT
    Bromo! I love that term. icon_lol.gif

    I'm in a relationship and have guy friends that are also in relationships but also single friends. My partner isn't really the jealous type and sometimes encourages me to go out with friends when he isn't in the mood. Once in a while I do but, more often, I just stay in with him. This past Sunday, a guy I dated briefly a bit before my partner and I got together was going through a bit of a rough spot relationship wise and I sensed he just didn't want to be alone. I invited him over and the two of us hung out for a while. I made sure to let my partner know he was there though and he was cool with it. Later when my partner came home, the three of us ordered a pizza and hung out for a while. icon_cool.gif
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    Mar 09, 2011 5:25 AM GMT
    Aren't men in relationships looking for friendship the impetus for the millions of men on Grindr?
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    Mar 09, 2011 5:30 AM GMT
    I am friends with a good-looking dude at my university... he has a bf.
    Out of respect, I also am friends with his bf. Why? The reason why is because he is clearly with his bf for a reason... and befriending his bf will make him feel happier... hey! they both have a new friend!
    I am really interested in both of them for a friendhsip and nothing more.

    If I take interest in only one, then the bf has a possibility of getting jealous and last thing I want to on my mind is to feel as if I was part of the problem...


    I think it depends ultimately, about how you depict yourself towards the two men.
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    Mar 09, 2011 5:30 AM GMT
    It's always been creepy for me. "Yeah we're in an open relationship of 9 years so it's ok if send you videos of me jacking off to your email", or "could you not bend your leg like that on cam, I have thing for legs and it doesn't feel right with my boyfriend here in bed sleeping next to me right now".

    I'm also a closet jealous freak. I will never, ever, ever show it, but I don't quite enjoy talking to someone who's taken.