I feel like I always have to be perfect, please everyone, and never foul up..and the stress is killing me

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 09, 2011 2:07 AM GMT
    No need for explanation as the title says it all. I will say, however, that a large part of it has to do with how I was raised.


    I don't want to be like this anymore; and its so insiduous; I hear its called perfectionism,.what can I do?
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    Mar 09, 2011 2:22 AM GMT
    same. i haven't found a solution yet either. icon_confused.gif
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    Mar 09, 2011 2:23 AM GMT
    Realize that perfection is unattainable. Even if it were so, complete and utter lack of flaw isn't exciting or fun at all imo.
    I don't exactly know what you're talking about, but you really don't need to live life in pursuit of others' happiness. That's not living man.

    I would just say, man up and be who you are, but that's often easier said than done. If less than perfect isn't good enough for those you surround yourself with, you shouldn't be around them.
    You may have been raised one way, but I was raised hearing that gays are slutty abominations. I would like to think that I refute that statement.

    Ps. There may be some deeply rooted issue that causes one to feel like they're never good enough. Surely this can be dealt with given proper counseling and therapy. It couldn't hurt.
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    Mar 09, 2011 2:26 AM GMT
    Realize that you are human and you can not please everyone. You have reached the stage that mentally and physically you cannot sustain the continued course. The hardest part will be your psyche and mind, not what others will think of you for not always being perfect or doing everything correctly for them. The hardest part is ‘letting go’, training your mind, the what if…I do not this for this person, this activity, etc. You have to stop yourself and say ‘No’, set a healthy boundary of saying ‘No’, without offending anyone, otherwise you health will start to compromise. Without knowing more specifics, and I have been there with family, work, etc. Sometimes, just letting the issue go and sort of watch the cart go off the cliff, and see whom else in the family, work, etc. will come to the rescue to fulfill the problem. Oh, will it be hard, you bet...every nerve, instinct will tell you to go and rescue the cart (whatever the issue is), the inner voice in your head will be screaming for you to react and do it, but do not. You would be amazed, who comes up. It will take time to train yourself and change the course, because it is easier to go back to what we know or being trained to believe that we should fulfill a certain role, but bottom line you have to take care of yourself.
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    Mar 09, 2011 2:29 AM GMT
    Don't let it consume you, unless you can grow feathers and nail a foutte.


  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Mar 09, 2011 2:37 AM GMT
    It sounds like you are living with something like the old Asian curse: "May you live in interesting times."

    The stress of being a perfectionist can indeed be pretty rough. You might try keeping some notes on situations or times when it is good to be fastidious and when it is not so important, just to help you think about it. Probably though, it would be worth it to sit down with a good counselor. You seem to be an interesting person and it would be a shame if you were not able to enjoy yourself and treat others to your interesting sides.
  • alphatop

    Posts: 1955

    Mar 09, 2011 2:38 AM GMT
    Sylas saidNo need for explanation as the title says it all. I will say, however, that a large part of it has to do with how I was raised.


    I don't want to be like this anymore; and its so insiduous; I hear its called perfectionism,.what can I do?



    Flash news-you don't have to please anyone but yourself. Once you are comfortable within your skin, than you can think of pleasing someone else.
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    Mar 09, 2011 2:39 AM GMT
    Sylas saidwhat can I do?


    DRUGS 8D, After that gets old try learning something new that's fun to try and perfect. Perfectionism isn't a bad thing unless you let it become so.
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    Mar 09, 2011 2:40 AM GMT
    MicroBert said
    Sylas saidwhat can I do?


    DRUGS 8D


    That could work too.
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    Mar 09, 2011 2:43 AM GMT
    Been there, done that, i left the t-shirts hanging in my closet with the skeletons, lol. My childhood was not a happy one initially. I tried to be the perfect child but always got beaten anyways. That followed me later in life with my attempts to always be perfect, and always try and please everyone. Finally it got drilled into my head that what everyone in ur life wants for u is to be happy. They can put aside things to allow for ur happiness just as easily as u can to allow for theirs. its all a compromise, and you will never ever be able to make everyone happy all the time. They all know it and accept it, its why they will not mind when u are unable to make them happy some of the time. No one can possibly expect perfection when they themselves are inherently imperfect. U are who u are, you will screw up, make mistakes and missteps. Its how u deal with making errors that shows what kind of person you are, and will help further develop u into a well rounded person. Not ur attempts to never have a fault. Society pressures people to try and be perfect. its not fair or realistic, and its something that no one can live up to, no matter how perfect they seem. They simply dont mention their laundry list of mistakes, or hide them, living in shame of them, ever frearful that something might become unearthed. Terrible way to live, afraid of ur past, afraid of ur future...U have to realise that whatever happens happens, that you cannot control everything. Just have to accept it, and let ur fear go before it eats u from the inside.
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    Mar 09, 2011 2:49 AM GMT
    you are who you were.

    but who you will be, isn't who you are.

    you are who you are today because you have chosen to see yourself as an extension from your past. that's fine. most of the world does it. i still do it on occasion too. it can be considered the human metaphor for time's arrow.

    but who you will be, doesn't have any connection with who you were, if you choose.

    consider this interpretation:

    instead of seeing yourself as the culmination of everything you have been taught and experienced from your past, manifested in the present; see yourself today as the 'past projection' of your future self.

    and because you are now this 'past projection' of your future self, you are no longer bound by the events and experiences of the past. in fact, since the 'future you' has not been determined yet, you could really just make up who you want to be, and act in accordance today with how that 'future you' would have acted in his past. it's still the time's arrow metaphor, but shifted in reverse.

    could this all be bullshit? yeah, maybe. but this particular mental construct is no more or less valid than the one you are currently using. so really, fuck the truth. do what empowers you. if this little act of make-believe does it, then so be it. if not, then you know you were just pretending anyway and your ego risks nothing.

    by the way, i wrote this post more for me than for you, sylas, but i hope it helps you nonetheless. be well.

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    Mar 09, 2011 3:02 AM GMT
    69660d81.gif
  • tuffguyndc

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    Mar 09, 2011 3:05 AM GMT
    well i would suggest you seeking help. i mean it sounds like it may be something deeper
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    Mar 09, 2011 3:10 AM GMT
    AndrewDavidAlexander said69660d81.gif
    This pretty much sums up a lot of things.

    I think that you have to find a way to accept that perfectionism isn't obtainable (like the abovementioned said). I don't think that you will understand it clearly until something happens, something changes in you to make you realize that it's ok to make mistakes. It's really how you make up from this mistakes that allow you to grow. Living in the negative instances of your life will not allow you to grow in the way that you want to grow. I think you are making conscious efforts to find answers by asking questions. Keep doing that as it will give you opportunity to learn.

    One thing I always learned though is no matter how many people comment, no matter how many people explain their experiences, it is the things that you decide that will make up for what you want in the future. If you want to feel confident, be happy and live a life you can be proud of find ways to obtain it.

    Good luck with everything.
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    Mar 09, 2011 3:12 AM GMT
    courage-wolf-roulette.jpg
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    Mar 09, 2011 3:15 AM GMT
    The Bach flowers essences work great on
    Problems like this . Make sure you keep a journal before, during and after because it's astonishing to see how much a person can change and still be themselves. You will look back and not relate to
    Your previous attitudes at all.
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    Mar 09, 2011 3:23 AM GMT
    I second shame based.

    Read this:

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    Mar 09, 2011 3:31 AM GMT
    What is the source of the pressure and expectations?
    Who are you afraid of letting down?
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    Mar 09, 2011 3:36 AM GMT
    Wellll OP I got news for you, you're not perfect... and you're quest for unattainable perfection is a FLAW.

    You know you got the issue, fix it.
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    Mar 09, 2011 3:37 AM GMT
    Who said you have to be perfect? What is 'perfect' anyhow? Perfect according to whom? Because everyone's idea of 'perfection' differs.
    You don't have to be anything other than yourself. And if your constantly seeking to create some image of perfection- that implies that you are dissatisfied with yourself as you are. And dissatisfaction has a cause- investigate it.

    "You discover who you are when you act naturally." - Alan Watts
  • TrentGrad

    Posts: 1541

    Mar 09, 2011 3:46 AM GMT
    Sylas saidNo need for explanation as the title says it all. I will say, however, that a large part of it has to do with how I was raised.


    I don't want to be like this anymore; and its so insiduous; I hear its called perfectionism,.what can I do?


    Therapy could be helpful...try to find a good therapist who can help you get to the root of the problems, and provide you with strategies that can help you solve them.

    Support groups could also help introduce you to a whole assortment of people who may have similar problems. They could help you with ideas on what helped them.

    There is also a cognitive therapy workbook called "Mind over Mood" which started out by helping people overcome depression...but which has also helped people overcome a myriad of personal issues. I'm sure that many of the exercises would help you pin down what causes you to feel this way, and helps you develop strategies to change your thinking or expectations for yourself.

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    Mar 09, 2011 4:12 AM GMT
    To me you predicament is because of your insecurities, and you worrie about being judged. But.....you need to know there is not a perfect person on this earth, and never has been. I just try to be good.
  • needleninja

    Posts: 713

    Mar 09, 2011 4:15 AM GMT
    True_Blue_Aussie saidTo me you predicament is because of your insecurities, and you worrie about being judged. But.....you need to know there is not a perfect person on this earth, and never has been. I just try to be good.


    i agree with this, however i believe there is a bit more to it than that.

    the only advice i can give is that there is more to life than goals.
  • swogdog

    Posts: 143

    Mar 09, 2011 5:19 AM GMT
    Check out amazon for books on perfectionism and people pleasing. These two often go together and can be quite debilitating. I suffered from both for years. If you read about them, you may recognize yourself... and then you can begin taking steps to undue the behaviors one at a time.

    Learning to say NO, and learning that YOU are just as valuable as all the others around you are very important steps.
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    Mar 09, 2011 9:29 AM GMT
    Your first mistake is the word perfection. Once you figure that out you will be much better and achieve more then you ever thought possible.