Want kids?


  • Mar 09, 2011 4:42 PM GMT
    So I meet this cool guy today. He is 33 and we made out quite a bit. In his apartment i spotted this parenting book which later he told me that he is planning to have a kid next year. I was shock but I didn't show it. Clearly I have no intention in having a child. Well i'm not really a kid person, can't say about the near future but clearly not now. I guess this is what happen if you date someone 10 years older.

    What will you do? Should we continue on the fling? or should I tell him that it is not meant to be?

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    Mar 09, 2011 6:50 PM GMT
    collegemuscleboi saidSo I meet this cool guy today. He is 33 and we made out quite a bit. In his apartment i spotted this parenting book which later he told me that he is planning to have a kid next year. I was shock but I didn't show it. Clearly I have no intention in having a child. Well i'm not really a kid person, can't say about the near future but clearly not now. I guess this is what happen if you date someone 10 years older.

    What will you do? Should we continue on the fling? or should I tell him that it is not meant to be?



    It really seems like you are dead set against kids in your early 20's which is not surprising. Most people (I think) in your age range would not want them and that is understandable. However try to think longer term like 6 years from now. Most people start wanting kids right around their early 30’s even if your are dead set against them now. If NOT having kids is really your personal core value and you are unwilling to change it, then sounds like it is a deal breaker for a long term relationship for you. but that is not what it sounds like you are saying. To me it sounds like you are saying for sure not in a year and I have not really thought about it clearly enough to say for certain in my future. and then you kind of flipped out a little. As you approach your mid 20's these kinds of issues will keep coming up even if you decide to only date 20 something’s like yourself. This whole gay marriage conversation that a lot of countries are having has put a lot of gay men on a more traditional life track-- having a family it is not a impossiable dream it is probable now, so partying and being 30, 40, or even 50 something at a gay bar or random white party is looking less appealing and more pathetic--because quite frankly it is (at least to me at 29).

    I do find it sad that a seemingly nice guy who feels stable enough to start a family while generally single can be crossed of your datable list so easily. A gay man trying to have kids is a long road to travel down it takes a lot of money (usually) if he is going the segregate route and a lot of time if he plans to adopt. If you enter into a relationship and everything is going great you could put the breaks on having the baby—like there is getting married first spending a few years a newly weds traveling the world buying your dream house/condo then starting path towards having a kid. If this guy is in his early 30’s waiting a couple years might be something he would do for the right guy AKA you.

    Also right off the bat this guy must be:

    Determined
    Emotionally Stable
    Has values he ready to pass on
    Ready to settle down
    Committed
    Reliable
    family orientated
    Brave to maybe be a single parent
    Likely financially stable
    Plus it sounds like he may be able to make your bed rock.

    Believe it or not those are rare qualities to find in a person you have mutual chemistry with, plus you just met this guy like "today'...why pull the plug so early on over a coffee table book a general plan at least a year away? I say ignore the fact you saw the partening book for 30-45 days to see if this can really turn into something real. During that time think about it to yourself..try to picture your self with kids and when is the soonest that would happen for you. If it is like 40 for you or never--yeah save this guy some time and break it off ASAP after have thought about it a couple weeks and gotten to know him a little more. Then you will come off way more mature breakig it off so he can find the correct partner who is closer to the same station in life.

    However if it is closer to 30 you might want to share your concerns iin a month or two and remind him that you younger and he is going to have to wait for you to get to that point in life where is at now. If this relationship was to ever get serious. Ask him how long could he put of having kids. If it is within 5 years you guys might be able to meet in the middle at some point. ..however that is a conversation that should be had if you are dating each other for 6 months or so. But I would not touch the topic for at least a month.
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    Mar 11, 2011 1:07 AM GMT
    Yes, one day. I agree with spartanrda's advice. If he's okay with a fling for the time being, then your time together will be mutually enjoyable.
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    Mar 11, 2011 1:12 AM GMT
    You bet, but kids are definitely a long way off. If I had kids right now, I'm pretty sure they'd be fucked up little bastards.
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    Mar 11, 2011 1:16 AM GMT
    I want kids when I am older...real bad....

    I think some of us have a natural desire for kids while others don't - has something to do with the hormone oxytocin. Higher oxytocin levels MAY increase your desire to have kids. Believe it or not, Oxytocin is found in both males and females!

    I guess I have a lot of oxytocin. icon_smile.gif


    If you don't want to have kids, then tell him...
    If you two are looking for a monogamous relationship then one of you will have to change your views on having kids to make it work OR don't expect to be in a relationship.

    If you two are both willing to be in an open relationship, then it could possibly work.
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    Mar 11, 2011 1:19 AM GMT
    No.
    Never.
    Not even in a million years.


    Continue the fling- enjoy the time you have with him.
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    Mar 11, 2011 1:20 AM GMT
    Yeh yeh i wouldnt mind a couple lil Nandos ... when the time is right ofcourse =D
  • needleninja

    Posts: 713

    Mar 11, 2011 1:21 AM GMT
    i dont want kids, cause i really dont have the time for my own, plus i want to do what i want to do in life. i love them dont get me wrong.

    if its not what you want then its not meant to be. changing for others is not what you would want.
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    Mar 11, 2011 1:25 AM GMT
    Personally, i would love to have children. Since I'm financially independent, it would help, but my partner does not. He has several nieces and nephews and I respect his decisions, so for now, we're not having children, but plan to raise all of our friends children, which he does anyways.

    Mike
  • matt13226

    Posts: 829

    Mar 11, 2011 1:27 AM GMT
    i think you should keep seeing him besides if he is expecting a kid it most likely will be a infant or toddler i mean i know for a fact that i want kids but its up to you. how will this effect you later on maybe you will regret giving him up maybe you wont but think about long term not just short term.
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    Mar 11, 2011 1:28 AM GMT
    Nope, no kids for me.
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    Mar 11, 2011 1:34 AM GMT
    Something I noticed from talking to many of my straight friends...

    Many of them (not all) are always surprised when I tell them I want kids. They say "You got the easy way out of not having them...you're gay!" and I tell them..."Sometimes, being gay can hold you down from what you really desire... being a "true" dad"...

    I wish I was straight for that reason only... to have the luxury of raising a family.

    Of course, as a gay man I can still raise a family... just won't give me the same feeling.

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    Mar 11, 2011 1:49 AM GMT
    I'm happy with either decision
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    Mar 11, 2011 1:57 AM GMT
    I've already had two, so I'm full.

    They are great but they stay with you a long time.


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    Mar 11, 2011 2:34 AM GMT
    It's way too early to have that discussion. Enjoy the time getting to know him and see where the relationship goes first. If it goes well and you both have that spark, then the subject of the future will come up. If he's that excited about kids, then he'll have to discuss it with you and if you're not ready, he'll have to make some hard decisions. You know up front of his desire so prepare yourself for that conversation, but seriously, enjoy getting to know him and see where it goes first.

    I have kids and they are wonderful. Not that there haven't been moments but you do grow from them and you learn how to be selfless in a real hurry. And for the future, it's nice to know that they are there but at your age, I had no desire to have kids.
  • creature

    Posts: 5197

    Mar 11, 2011 2:36 AM GMT
    I want at least 3 children. Having 5 would be even better.

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    Mar 11, 2011 2:38 AM GMT
    creature saidI want at least 3 children. Having 5 would be even better.



    we need to marry ASAP!

    J/K
    icon_razz.gif
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    Mar 11, 2011 2:39 AM GMT
    Maybe one day.
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    Mar 11, 2011 2:43 AM GMT
    No kids for me, thanks. I'm driving.
  • FITBOY101

    Posts: 62

    Mar 11, 2011 3:15 AM GMT

    So its interesting that I spotted this topic today. Because my partner and I, have just begun discussing..... queue the music.. dun dun dun... Kids!!!!!

    We are both in our 30's , I'm younger(of course) hehehe... But seriously, there comes a point in every mans life when you look at a young dad with the stroller and think wow, I would love to have that one day, which happened for me at 28.

    BUT if kids are not your thing, its o.k. We DON'T all have to be parents, and some of us really shouldn't, gay or straight. Its really too soon to have that conversation with this guy. You can be upfront with him( IF HE BRINGS IT UP), letting him know that you are not in that stage of your life or may never be. Which lets him know from the beginning, what your about. I always feel that silence can be worst, because it allows for the possibility of false hope or perception.
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    Mar 11, 2011 3:22 AM GMT
    I'd love to have kids, but my broke ass isn't capable of supporting one right now
  • commoncoll

    Posts: 1222

    Mar 11, 2011 3:33 AM GMT
    I have one. I want more but not right now.

    I wouldn't bring up this conversation at this stage of your "fling" either. Wait for longer. If you life the man, go for it. Remember, depending on how he is planning on having the kid, unless someone is already pregnant or an adoption is being finalised it's going to take at least another 3-4 years before the child will be there.

    Perhaps you will be ready to have children at that point in your life. I agree with the others. If he brings up the matter, tell him that you're not ready right now. Save both of you some heart ache.
  • allatonce

    Posts: 904

    Mar 11, 2011 3:36 AM GMT
    I could be happy either way. I would feel like I was missing something without having children though I think. I've always thought I would be a great Dad.
  • Jericophantom...

    Posts: 185

    Mar 11, 2011 3:44 AM GMT
    Think deep Think Hard pull every souce from within you seek from your emotions what you think the answer........

    If you stay your fling could grow stronger

    and if you go he may never experience and good single relationship again except with the kid which really doesnt have to be he could consider adoption of a teen
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    Mar 11, 2011 3:45 AM GMT
    I want kids. Badly. BAD-fucking-LY.