collegemuscleboi saidSo I meet this cool guy today. He is 33 and we made out quite a bit. In his apartment i spotted this parenting book which later he told me that he is planning to have a kid next year. I was shock but I didn't show it. Clearly I have no intention in having a child. Well i'm not really a kid person, can't say about the near future but clearly not now. I guess this is what happen if you date someone 10 years older.
What will you do? Should we continue on the fling? or should I tell him that it is not meant to be?
It really seems like you are dead set against kids in your early 20's which is not surprising. Most people (I think) in your age range would not want them and that is understandable. However try to think longer term like 6 years from now. Most people start wanting kids right around their early 30’s even if your are dead set against them now. If NOT having kids is really your personal core value and you are unwilling to change it, then sounds like it is a deal breaker for a long term relationship for you. but that is not what it sounds like you are saying. To me it sounds like you are saying for sure not in a year and I have not really thought about it clearly enough to say for certain in my future. and then you kind of flipped out a little. As you approach your mid 20's these kinds of issues will keep coming up even if you decide to only date 20 something’s like yourself. This whole gay marriage conversation that a lot of countries are having has put a lot of gay men on a more traditional life track-- having a family it is not a impossiable dream it is probable now, so partying and being 30, 40, or even 50 something at a gay bar or random white party is looking less appealing and more pathetic--because quite frankly it is (at least to me at 29).
I do find it sad that a seemingly nice guy who feels stable enough to start a family while generally single can be crossed of your datable list so easily. A gay man trying to have kids is a long road to travel down it takes a lot of money (usually) if he is going the segregate route and a lot of time if he plans to adopt. If you enter into a relationship and everything is going great you could put the breaks on having the baby—like there is getting married first spending a few years a newly weds traveling the world buying your dream house/condo then starting path towards having a kid. If this guy is in his early 30’s waiting a couple years might be something he would do for the right guy AKA you.
Also right off the bat this guy must be:
Has values he ready to pass on
Ready to settle down
Brave to maybe be a single parent
Likely financially stable
Plus it sounds like he may be able to make your bed rock.
Believe it or not those are rare qualities to find in a person you have mutual chemistry with, plus you just met this guy like "today'...why pull the plug so early on over a coffee table book a general plan at least a year away? I say ignore the fact you saw the partening book for 30-45 days to see if this can really turn into something real. During that time think about it to yourself
..try to picture your self with kids and when is the soonest that would happen for you. If it is like 40 for you or never--yeah save this guy some time and break it off ASAP after have thought about it a couple weeks and gotten to know him a little more. Then you will come off way more mature breakig it off so he can find the correct partner who is closer to the same station in life.
However if it is closer to 30 you might want to share your concerns iin a month or two and remind him that you younger and he is going to have to wait for you to get to that point in life where is at now. If this relationship was to ever get serious. Ask him how long could he put of having kids. If it is within 5 years you guys might be able to meet in the middle at some point. ..however that is a conversation that should be had if you are dating each other for 6 months or so. But I would not touch the topic for at least a month.