Just Not That Into You

  • NerdLifter

    Posts: 1509

    Mar 10, 2011 9:58 PM GMT
    It's always an excruciating process to tell someone that you are not interested. Or worse yet, when someone misinterprets politeness for flirting. We try our best to waddle through these situations, hopefully communicating the message as nicely and humanely as possible.

    What are your strategies to these situations? Any suggestions?
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Mar 10, 2011 10:10 PM GMT
    Honesty, politeness and saying something as soon as it's evident to you.

    And if the person says you're the one who is mistaken, don't take it personally because they might just be trying to save face.
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    Mar 10, 2011 10:55 PM GMT
    I usually try to not be too "honest" as saying thing like "sorry, I am not that into you" maybe truthful but also more of less hurtful to most guys, I find it unnecessary, Unless he ask a question specifically, which is an indication of he is ready for an answer regardless what the answer might be, then I would tell him exactly what i thought. In normal dating situation, says..we met up for a coffee for the first time, conversation went for 15 mins, I knew I wasn't into him, smile, finished the conversation quickly(can be tricky), thank you, and leave. Anyone with common sense would catch the hidden message and move on without feeling just had a door shut his face.
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    Mar 11, 2011 5:37 AM GMT
    I hope adding my two sense into the mix won't put you off but.. I've always tried to balance things out. Make the other party feel like they still got something out of it. If it gets heated, I let them have the last word. Or.. lol maybe stop talking after a nice diner. That way there's something to concentrate on besides the lack of contact.

    In the case of mistaking politeness for flirting... MAN I hate that! It happens a lot with chicks. (an easy fix) ... when it happens with a guy, I think it's best to treat it like a funny mishap. Taking it too seriously feels like I'm putting the other person down and that's no good.

    Good luck.. icon_smile.gif Hope all is well.
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    Mar 11, 2011 5:51 AM GMT
    There is no way to make it as painless as possible. He likes you, you're about to reject him, it's gonna hurt.
    icon_sad.gif
    I know it sounds harsh, but that is the truth.

    Any gay man is smart enough to know when he is feeling rejected.
    Not any gay man can accept that.


    He is just not willing to accept it and is trying to convince himself that you stil llike him.

    Next time, just tell him "sorry bud, I am not ready to be in a relationship yet..."
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    Mar 11, 2011 6:07 AM GMT
    If you don't know what to say, you're probably trying not to look like the bad guy.

    It's better if you are upfront about telling the guy that you aren't interested in dating him.
    If it's someone whose feelings you don't want to hurt, then tell him that you don't want to date and make the reason about you. How you aren't ready to date. You value his friendship too much to risk it by dating the other guy. The other guy should look to date someone who isn't you.
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    Mar 11, 2011 6:58 AM GMT
    i just try to be a kinda lousy date, boring mostly, then constantly talk about how busy u are, carry on the night, if it's not that bad, who knows, u can always get the emergency fake phone call, and have to leave in a hurry, (never let a first date pick u up) then when they try an call, don't answer, then text em back in a few minutes explaining ur sooooo busy, then just always be really busy, but maybe next week, they will get bored. this may seem a lil underhanded, but i promise it's the easiest way i know not to hurt someones feelings, on this one honesty is prolly not the best policy.
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    Mar 11, 2011 7:03 AM GMT
    or just talk about your ex. they hate that.
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    Mar 11, 2011 7:21 AM GMT
    I try to rely on my gut, which works about 75% of the time, with regard to whether or not someone is interested in me. The other time, I talk it over with a trusted friend.
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    Mar 11, 2011 11:27 PM GMT
    My boilerplate response is, "I'm sorry we're not a match. I hope you find what you're looking for." Done. No follow-up response to follow-up questions, such as "Why do you think we're not a match?"
  • Mako_Shark

    Posts: 222

    Mar 11, 2011 11:32 PM GMT
    Lately, I've been using the line, "I feel like there's more of a platonic chemistry here."
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    Mar 11, 2011 11:43 PM GMT
    Johnnyhotsauce saidi just try to be a kinda lousy date, boring mostly, then constantly talk about how busy u are, carry on the night, if it's not that bad, who knows, u can always get the emergency fake phone call, and have to leave in a hurry, (never let a first date pick u up) then when they try an call, don't answer, then text em back in a few minutes explaining ur sooooo busy, then just always be really busy, but maybe next week, they will get bored. this may seem a lil underhanded, but i promise it's the easiest way i know not to hurt someones feelings, on this one honesty is prolly not the best policy.



    This is MUCH more annoying than just being honest. Especially since you're just letting the guy still assume that there could be something, and that you're just busy. It assumes that when you're not as busy, there will be time for him. Just tell him the truth. If you're not an ass about it, then his feelings probably wont be hurt too much.
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    Mar 12, 2011 12:05 AM GMT
    Its a tricky situation. I prefer it when people are upfront to me about not having a connection/chemistry/what not, and I try to give the same benefit to people. I find that when I do, especially in the gay community, people "pretend" to not be interested and throw it back on me.

    I went on a date with a guy who seemed cool, gave him a hug, and went on a second. I didnt think there was a connection, and at the end of it, I hugged him and he tried to kiss me. I left. He later messaged me saying how he just wanted to kiss me forever (really? Its the second date guy) and asked me out on Valentine's day for a date too. I told him he was nice and I could see being friends, but I didnt feel a romantic connection. His response: "Wow, didnt see that one coming, who said I wanted to have a romantic connection with you?"

    Yea, your laying it on pretty heavy man.
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    Mar 12, 2011 12:15 AM GMT
    Vodka's always good in situations like this. Add a Xanax-stuffed olive for garnish if he was really a nice guy and now you feel really stupid. Shake, don't stir.