What are the warning signs of a dangerous man to date, or a time waster?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 11, 2011 8:37 AM GMT
    Hi guys,

    I'm dating a lot and getting really frustrated. I seem to always meet timewasters or guys who are dysfunctional. Are there any warning signs?
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    Mar 11, 2011 9:42 AM GMT
    You are not defining a problem clearly enough. How are they wasting your time? How are they dysfunctional? How long does it take you to find all this out?

    If you go on one date and realize they are not for you, you have a pretty efficient model. If you date one guy and a month in you suddenly realize that they have human livers in their freezer, well, that isn't too much of a problem (the time, not the cannibalism).

    Perhaps you are doing everything right and setting up reasonable filters but are just frustrated that you are dating duds (which is the very nature of dating, trial and error). But perhaps you are missing a step or doing something wrong that is messing up your game.

    Provide concrete examples and let's see what RJ can come up with.

    Unless of course you are just venting. In which case, oh brother do I understand! icon_biggrin.gif
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    Mar 11, 2011 10:34 AM GMT
    I date guys who can't communicate, say how wonderful I am then pull back, seem to not be emotionally in tune etc. I dated someone last night who seems nice but is in 2 minds whether to stay in London or go back to his country. It is an alarm bell for me. I also think everyone is so scared of getting hurt and being real they won't take risks! And I feel that being warm, direct, caring and sensitive is a crime over and above the Holocaust according to many gay men! Like being real is anathema!
  • samasaurusrex

    Posts: 84

    Mar 11, 2011 1:16 PM GMT
    Yeah... I always get red flags when they ask the same questions more than once in text messaging. Don't know why, but I feel like if they can't remember basic things like were I'm from or what I'm interested in then they're generally somewhat odd...
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Mar 11, 2011 1:19 PM GMT
    samasaurusrex saidYeah... I always get red flags when they ask the same questions more than once in text messaging. Don't know why, but I feel like if they can't remember basic things like were I'm from or what I'm interested in then they're generally somewhat odd...



    That's because they are probably conversing with so many guys, they can't remember. Yeah, I'd think they guy wasn't either taking it seriously or I was just one of a number. Regardless, a major red flag.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 11, 2011 1:24 PM GMT
    Guys that seems really insecure and needing validation at the beginning of a relationship. The worst guy I ever dated was this way. By the end of the 3 month relationship he didn't give a shit about me, even started pulling asshole moves just to get me to break up with him because he was too much of a pussy to do it himself.

    In the end, he just wanted to know that a guy like me could be into him. Once he had that, he quickly got bored.

    Since then I've added insecure guys to my list of "undateables". They have to love themselves before they can ever know how to love me.
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    Mar 11, 2011 1:32 PM GMT
    blactor saidI date guys who can't communicate, say how wonderful I am then pull back, seem to not be emotionally in tune etc.



    They're drawn to you because you CAN communicate, but they can't follow through when the ball's tossed into their court.

    and this, "And I feel that being warm, direct, caring and sensitive is a crime over and above the Holocaust according to many gay men!"

    ...is how I separated the men from the boys. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 11, 2011 1:46 PM GMT
    well, if he likes guns, hunting knives and walks down dark country lanes, I would find that a warning sign or if he has a mullet! lol
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 11, 2011 1:54 PM GMT
    blactor saidHi guys,

    I'm dating a lot and getting really frustrated. I seem to always meet timewasters or guys who are dysfunctional. Are there any warning signs?


    i gave up dating because of people like this... don't get me wrong, i go back in and try every now and then....

    i met a lot of guys, went on dates, all i found was guys wanting sex... when you don't put out they move on... it was probably the places i met them... but sydney is a transient city... it's so hard to meet men who want more... and let's face it, i have other priorities now... it will happen when it happens...
  • misternick

    Posts: 234

    Mar 11, 2011 2:26 PM GMT
    Listen to your friends and family. If they don't like him "for some reason," then I realize I'm not seeing something that should be obvious.

    Never think you'll be able to change someone. If he's got something that he needs to work on... he'd better already be working on it.

    Just a couple from my experience.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 11, 2011 2:28 PM GMT
    blactor saidI date guys who can't communicate, say how wonderful I am then pull back, seem to not be emotionally in tune etc....I also think everyone is so scared of getting hurt and being real they won't take risks! And I feel that being warm, direct, caring and sensitive is a crime over and above the Holocaust according to many gay men! Like being real is anathema!

    I know exactly the type. Good, real people, the ones who are not lost in self-absorption, the ones who take a sincere interest in others, those who care about more than themselves, do exist. Perhaps you might be looking in the wrong places, or assuming that if the exterior package (social status, career, clothes and grooming) is an indication of the quality of what's inside?
  • NyRuinz

    Posts: 887

    Mar 11, 2011 2:50 PM GMT
    Matty_WIP saidGuys that seems really insecure and needing validation at the beginning of a relationship. The worst guy I ever dated was this way. By the end of the 3 month relationship he didn't give a shit about me, even started pulling asshole moves just to get me to break up with him because he was too much of a pussy to do it himself.

    In the end, he just wanted to know that a guy like me could be into him. Once he had that, he quickly got bored.

    Since then I've added insecure guys to my list of "undateables". They have to love themselves before they can ever know how to love me.


    Amen to that Matty!!! Everyone is insecure to an extent, but the overly insecure ones you must steer clear of, because in the end they will leave you heartbroken. They are constantly seeking validation from you and from anyone else who is willing to do so.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 11, 2011 4:34 PM GMT
    When the guy you're interested in couldn't remember your name even if his life depended on it. That or when he calls you "Miss Thing" or some other name that's not yours (like LaDon and you're from Yonkers, NY).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 11, 2011 4:53 PM GMT
    When he kisses you with his eyes open

    or worse still, if his eyes are open and the pupils are dilated

    it means he's either traumatized or a meth head.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 11, 2011 5:09 PM GMT
    I've learned from my share of bad dates and can recognize many signs. I have my own list of red flags that should help out in general

    Big red flag is a guy who is reluctant to meet in person if you're doing the online dating thing or they don't return phone calls or texts in a timely manner.

    I met a guy online at another dating site and we got to chatting, but he couldn't move past chatting online. I have a two week rule, I try to meet guys at most two weeks after I establish contact with them.

    Whenever we planned to meet, at a public place, he wouldn't show up. The first time I let it slide as he said he was "busy." The second time I knew he was making up some BS excuse. After this happened I waved t the red flags. He was verified but my guess is he has low self esteem, or has social anxiety or something like that.

    The other end of the spectrum is the docuhey type of guy. If they treat waiters or service people like crap on dates, run- don't walk to the door. You'll thank yourself later.

    Another warning sign is speaking about their ex and especially if they start going on a rant about them. This means they still have unresolved issues about their ex and could transfer those issues to you. Keep looking for someone who had a "healthier" break up.

    Another general red flag is guys who have a negative outlook on things and especially people, they're not relationship material. If they're cynical about people that should be a pretty clear sign they might be emotionally unstable.

    We all get down from time to time but you really don't want to be around someone who's like that all the time. I went on one date with someone who was obsessed with the news, the only thing they can talk about was politics, how bad everything in the world was and how people are "idiots." Never again.

    There are good guys out there for you to date, it's not only a numbers game but also a game of strategy to filter out people who aren't right for you.

    Finally, I'm going to get a lot of flack about this from RJer's but someone who's not out could be a red flag- especially if you're in an urban gay mecca. Having them hide you as a friend, reluctance to come out and internalized homophobia is not only exhausting for you but a glass ceiling for them. I stick to guys who are out or are in the process of coming out.

    BTW, what you said about scared of getting hurt is true for a lot of people but you might want to consider you could be attracting guys who aren't looking for a relationship. I don't know why guys would be repelled by someone who is kind, sensitive and caring, unless you're being clingy and/ or they just want something casual.

    That was really long but I hope it helps everyone who's dating.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 11, 2011 5:10 PM GMT
    I can totally relate my friend. Last week, I felt I was in heaven. I thought I had met a soul mate and was thinking of ways to break it to two other guys I had been seeing who were also long-term-minded but who I felt were too cold. Well, let me tell you... I had an awful week this week This "soulmate" turned out to have lingering luggage from his 11-year previous relationship. He over-analyzed everything. By mid-week, he turned from the charming, straightforward, spontaneous person I had met to a completely different person that I could no longer recognize. I do think he is a good person. He is just not prepared for a relationship.

    So I can say that the quality of guys I am dating is now higher--all of them had long-term relationships, have successful careers, and stable emotions. However, it does not mean that they are not "carrying baggage" from before.

    If you find out the formula, please share it!
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    Mar 11, 2011 7:01 PM GMT
    Guys,

    I just want to say thank you. I find most of you on RJ are some of the nicest and most authentic guys around. Think you're all awesome! And you all confirmed things I've thought- I refuse to second date a guy who is not out to his parents. I told him today. I spent enough time lying. I'm not doing it for someone else.
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    Mar 11, 2011 7:02 PM GMT
    Matty_WIP saidGuys that seems really insecure and needing validation at the beginning of a relationship. The worst guy I ever dated was this way. By the end of the 3 month relationship he didn't give a shit about me, even started pulling asshole moves just to get me to break up with him because he was too much of a pussy to do it himself.

    In the end, he just wanted to know that a guy like me could be into him. Once he had that, he quickly got bored.

    Since then I've added insecure guys to my list of "undateables". They have to love themselves before they can ever know how to love me.



    Wow

    Spoken like a true bitch. Saying something when you're really talking about yourself.

    Regina-animations-mean-girls-4548718-355




  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 11, 2011 7:13 PM GMT
    We are complex human beings, and I believe most of us deserve more than one chance to present ourselves.

    But good indicators do exist for men that I would not keep on dating:

    1) Lack of compassion: if he makes fun of the dyslexic colleague, if he thinks poor people are just lazy or evil...

    2) Peacock mentality: if he just can't get over how handsome he is, if he constantly asks your opinion on his shoes, clothing, etc.... [Growing up, I was traumatized by a mother who was desperate for self-assurance.]

    3) Obsession with celebrities: if his references consist entirely of Britney this, Angelina that, if he spends most of his free time on TMZ, and if he talks down to people who are not into this stuff...



    The only thing I can think of is to run for the hills if any of the above is found in a date.
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    Mar 11, 2011 7:13 PM GMT
    Fivealive said
    Matty_WIP saidGuys that seems really insecure and needing validation at the beginning of a relationship. The worst guy I ever dated was this way. By the end of the 3 month relationship he didn't give a shit about me, even started pulling asshole moves just to get me to break up with him because he was too much of a pussy to do it himself.

    In the end, he just wanted to know that a guy like me could be into him. Once he had that, he quickly got bored.

    Since then I've added insecure guys to my list of "undateables". They have to love themselves before they can ever know how to love me.



    Wow

    Spoken like a true bitch. Saying something when you're really talking about yourself.

    Regina-animations-mean-girls-4548718-355






    Im confused, how is saying I dont want to date someone who is insecure being bitchy?

    It is annoying when you constantly have to compliment someone to make them feel good about themselves. Yes, we all get down from time to time, but if I find a guy hot i dont want to keep hearing how he hates his body, and he isnt happy when he looks in the mirror, etc etc,

    Jealousy is another big one too, especially over things you cant control.
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    Mar 11, 2011 10:01 PM GMT
    blactor saidI date guys who can't communicate, say how wonderful I am then pull back, seem to not be emotionally in tune etc. I dated someone last night who seems nice but is in 2 minds whether to stay in London or go back to his country. It is an alarm bell for me. I also think everyone is so scared of getting hurt and being real they won't take risks! And I feel that being warm, direct, caring and sensitive is a crime over and above the Holocaust according to many gay men! Like being real is anathema!


    1) Guys aren't very aware of thier emotions. It's a common problem.

    2) Just keep being yourself. The truth in your integrity will shine through, and you will get your guy. Although, he won't be perfect. That's reality.

    3) Hyperbole is annoying.
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    Mar 11, 2011 10:19 PM GMT
    Chainers said
    Fivealive said
    Matty_WIP saidGuys that seems really insecure and needing validation at the beginning of a relationship. The worst guy I ever dated was this way. By the end of the 3 month relationship he didn't give a shit about me, even started pulling asshole moves just to get me to break up with him because he was too much of a pussy to do it himself.

    In the end, he just wanted to know that a guy like me could be into him. Once he had that, he quickly got bored.

    Since then I've added insecure guys to my list of "undateables". They have to love themselves before they can ever know how to love me.



    Wow

    Spoken like a true bitch. Saying something when you're really talking about yourself.

    Regina-animations-mean-girls-4548718-355






    Im confused, how is saying I dont want to date someone who is insecure being bitchy?

    It is annoying when you constantly have to compliment someone to make them feel good about themselves. Yes, we all get down from time to time, but if I find a guy hot i dont want to keep hearing how he hates his body, and he isnt happy when he looks in the mirror, etc etc,

    Jealousy is another big one too, especially over things you cant control.


    i dated a guy that kept mentioning how much he hated his belly fat.. that wasnt even noticeable, i thought it was cute at first, but at one point he really did get on my nerves by saying how much he hated the way he looked.. its like come.. i like you the way you are.. stop it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 11, 2011 10:26 PM GMT
    blactor saidI date guys who can't communicate, say how wonderful I am then pull back, seem to not be emotionally in tune etc. I dated someone last night who seems nice but is in 2 minds whether to stay in London or go back to his country. It is an alarm bell for me. I also think everyone is so scared of getting hurt and being real they won't take risks! And I feel that being warm, direct, caring and sensitive is a crime over and above the Holocaust according to many gay men! Like being real is anathema!


    What?

    So you went on a date with someone you don't care for. Okay. You saw the warning signs and will never go on a date with him again, right?

    I am still not seeing what your problem is. If you are looking for a way to find out if you are compatible with people, that is dating. Keep doing it. If you are looking for a way to divine if you are a match with someone in the long term before even meeting so you only date people you like, sorry there is no way.
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    Mar 11, 2011 11:40 PM GMT
    Fivealive said
    Matty_WIP saidGuys that seems really insecure and needing validation at the beginning of a relationship. The worst guy I ever dated was this way. By the end of the 3 month relationship he didn't give a shit about me, even started pulling asshole moves just to get me to break up with him because he was too much of a pussy to do it himself.

    In the end, he just wanted to know that a guy like me could be into him. Once he had that, he quickly got bored.

    Since then I've added insecure guys to my list of "undateables". They have to love themselves before they can ever know how to love me.



    Wow

    Spoken like a true bitch. Saying something when you're really talking about yourself.

    Regina-animations-mean-girls-4548718-355



    Hmm, before this turns into a flame war, let me explain the situation a bit.

    He wasn't your regular guy who has his little insecurities. He was the kinda guy that would go to parties and find excuses to lift up his shirt and have guys swoon over his abs. He even had his friends in on it. His buddy would bring strangers over to show off his friends body, right in front of me. This was at a friends loft party, not even the place to be yanking up your shirt.

    His insecurity showed up early on, when he needed me to kiss him on our third date to prove that I liked him.

    At the six week mark, it became clear he wasn't acting like he was that into me, and by the 2.5 month mark, after dealing with loads of his bullshit I ended it. I realized that deep down, he doesn't like himself much and needs others to make him feel good about who he is... turns out his sculpted abs and toned body were just his security blanket.

    I could go on, but I don't really feel the need to divulge more. Lots of other issues boiled up, and after talking to him I realized he hadn't put much, if any thought into his own emotional growth. The boy was all surface, and after sincerely trying to make things work with this guy, I ended up being the one walking away hurt. So from here on out, when a guy requires me to validate him early on in a relationship, its a big red flag, and I won't continue to date him.
  • JockChefJim

    Posts: 373

    Mar 12, 2011 12:00 AM GMT
    misternick saidListen to your friends and family. If they don't like him "for some reason," then I realize I'm not seeing something that should be obvious.



    Bad advice here. I had a boyfriend years ago who had a friend tell him to dump me only after a couple of hours of meeting me. Said I was waaay to controling over him. Where she got this baffles my mind because I made a three hour car trip with him even though I was feeling sick,and it was obvious I was not feeling well, but since she was moving out of country and I knew how important she was to him......I made the trip and kind of kept to myself so they could chat and have fun. After a couple of hours of debating us breaking up while still on the trip and me still feeling sick, he realized that she was wrong. Hell...even her husband told her she was waay off and needed to mind her own bussiness.

    Another friend of his (Who also hardly had said boo to me.) didn't think I was "A-list" enough for him. God bless my ex for trying but his friend's bad influence over him made him break up with me......later he admited he was being selfish.

    Friend's are sometimes way to close and blind.