In love with a closeted guy

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    Mar 13, 2011 5:15 PM GMT
    I met this guy last year, and we've been spending a lot of time together, and we've really gotten to know each other really well. At first it started off as a friendship (as it stands, he's my best friend), but I started to feel something else as the relationship progressed. He's comfortable with, more correctly enjoys, enough physical contact that I'm pretty much convinced that he's bi/gay, and that he really has feelings toward me too. Yet, he vehemently swears that he's straight, and that he's not into that.

    I told him how I felt -- that I was in love with him -- and he said that he suspected, but that he's not gay. He also affirmed that it wasn't going to adversely affect our friendship. However, the next weekend, we ended up spending the night at one of my friend's houses in the same bed, spooning. We even woke up in the morning, got something to eat (now sober) and then returned to bed to spoon again.

    This isn't an isolated instance -- he seems to oscillate between very (sexually) affectionate, and very stand-offish.

    I just don't know what to do -- I mean, I really care for him, and I don't want to do anything that will hurt him. It's just incredibly difficult to try and get over someone that seems to be equally attracted to me.
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    Mar 13, 2011 5:23 PM GMT
    I think you need to be aware the likelihood of him going. "Gay" for you is remote. He's vacillating and sounds confused. I would advise you to back off and take things slowly. The one who will get hurt is you.
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    Mar 14, 2011 6:31 PM GMT
    I'm struggling with my logical side, which is telling me exactly what you said, and the romantic side that doesn't want to let go. We spend a lot of time together--we're in the same circle of friends, same student organizations and we work together--which probably doesn't help things.
  • BIG_N_TALL

    Posts: 2190

    Mar 14, 2011 6:38 PM GMT
    If I had to guess, I'd say he is gay/bi, but extremely conflicted/confused. You probably should back off a little. If he is the instigator of affection and/or physical contact, I'd say go along with it if you want it. If you push him beyond his comfort zone, he will back away and you will be the one hurt.

    .....or...... he might be a straight guy who just loves the attention. It's odd, but I have found some straight guys love being idolized by gay men, but I have yet to see a straight guy who has actively pursued the affection or physical contact you have described.
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    Mar 14, 2011 6:54 PM GMT
    i am in the same boat kid, for about a year now. he extended to me and i kinda was resistant... i dont know if this "straight" best friend will ever extend his self the way he did again... so i say the ball is in your court. be agressive
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    Mar 14, 2011 7:32 PM GMT
    Your romantic side is based on a fantasy. Your logical side is alerting your instincts.

    Don't do it. You're gonna get hurt.
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    Mar 14, 2011 7:36 PM GMT
    You don't mention an age, and not that it matters but it sounds like he's struggling with his own sexuality. Spooning feels good, and whatever else comes along with it probably does, too. But it doesn't sound like he's at all ready to open up or admit anything. I concur with the others who suggest that you back off, or risk getting hurt and/or possibly losing what sounds like a nice friendship.
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    Mar 15, 2011 12:55 AM GMT
    He might be closeted, and I'd recommend not doing anything with him. If he is coming to terms with being gay/bi then he has a lot going on right now and he could use a friend more than the confusion of a possible relationship. After he has had time to come out, then you're better off pursuing a relationship.

    More likely, I think he is straight, like he told you. You two spooning doesn't make him gay. He's comfortable enough around you to spoon with you, or he values your friendship and is spooning with you because he doesn't want to lose you as a friend.

    He's a friend and must have some great qualities for you to want to be best friends. It might seem natural to want to pursue a romantic/sexual relationship with the guy since you two already have a great connection. Don't!
    Value your friendship for what it is.
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    Mar 15, 2011 12:57 AM GMT
    Ermine saidHe might be closeted, and I'd recommend not doing anything with him. If he is coming to terms with being gay/bi then he has a lot going on right now and he could use a friend more than the confusion of a possible relationship. After he has had time to come out, then you're better off pursuing a relationship.

    More likely, I think he is straight, like he told you. You two spooning doesn't make him gay. He's comfortable enough around you to spoon with you, or he values your friendship and is spooning with you because he doesn't want to lose you as a friend.

    He's a friend and must have some great qualities for you to want to be best friends. It might seem natural to want to pursue a romantic/sexual relationship with the guy since you two already have a great connection. Don't!
    Value your friendship for what it is.


    this^
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Mar 15, 2011 12:59 AM GMT
    i think you need to distance yourself from him dude. i think you are setting yourself up for a serious heartbreak. i mean it seems like is just having fun and you are getting more emotionally caught up. i think if you keep trying to see more into this than it is you are going to get hurt in the end.
  • XxXxXxAZNxXxX...

    Posts: 615

    Mar 15, 2011 12:59 AM GMT
    I have a similar situation with this dude @ school. I say just keep doing what you are doing. Look how far you have come already from not being totally out there. Just be chill about the relationship and I'm sure things will work out. icon_smile.gif
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    Mar 15, 2011 1:09 AM GMT
    At the very least he's confused. I had been there so his situation is not necessarily unique. If you want to hang around to find out if he's going to accept his sexuality ultimately (assuming he's not straight, and frankly from your description I don't think he's completely hetero), then hang around if you think it would be worth it--but be prepared for the worst case scenario. If you have any doubt at all that he would change, and you really want something more from him other than friendship, then drop it and move on. On the other hand, if you can be platonic friends with him and you can handle the situation without going berserk, then it might be worth developing a friendship with him. Ultimately, the question is whether you can handle the end result, whatever that turns out to be, like a mature adult.
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    Mar 15, 2011 1:44 AM GMT
    derPinguin saidI'm struggling with my logical side, which is telling me exactly what you said, and the romantic side that doesn't want to let go. We spend a lot of time together--we're in the same circle of friends, same student organizations and we work together--which probably doesn't help things.


    Logic comes from the brain, but emotion comes from the heart. (BostonVball says this icon_wink.gif ) We cant really tell what your friend is going to do in the end (its not always like the movies), but if you really doesn't want to ruin the friendship, you should keep it just the way it is, with affections and spoonings.

    I said that because I know exactly how you feel. I have a best friend like this as well. He doesn't want to have sex in any form and confronts me at times but what confuses me is that he doesn't care if I hold him or touch him (anywhere) or even showering together. And we have had plenty sessions of spooning like you, when he requests that we should sleep together and talk at night... Weird I know. But we remain the bestest of friends even when he moved.

    My conclusion is that he is straight but that is just how some guys show affection. Maybe that is true male bonding. icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Mar 15, 2011 2:45 AM GMT
    Be very cautious with this one. I had a best friend who was straight that liked to spoon. It got to the point where I was jerking him off and licking his body up and down and him rubbing me - he would initiate. Then one day I confronted him about his feelings and bam, that was the end of it. He found a girlfriend a couple weeks later to declare his straightness. I really hate these guys who won't be honest with you.
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    Mar 15, 2011 2:46 AM GMT
    mikkeb saidBe very cautious with this one. I had a best friend who was straight that liked to spoon. It got to the point where I was jerking him off and licking his body up and down and him rubbing me - he would initiate. Then one day I confronted him about his feelings and bam, that was the end of it. He found a girlfriend a couple weeks later to declare his straightness. I really hate these guys who won't be honest with you.


    wow, such a coward. Sorry to hear that man
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    Mar 15, 2011 4:05 AM GMT
    For further details, we're both 22 and in college; he (after the dorms / an apartment) no lives with his dad. Religion seems to be a factor -- until he met me, he had been told his entire life that being gay was a choice, and honestly, I think I maybe the only (uncloseted) gay guy he's spent any amount of time with.

    We're going camping this week and I'm really telling myself that I will instigate nothing, but also reject nothing. We'll see how that works out. I think those who are recommending some time apart have a valid point, but its not something I'm really prepared to do at this time.

    Thanks for all of the advice.
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    Mar 15, 2011 4:08 AM GMT
    Let us know how camping goes!! icon_razz.gif If he is a good guy deep down, I think he will at least acknowlege his feelings eventually with you. Just go with the flow for now and enjoy.
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    Mar 15, 2011 4:12 AM GMT
    mikkeb saidLet us know how camping goes!! icon_razz.gif If he is a good guy deep down, I think he will at least acknowlege his feelings eventually with you. Just go with the flow for now and enjoy.


    I would have to agree -- I think he'll acknowledge it at some point. I try to think back to the time when I was, for lack of better terms, trying to pray the gay away, and how long it took me to get over that. That phase lasted about a year, after which point it was almost a year thereafter before I told anyone that I was gay. If I were to know that on a specific date, he would come out, waiting wouldn't be a big deal. However, its the unknown that's making it tough.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11819

    Mar 15, 2011 4:29 AM GMT
    He has all the control playing the closet card.....He sees ya when he wants....No ties to a formal relationship....Personally I left this type of shit behind long ago but if you are happy with what you got....which is little...All the best....BUD
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    Mar 15, 2011 4:32 AM GMT

    "Yet, he vehemently swears that he's straight, and that he's not into that."

    I think you should take him at his word.
    Drop him (romantically) and get on with possibility and the potential of the unknown, rather than wistful speculation. I think you'd be happier with someone capable of stating their case and declaring how they feel about you without all the cloak and dagger. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug
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    Mar 15, 2011 4:32 AM GMT
    What the hell is with all these gay guys falling for closet cases? Seriously, this is getting tired and it seems like every two threads the same story and scenario is being played out.

    You know whether the dude is gay or not. Stop second guessing yourself and stop entertaining his insecurities. Stop dealing with closet cases because ultimately and each and every time, you, the openly gay person who magically falls for "I'm not gay" guy (I get a personal kick at how quickly the "L" bomb is dropped) will get hurt by this confused and denial living individual.

    Personally, I think it's your own fault and you've no one to blame for the outcome but yourself in this situation. You know better. How can you find a closet case but can't find an open gay person? It just doesn't add up when you think about it. Why would you want to be with someone who can't and doesn't accept who he is let alone accept who you are? That's a red flag and in all honesty if he can't accept who is then you shouldn't be hoping for a good ending because it is not gonna happen until he can deal with himself and come to terms about who he is. Weakness is not attractive in any form. $5 says he announces himself as straight when with his friends, keeps you in his back pocket, cracks jokes about gays and probably doesn't introduce you and if he does he says "This is my gay friend" and not "This is the guy who sexes me up good". What a slap in the face but if you're gonna tolerate that then complaining about it is moot and it makes you look weak too. YUP!...weak buddy. Deal with it.

    Closet cases are only good for one thing. Fucking. There, I said it and everybody knows it. So as long as you are cool with just be a fuck bud and have no intentions of something serious with this dude then I say kudos. Otherwise, you need to step off this dudes coat tail and let him travel down his road of confusion and denial by himself because if you continue on with YOU and you alone will be the only who gets hurt because he is not gonna ever give you what you want or what you really need.

    Can I get an Amen over here? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!
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    Mar 15, 2011 4:36 AM GMT
    Guy101 saidWhat the hell is with all these gay guys falling for closet cases? Seriously, this is getting tired and it seems like every two threads the same story and scenario is being played out.

    You know whether the dude is gay or not. Stop second guessing yourself and stop entertaining his insecurities. Stop dealing with closet cases because ultimately and each and every time, you, the openly gay person who magically falls for "I'm not gay" guy (I get a personal kick at how quickly the "L" bomb is dropped) will get hurt by this confused and denial living individual.

    Personally, I think it's your own fault and you've no one to blame for the outcome but yourself in this situation. You know better. How can you find a closet case but can't find an open gay person? It just doesn't add up when you think about it. Why would you want to be with someone who can't and doesn't accept who he is let alone accept who you are? That's a red flag and in all honesty if he can't accept who is then you shouldn't be hoping for a good ending because it is not gonna happen until he can deal with himself and come to terms about who he is. Weakness is not attractive in any form. $5 says he announces himself as straight when with his friends, cracks jokes about gays and probably doesn't introduce you and if he does he says "This is my gay friend". What a slap in the face but if you're gonna tolerate that then complaining about it a moot.

    Closet cases are only good for one thing. Fucking. There, I said it and everybody knows it. So as long as you are cool with just be a fuck bud and have no intentions of something serious with this dude then I say kudos. Otherwise you need to step off this dudes coat tail and let him travel down his road of confusion and denial by himself because if you continue on with YOU and you alone will be the only who gets hurt.

    Can I get an Amen over here? WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!


    lol AMEN! I wish everyone is as wise as some of YOU in RJ are. Maybe we are young and stupid and really need a slap in the face.. *sigh*
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 15, 2011 4:41 AM GMT
    All jokes aside, yes, ya'll do need a nice slap in the face. LOL.


    [url][/url]
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 15, 2011 4:42 AM GMT
    Guy101 saidAll jokes aside, yes, ya'll do need a nice slap in the face. LOL.


    [url][/url]



    HUGE Rofl!

  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Mar 15, 2011 4:45 AM GMT
    It seems I'm siding with majority opinion here, but if you're not getting your needs met, then you shouldn't wait to see if he comes around if you're patient enough. It's almost certainly going to a maddening exercise.

    Move on, for your own emotional health and self-esteem.

    He can't give you what you need. Find someone who can.