New bf-material on dating sites all the time

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 14, 2011 7:23 AM GMT
    So I met this guy from one of those dating sites. You know, the ones that everyone says "that's a hookup site" but then people like me have profiles on them to find a LTR.

    Anyway, met someone there, really like him. We've been seeing each other for only three weeks but seem to get along perfectly. We've had three legit dates and joked about sex after the second date, but he said he was just joking too, and that it felt too soon.

    But then he was going to be going out of town for a couple days and our schedules didn't allow us to see each other before he left except the night before... so I stayed over. We tried to "be good" but ended up messing around. The next day he left for his trip. I wished him well via text on his way there, and whereas he usually responds instantly, it took him nearly a day to get back to me.

    Since he's returned from his trip (today) I haven't heard from him, despite another text I've sent asking about his plans at the end of the month for seeing a show.

    AND since we last saw each other he's been logged into one of those dating sites. Granted, it was only "date #4" and it was only a fews days ago, but I'm starting to wonder if his interest is flagging?

    Should I be at all concerned that he's still logging into that site? It is still only four dates in, and we've only known each other for three weeks, so it doesn't seem all that strange, but it's still frustrating because I'm pretty into him.

    Help, please.
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    Mar 14, 2011 2:12 PM GMT
    it's a little early but my guess is that he is not as into you the way you are with him. I'd say the ball is in his court now. Move on with your life. Definitely don't contact him again. Let him contact you. If there is interest on his side he will. There is nothing worse then someone who doesn't take the hint and non-returned messages are a hint.
  • bad_wolf

    Posts: 1002

    Mar 14, 2011 2:16 PM GMT
    Write him off, sorry to say, he maybe busy, may have stuff on. In which case sooner or later he might text back, in which case, plan accordingly for that point.
    In the meantime, best not to wait around for him.
    Shame though, it feels like it's going so well and then poof, gone in a puff of smoke. Sucks when that happens.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 14, 2011 2:58 PM GMT
    Use the RJ rule-of-thumb: If he doesn't reciprocate your attention and there is an imbalance in communication, his interest is not quite there anymore. The rule applies whether it's texting, phone calls, or meetings in person. I learned it on this site and it always applies.

  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Mar 14, 2011 3:09 PM GMT
    marcobruno1978 saidUse the RJ rule-of-thumb: If he doesn't reciprocate your attention and there is an imbalance in communication, his interest is not quite there anymore. The rule applies whether it's texting, phone calls, or meetings in person. I learned it on this site and it always applies.



    I would absolutely agree with the above idea.. plus I also am a fairly practical person. Weigh both sides.. yes, he's been busy, but not so busy to get on one of his sites. I'd back off and see whether he responds.. if he doesn't, I'd move on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 14, 2011 3:16 PM GMT
    I wouldn't hang my hat on the guy quite yet, nor would I necessarily give up on him either. Just the fact that you have several dates without sex would indicate that he wasn't seeing you just to get laid the first time. Don't forget that a relationship is two sided and he needs to evaluate and decide about you just as you are about him. He may or may not have the same feelings about you and he may be mauling it all over or he might have decided to look for someone else. It's not uncommon for guys to 'ignore' another guy because it's hard to communicate a lack of interest when you've been involved intimately with a guy. It's almost a feeling of betrayal on both sides, one for doing something and thinking it might not be for you and the other for having someone ignore you and leaving you 'up in the air'. Take a deep breath and realize that it might not materialize and it doesn't necessarily make him a bad person, just a lousy communicator.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 14, 2011 3:28 PM GMT
    Feelings between two gay guys can disappear very quickly--be it pure physical attraction, infatuation, crush, hero-worship, and even love. I, myself, have a very fickle heart and, regrettably, sometimes it doesn't take much for me to have a change of heart. You have to accept the fact that people's feelings change--and they can change drastically in a flick of a second. Enjoy your time with him and make the most out of it without any expectation of anything more. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. I agree with the guys on here, however, that it's a two-way street: the feelings have to be mutual. Don't sweat it if he's still using other hookup sites, salivating over other men, or actually hooking up discriminately or indiscriminately. You can do the same, and you should. I certainly would. Don't put all your eggs in one basket, especially not this one.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 14, 2011 3:47 PM GMT
    Men in the old days used to court- court- and court! and their deep interest clearly showed. If a man truly wants something his interest will be there. I promise you if he wanted to get into your pants like a hot hook up. He would be sending messages every hour!. If I am giving you attention and its not being reciprocate. I lose interest myself fast. Thats why I am single maybe.

    Granted - he might have been busy for one day but the next day or so you should hear from him - and with deep regret why he didnt contact you. He should fear losing you if he really is into you.

    I dont allow people to play with my heart although there have been some fakers in the past who got close to it. Nothing some bandages or bypass won't fix. I d say give it a few more attempts and let it go.

    Good luck finding the one and if he is still out on the dating sites with a very active profile chances are he hasn't considered you to mean more to him then any of the dating site candidates.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 14, 2011 3:50 PM GMT
    Have you told him you're really into him, or do you think he must know?

    I sometimes get tired of all the guys saying, move on there are other fish...
    Truth is, there's not.
    Step out of your comfort zone and make a romantic gesture.
    Could you end up looking like fool? ...Maybe, but you got to out shine the other bright objects in the box; at least stay in the race till you get disqualified for being to aggressive.
    ...God knows we hate aggressive men.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 14, 2011 4:12 PM GMT
    Yea men are weird, that's all I have to say. I kinda ran into the same problem. I met a guy on a hook up site and dated him. We went on the third date, I thought it went well, he sent me a text the next day saying thank you for the evening. I wanted to hang out with him again and he said that was going out of state for a few days and needed to get away. I haven't really heard from him sense.

    Then again he did tell me that he was going into surgery to remove a thyroid gland from his neck, or something like that, and it could have something to do with it.

    Also look back and see who initiates everything. Do you always do the outreaching or do they do it? If he normally outreaches to you it may be in your court to outreach to him a bit more.

    At the end of the day, do what I did. I didn't hear back from the guy so im gonna txt him tomorrow to see if the surgery went well bc i haven't heard from him in a while, but in the mean time I added 2 more guys to the race. One of them should turn out.

    So in short don't count him out, but don't rely on him as well.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 14, 2011 4:34 PM GMT
    Chainers saidYea men are weird, that's all I have to say. I kinda ran into the same problem. I met a guy on a hook up site and dated him. We went on the third date, I thought it went well, he sent me a text the next day saying thank you for the evening. I wanted to hang out with him again and he said that was going out of state for a few days and needed to get away. I haven't really heard from him sense.

    Then again he did tell me that he was going into surgery to remove a thyroid gland from his neck, or something like that, and it could have something to do with it.

    Also look back and see who initiates everything. Do you always do the outreaching or do they do it? If he normally outreaches to you it may be in your court to outreach to him a bit more.

    At the end of the day, do what I did. I didn't hear back from the guy so im gonna txt him tomorrow to see if the surgery went well bc i haven't heard from him in a while, but in the mean time I added 2 more guys to the race. One of them should turn out.

    So in short don't count him out, but don't rely on him as well.


    I agree....
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    Mar 14, 2011 4:48 PM GMT
    Mrnomoreswag said
    Chainers saidYea men are weird, that's all I have to say. I kinda ran into the same problem. I met a guy on a hook up site and dated him. We went on the third date, I thought it went well, he sent me a text the next day saying thank you for the evening. I wanted to hang out with him again and he said that was going out of state for a few days and needed to get away. I haven't really heard from him sense.

    Then again he did tell me that he was going into surgery to remove a thyroid gland from his neck, or something like that, and it could have something to do with it.

    Also look back and see who initiates everything. Do you always do the outreaching or do they do it? If he normally outreaches to you it may be in your court to outreach to him a bit more.

    At the end of the day, do what I did. I didn't hear back from the guy so im gonna txt him tomorrow to see if the surgery went well bc i haven't heard from him in a while, but in the mean time I added 2 more guys to the race. One of them should turn out.

    So in short don't count him out, but don't rely on him as well.


    I agree....


    Thank you, most people I know called me trashy for doing that :-).

    And Thenes, may I add, you are really cute, plus you seem like a nice guy. In the gay world that is hard to find, but if you keep it up you will find a nice guy to go with you. Dont lose hope yet.
  • hdurdinr

    Posts: 699

    Mar 14, 2011 4:53 PM GMT
    I could come up with a plan for everlasting peace in the Middle East sooner than understanding human relationships, especially between two men! Lately in my own abysmal dating life everything seems like a catch-22 -you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't. Everyone here has said not to contact him again - I disagree. Ask him what's up. I met a guy recently I really liked and didn't want to look overly keen so I held back on saying I really liked him - went away on a trip, came back and he had met someone else. When I talked to him he said he didn't know I felt that strongly and assumed I wasn't that interested anymore and that he had really liked me too. See?! -and you might now think, "oh well, next time you'll know just to say what you feel" - and when I do that the guy generally backs off because I've come on too strong. I H A T E D A T I N G! Finding that balance is oh so hard. I wish you the best of luck - if it doesn't work out with this guy then I hope you find someone else soon who will like you just as much as you like him icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 14, 2011 4:55 PM GMT
    hdurdinr saidI could come up with a plan for everlasting peace in the Middle East sooner than understanding human relationships, especially between two men! Lately in my own abysmal dating life everything seems like a catch-22 -you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't. Everyone here has said not to contact him again - I disagree. Ask him what's up. I met a guy recently I really liked and didn't want to look overly keen so I held back on saying I really liked him - went away on a trip, came back and he had met someone else. When I talked to him he said he didn't know I felt that strongly and assumed I wasn't that interested anymore and that he had really liked me too. See?! -and you might now think, "oh well, next time you'll know just to say what you feel" - and when I do that the guy generally backs off because I've come on too strong. I H A T E D A T I N G! Finding that balance is oh so hard. I wish you the best of luck - if it doesn't work out with this guy then I hope you find someone else soon who will like you just as much as you like him icon_smile.gif


    Wow good story man, thats really insightful. Ill remember that when it comes to outreaching to my guy soon.

    Thanks.
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    Mar 14, 2011 8:24 PM GMT
    I don't think I explained the situation very well. Up until this point, he had been the one to initiate texts and the actual dates themselves (and the intimacy, for that matter). There had been times where I was too busy with work or whatnot to respond and I would get an adorable "How's your day going, handsome?" text six hours later anyway. Loved that stuff.

    But since we've been intimate, the only responses I've had from him was when I mentioned that the intimacy was certainly unexpected but nice and asked how his day was going (to which he replied he'd had a long, long day and was just laying in bed reflecting on it) and then one wishing him good luck on his business trip. He replied back "Thanks handsome, it should go really well!" or something to that effect.

    And I haven't heard from him since. That was two days ago. Yesterday he got back to town, and according to facebook updates (jeeze, I feel like a stalker) he took a nap, then met some friends (females) to eat at the Cheesecake Factory.

    I messaged him about seeing that show at the end of the month, but have heard nothing back.

    But he has been logged into that dating site (via phone usually) pretty consistently since we've been intimate.

    I can understand that he's been busy and stuff, and maybe simply doesn't know if he's interested in seeing that show or doesn't know if he's available that day. And I can understand the need to log into that dating site: keeping options open isn't so terrible. But he seemed to really like me. I mean, he said those exact words.

    So... the intimacy killed it?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 14, 2011 8:30 PM GMT
    Yes mate the intimacy killed it. For some reason, he flaked out and it's now time to move on. I know it hurts you but you need to write him off now before you get more hurt and upset.
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    Mar 14, 2011 9:02 PM GMT
    Wait, so you met this guy on a website that everyone says is a "hookup site". He has sex with you, stops talking to you afterwards and is now back on this "hookup site". I don't know dude. It sounds a lot like a tap and run. *tap*tap*peace homie*run*
  • swimmermatt10...

    Posts: 281

    Mar 14, 2011 9:08 PM GMT
    yourname2000 saidTough to say man.

    There's a chance that something traumatic came up (family-, work-, life-related) and because yours is a brand new relationship he may feel it's inappropriate to involve you (and I say that because it recently happened to me, although no date was impacted...my life was just suddenly sidetracked.) If he's an independent guy, he may not know how to deal with the idea of communicating to you.

    Of course, it's unsettling that he's back on that site.

    I feel for ya, 'cos if it was me, all my (many) insecurities would be bubbling up and I'd be feeling the same thing. If he just got back today, and you only sent him your txt about the show today, you might want to afford him a little time to respond. But if he doesn't within a day or two, I would probably want some closure.

    If you had another way of contacting him (phone, email) you could contact him again with a short message that "hey, we're grown men here. If it's not happening, no harm-no foul, let's just identify it and move on. But if there's something going on in your life and you just need some time to deal with it, let me know. I like you, so I want to see if there's a next step. But if there isn't, let's just appreciate a good time together and wish each other well."

    Big hugs man. As Tom Petty told us, "the waiting is the hardest part." icon_wink.gif


    That right there is what I would do. I absolutely HATE when a guy doesn't have the balls to tell someone off or to say they aren't interested so instead they ignore you and leave you waiting for a week or so until you have finally come to your senses and realized he isn't into you anymore. It sucks. Hopefully he is grown enough to give you closure so you aren't constantly thinking about it and not knowing what it going on. Good luck to you. I've been in this situation too many times for my own good.
  • swimmermatt10...

    Posts: 281

    Mar 14, 2011 9:09 PM GMT
    AvadaKedavra saidWait, so you met this guy on a website that everyone says is a "hookup site". He has sex with you, stops talking to you afterwards and is now back on this "hookup site". I don't know dude. It sounds a lot like a tap and run. *tap*tap*peace homie*run*


    I don't know a whole lot of guys that will take someone out on 3 dates over a 3 week period just to get laid...seems like too much effort when he could find someone who is clearly just looking for sex and get it that much quicker.
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    Mar 14, 2011 9:19 PM GMT
    swimmermatt101 said
    AvadaKedavra saidWait, so you met this guy on a website that everyone says is a "hookup site". He has sex with you, stops talking to you afterwards and is now back on this "hookup site". I don't know dude. It sounds a lot like a tap and run. *tap*tap*peace homie*run*


    I don't know a whole lot of guys that will take someone out on 3 dates over a 3 week period just to get laid...seems like too much effort when he could find someone who is clearly just looking for sex and get it that much quicker.


    You must not know a lot of players. If you want to tap an ass and that ass just wants something serious. What would be your best strategy? Pretend that you want something serious probably. Its not that much more work and it makes the chase a little more challenging. This happens to girls all the time too. Its like the premise of every romantic comedy i.e. Valentines Day. Girl puts out too soon, girl wonders why guy doesn't call anymore, yada yada yada. I know this all too well since my girl friends have cried to me about it way too often.
  • JockChefJim

    Posts: 373

    Mar 14, 2011 9:23 PM GMT
    swimmermatt101 said
    AvadaKedavra saidWait, so you met this guy on a website that everyone says is a "hookup site". He has sex with you, stops talking to you afterwards and is now back on this "hookup site". I don't know dude. It sounds a lot like a tap and run. *tap*tap*peace homie*run*


    I don't know a whole lot of guys that will take someone out on 3 dates over a 3 week period just to get laid...seems like too much effort when he could find someone who is clearly just looking for sex and get it that much quicker.


    Oh no. They exists. In an abundance unfortunately. They are in it for the chase and once they get them.....the chase is done and they move on.

    ON THAT NOTE.......NOT necessarily what happened to the OP. Seriously it could be anything. As others have mentioned. The ball is in his court now. You reached out to him and if he truely is still interested , he will contact you as soon as he can. Don't give up.......dateable guys who will appreciate you are out there.....sometimes you just have to endure some of the games and let downs.
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    Mar 14, 2011 9:26 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]Chainers said[/cite]
    Mrnomoreswag said
    Chainers saidYea men are weird, that's all I have to say. I kinda ran into the same problem. I met a guy on a hook up site and dated him. We went on the third date, I thought it went well, he sent me a text the next day saying thank you for the evening. I wanted to hang out with him again and he said that was going out of state for a few days and needed to get away. I haven't really heard from him sense.

    Then again he did tell me that he was going into surgery to remove a thyroid gland from his neck, or something like that, and it could have something to do with it.

    Also look back and see who initiates everything. Do you always do the outreaching or do they do it? If he normally outreaches to you it may be in your court to outreach to him a bit more.

    At the end of the day, do what I did. I didn't hear back from the guy so im gonna txt him tomorrow to see if the surgery went well bc i haven't heard from him in a while, but in the mean time I added 2 more guys to the race. One of them should turn out.

    So in short don't count him out, but don't rely on him as well.


    Uhhh the thyroid is a realllllly important gland hahaha. you should probably wish him well, hes probably not doing so hot.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 14, 2011 9:31 PM GMT
    SexyN3rd said[quote][cite]Chainers said[/cite]
    Mrnomoreswag said
    Chainers saidYea men are weird, that's all I have to say. I kinda ran into the same problem. I met a guy on a hook up site and dated him. We went on the third date, I thought it went well, he sent me a text the next day saying thank you for the evening. I wanted to hang out with him again and he said that was going out of state for a few days and needed to get away. I haven't really heard from him sense.

    Then again he did tell me that he was going into surgery to remove a thyroid gland from his neck, or something like that, and it could have something to do with it.

    Also look back and see who initiates everything. Do you always do the outreaching or do they do it? If he normally outreaches to you it may be in your court to outreach to him a bit more.

    At the end of the day, do what I did. I didn't hear back from the guy so im gonna txt him tomorrow to see if the surgery went well bc i haven't heard from him in a while, but in the mean time I added 2 more guys to the race. One of them should turn out.

    So in short don't count him out, but don't rely on him as well.


    Uhhh the thyroid is a realllllly important gland hahaha. you should probably wish him well, hes probably not doing so hot.


    Yea I know, I sent him a txt the day of and said "just wanted to say hope all goes well today" to which he responded immediately with "thank you."

    The guy seems nice, Im gonna call him today after work to see how it went and probably offer to make him Dinner. After that it really is in his court.

    Especially because after our 3rd date which we fooled around a bit he took down his sexual role, and that he was looking for a relationship on the site I found him on, so he seems like a good guy.
  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    Mar 14, 2011 9:33 PM GMT
    If you know all this and you have never talked to him, then there is no relationship icon_razz.gif

    He can't tell you what is going on so you have to go on his FaceBook??

    I could go on a rant about Facebook and other sites and how they are ruining society but you can figure it out icon_razz.gif

    Plus the whole, "oh he's busy" thing is a bunch of crap. A truly good guy who is interested in you would let you know what's going on and not leave you in the dark. I just think that people don't care about people anymore icon_sad.gif

    Busy or not, he should be communicating with you

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 14, 2011 9:35 PM GMT
    This is easy for me to write but it's going to be difficult for you to accept.

    He's not into and he never was. You engineered a hook up and he saw enough to know he didn't want to pursue it any further. Time to move on.