Confused by this guy and my/his sexuality

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 15, 2011 12:20 AM GMT
    So I'm 20 years old and I've been having an identity crisis since high school. Sometimes I think I'm gay, sometimes I don't. I do have an attraction towards guys, but I find that when I come really close to actually doing something with a guy (which has only happened once or twice in my life, and it was years ago), I get very uncomfortable and do not go any further. Sometimes when I really sit back and relax and think about who I am, I picture myself having sex with girls and actually enjoying it, and eventually one day settling down and having a family. But I'm not going to deny that I find men sexually attractive. I just don't think I want to actually act on it as much as I sometimes think I do, which makes me think maybe this whole thing about guys is just a fantasy...

    Anyway, my neighbor who lives 2 houses down is only a few months younger than me. We grew up together and during our childhood, we hung out almost every day. He doesn't "act gay" and is actually very masculine. He's into all sports, rides motorcycles, 4-wheelers, very athletic, etc.

    However, back when I was 13 there was an incident where we got really close in an intimate way. Actually, a few incidents. I remember one time we were sitting on the bed playing video games in my brothers room and we started playing footsy and I put my foot in his crotch and he seemed to like it. Then I could feel his foot in between my legs, and when someone walked in the room we quickly separated, even though this was all happening under a blanket. And again another time, we were laying on the couch playing video games at his house and I basically stuck my legs underneath him because I felt attracted to him. He turned around and smiled, and didn't move or feel uncomfortable. We would sometimes play around and wrestle and end up in a sexual position, but we would just pretend like we were horsing around, yet he kept wanting to do it, and seemingly enjoyed it. After all these incidents happened though, I felt "yucky" yet it happened more than once.

    The final time something like this happened was when we had a sleepover one night. I remember we were laying on his floor with blankets and pillows, and we started playing footsy with each other once again. I remember rubbing my knee against his crotch and then he wrapped my legs around his waist and we layed tightly together. All of a sudden I became very uncomfortable, and he asked me why or something, but I don't remember what I said. I just remember moving a few feet away from him and sleeping by myself.

    This was over 7 years ago, and I still think about him all the time. Even though he still lives 2 houses down, we aren't really close friends anymore, and never hang out. I still fantasize about him all the time. However, he does have a girlfriend now and doesn't show any signs of being gay. But the few times we have hung out since this all happened, he did seem like he wanted to try fooling around again...not sure why, but I just got that vibe by the way he sat close to me, etc.

    However, I think that if we ever did try something I might get uncomfortable again and cause an awkward situation. So I'm not sure if I'm really gay, or I just have a weird fantasy about being with a guy. And I'm not sure if he is gay or not either, but I think I would like to try something with him. It's just that he has a girlfriend, so I'm not sure how to go about this. We don't talk often so I doubt anything will come of it.

    As far as kissing anyone or ever being in a relationship (male or female), it hasn't happened to me yet. AND I'M 20. I feel like such a loser, but I just don't feel ready yet.

    Anyway, sorry for the long post, but I'd appreciate any thoughts.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 15, 2011 1:51 AM GMT
    You are most likely Bi if you also jerk off to women and fantasize about having sex with them.
  • shiningstar

    Posts: 71

    Mar 15, 2011 5:31 AM GMT
    I also think you are bi,u have to try one more time with anyother guy ant try to discuss this so you can easily decide further
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 16, 2011 4:57 PM GMT
    Yeah, maybe I am bi. Who knows lmao.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 16, 2011 5:07 PM GMT
    it might just be the fact that you've been rejecting your sexuality, or being taught that it's gross etc, that makes you feel uncomfortable with guys. i think with time you'll get comfortable and things will make more sense.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 16, 2011 5:08 PM GMT
    also, 20 isn't that old, most of the population thinks of you as a kid.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Mar 16, 2011 5:09 PM GMT
    you should take him to brokeback mountain. so you can have your cake and eat it, too. then end up with no cake
  • joxguy

    Posts: 247

    Mar 16, 2011 5:30 PM GMT
    I am happily married had the same thoughts at your age and didn't make any real move on it until 25. It ended up being fine and i enjoyed the time with the guy, but didn't need to hook up with guys that often.

    Now later in life, 62 I still like having my time with a guy. It doesn't happen often, basically because I am attracted to younger guys and at my age the ones who like guys my age don't just fall from trees haha.

    What I am getting to, you need to find a situation where you can see if your fantasy is something you really enjoy. Your fear may come from the thought inside "fuck where am I if I like being with a guy?" You are the same guy who may like being with women too. Anyway there you go.

  • Mar 16, 2011 5:30 PM GMT
    There's nothing really that unusual or odd about your experiences, bro. Any time I thought about dudes in a sexual way when I was younger, I immediately felt ashamed and guilty afterward. You kinda get over that as time passes...

    I've always been attracted to both men and women, and it's very possible that you could also have some bisexual tendencies, even though you haven't really explored them yet. You're obviously really young still and have plenty of time to figure it out...BUT, you shouldn't feel obligated to do anything you don't feel comfortable with.

    I'm sure plenty of guys would suggest that you start exploring your sexuality more, but if you really don't want to and it doesn't feel right, you shouldn't. Perhaps you just enjoy the thrill or taboo nature of being with a guy, but it ends there. We're all wired differently, so hard for any of us to know for sure...

    Good luck! We're all here to offer thoughts, anecdotes, etc., if you ever have any questions!
  • massbuildah

    Posts: 276

    Mar 16, 2011 5:36 PM GMT
    The first thing you need to do is relax. It's all ok.
    You can feel attraction for guys and girls and have fantasies for both. Not everything is black and white. Let yourself be free to explore the attraction to both. Let something happen without fear of embarrasment or shame.
    Go hang out with your friend, get to know him again and get comfortable with him. If you feel like he wants to try something, let it happen organically. no pressure, no stress. Feel it and go with it. You won't know how strongly you tend towards guys or girls until you try it. And age doesn't matter, don't worry about that. Good luck and don't put any pressure on yourself, but don't restrict yourself.