Boundaries when dating.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2011 9:38 AM GMT
    Greetings all you wonderful creatures,

    Could you guys give me some tips on good boundaries when dating? Since coming out I have been through the phase when you have one nighters but I don't want that anymore- and I worry that dates are sometimes just "pre meets" rather than dates.

    What are some of the boundaries you guys have instilled to keep your integrity or your sense of honor?
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    Mar 18, 2011 2:21 PM GMT
    If it is a "real" date, I impose very few, if any, artificial boundaries. I go with the flow and I don't buy the "put your best foot forward" or "put your game face on" approach--it doesn't work with me because I don't like fake facades . If it's simply a hook-up, I try to be as dishonorable as I possibly can.
  • monet

    Posts: 1093

    Mar 18, 2011 2:22 PM GMT
    My motto when I go out on dates is fuck 'em and forget 'em.
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    Mar 18, 2011 2:39 PM GMT
    I agree that if you're dating there should be a sense of boundary with the physical stuff.... not always so easy to impose when you like someone, have hormones raging... etc. But in the end we all have the power to control that to some extent.

    Anyway.... I just try to take it slow... let the first few dates be just that. Try not to bring them to your place (you know what happens then!) or go to their place either. Meet somewhere neutral and get to know each other. If the chemistry is right, it will build and by the time you get naked with them.... you'll REALLY want to get naked with them. haha.... but I dont put a specific time frame on when to do what..... I just say... the first few times should just be hanging out more casual-like.

    The rest of it is all up to you. Do what makes you comfortable, and think about your own personality and what will work best in helping you have more meaningful relationships, for you.

    Also, as Dominus said... essentially... be yourself. Facades fade and then you're left with a couple who got to know one person and then is dealing with a 'new' person that came out of the woodwork.
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    Mar 18, 2011 3:09 PM GMT
    Well, if you're not wanting it to turn into a 'hookup' and want to see if the guy is really interested in you rather than your dick, then establish a no sex on the first 3 dates rule.

    First date: Coffee, public place, talk and get to know the guy.

    Second date: Movie or dinner, more conversation and perhaps indications that you'd like to get to know the guy before getting too intimate.

    Third date: Pick something you learned about the guy that you'd both like to do (IE: hike, symphony, museum, biking and end the day with a kiss.

    Fourth date: Fix dinner at your place, glass of wine, intimacy that might lead to him spending the night.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2011 3:12 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidIf it is a "real" date, I impose very few, if any, artificial boundaries. I go with the flow and I don't buy the "put your best foot forward" or "put your game face on" approach--it doesn't work with me because I don't like fake facades . If it's simply a hook-up, I try to be as dishonorable as I possibly can.



    I have to agree.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2011 3:12 PM GMT
    I am a master at violating boundaries. I've probably chased away the last 4 guys I've tried dating with boundary-crossing.

    Some things I've learned:

    -Don't text them everyday unless they're texting you first. Try to play it cool.

    -Don't stalk their online profiles to see if they've been logging in and then confront them about it after you've only gone on a single date.

    -Emotionally, try not to divulge anything crazy, and even lie if you have to. Save that stuff for later on (presumably, as I've never gotten very far). For example, one guy I was seeing asked me about the first time I had sex, and I told him it was with my 18 year old babysitter when I was 10, and made things super awkward and completely annihilated the vibe.

    -Don't bake them food after the first date and reverse look-up their phone number so you go to their place and surprise them. It will be awkward.

    Remember though that none of this really applies if you're significantly better looking than them. Gays are fickle yet predictably superficial creatures, even if they like to deny it.

    I just realized I should probably not be giving people advice... But I've already typed all of this out and it feels like a waste not to post.
  • TheAlchemixt

    Posts: 2294

    Mar 18, 2011 3:48 PM GMT
    ^^ I just love this guy above me. I wouldn't go on a date with him though. icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2011 3:56 PM GMT
    Very helpful advice guys... thanks so much.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2011 4:03 PM GMT
    narwhalbacon saidI am a master at violating boundaries. I've probably chased away the last 4 guys I've tried dating with boundary-crossing.

    Some things I've learned:

    -Don't text them everyday unless they're texting you first. Try to play it cool.

    -Don't stalk their online profiles to see if they've been logging in and then confront them about it after you've only gone on a single date.

    -Emotionally, try not to divulge anything crazy, and even lie if you have to. Save that stuff for later on (presumably, as I've never gotten very far). For example, one guy I was seeing asked me about the first time I had sex, and I told him it was with my 18 year old babysitter when I was 10, and made things super awkward and completely annihilated the vibe.

    -Don't bake them food after the first date and reverse look-up their phone number so you go to their place and surprise them. It will be awkward.

    DO NOT LIE, EVER.
    If you plan on being in a long-term relationship with someone, don't start lying on the first date, that's just stupid.


    The rest of this stuff I can't even believe someone ever thought to be a good idea. icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2011 4:19 PM GMT
    Hey Andrew,

    Im usually pretty authentic on my dates, but i find that many guys are threatened by my authenticity.

    make sense?

    it seems like many gay guys are very shallow
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2011 4:39 PM GMT
    _ADA said
    narwhalbacon saidI am a master at violating boundaries. I've probably chased away the last 4 guys I've tried dating with boundary-crossing.

    Some things I've learned:

    -Don't text them everyday unless they're texting you first. Try to play it cool.

    -Don't stalk their online profiles to see if they've been logging in and then confront them about it after you've only gone on a single date.

    -Emotionally, try not to divulge anything crazy, and even lie if you have to. Save that stuff for later on (presumably, as I've never gotten very far). For example, one guy I was seeing asked me about the first time I had sex, and I told him it was with my 18 year old babysitter when I was 10, and made things super awkward and completely annihilated the vibe.

    -Don't bake them food after the first date and reverse look-up their phone number so you go to their place and surprise them. It will be awkward.

    DO NOT LIE, EVER.
    If you plan on being in a long-term relationship with someone, don't start lying on the first date, that's just stupid.


    The rest of this stuff I can't even believe someone ever thought to be a good idea. icon_lol.gif


    Haha, yeaaaahhh, lying is probably a bad idea. I wasn't really thinking about the long-term situation, where once they got to know you better, you would inevitably get called out on previous bullshit.

    I might be socially-retarded. OP I urge you to read my post because otherwise its kind of a waste of time, but don't actually take any advice from it. I have no idea why I was giving relationship advice icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2011 8:35 PM GMT
    I'm not sure what you mean by your sense of honor.

    As far as my integrity in dating goes, it's the same as my integrity or honor elsewhere in my life. My word is my bond. If I say I'm going to do something, but then realize that I won't, then I'll communicate that to the other person.
    Respect other people.

    If you're asking about sex, well I'm not Christian or Muslim and I don't see sex outside of marriage as being dirty.

    If you're worried that your date only wants to hookup, can't you tell him that you're looking to date not hookup? If you're really worried, then set some boundary for yourself like not sex until committed or no sex until x number of dates or no sex until he says he loves you.
    Be aware that you will turn off some guys. Part of dating is sex, and some men will want to see if the sex is any good before they get invested in the relationship.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2011 1:40 AM GMT
    Well simply enjoy that moment with your partner and do not expect that you will meet him again. Then you probably will. Try to meet people in real life. This seems to work better than online dating. As to surprising him with a visit to the address shown by reverse cell phone look up , I wouldn't do it because these searches are unreliable and also he might not appreciate it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2011 1:45 AM GMT
    carry a spool of this
    demo_razor_wire_flat_wrap.jpg
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Mar 19, 2011 2:15 AM GMT
    From time tested experiences the only thing that works is to be authentic! and that usually requires no boundaries, as a matter of fact putting boundaries on being yourself is authenticity's worse enemy! if it happens that the guy you are dating does not share your own set of morals and values the best thing to do is to make the best of a good time and just finnish it with class or not!! icon_twisted.gif if he does not feel like a love interest to you, don't leave out the possibility of friendship! who knows if he may well be the best lifelong companion you will ever have.


    Leandro ♥
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2011 2:26 AM GMT
    barbed wire? no dude you will be shredded.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2011 2:29 AM GMT
    warren_t saidbarbed wire? no dude you will be shredded.


    not to be anal, but that is razor wire..

    this is barbed wire:

    180px-Barb_Wire.jpg

    icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2011 3:28 AM GMT
    Make him wear this, and he'll be yours forever. icon_twisted.gif

    ball_and_chain.jpg
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2011 11:22 PM GMT
    As far as boundaries related to the physical stuff, anything beyond a kiss on the first date is out of the question. Some people say not to kiss on the first date, but I am only human. Sometimes I need SOMETHING. Typically the next few dates will have the same rule, but I usually evaluate it on a case-by-case basis. I try to hold out on anything sexual as long as possible though.

    As far as other boundaries, I am not as good with them. I am a completely open person and will pretty much tell anyone anything. Its possible that it could be an issue with some guys because I could scare them away by saying too much, but it hasn't been an issue yet.

    But yeah, don't lie. Just don't say something on the first date if it will scare the guy away. I don't really judge people for their past or anything so I expect complete honesty even from the start.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2011 11:30 PM GMT
    blactor said What are some of the boundaries you guys have instilled to keep your integrity or your sense of honor?

    Integrity? Sense of honor? In the world of gay dating you'll find these are highly elastic concepts.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2011 11:37 PM GMT
    narwhalbacon saidI am a master at violating boundaries. I've probably chased away the last 4 guys I've tried dating with boundary-crossing.

    Some things I've learned:

    -Don't text them everyday unless they're texting you first. Try to play it cool.

    -Don't stalk their online profiles to see if they've been logging in and then confront them about it after you've only gone on a single date.

    -Emotionally, try not to divulge anything crazy, and even lie if you have to. Save that stuff for later on (presumably, as I've never gotten very far). For example, one guy I was seeing asked me about the first time I had sex, and I told him it was with my 18 year old babysitter when I was 10, and made things super awkward and completely annihilated the vibe.

    -Don't bake them food after the first date and reverse look-up their phone number so you go to their place and surprise them. It will be awkward.

    Remember though that none of this really applies if you're significantly better looking than them. Gays are fickle yet predictably superficial creatures, even if they like to deny it.

    I just realized I should probably not be giving people advice... But I've already typed all of this out and it feels like a waste not to post.


    Hahaha, best post I've read in a long time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2011 11:39 PM GMT
    canuckguy19 said
    warren_t saidbarbed wire? no dude you will be shredded.


    not to be anal, but that is razor wire..

    this is barbed wire:

    180px-Barb_Wire.jpg

    icon_biggrin.gif


    Correct on both counts!
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Mar 19, 2011 11:42 PM GMT
    i didn't know there were any rules. i figured as long as you show up on time and not rude, bad b.o., bad breathe and you do not eat off my plate than everything is great. i prefer meet and greets. if we click then we go on a actual date.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11829

    Mar 19, 2011 11:44 PM GMT
    First.... I think with my head before my cock....If your horny before meeting up with a dude for a date...beat off first...It lessens the chance of you having sex later in the evening. If you have sex on the first date..some guys are done with ya...There's no more mystery...They'll move on...without ya....You need to develop a good sense of yourself...You need to feel and understand that you're special....And that specialness brings about self respect....Lastly.....Before you can love something else...you got to get around to loving yourself ....Work on your happiness before attempting to to bring happiness to others...Hope this helps ya brah.....BUD