Am I being irrational? Or is it really not that serious?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2011 3:34 PM GMT
    So I have been talking to a guy for about three months. We've have hung out on multiple occasions only had sex once but some feelings were starting to develop. I talked with him about his feelings and he felt that we were still hanging out and getting to know each other but saw some potential. So the other night he flips b/c I have a manhunt and a4a account. I told him he had no right to get mad at me for having an account when he has one of both as well. He then stated that I was hotter and more guys were going to hit on me. I called bs and that he was just setting a double standard and being controlling. He told me he just gets on to see if I'm on.

    Am I being unreasonable here or do you see some validity in his argument? I do have some feelings but don't know if he's going to be worth getting to know if he's already this controlling/nosey.
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Mar 18, 2011 4:12 PM GMT
    The only thing unreasonable would be to continue pursuing this guy. When someone puts up phony double standards out of jealousy, there is no chance a relationship will survive. Move on.
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    Mar 18, 2011 4:22 PM GMT
    Controlliing and suspicious. you cant reason with someone like that.

    Chalk it down to experience and move on.
  • MSUBioNerd

    Posts: 1813

    Mar 18, 2011 4:23 PM GMT
    Massive, massive red flag.

    Having a conversation where he says that you're "still hanging out and getting to know each other" and that he sees potential says that he doesn't see you as monogamous at this time point. As such, objecting to you having profiles on dating/hookup sites is completely out of line.

    Further, he has profiles there too. His are fine, but yours are not...merely because more people will hit on you? Hypocrisy and insecurity and controlling behavior...what a lovely package.

    I'm not saying it's never OK to lose interest in someone based on an online profile. There can be legitimate differences in what people view as appropriate behavior that comes out when we write either about who we are or who we want to be or who we're looking for. But this guy isn't saying "I've read over your interests and I don't think we're sexually compatible" or something. He's essentially saying "You're too hot for anyone else to look at, even now when I'm not sure if I want to be in a relationship with you."

    What happens if you do end up exclusive? Will you be told not to go to the gym because someone might look at you in the locker room? Will you be allowed to do yardwork in a tank top or shirtless, since the neighbors/joggers/passing motorists might see you? Are flattering clothes at a party forbidden because you'll look better than him?

    In general, people are on their best behavior when trying to get someone else to fall for them. If this is his best....what happens when he stops trying to impress you?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2011 4:53 PM GMT
    You already know the answer yourself.
  • TheAlchemixt

    Posts: 2294

    Mar 18, 2011 4:56 PM GMT
    Get out now while you still can!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2011 4:58 PM GMT
    blactor saidControlliing and suspicious. you cant reason with someone like that.
    Chalk it down to experience and move on.
    Yep, this is a big red flag. First you're only dating, he's not your partner and what sites you go on is not of concern to him and, if anything, he should be open to discussing them with respect to the safety of anything the two of you do, not your activities as a single man.

    Also there's a trust issue. Even if you were dating, if you still had the accounts there's a need to be able to trust that you're not out there trying to hook up with someone else. If that is missing then there's another issue. If you were dating exclusively, I think it would probably be best to remove those sites unless he indicated he was fine with your activities, which would indicate he probably did trust you.

    Controlling is not a good thing in a relationship and even worse when you're only dating and getting to know a guy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2011 5:01 PM GMT
    just be single lol idk
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2011 5:07 PM GMT
    911
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2011 7:41 PM GMT
    Thanks for the feedback guys. It helps to have a little reassurance that I'm not being a complete jerk about this.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Mar 18, 2011 7:45 PM GMT
    You're not overreacting at all. I didn't hear anything about a committed relationship. Until....

    Probably nothing wrong with him discussing views about those sites and when/ what, if... etc, but at this point, I see nothing wrong, except his making a federal case about it. I'd view it as a red flag as well.
  • Mikeylikesit

    Posts: 1021

    Mar 18, 2011 7:54 PM GMT
    I had a similar experience with a kid. We been going out a few months. He said he did not want a relatioanship or anyhting else....HE flipped out on me becdause I was on Grindr....i was like...wtf.. We are not b/fs We can do as we please....icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2011 8:03 PM GMT
    You are not responsible for his insecurities, nor should you be a victom of them either.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2011 8:07 PM GMT
    Ah the internet.
    It's made stalking way too easy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2011 8:14 PM GMT
    Dude you asking us to tell you what you already know,,,he is being controling and has no right to be upset. Dump his ass on the spot.
  • Mazdaman_24

    Posts: 14

    Mar 18, 2011 8:24 PM GMT
    You aren't being irrational. If your status was "available now" then he might be able to question it, but its not only for hooking up. I had a similar situation and it's best just to get out of it. Move on man, it'll be nothing but trouble.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 18, 2011 8:39 PM GMT
    He's insecure and being ridiculous. If you want to continue to see him, set the boundary. If you can't have A4A, MH etc, then neither can he. Period.

    If he doesnt like that then tell him to take a hike and bore someone else with his insecurity......

    Sorry that was mean. lol.... just seems like a biiiig red flag.