married and confused as hell lately

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 19, 2011 1:43 AM GMT
    So, Ive never posted to one of these b4 so here pops the forum cherry. I have never told this to anyone before, but the other day I unloaded it on a friend here, and It felt so good, I have to let it out again. Ive been married to a beautiful woman for 9yrs. She is my best friend. we have everything in common. Including our liking for guys. She has been totally cool and understanding of it, trusting that this is something I can look at, but never explore. I have been on this site behind her back, and flirting with a couple guys on here and it feels pretty amazing. I don't want to be dishonest, or a cheat. I hate those qualities in others and would never want to become them, but my attractions to men grow stronger every day. I have been working out for a couple months now, and the better looking I get, the more attention I get in real life, and Its making it hard too. What Im saying is that I have "the perfect life" a gorgeous wife, a house, 2 cars, and the whole deal. But what about the other part of me that Im not being honest with. HOw long can one sit on this kinda thing b4 it explodes. I want to explore this part of me, and see how it feels. I dont want to live my whole life thinking what might've been, but dont want to throw away something so amazing that Ive put so much into. Anyone else ever been here??
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    Mar 19, 2011 1:59 AM GMT
    lvsmscle80 said HOw long can one sit on this kinda thing b4 it explodes.
    You are past that point. You are here.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Mar 19, 2011 2:07 AM GMT
    I take it there aren't any kids... for me that would be a deal breaker.

    But I think the desire to explore and the "dishonest" approach will tear you apart. You need to be honest with your wife, plain and simple..... or you became like so many married guys looking for sex.
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    Mar 19, 2011 2:09 AM GMT
    You need to talk to your wife. Talking to a friend is very helpful, but this is an issue between you and your wife. Remember, you are in a marriage and whatever you choose will affect her as well, so be wise and consider her and her well-being in everything. However, do not shut yourself out either for her or anyone else.

    Communicate with your wife.
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    Mar 19, 2011 2:13 AM GMT
    Yeah I have to agree with you on this. It is hard and I was in the same boat about 3 years ago. I was with a girl for nearly 8 years and was happy for the first few years and stook in with it thinking if I was still in the relationship I wasn't gay.

    I commend you for being honest with your wife and not doing anything with any guys. But I can tell that you are an honest man but are you happy with your life as it is now. I think you want more but dont know what to do. I have found the grass is greener on the other side now but took quite a few dates and me being truly honest with myself.

    Some people are able to live a perfectly heterosexual life even when they are attracted to other guys and others just can't "play" the normal life.

    Talk with you friend more if need or others that have been in your shoes before and see what their experience has been. Do you have any gay friends you talk with regurally and I mean in person? I had a few even before I came out and they were a great resource. I dont' mean to date or anything like that but to be a true friend and help you deal with everything.

    If you need any help let me know. Wish you luck in your new chapter in your life.
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    Mar 19, 2011 2:20 AM GMT
    wow....you are who I was.....married with kids over 20 years...
    Therapy was the key after the close buddies gave the advice they could ....therapy is like the mechanic for your car, or the dentist for your teeth.......
    Gotta got to therapy and find out who you are and where you want to go in your life....how you really feel ......whatever that is ...you need to admit it toyourself and thhat is where a good therapist (with no preset opinions - wither religious or anti-gay....)....Just a good (gay-firendly , if possible) therapist.
    Find out who you are and where you want t go to be happy and go from there.....I did, found out the answerrs, took action and now I am divorced....kids were so great, ex- is friendly with partner and life has not ever been better........
    Best of luck.....i was there and now I am here.....any questions, happy to give my advice if it can help....gotta pass it on as others did for me...
    good luck!
  • Ironman4U

    Posts: 738

    Mar 19, 2011 2:26 AM GMT
    Hey man, I've been in your shoes so I know exactly what you are going through. I was married to a beautiful woman, had a daughter, the perfect house, life, etc., etc. I had what I thought I wanted but the attraction to men (which I tried to ignore kept gnawing at me).

    I wanted to protect my family and was willing to be the martyr. I was willing to sacrifice my happiness for theirs. Eventually two things dawned on me. One, if I was not happy, I was not going to make them happy so ultimately I was doing them a disservice. And two, like you, I couldn't stand not being honest with myself and the ones I loved, because I couldn't respect myself by cheating or being the kind of person that I didn't respect.

    I have been divorced for 18 years now. And have since been in a 15 year LTR with a man. I still have an amazing relationship with my daughter and have never regretted doing what I did. I can live authenitically and not be torn between two worlds any more.

    Obviously, I'm keeping this short but I'm happy to share any insights that I learned along the way. Bottom-line, I think you know the right answer for you. I hope my experience is confirmation that you are on the right path. Let me know if I you want to talk or chat. I've known lots of guys in our situation over the years so happy to share more.

    Best to you and your wife.
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    Mar 19, 2011 2:47 AM GMT
    your wife says you can look but no touch while being aware you're attracted to men ?

    so, you live with the constant frustration while she lives with the constant anxiety ?

    hmm, dunno, bit of a time bomb no ?
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    Mar 19, 2011 2:50 AM GMT
    who knew I would find such an amazing wealth of support in such a short time. To answer a few ??'s NO! no kids. that would make me crazy at this point. No, Ive never tried ANYTHING with another dude b4, so not really sure what im into. Ive identified as Bi-curious to close friends, but not out to anybody. I guess I need to figure out what the hell it is that Im after.
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Mar 19, 2011 3:01 AM GMT
    The first step is to be honest with yourself, and then be honest with your wife.

    From your post, it's easy to get the impression that the construct of a perfect wife, home, possessions are very important to you. You will have to completely reevaluate that if you want to find your own personal path to your own true happiness. It will not be easy. Many men in your situation decide that they prefer the construct they have created in order to appear normal to the outside world.
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    Mar 19, 2011 3:07 AM GMT
    Do you enjoy sex with your wife?

    When you have sex with her, do you ever have to think about something else (e.g. guys) in order to get off?

    Do you miss her when she is not around?
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    Mar 19, 2011 3:10 AM GMT
    lvsmscle80 saidwho knew I would find such an amazing wealth of support in such a short time. To answer a few ??'s NO! no kids. that would make me crazy at this point. No, Ive never tried ANYTHING with another dude b4, so not really sure what im into. Ive identified as Bi-curious to close friends, but not out to anybody. I guess I need to figure out what the hell it is that Im after.


    good god you consider yourself bi curious to friends without ever hooking up with another guy? I can barely identify myself to friends when I know what I am. I would have never identified myself as bi r gay without testing it out. Best of luck.

    My only advice is to be true to yourself first and always.
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    Mar 19, 2011 3:12 AM GMT
    The main thing you need to consider is your wife. She already knows how you feel so that should make it easier. If you deny what you want because you don't want to let her down you will end up resenting her, and she deserves someone who wants her and nobody else.
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    Mar 19, 2011 3:25 AM GMT
    MenschPress saidDo you enjoy sex with your wife?

    When you have sex with her, do you ever have to think about something else (e.g. guys) in order to get off?

    Do you miss her when she is not around?


    I do enjoy the sex. I have thought of other things from time to time, but who doesnt. And its definately not a requirement to get off. I miss her when shes not around, but also enjoy time to myself so I can do stuff like this. [puts on my devil horns].
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    Mar 19, 2011 3:26 AM GMT
    I really feel for guys in your situation.. it must feel like you're caught between the sword and the wall..especially since you have kids =/. My question is, do you just feel like you want sex from guys or do you see yourself in a relationship with a guy. If you do, do you think you will be happier with a guy than with your wife?
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    Mar 19, 2011 3:28 AM GMT
    I have no doubt that there is a lot of good advice being offered above but I suggest you talk to a professional before making any decisions. In fact I think it would be best if you did that and then you and your wife met with a one. These things are not easy and it helps to have someone mediate.
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    Mar 19, 2011 4:31 AM GMT
    You're in an enviable position, I think. You can, because of her acceptance of the way you are, take her with you in one aspect; you can share what you're discovering about yourself with her rather than us (though it's interesting and a wonderful tribute to the complexities of being human).

    Suppose you discover she'd like to dabble in men of her choosing? Your relationship may have levels you both haven't explored yet. What do you think? It could be that the intensity and depth of emotional bonding is what your bond is, and the sexual exploration something less. I've seen this quite a bit with bisexuals, and it's all OK, just different. You just need, really really need, to discuss it.

    -Doug
  • SFGeoNinja

    Posts: 510

    Mar 19, 2011 4:57 AM GMT
    yourname2000 said
    lvsmscle80 saidwho knew I would find such an amazing wealth of support in such a short time. To answer a few ??'s NO! no kids. that would make me crazy at this point. No, Ive never tried ANYTHING with another dude b4, so not really sure what im into. Ive identified as Bi-curious to close friends, but not out to anybody. I guess I need to figure out what the hell it is that Im after.

    Hey man, yeah, sometimes these guys are friggin' amazing with the lil' pieces of their true selves they're willing to share, just to help....all you guys rock!

    I just wanted to come back with something else: I worry that sometimes we imagine what we want and build it up into some perfect fantasy of mind-blowing sex, incredible intimacy, or whatever. I gotta echo asumale82: you've not actually had sex with a guy yet. You're on a gay site, so we all think it's super-neato, but it really isn't for everyone.

    Even if you've watched gay-porn (and by God, I hope by this point you've watched some gay porn), porn is just sex...no intimacy. And even then, the sex is totally fake, squeaky clean, never stalls or stumbles...it's perfect (or they just --ehem-- reshoot the scene.) That obviously doesn't happen in real life...and there are some smells that just don't come across in video.

    I can't even imagine what's going on in your head, but I think if it was me, I'd want to have a guy (or even two...or ten) under my belt before I gave up a great (REAL) life for a mirage. I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that unless I had some kind of agreement with the wife (even if that's just "if you do it, I don't want to know about it...no talking about it, and I better never hear about this from ANYONE else.")

    I love guys. But they stink, they're juvenile, they're emotionally distant and then needy, their interests will almost always be more important to them than yours, more prone to laziness, and egotistical....But I love all of that shit (well, except for the stinking part.) You may not.

    I'm worried you may be projecting too much of your wonderful experience, (with a happy wife, house, two cars, unfettered acceptance of your peers, employers, family, etc, and all of what you know about having a relationship with a woman) on what you imagine a gay relationship will be. It's different. There are a lot of great guys (who KNOW they're gay) who are in great relationships on RJ...but there are also a ton (majority?) who know they're gay, but they're unhappy with the relationships they keep having, or that they never have any relationships at all, or in other consequences being gay has had on their lives.

    Sorry to be a cadmium rod in the reactor (ekk...possible an untimely reference--sorry Japan), but I hope yours is a fully informed decision, before you upset your life and hers, only possibly to later realise that what you've gained is not at all greater than what you've lost.

    (fuck that was long....sorry dude...some guys talk too much, too, lol.)


    This is wonderful advice, I wish I had read that when I was coming out years ago. It's always important to remember that when you are coming out, you're in the beginning stages of sexuality at the most basic level. In addition to figuring out gay sex - what your physical type is, if any, what turns you on, what your pace is, what your kinks are - you have to figure out how you will emotionally bond with other men as an openly gay man. THAT takes time, years at least. If you think about it, when you first come out it's like you're starting over at 13-14 again. You're awkward, unsure of yourself, and the last thing you need right away is a relationship. You need 'you' time to figure out what you want out of your life, your "real" life that is. I wonder if that will possible for you if you remain married to your wife, as terrific and supportive as she may be. Just something to think about.
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    Mar 19, 2011 5:25 AM GMT
    I'm going to level with you right now, as its late at night here, and I tend to just open up at these times and let it all hang out, then offer some suggestions.

    If I could choose my own sexuality, I would choose to be straight. I know this will probably make some people angry, but I've spent my entire life being different. I'm a gifted, gay, christian... lol, I've never really fit in anywhere. So coming from the person who feels like he's always walked a tricky road, the truth is, if you're able to have a loving relationship with a woman, who sounds like she cares deeply about you, I say, stick with it.

    I personally believe gay sexuality, as it pertains to our greater society, is in its infancy. We're all still figuring out what our role in society can be. We're all still fighting for acceptance, from others, and ourselves (whether guys will admit it or not).

    Chasing after men right now may feel intoxicating and exciting, but once you're out there you start to realize how bleak the picture can be. Most gay men develop lots of issues, because we're really like our own guinea pigs, trying to figure out life. We don't have parents to look to for advice, because most of them have conformed to the whole 2.5 kids lifestyle that they were brought up in. It's a well worn path, and one of least resistance, but it offers us very little guidance. So we experiment, struggle, and sometimes do desperate stupid things just to make sense of our reality, and a situation we really didn't choose for ourselves.

    Bonding with other men becomes tough, with some men disgusted by gays, or worried we're actually attracted to them, etc. Bonding with other gay men can be even more challenging, with the possibility for jealousy and romantic feelings to form whether you want them to or not. Suddenly you start to feel very isolated, so we seek out boyfriends and lovers that we can get close to, which can create some nasty co-dependencies. It leads to a lot of broken hearts, minds and souls. It's no wonder a lot of gay men hit their 40's and 50's still clingy to sex, or drugs, or anything that just makes them feel good for a while.

    If you can find joy and pleasure in your life, and focus more on what you have now, and less on what you don't, I think you'll be far better off.


    My sincere advice is to seek counseling. You need someone close to you that you can have a completely open and honest dialog with. Everyone here will have a different opinion, and everyone needs to walk their own path in life. I really hope you find peace and happiness, regardless of whatever choice you make.
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    Mar 19, 2011 5:33 AM GMT
    Umm, exploring sex with men will probably be the end of the current relationship you have with you're wife.

    I think you should try sex with men, but realize that is effectively ending the current relationship you have with your wife. You may well be bisexual and like a bit of both, or you may prefer women over men or men over women, and that's something you probably need to explore and establish. But don't expect to explore that, or establish what your current likes/desires are while married to a woman who married you under the assumption that you you're largely attracted to women.

    You're asking her to take a large hit to her sexual attractiveness/confidence. She may understand a certain amount of attraction to men, but it's a lot to ask her to understand you replacing her with someone else (male or female). Just think how you'd feel if she went after someone else that you also found attractive and could also be interested in sexually, albeit they had not interest in you.

    The question you need to address from her standpoint it how happy/content is she in the relationship. If she's not that happy or doesn't feel satisfied she's likely to be much more understanding or letting you go, but if she is happy and thinks things are fine, and also sexually satisfied then you are much more likely to seriously hurt her.

    I don't know either you or your wife, but these are things that you have to factor in, and the bottom line, I think, is that you can't assume the same relationship or a marriage if you are going to engage in sexual acts outside that marriage or that certainly have the effect of possibly ending the marriage, and weren't something either party was agreeing to by entering marriage.
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    Mar 19, 2011 6:12 AM GMT
    If you're that curious about exploring homosexuality there's a good chance you're gay. I would say you could tell your wife you feel the need to explore this but I really don't think your marriage will survive after you do, even if you do something she's aware of or a part of.

    If this is that important to then you have to consider what will happen when you act on these feelings and what you're willing to sacrifice.
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    Mar 19, 2011 9:43 AM GMT
    What you have to ask yourself is do you want to betray your wife's trust, live with a secret that you had sex with a man, and possibly end your marriage, or do you want to remain faithful to her and to your marriage.
    It doesn't matter if you're gay, bi or straight. Persuing sexual intimacy with someone other than your spouse, whether it is with a man or a woman, is cheating. Is that what you want to do?

    I get the impression, maybe I am wrong, that you want to keep your marriage and be free to have a sexual relationship with another man. I don't think you can have both. That is not how marriage is. Just be honest with her. She may be able to help you through this, or get some counselling. You cannot make this decision on your own.




  • hebrewman

    Posts: 1367

    Mar 19, 2011 10:36 AM GMT
    may i ask a goofy question? how do men get into this situation in the first place? if i had a dollar for every 'business man' that tried to pick me up at work while he is away from the wife and kids i could retire. i'm just curious. is it social? is it religious? is it 'because it was the thing to do at the time'? again, i don't want to come across like i am making light of the subject, but i'd just like to know. you seem like a great guy and god knows you are attractive and i wish you all the luck in the world with your dilemma. but, understand, that if you begin a 'bromance' and you feel the pressure to head back into the closet, you could break not only your wifes heart, but that of the guy that you begin to mess around with. just a note of caution.
  • captproton

    Posts: 316

    Mar 19, 2011 10:43 AM GMT
    While your feelings for your wife appear to be heartfelt, you just can't have it both ways.

    I think you've reached the point where you must level with your wife and explore a way to part as friends. Otherwise, you would be living a lie.

    And if you truly love your wife, then you must see that she cannot be truly happy until she is with a guy who is not looking over his shoulder for something that he thinks might be better.
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    Mar 19, 2011 11:39 AM GMT
    From the way it sounds to me, it's not necessarily a question of whether you are gay or not, you just wanna have sex with a guy.

    As I've gotten older and have been fortunate enough to surround myself with a wonderful, eclectic group of friends, I've come to view the world with little relevance to gender and sexual assignment. Sexual chemistry exists along a broad spectrum of physical desire/pleasures that cross the borders of what defines someone as being the bookend of what is heterosexual or gay. Hearing someone say they are bi-curious is one of the greatest things for me to hear, an affirmation that society is becoming more tolerant so that people can explore sex in an individualized, free and healthy way. Personally, I hope that only continues to evolve for those people in the middle that are not bound by labels. With that being said, it's not necessary to figure out if you're gay at this point because you don't even know. Even better yet, you don't need to know, you're just a human animal that wants to explore your sexuality. Good for you!!

    I would recommend talking to someone in a safe environment. You have the right in a relationship to express your need and in this case, that need is to have sex with a man. Reassuring her that it has nothing to do with her and your exploration is not a sure indication that you are gay can prove to be difficult and maybe impossible. However, if she can wrap her head around it, you may be able to strengthen your bond. Unfortunately, being completely honest can run the risk of her deciding that she's not willing to take that chance. Regardless of the outcome, you'll always be a better man for being honest and giving her the right to decide what is best for her.

    Best of luck.