Disclosure of Bisexuality

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2011 2:51 PM GMT
    Okay guys, I know there are probably already alot of topics about this, but due to some ongoing dynamics occuring in my life; I feel that I finally need to address it. I will say that before I pretty much believed that talking about your sexuality to others..or "coming out" was pretty overinflated and really not too necessary and all that. I will say that I have kept it hidden just from fear of disgust, disapproval , etc...from my roomates especially.
    I am very masculine, just a normal guy etc, and so it never comes up with the people I know; unless i want it to. I live with 2 other guys in the same apartment and we frequently go out on weekends to drink/have fun etc. It has never once been an issue...because what we have in common is that we all like girls,
    I feel of course a mounting frustration, bordering on invalidated rage seeping up from within me though, as its like a whole nother side of me is not even seeming to be aknowledged by my mates. Though I go out to some gay clubs, have gay friends, some of my friends just don't know about other friends....I try to keep everything in balance. I have been discreet about this for a number of reasons. But it is getting way too difficult and full of heartache now.

    1. I would think I am a humble guy; and making a big deal of my sexuality just doesn't seem to feel right. so i don't do it.
    2. the stereotypes and misconceptions about bisexuals. The ignorance of people. I feel that others would think or start thinking of me as shifty, immoral..etc..weird. ......its just, when you tell someone about your sexual orientation..it seems to mess up and change they way they see you. (when I really don't think I am any of these things at all : /)..
    3. Being fearful of being talked about/their reaction, Fear of rejection
    4. the loneliness I would feel from being set apart
    5. I have a big heart. and I want everyone to like me...i don't want anyone to think badly about me. in some ways it means controlling their perception of me; which i know is unrealistic. I know not everyone will like me or accept me for who I am...but many people are good people, but are just slightly ignorant....i don't want to dislike or set myself apart from people. I often feel like I am whoever other people want me to be.

    I would say probably the biggest among the reasons is ....force of habit. I am just used to living the way i want to live ( I don't hide in the way i live my life), but in many ways downplaying my bisexuality from some people because its easier. I always get this feeling that I am hiding something, and it sucks.



    The catalyst for change here would be that mounting invisible feeling I am having. its like a giant rift between me and my friends, everybody in my life, which is really past the point of boiling over into rage at not feeling like I am understood, even known by the people who claim to know me. I feel apart from everyone, even my family ( though my brother knows about my bisexuality, and so does my mom; though she refuses to aknowledge it)

    This is just a really tough issue for me and it seems way more complex than it lets on, initially. I don't want to go around spouting I like men, but in society there is an overwhelming assumption that everyone is straight and its infuriating to feel like u are not being known. At the same time I feel its against my dignity to disclose my personal orientation to those around me. I just feel like they should know...but how?

    Thanks for reading, guys. Been thinking..
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    Mar 20, 2011 3:40 PM GMT
    If your friends care about you they shouldn't have a problem with you confiding in them in regards to your sexual orientation. How does your brother feel about it? Meaning how did he respond, because you only mentioned your mom's response?

    The worst your friends will say is "Dude you're Gay" or "It's cool bro, just don't hit on me" icon_razz.gif

    Do it when YOU feel it's right and not because you feel pressure to.

    You seem like a deep thinker with a lot to offer to the world. I believe someone like you should be able to address this topic to your friends with ease. I felt a warmth while reading you words. I love how you illustrate the "issue" so beautifully.

    PS man you look somewhat similar to Marlon Brando who was also Bisexual and who didn't give a fcuk what people thought of him.
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    Mar 20, 2011 3:55 PM GMT
    I just feel like I shouldn't have to say anything. but its true. you remain behind a closet of assumption until you do say something; or carry on your life right in front of others as if it were nothing. theres no getting around it. I guess what i'm really complaining about is that I'll always feel different, someway, when i really just want to feel normal. and there will always be that initial explanation, awkwardness that has to occur, with each person.Its like u never stop coming out...it drives me crazy, always having tenseness as to a positive or negative reaction. In a perfect world i wish it wasn't so awkward...


    I have to admit. I am not good at this. Does this sort of thing become easier, more fluid with time? Does that feeling of isolation ever go away?

    P.S. Marlon Brando is one of my icons man. That means so much to me thank you , really. Shocked. : )
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    Mar 20, 2011 4:01 PM GMT



    LOL
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Mar 20, 2011 4:08 PM GMT
    Sounds like it might have been a created issue within yourself. Some of your friends may already know and not care.

    My suggestion is that you confide in a close friend and tell he or she all about it and get input. Decide if a disclosure to others is really important or overblown in your own mind.
    One point you may be frustrated about and that would be your future.
    How do you plan to live it? Are you going to get married and have kids or
    remain single and be involved with whichever sex you happen to want to at that time. That would bother me a bit..... but give it time and your future may become clear.

    Don't put so much pressure on yourself that this drives you crazy. Think about a reasonable approach that you would feel comfortable. Make the change you think you need at this point.
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    Mar 20, 2011 4:16 PM GMT
    Sylas saidI just feel like I shouldn't have to say anything. but its true. you remain behind a closet of assumption until you do say something; or carry on your life right in front of others as if it were nothing. theres no getting around it. I guess what i'm really complaining about is that I'll always feel different, someway, when i really just want to feel normal. and there will always be that initial explanation, awkwardness that has to occur, with each person.Its like u never stop coming out...it drives me crazy, always having tenseness as to a positive or negative reaction. In a perfect world i wish it wasn't so awkward...


    I have to admit. I am not good at this. Does this sort of thing become easier, more fluid with time? Does that feeling of isolation ever go away?

    P.S. Marlon Brando is one of my icons man. That means so much to me thank you , really. Shocked. : )

    You're right, you don't have to say anything; it's your business, not theirs, but as you say, the assumptions they have versus the real you is tearing at you. A couple of messages up, you said you wanted others to like you. Although it's a cliche, the most important person you need to like you is you. In other words, you have to have, and reinforce if need be, the notion that you are a good person with much to offer to your friends of all orientations. I think although you don't need to say anything, until you do, you will continually feel torn.

    Your friends might be shocked. Those you should care about most will continue to support you. Maybe they'll be surprised that a strong, masculine guy can be gay or bi, causing them to reconsider their possible misconceptions. Maybe some will reject you. Those who do I don't think you should consider important. If you really like yourself, you'll have the confidence to deal with all reactions. Also, agree with the above message to discuss with only 1 or 2 very close friends first to build up your confidence.
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    Mar 20, 2011 4:42 PM GMT
    I think this is your problem:

    5. I have a big heart. and I want everyone to like me...i don't want anyone to think badly about me. in some ways it means controlling their perception of me; which i know is unrealistic. I know not everyone will like me or accept me for who I am...but many people are good people, but are just slightly ignorant....i don't want to dislike or set myself apart from people. I often feel like I am whoever other people want me to be.

    I have the same feeling often times, and sometimes it becomes hard to balance liking yourself and getting others to like you. You probably cleverly change the way you speak, act and carry yourself with every individual crowd...and you probably commend yourself for how well you can do it and appease everyone. I used to do that all the time for any type of people, in order to get people to like me in all type of situations.

    Fact is you end up slicing a piece of yourself away every time you do it. At some point you're going to have to decide that you're worth more than they are, you're happiness, your stability and your persona is worth more than the approval of those around you.

    If anyone will think "badly" of you, it's because it's natural. You aren't suppose to get along with everyone 100% equally, and being bisexual will definitely throw some people for a loop...these people, are not and were never goin to be your friends with that attitude to begin with.

    The role of the "chameleon" you seem to be playing only works until you decide it doesn't...come clean and honest with people in the most honest and appropriate way and they'll have nothing to do but respect you. Just start living your life in the color you choose, and stop changing constantly...You leave no room for yourself.

    my two large cents... icon_razz.gif
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    Mar 20, 2011 4:48 PM GMT
    I do not like secrets so I always disclose and generally do it as soon as we have gotten past the awkward pick up lines and intend to go out, or in the case of friendship, when we have become friends enough that it is not off-putting to start talking about such things like who you are dating. It makes things a lot easier and less stressful. In the words of Theodor Geisel: "those who mind do not matter, those who matter do not mind."

    If your family knows it can never be that stressful and awful ever again. And do you really want to have a circle of friends that would vilify you if they knew the truth? That is what governed my decision to just be open and honest, live with it, and live with the consequences.

    I too want everyone to like me - but I want everyone to like ME, not their assumptions of who I am and what I do.

    Hope this helps icon_smile.gif
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    Mar 20, 2011 5:59 PM GMT
    You cannot control what others think about you. The five issues you list are things you can not control in other people. Trying to be a chameleon and be the person that makes each of your friends and family happy and comfortable is what leads to mental problems, depression and multiple personalities....it is a form of self hate. Don't do it.
    Honesty about who you are and consistently being that person, is good mental health..... coming out is a disclosure of honesty and setting the record straight FOR YOURSELF, not for anyone else. When you share with others, do it at your own pace and according to your own situation. Be safe and smart when you do it, but the honesty is key.
    Good Luck and best wishes.
    Gary
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    Mar 20, 2011 6:21 PM GMT
    I don't have much input for you but I can tell you that this thread really helped me quite a bit. Recently I've decided to focus on men after spending the majority of my adult life being bisexual and engaging with men only on occasion. Coming out is frustrating. Stay true to yourself and don't worry about what others think so much. You'll be fine.
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    Mar 20, 2011 7:00 PM GMT
    To the OP - of course you don't have to go around screaming "I'm bisexual" but I wonder if part of what's wearing on you is either consciously or unconsciously censoring yourself among your friends. Ask yourself if you keep from saying things or doing things when your with your roommates because you're worried about how they'll react. And then ask yourself the same thing about your gay friends. If there is going to be a genuine and honest friendship, they'll accept ALL of you not just certain parts.
  • camfer

    Posts: 891

    Mar 20, 2011 7:04 PM GMT
    Hey Sylas you sound like a smart guy, and you will work through all this. It sounds like you are putting a lot of importance on others accepting you, and so you have tried to mold your outward identity into something they will like. It sounds like this is no longer working well for you.

    So is it better to be rejected for who you are, or accepted for who you are not? I would hope you would give your friends more credit than that. They like you for more reasons than who you sleep with.

    Have you ever met old people who just don't give a damn what anyone thinks about them and they always speak their mind? It's freeing and refreshing to experience. You don't have to wait until you're old to be confident in who you are.

    So how to make the shift? Well, the suggestion to tell one close ally everything sounds like a great first step. Then, maybe you can feel comfortable in telling your gay friends that you like women too. Finally, you can tell your roommates that you went to a gay bar and had fun there. You don't have to make a big deal out of it. They'll pick up the cue and either ask a lot of questions or change the subject.

    If you are strong in who you are, you can handle whatever comes. There's a good chance that no one is going to freak out. Who knows, someone might tell you they're bi too.

    If you do lose a friend or two over this, you can make new friends. There are lots of people who would probably like to know you.

    Good luck!



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    Mar 20, 2011 7:11 PM GMT
    Number one don't let anyone tell you, you are gay, because you are not. You get to swing both ways and get the best out of both communities, in a way, I as a pure homosexual, one of the real gays do not; there is a big difference.

    An overly masculine guy, is not a normal guy either. You don't have to come out, just get on with living your life, and being happy. Please don't wait until you are 50, or 60. Because for one all you are doing is promoting there is something wrong with homosexuality, and bisexuality too. You can not also reclaim all that lost time either as it's gone forever, yet the damage stays.

    Please find inner peace as I have, and just start to be truthful to yourself. You don't have to wear your sexuality on your sleeve to do so either. Be happy and safe my dear half brother.
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    Mar 20, 2011 7:19 PM GMT
    True_Blue_Aussie saidNumber one don't let anyone tell you, you are gay, because you are not. You get to swing both ways and get the best out of both communities, in a way, I as a pure homosexual, one of the real gays do not; there is a big difference.

    An overly masculine guy, is not a normal guy either. You don't have to come out, just get on with living your life, and being happy. Please don't wait until you are 50, or 60. Because for one all you are doing is promoting there is something wrong with homosexuality, and bisexuality too. You can not also reclaim all that lost time either as it's gone forever, yet the damage stays.

    Please find inner peace as I have, and just start to be truthful to yourself. You don't have to wear your sexuality on your sleeve to do so either. Be happy and safe my dear half brother.


    Shut Up with your pure homosexual crap! I am new the community and am already fed up with it. Why are you are intent on telling everyone who has had sex with a woman that they are not gay, I was married but now want to focus on men! What does that make me? Do I need to come up with a new term to define myself? You sound like a god damn nazi with all this talk of being pure.
    Get over it.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Mar 20, 2011 7:21 PM GMT
    bro, i do not know what to tell you. the only thing i will say do what ever that in your heart
  • neon_tiger

    Posts: 145

    Mar 20, 2011 7:23 PM GMT
    "Be yourself- everybody else is taken" -Oscar Wilde

    To the OP- you might hate what im gonna say, but you're exactly where you have to be. Sounds like who you are is in conflict with who (you think) everyone wants you to be. Dont get me wrong- a sense of belonging is an essential human need.

    You have no need to disclose unless you intend to get close to someone, but you shouldnt feel like you have to say or accept something that goes against your beliefs. Again, not an easy task, but it does get easier as you practice being true to yourself.

    I have this female friend that was animate about me going out with one of her girlfriends. For a couple days i was anxtious about seeing her cause i had to come up with a reason not to. Then i decided that i had no reason whatsoever to stress over this- why would i be worried about dissapointing her when i dont even know her? So (with some dose of courage) i told my friend that i havent met her friend, but i thought she wasnt my type. She of course asked "so what is your type?" and i said, "well, for starters, male..." And she said, "oh, ok..." Im telling you, every time you do a little act of courage like that you grow in strength a thousand fold.

    Check the "It gets better project" on You tube. Many powerful testimonies.

    Also, check this video. something to think about...



    good luck man!
  • Owen_State

    Posts: 1

    Mar 20, 2011 7:47 PM GMT
    Sylas,

    I am new to this site, and read your post. I can share with you as a man whom has led a life of bisexuality, is that it doesn't matter what your preference is, what is important is what and who your are inside. Its seems like you are being very critical of yourself, as if, you need to label yourself one or the other or both, or that friends need to know this information. Maybe the reason you are feeling this way is because you have integrity, you desire to be honest and upfront in all aspects of life.

    I agree that you are were you need to be, you are thinking about you, but you don't need anybodies approval to be you. Life is a learning process, an experience, there's not right or wrong, live and make decision without regret.

    In my experience and I say my, the feeling has been If you plan on dating someone, then maybe its good idea to share this information, if its strictly sexual why would you or should you. and if you are serious about someone, and monogamy is one of your values, you just have to desire that person enough verses the desire of sexual encounters to make it work. again without regret.

    Everybody is different, and value systems are all unique to each of us, so, its important that you are looking and searching out your feelings, congratulations to you. But again remember no one can live your life for you, its your life to live. Empower yourself. Just allow yourself to be you.
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    Mar 20, 2011 9:08 PM GMT
    Go for it
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2011 9:39 PM GMT
    Dude,

    I am in the EXACT same boat. I have been dealing with the same feelings and issues. It's really only as big of a deal as YOU make it, as far as coming out goes..but there is always a need to let people know your true self.. and nothing is wrong with that. It's 2011, it's not a big deal to people nowadays. I look at it like this and it couldn't be more true.... the people that care (that you're gay or Bi) don't matter, and the people that matter, don't care. Just be yourself, if they judge you in any negative way...they weren't your friends to begin with and you're better off without them, you will be stronger in your own confidence as a man. Find new friends that love you no matter what. Life is too short. And coming out I find gets easier with every person I tell. Not that you need to broadcast that your Bi...but you can tell those you feel have a right or a need to know...it's not their business so pass it along to others...and you can tell them that. You'll be just fine dude. Take it from someone who is in the same position. I feel your pain bro. Hope that helps a lil bit. Cheers and good luck!
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    Mar 20, 2011 10:15 PM GMT
    I have to agree with Irishjock. Anyone who is bothered by your sexuality has their own issues to deal with, and you shouldn't concern yourself with them. You are obviously a strong and intelligent person, and if you lose some friends by being honest and open about who you are, you truly will be better off for it. I know it sounds like something off an after-school special, but anyone who can't accept you for who you are isn't really your friend to begin with.

    The cool thing though, is you probably won't lose any friends over this. I was in your boat and I identify with what you're feeling. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at how mature and sensible most people are. I'm from a very small town, the kind of place where everyone knows everyone else's business and I felt it was a very homophobic place growing up. But the vast majority of people back home respect me more today for being open and honest.

    Living with a secret breaks you down in ways you won't fully understand until you free yourself of that secret. You're right that your sexuality isn't really anyone's business and there isn't any need to go "tell it on the mountain" or whatever, but you'll be a stronger, healthier person once you open up.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 20, 2011 10:19 PM GMT
    @ the OP

    Thank you for sharing your deepest concerns and internal struggle with the RP community. We value your words and the description of a common inner struggle we all experience or experienced throughout our lives.

    Through your description of the problem, many RP community members, advocate and feed you with clear, positive information about the inner struggle you experience. Addressing your common desire to "please" others and communicate not to lead anyone is an integral part of communication. It sounds like you find yourself on a precipice either to stand and hold on or jump and see what happens. By this, I mean begin opening up to your roommates and finding out how they will react and finding out how you, too, will react to these reactions. A common attribute to the "coming out" process is open and honest communication. For many of us, the need to "come out" truly is not necessary since "monogamous heterosexuals" do not need to "come out"; however, it is a common decision we of the other sexualities must endure. Find yourself a common friend, a colleague, or ask other bisexual men within the RJ community to reflect on their decisions and reactions from friends, colleagues, and close members of the family. I am confident the reactions, though initially hurtful or cringing, may also display positive sentiments of a most gracious feeling: a peaceful journey.

    The battle with oneself never ends; however, you have a new option as a guy a few years younger than me, walk or run to the nearest friend and open up to them. My friends all told me they knew I was gay, but were angrier that I did not trust them with my feelings. You will soon find that the process of "coming out" and communicating feelings begins to open a new process for you and others, which is: the struggle to lead ends after you walk the path first.

    I honestly wish you the best and forgive the academic writing prose, it often derives from my sentiments on this topic and daily regulatory and policy writings mandated by work.

    As a last note, check out my profile under "what I'm looking for" or read Rudyard Kipling's powerful prose, "If". I find it helps me when I'm I am teetering on deciding on a topic. You can borrow it until you find one, if you do not have one already.

    Cheers and a peaceful journeys...

    Michael

  • XxXxXxAZNxXxX...

    Posts: 615

    Mar 21, 2011 1:00 AM GMT
    DUDE! I feel the exact same way about this. I want to be comfortable with myself and be completely open with people, but I do not want to cause more problems that I am causing. I hate being rejected/outcasted. I just feel like "labels"are a major problem that cause people to just ignore you out of confusion and lack of knowledge (even though it's only about you and not them). Anyway, I hope that you find some way in order to balance everything out.

    p.s. when you do, tell me what you did; could use some help as well icon_smile.gif
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    Mar 21, 2011 1:14 AM GMT
    MnKid84 said
    True_Blue_Aussie saidNumber one don't let anyone tell you, you are gay, because you are not. You get to swing both ways and get the best out of both communities, in a way, I as a pure homosexual, one of the real gays do not; there is a big difference.

    An overly masculine guy, is not a normal guy either. You don't have to come out, just get on with living your life, and being happy. Please don't wait until you are 50, or 60. Because for one all you are doing is promoting there is something wrong with homosexuality, and bisexuality too. You can not also reclaim all that lost time either as it's gone forever, yet the damage stays.

    Please find inner peace as I have, and just start to be truthful to yourself. You don't have to wear your sexuality on your sleeve to do so either. Be happy and safe my dear half brother.


    Shut Up with your pure homosexual crap! I am new the community and am already fed up with it. Why are you are intent on telling everyone who has had sex with a woman that they are not gay, I was married but now want to focus on men! What does that make me? Do I need to come up with a new term to define myself? You sound like a god damn nazi with all this talk of being pure.
    Get over it.


    MnKid84 - as an Aussie, my advice is don't give this illiterate so-called 'True-Blue' Aussie bigot any oxygen or air space as he thrives on it.

    Block him - report his racist and divisive views - and feel comfortable with yourself - cheers
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 21, 2011 7:37 AM GMT
    Bro, you NEED to talk to somebody in person before this thing consumes you entirely. Giving up a piece of your soul in order to make everyone else happy is taking a heavy toll. Grab your best/close friend and have a heart-to-heart talk. Look your best friend in the eyes and say you have a problem and need somebody to listen. Talk about your frustrations, about your loneliness, about your fear of rejections, and about how you've always camouflaged yourself in order to be accepted by others. You need to let everything out in this talk, to diffuse the pressure and rage that have been building up. That is the immediate step.

    Your sexuality is your business, you dont have to go around screaming it at every average joe that passes by. If somehow the topic comes up, own it and be proud of who you are. If several of your female friends are talking about how cute some guy is and you feel compelled to jump in, do it. If you're out on a date w/ a guy and run into a friend, introduce the two. Who cares what others think? Live how YOU want to live. W/ age and maturity you're going to care a lot less about other people's approvals.

    There is a line from one of your previous posts that still stuck to me this day bro, "I die from loneliness every single day". I really think it's time for you to examine which is more important, your own personal happiness or others' approvals.
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    Mar 21, 2011 8:00 AM GMT
    Man I totally agree with the whole people assume that everyones straight, I think we just forget that most people's brains havnt switched over to the new way of thinking. But yer dude I know where your coming from with everything you said,

    basically I think being Bi is harder mentally then just saying your gay...i mean saying your gay is as hard too but when people know your Bi they almost always assume your just in denial about being gay.....but man you have probably heard this a million times yer....as for the friends I dont think there's anything wrong with keeping your pride, and you should be selective with who you tell, cause you just cant fully trust everyone I reckon.