Why can i find romantic love? I need to give it up

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 21, 2011 3:22 AM GMT
    I want to find a life partner but I don't think that train will ever come. I wish i had what my parents had which is 40 years of a great marriage. I don't get it. I don't have any problems making freinds and I have ALOT of love in my life and honestly my life is pretty good for the most part, except for this. Its been really depressing me lately, to the point that when I do out and start drinking (not to the point of black out and I am not drinking to cover the pain...alcohol is good but not that good) people ask me if I am okay because they can notice somethings off. A few times ive had to run to the bathroom and locked the stall and just had to calm myself down as the tears roll down my face and I try to not draw attention to myself in our community study area in professional school. I keep analyzing it over and over again, its been stressing me out so much ive gone from 215 pounds to 168 in about 18 months. I just wonder if I am alone or anything advice, tips, stories ( of how you found love or you carried on with without love). IDK guys, tell me something beccause everyone else is trying to fill my head with lies telling me it will happen. I want someone to be brutally honest and tell me it may not and what they have done in their lives to get on with it and live a good life without love.
    Give me some advice gentlemen
    thanks
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    Mar 21, 2011 3:31 AM GMT
    You sound codependent, which is the last quality anyone wants in a guy.
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    Mar 21, 2011 3:39 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidYou sound codependent, which is the last quality anyone wants in a guy.


    I dont think I am codependent more curious as to why I am in this situation
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1114

    Mar 21, 2011 4:29 AM GMT
    There are plenty of romantic guys out there, I am one of them! have I given up? absolutely not! being romantic is more then having a candlelight dinner, or a guy say sweet nothings to your ears! romance is a state of mind that allows one to have a deeper connection with the sorroundings, and in having an elevated awareness of your partners needs. Romance is highly misinterprete as only being connected to feelings, when it is not! it is also connected to sex, although the kind of sex that is subliminal and highly pleasurable beyond its usual physical pleasures. So don't give up just yet, Romance is still very much alive! all you need to do is at being more open and understanding of your partner's differences and unique qualities. The more accepting and understanding you are of what you can't understand or accept, the more chances you have to make a romantic connection with just about every guy you will meet.

    Just remember one thing, Romance is merely a reflection of your keen awareness and understanding of the world around you! it is not necessarily something that is received by others, but how much of yourself you can give or share with them that makes it possible.


    Leandro ♥
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    Mar 21, 2011 4:39 AM GMT
    You're a guy that feels things intensely. Not all are like you, so you have to adjust accordingly.

    It's a great aspect to have, so nurture it, but don't let it control you.

    Personally, I think the right kind of guy comes along several times, depending on your social life and how varied you allow it to be. It's recognizing it when it's a good fit that's the trick, yes?

    -Doug
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    Mar 21, 2011 4:41 AM GMT
    "Why can i find romantic love? I need to give it up"

    Don't you just hate it when the keyboard doesn't register a letter because you didn't press down hard enough? icon_mad.gif
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    Mar 21, 2011 4:57 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]meninlove said[/cite] You're a guy that feels things intensely. Not all are like you, so you have to adjust accordingly.

    It's a great aspect to have, so nurture it, but don't let it control you.

    Personally, I think the right kind of guy comes along several times, depending on your social life and how varied you allow it to be. It's recognizing it when it's a good fit that's the trick, yes?

    -Doug [/quote
    thanks for the kind words
    Yeah i am a pretty intense personality...even my freinds tell me that
    I guess its because its the face I am almost 29 and NOTHING....I mean zilch. And the few guys I do seem to meet are something else. I guess its been hard lately because I see all of my freinds getting married and settling down (with people they are good with) and I am not even close. I also started off as a late bloomer and spent most of my early to mid twenties being very overweight. The time in life where you get experienced with the inner workings of dating.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1114

    Mar 21, 2011 5:01 AM GMT
    meninlove said You're a guy that feels things intensely. Not all are like you, so you have to adjust accordingly.

    It's a great aspect to have, so nurture it, but don't let it control you.

    Personally, I think the right kind of guy comes along several times, depending on your social life and how varied you allow it to be. It's recognizing it when it's a good fit that's the trick, yes?

    -Doug



    I used to think that romance was a feeling of codependency!? in other words someting that only happens when is shared, but it is not really! a true romantic have a deep sense of self and the world around him. Unfortunately some are so misled by all that is good in life, that they often forget life too is full of pain and ignorance, in other words a true romantic embrances all that life is.


    Leandro ♥
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    Mar 21, 2011 5:02 AM GMT
    Ya I know thankfully it was easy to fig out....anyways dude you 28 and crying like a baby b/c you are lonely and alone and somewhat depressed...there are meds for that last one and the rest just need to get some harder skin.

    You think you are the only one who has ever felt this way. I live in an area where I'm single by force b/c being gay is no ok and there are no guys in the area who I would think of dating. Also I know that I'm still very young and have a ton of time to meet a man and live my life together with him. The same goes for you, only close to a quarter of you life is gone and most of that you didn't need anyone but your family to be happy.

    If you make friends easily then you should be able to meet guys and date just don't put them in the friends circle right away. Make some gay friends and see what develops and soon you will find guys interested in you and wanting to date and who know what then.

    You will look back on posting this topic one day and see who foolish you were for thinking you would never find romantic love....also remeber life is no Disney movie so don't expect it to be.
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    Mar 21, 2011 5:08 AM GMT
    yikes...scarey! red flags are flying like it were some kind of Chinese festival! runnnn!
  • Spiritreaver

    Posts: 2086

    Mar 21, 2011 9:12 AM GMT
    I used to be very much like you mate, you need to reprioritize things. You're still young, and there's a lot of life left to live.

    I hate to say it, but I haven't had much luck in the love department even today, but I don't quite care anymore. I date, make friends, etc, and just live life. Focusing on better myself mentally and physically.

    I used to just want to be with someone for the sake of not being alone, but that's just silly. Instead I mostly just want companionship, someone to experience life with, a good friend, who can provide more than a friend can. ;)

    I want a workout buddy that I can cuddle with, an adventurous guy who can be sensual, etc.

    It'll happen when it happens, until then I'll work on enjoying life on my own and leaving myself open to opportunities. I think you should do the same. Forget about guys for a while, go out, have fun, date, but make finding a guy a lower priority.
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    Mar 21, 2011 9:45 AM GMT
    To be honest, and most likely my opinion is probably void being a member of this site only for a short while, but most gay men in the younger generation (20-30's) are fixated on hook ups and leave the whole partner searching for when they are much older.

    So in that instance its hard to find love when others aren't looking for it.
    Of course there are others but they are a minor population currently.

    Anyway that's something that I've just noticed, correct me if I'm wrong for sure as I probably am.

    For your current situation, I feel for you I really do. Kind of in the same boat actually. Just only had a recent breakthrough where I actually got to make friends and meet up with another guy who lives in the same city and so we're actually good friends now and talk heaps.

    I'd say your best plan is to make friends first with that intention, just friends, and then when your social network is big enough, you'll find someone who you like and because you're already friends they might actually feel the same way.
    Otherwise sites like this with so much anonymity or disclosure of information (which I get for security reasons too) often makes it very difficult to find romance.

    But you're not alone so don't fret. Apart from that, if you're social network is already vast then I don't know what else to say. Hang in there I guess, that's all I've been doing haha.
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    Mar 21, 2011 9:46 AM GMT
    jrunner25 saidyikes...scarey! red flags are flying like it were some kind of Chinese festival! runnnn!


    love it, I'm so borrowing that
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    Mar 21, 2011 7:21 PM GMT
    I have not even started dating a guy and I have given up the hope of a lifetime partner...gay men are shallow from what I have learned so far...
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    Mar 21, 2011 7:30 PM GMT
    BHblondboy saidI have not even started dating a guy and I have given up the hope of a lifetime partner...gay men are shallow from what I have learned so far...


    Kiddo, that's just silly. You've given up hope before you've even made an effort? Buck up, there are plenty of gay men out there who aren't shallow - you just have to look in the right places and be patient.
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    Mar 21, 2011 8:02 PM GMT
    Where is he?? hahaicon_redface.gif
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    Mar 21, 2011 8:10 PM GMT
    you aren't looking hard enough.

    People who believe in romance and intimacy with one partner (assumed one since you said "life partner") do exist.


    <---


    You just have to look harder.
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    Mar 21, 2011 8:15 PM GMT
    _Mohammed_ saidyou aren't looking hard enough.

    People who believe in romance and intimacy with one partner (assumed one since you said "life partner") do exist.


    <---


    You just have to look harder.


    Yup yup .. u can say i was like u but i found the guy that i love him and i will love him forever <3
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    Mar 21, 2011 8:18 PM GMT
    BHblondboy saidWhere is he?? hahaicon_redface.gif


    Lol. In a college class, at a party, at the meeting of a club for an interest you share, a friend of a friend, who knows.

    To paraphrase my favorite queer advice columnist, Dan Savage: There is no "the one." Only those close enough to round up to "the one." Also, every relationship fails. Until one doesn't. icon_wink.gif
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    Mar 21, 2011 8:18 PM GMT
    These emo threads...
    a4o2t2.jpg
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    Mar 21, 2011 8:18 PM GMT
    Mahmoud_ said
    _Mohammed_ saidyou aren't looking hard enough.

    People who believe in romance and intimacy with one partner (assumed one since you said "life partner") do exist.


    <---


    You just have to look harder.


    Yup yup .. u can say i was like u but i found the guy that i love him and i will love him forever <3


    habibi! ^^^^^ <(^^<)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 21, 2011 8:46 PM GMT
    Stop looking it'll happen eventually. Particularly if you meet a lot of new people and do not have problem making new friends.

    After a break up I am always single for like a year or so and during this time I always think "shit, I am going to be single for the rest of the life now" but I always end up meeting someone new. It'll come when you least expect it.
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    Mar 21, 2011 8:50 PM GMT
    My suggestion is you relieve some of the pressure by learning who you are first. Are you ashamed of yourself? No pic, no descriptive info, who are you? How do you expect anyone to get to know you when you don't know yourself? Are you closeted? If you are, then you need to decide, are you gay or are you str8? Are you looking for a guy? Are you ashamed of who you are? Too many unknowns to figure this one out. If you only share what you're sharing here on RJ, no wonder you're not finding anyone to notice you. Who wants to get to know a 'No Photos'?
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    Mar 21, 2011 9:20 PM GMT
    Never "give up" and become jaded/bitter about romantic love. It's there, but people usually reciprocate what you give out...

    I know you're curious as to why you're in this situation which is reasonable (big fan of curiosity) but the intensity of the desperation (which can also looks like codependency) to be with someone is not attractive in itself. When you see someone across the room you notice how they look and behave and are interacting with their environment.

    You know your friends can feel your desperation/frustration...so can the strangers who are checking you out. The people who come up and engage with you can feel how badly you want it. For me, personally, these are pretty scary red flags like jrunner25 and others have said. You're in love with the idea of a relationship and what is should/will/can be...what about the person? It has little to do with the person, you're ready and primed for a fantasy. It's overall bad news.

    I totally get how you feel, I'm not diminishing that. I definitely felt that way when I was in my 20's and I know lots of people who felt similarly. eb925guy has a good idea...get to know yourself more. Live in the present. There's a good book I'm reading: http://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/1577311523 which might help? or there are about a billion other books out there that might help you to just step back and breath deeply and be more comfortable in your own skin. Even though you might think you feel comfortable in your skin currently, your description here indicates that's not the case. Although you haven't experienced it yet, there's a way to be more content and ok with what is or is not happening around you. It's like

    Enjoy where you're at and what you have...you'd be surprised how much people enjoy and want to be with those that don't NEED to be with anyone. It won't happen overnight, but it almost always happens eventually. I don't know if that's explained well....

    As a side note- gay men aren't particularly shallow, no more than any other animal. The Peacock goes after a mate because of how they look...that's why they have their feathers. Physical attraction is the first spark that usually (but not always) starts things off. You can rant and rave about it all you want...but you don't change anything. I think there's a lot more happiness in accepting what is and adapting or living one's life however one wants...

  • jim_sf

    Posts: 2094

    Mar 21, 2011 9:49 PM GMT
    AvadaKedavra saidStop looking it'll happen eventually. Particularly if you meet a lot of new people and do not have problem making new friends.


    This. If you go into every bar or every restaurant or every social event (etc) and pour 110% effort into finding The One [tm], then that means that any guy who shows the slightest glimmer of romantic interest is going to drown in the raging torrent of your expectations. Just slow down and allow things to unfold at their own pace.