Cheater or not? Not sure what to do....

  • aktotkobell

    Posts: 1

    Mar 24, 2011 11:50 PM GMT
    Hi all,

    Oh boy, where do I start. My bf and I have been dating for about 3 months now and everything had been going great up until about a week ago.

    Just a background on him:
    He is a bit older than me and has been involved in the porn industry and has been an escort in the past. He recently had to give up a high paying job to do an internship for his schooling and has been struggling on bills ever since.

    The dilemma:

    About a week ago I found out that he had been posting personals on Craigslist asking for people to have sex with him. I immediately confronted him and he told me that he was looking to see how much he would have gotten paid to start escorting again because he was behind on his bills. He said that nothing ever happened because he realized that I was more important than those people. I found some really graphic emails that involved him talking to people with no mention of money whatsoever. However, he insists that this is part of the business because technically it is illegal blah blah blah. In some of the emails he even gave the address to his apartment building but there was no indication of them actually meeting up (all the messages were deleted with people asking where he was). Anyway, it has taken me a while to forgive him, but I will never forget. We went on a trip a couple of days ago and had a fantastic time, but when I came back I fell into the same feelings.

    He has told me numerous times that he will never cheat on me cause he knows how it feels and would never want to put that burden on anyone.

    Anyway, yesterday I found another chat he was having with this guy who said that he was starving and had no food. My bf offered to buy him some food but the guy was more interested in sex. My bf kept telling him that he doesn't want to cheat and he would just hang out and play games and stuff. But then he asked how big he was and I just don't know anymore.......

    Do any of you have any advice? This has really been upsetting me to the point where I have to go seek counseling to find out how to trust him better. I want to make it better....I'm just not sure how.

    Thanks!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 24, 2011 11:58 PM GMT
    Working is not cheating.
    If you're not helping him pay his bills, let him make the money the way he knows how.
    In this economy, bill collectors don't take "morals" for payment.
  • Buddha

    Posts: 1767

    Mar 25, 2011 12:03 AM GMT
    I'm going to keep insisting that each relationship defines what they understand as cheating. Regardless it seems that you guys really really have to start talking more.

    I mean first of all he's basically saying that he's prostituing himself without telling you first although you are his partner. But secondly, I doubt that a person randomly feel that they need to look up their boyfriend on craigslist.

    And what exactly does "I found another chat" another chat mean? It sounds like you're perusing his mail and web-history.

    I think you need to clear up what you define as cheating. Have a discussion about it. It sounds like you definetely think that sex with others is cheating, but what about chatting with others? You don't seem to confront it when he describes it graphically in his mails, but it seem to make you worried.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2011 12:09 AM GMT
    He exchanged emails with guys that involved talking about penis size, sex, and his apartment. That's not just you being suspicious or sneaky, that's you having valid reason to not trust him. Whether or not he's committed the physical act of "cheating" (yet) is beyond the point already. The point is he's behaving in a way that is already unfaithful. You know this, otherwise you wouldn't be concerned.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2011 12:46 AM GMT
    If he says he's not cheating on you he's probably not. Just because he put an ad up, doesn't mean he's gonna go through with it in meeting, let alone having sex with other people. If you really don't trust him, then either play detective and follow him to gather evidence, or let him go. Letting your imaginations going wild is not good for you; it'll create more stress and wrinkles on your pretty face....uhhh (I'm just gonna assume you're pretty even you don't have a pic)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2011 12:54 AM GMT
    chayce saidHe exchanged emails with guys that involved talking about penis size, sex, and his apartment.
    How do you know?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2011 2:17 AM GMT
    That's a real tough situation. I was also in a situation where I was in a long distance relationship(went to school out of state) and when I came home from school all hell broke loose. He had a secret boyfriend which I found out about and he was a craigslist whore also. He also had multiple FWB's and when I came home he didn't know how to work it all without me finding out.

    In the end we're still friends but I look down on him because I'm not the first or most recent person he did this too. It's best to give it time and if the feelings are still there between both of you and you feel comfortable knowing his history and the way he treated you and knowing this could happen again, then go for it. But hope for the best and prepare for the worst. That's life. Shit Happens.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2011 2:31 AM GMT
    Cheater? Hmmm, hard to say without actual proof. But it wouldn't surprise me. At the very least I would say he's untrustworthy, and would be just as skeptical and worried as you. Trust in any relationship is earned....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2011 3:00 AM GMT
    The fact that he makes you feel worried when you are not with him is enough reason to suggest that this relationship is not for you.

    You really need to have a chat with him about what exactly he wants from these postings he makes.

    I mean, that is enough reason for me not to trust him...and trust is the backbone in any relationship...
  • TheAlchemixt

    Posts: 2294

    Mar 25, 2011 3:08 AM GMT
    What an ass. You deserve better than that. If it makes you uncomfortable and he doesn't change after you talked about it then dump his ass.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Mar 25, 2011 3:55 AM GMT
    All I know the minute I start questioning or suspecting someone credibility that in it in itself is a huge flag for me! furthermore I refuse to be with someone who does not respect the boundaries of a relationship...period!


    Leandro ♥
  • TrentGrad

    Posts: 1541

    Mar 25, 2011 4:07 AM GMT
    This relationship obviously isn't working for you.

    I mean, if he says he loves you and values you, and yet you still feel it's necessary to, ultimately invade his privacy, then whether he's cheating or not is moot point!

    Lets face it: if he says nothing is going on, but you still don't believe him, what more does he have to do? I'm not taking his side...but I'm also not going to take yours either because frankly, I don't think you have any business delving into his chats with other people.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2011 4:08 AM GMT
    Not to justify his behavior, but habits, both good and bad, die hard. You said he was in the industry which makes me believe that he may feel more comfortable or outgoing when he is sexing it up online than dealing with real world dilemmas like how to pay the bills. Of course none of us know for sure if he's cheating, but without proof, and with his past, it may just be a difficult adjustment? Just a thought, since you want it to work.
  • awm55

    Posts: 619

    Mar 25, 2011 4:12 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidWorking is not cheating.
    If you're not helping him pay his bills, let him make the money the way he knows how.
    In this economy, bill collectors don't take "morals" for payment.


    Are you joking? You are advocating that this guy let his bf go back to prostitution?

    wtf...icon_rolleyes.gif
  • joarky123

    Posts: 264

    Mar 25, 2011 4:25 AM GMT
    awm55 said
    paulflexes saidWorking is not cheating.
    If you're not helping him pay his bills, let him make the money the way he knows how.
    In this economy, bill collectors don't take "morals" for payment.


    Are you joking? You are advocating that this guy let his bf go back to prostitution?

    wtf...icon_rolleyes.gif


    ^^^^ What he said! WTF!?
  • alphatop

    Posts: 1955

    Mar 25, 2011 4:48 AM GMT
    If your bf is ex-porn star and escort, u have to deal with it. And his past occupation is not something that u didn't know at the first place, right? If u can't accept that, maybe u should give him ( and yourself ) a break...But, to my knowledge, once a hooker, always a hooker.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2011 5:02 AM GMT


    Watch season 2 of this show and it will make you feel better about him being an escort.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2011 5:12 AM GMT
    This is what I would tell him...especially after seeing those emails with graphic pictures

    tumblr_leoswgGkJ21qdlkgg.gif


  • Buddha

    Posts: 1767

    Mar 25, 2011 9:05 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidWorking is not cheating.
    If you're not helping him pay his bills, let him make the money the way he knows how.
    In this economy, bill collectors don't take "morals" for payment.


    Haha XD I know that my post here is useless, but that last line was hilarious
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Mar 25, 2011 10:16 AM GMT
    Dude, follow your spidey sense. Your gut instinct is right most of the time. You will either trust this guy or you won't. If you keep seeing him you will get your answers one way or another.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2011 10:51 AM GMT
    There are other ways of making money. Escorting is a way he knows how to pay the bills, but with your limits on what is cheating he can't escort and keep you. He needs to find another way or lose you, but it seems he is set in his ways. It may be the only way he knows how to make money, but it obviously isn't working out for you. Sorry to say it, but you need to find somebody else or you will be feeling horrible each time you find out and that is not a way to live.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2011 11:26 AM GMT
    FUCK THAT!

    So your older BF used to be in the porn industry. Kudos to him. He's in a relationship now and he has to work for a living and use the head on his shoulders instead of the one between his legs. Big deal. What the hell happened to all that money he was making? That's for another day I guess so I'll stick to the main topic. Your BF was soliciting for sex as an experiment (so he says/claims). So what would've happened if one of these guys he was talking to dropped a high note to have sex with him? Money changes people real quick especially when the price is right. Just to help you out with this your BF was totally lying to you with that "I wanted to see how much money I could get" line. He was definitely on the prowl for some strange.

    Something you should be thinking about is the fact that YOU found out. He didn't openly tell YOU what he was doing until YOU found out (accidentally or intentionally) and had to inquire what he was doing. That is a red flag in my book and then to listen to his whack ass story to boot. Another red flag.

    If you hadn't found out about what he was doing then there is no telling what could've happened. Too many things come to mind like 1). How long has he been doing this? 2.) who has he been chatting with? 3.) Is he being honest when he say he hasn't done anything? You don't fucking know and I can say that because you didn't know he was "selling" himself on Craigslist until YOU found out about it.

    Your BF had cheating premeditated and had it in the works til you found out. Simple as that. Cut that dude loose. Either way you slice it was spells disaster. On one hand, your BF was "experimenting" to see how much he could pull meaning given the right price he was gonna whore himself out and you weren't gonna know about it. That's cheating. On the other hand, your BF put up ads for sex and was getting graphic and was probably two shakes away from meeting someone until you found out about it and then he gave you a bogus lie about "experimenting". Cheaters tend to do that when they get caught and the stories they tell are usually grand to say the less.

    This is a relationship FAIL. Get out while you can still hold your head up high because your BF has the intent of cheating on you. Cheating by default.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2011 12:01 PM GMT
    Karma is created through mind, speech, and action. Like some guys said previously, the fact that this is his behavior of chatting up guys online, shows that he has pretty much thought about it and talked about it with those guys online. The fact that he hasn't taked action is questionable. I think his behavior in this regard shows that he doesn't respect you. Dump him if he wants to go back to hooking. Unfortunately he isn't smart enough to figure out other ways to pay the bills.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Mar 25, 2011 12:28 PM GMT
    listen, if you are unsure than i say you leave. there is a saying if you play with fire you will get burned. this guy may not want to cheat but it doesn't mean he will not though
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2011 1:34 PM GMT
    It sounds like both of you don't trust each other. Trust is critical in any relationship. If your bf is incapable of telling you what he's thinking and what he's doing that might have an impact on you and your relationship with him, that to me is a red flag. Similarly, if you're incapable of trusting what he says and what he does, that to me is a red flag also. You didn't explain how you found out about his craigslist posts, chats, etc. Were you snooping around, or did he tell you all that?