BDSM - Curious... seeking advice.

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    Mar 25, 2011 2:35 AM GMT
    I'll keep this short and sweet... I am curious about trying out BDSM (Just want to wet my feet with it). I am open to many things and just in case my life partner turns out to be a person that is into BDSM, I would like to have some experience with it. icon_wink.gif

    Questions that need some answers:
    Where is a good place to start? (Getting my comfort level up) -> I am into DS (Dom. and Sub.)
    What items do I need for it to actually be considered BDSM? -.> Paul answered that already...thanks Paul icon_smile.gif

    Feel free to share your experiences...

    cheers,




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    Mar 25, 2011 2:39 AM GMT
    BDSM has an extremely wide range of interests...there are no set rules, or toys.
    In other words, just grow some balls and be blunt about what you like. If you're not sure, go to a BDSM/leather shop and look around till you find things that are interesting to you. If you're not sure how something works, ask. Most shop personnel are accustomed to newbies, and will patiently explain things to you.
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    Mar 25, 2011 2:45 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidBDSM has an extremely wide range of interests...there are no set rules, or toys.
    In other words, just grow some balls and be blunt about what you like. If you're not sure, go to a BDSM/leather shop and look around till you find things that are interesting to you. If you're not sure how something works, ask. Most shop personnel are accustomed to newbies, and will patiently explain things to you.


    I know I am into DS (Dominance and Submission)... I want something more than "this does this"... If someone can share their experience that would be great.
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    Mar 25, 2011 4:06 AM GMT
    yourname2000 saidI'm also a little interested in this topic. icon_redface.gif

    My interest is more as a sub (and M, you might want to clarify for others who might want to answer your thread which role appeals to you more...I think it's a bit unusual for a guy to want to be both, but I could be wrong.)

    Anyway, I've liked some of the porn I've seen that's delved into this (but I do get pretty creeped out about fisting and some stuff that's not for new initiates.)

    Here are a couple of site links you might find interesting:

    http://www.boundgods.com/site/?c=1

    http://www.boundinpublic.com/site/?c=1

    Which are both related to:
    http://www.kinkmen.com/

    What I have trouble reconciling is: I don't think I'd want every sexual session to be about kink; I'd want to be treated totally like an equal out of bed; but most importantly, I can't seem to wrap my head around being a 6'3" 250lb (fairly masculine) sub. icon_neutral.gif

    Anyway, don't know if I'm ready to spend a thousand bucks on leather just yet, but if I met a guy who had this kink, I think we'd have plenty to talk about. icon_lol.gif

    ps: this scene is a guy (BDSM porn star?) taking his real-life lover through his first experience with BDSM....gotta say, I found it really hot.
    http://kinkmen.kinkvod.com/wl/shoot/11414-Spencer-Reed-takes-his-real-life-partner-Phillip-Aubrey-on-a-BDSM-journey-for-the-first-time.html

    pps: I'm sure all of that was "TMI", but not sure how the topic could be discussed otherwise. icon_smile.gif


    This is perfect! Thanks icon_smile.gif

    To answer your question about which I prefer... it really depends on my mood.

    Sometimes I will want to be the one holding the whip and other times I would be the one wanting to get whipped.

    P.S: There are lots of tall sub masc. guys so you aren't the only one ;) and it is definitely acceptable.
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    Mar 25, 2011 9:42 AM GMT
    I'm not really into the S&M part of it all but I do like a bit of light bondage and being 'the master' every once in a while, it's not something to do all the time I don't think, just something else to add to the repetoire.

    I think if you're a total beginner you could maybe just try out the things I like to do sometimes - light bondage such as tying them up with dressing gown/robe cords, or using blind folds or soft handcuffs. Get a few leather items such as bicep straps, wrist cuffs and a leather jockstrap and play the master role - get them on their knees sucking your dick, get them hog-tied over a chair or something and break out the sex toys on them before fucking them into next week, tease them with different sensations while they are blindfolded, like cold (ice) hot (candes/matches/wax) sweet (sucking chocolate sauce off your fingers)...basically just be creative and fun with it!

    That's really as far as I like to dip my toes, but at least if you try that and find out you want more, you have a starting point to build from. Leather kit can be pretty expensive so start off small! I'd like to get a leather harness at some point.
  • tokugawa

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    Mar 25, 2011 8:53 PM GMT
    Spanking is a good place to start. No equipment needed, just your hand will work.
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    Mar 25, 2011 9:07 PM GMT
    tokugawa saidSpanking is a good place to start. No equipment needed, just your hand will work.


    True. icon_twisted.gif

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    Mar 25, 2011 11:11 PM GMT
    There are BDSM rules. Any true, experienced BDSM practitioner will tell you that. There are a variety of books, training manuals, and other publications geared towards BDSM newbies...that would be a good place to start. There are also various classes on BDSM (e.g., Japanese rope art, etc.) that BDSM practitioners advertise/offer, but you need to choose the right ones for you. You might also want to find an experienced BDSM mentor to introduce you to new things and to take you to the next level. BDSM is not something that you get into on a whim...it's an art form and a unique form of self-expression. If you're going to do it, learn the art and don't fuck it up like other ignoramuses do. People get hurt engaging in purported BDSM because they don't know what the fuck they're doing (e.g., unmonitored and careless "figging" could be severely traumatizing to a newbie). Contact me if you have any questions, but don't pepper me with too much because I do get pissy once in a while.
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    Mar 26, 2011 2:02 AM GMT
    yourname2000 saidSurely there are some other guys on RJ who can share a "how I met my dom" story??? (And I'm not asking for stories to jack-off to...I'm interested in how you broke the ice.)


    I would also like to hear from other experienced BDSM'ers how they got into it... so I can do something similar.





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    Mar 26, 2011 4:30 PM GMT
    _Mohammed_ said
    yourname2000 saidSurely there are some other guys on RJ who can share a "how I met my dom" story??? (And I'm not asking for stories to jack-off to...I'm interested in how you broke the ice.)


    I would also like to hear from other experienced BDSM'ers how they got into it... so I can do something similar.



    Generally speaking, dom/tops can "sniff" sub/bots and sub/bots can "sniff" dom/tops like dogs in heat. Don't ask me how, but it's almost inexplicably instinctive. That's how you meet the right "partner" in the BDSM arena (and within the BDSM arena there are subcultures). And, by the way, if you have any preconceived notions of what a dom/top or sub/bot looks like physically, those notions--generally fueled by the media--are most likely outdated and inaccurate (for example, a substantial number of dom/tops look like your typical boy- or girl-next-door hottie).

    Now, how do you get started? First, you have to know what makes your head spin. Does bondage (the "B" in BDSM) float your boat? Do you like having someone discipline or control you pysically or psychologically (the "D" in BDSM). Do you enjoy being subservient to a master (the "S" in BDSM). Do you get off on receiving some level of pain (the "M" in BDSM)? Once you've identified that, then you can pursue a course of action that will get you to where you want to be. Luck sometimes play a part. For example, in my case, I was introduced to the culture by a female sub who was 20+ years my senior who knew right off that bat that I would be a natural dom/top. She taught me invaluable practices and techniques that I was able to hone through practice over the years. Nowadays, there's a ton of information and resources that are availalble online. You might want to look into some of these online sites, such as collarme.com and recon.com; even craigslist has some helpful information/posts. A good number of BDSM practitioners are gender-neutral--meaning, even if a male advertises as a "straight" dom/top, he might not necessarily be averse to hooking up with, or teaching/mentoring, a bi or gay guy. There's no reason why you can't ask. In general, "authentic" BDSM people are polite, helpful, and live by certain rules. Establish initial contacts with people who share your interests and go from there.

    Be very selective and discerning. Recognize that for every dom/top there are probably 10+ sub/bots, so there's significant competition for hot and experienced dom/tops--that's just the way the numbers work. Finally, acknowledge that it's never a good thing to have your life revolve around BDSM, although some BDSM-focused people live and breath BDSM (I don't subscribe to the latter). In my mind, the healthiest approach is to integrate BDSM into your lifestyle, but it should never be your lifestyle.
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    Mar 26, 2011 6:23 PM GMT
    DOMINUS said
    _Mohammed_ said
    yourname2000 saidSurely there are some other guys on RJ who can share a "how I met my dom" story??? (And I'm not asking for stories to jack-off to...I'm interested in how you broke the ice.)


    I would also like to hear from other experienced BDSM'ers how they got into it... so I can do something similar.



    Generally speaking, dom/tops can "sniff" sub/bots and sub/bots can "sniff" dom/tops like dogs in heat. Don't ask me how, but it's almost inexplicably instinctive. That's how you meet the right "partner" in the BDSM arena (and within the BDSM arena there are subcultures). And, by the way, if you have any preconceived notions of what a dom/top or sub/bot looks like physically, those notions--generally fueled by the media--are most likely outdated and inaccurate (for example, a substantial number of dom/tops look like your typical boy- or girl-next-door hottie).

    Now, how do you get started? First, you have to know what makes your head spin. Does bondage (the "B" in BDSM) float your boat? Do you like having someone discipline or control you pysically or psychologically (the "D" in BDSM). Do you enjoy being subservient to a master (the "S" in BDSM). Do you get off on receiving some level of pain (the "M" in BDSM)? Once you've identified that, then you can pursue a course of action that will get you to where you want to be. Luck sometimes play a part. For example, in my case, I was introduced to the culture by a female sub who was 20+ years my senior who knew right off that bat that I would be a natural dom/top. She taught me invaluable practices and techniques that I was able to hone through practice over the years. Nowadays, there's a ton of information and resources that are availalble online. You might want to look into some of these online sites, such as collarme.com and recon.com; even craigslist has some helpful information/posts. A good number of BDSM practitioners are gender-neutral--meaning, even if a male advertises as a "straight" dom/top, he might not necessarily be averse to hooking up with, or teaching/mentoring, a bi or gay guy. There's no reason why you can't ask. In general, "authentic" BDSM people are polite, helpful, and live by certain rules. Establish initial contacts with people who share your interests and go from there.

    Be very selective and discerning. Recognize that for every dom/top there are probably 10+ sub/bots, so there's significant competition for hot and experienced dom/tops--that's just the way the numbers work. Finally, acknowledge that it's never a good thing to have your life revolve around BDSM, although some BDSM-focused people live and breath BDSM (I don't subscribe to the latter). In my mind, the healthiest approach is to integrate BDSM into your lifestyle, but it should never be your lifestyle.


    thanks, that helped a lot.
    However, you seem to be referring to strictly dom/top and sub/bot
    What about for those that want to be dom & sub (switch halfway through the "session") and are vers?
    How do I pick those out?
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    Mar 26, 2011 8:55 PM GMT
    I've been told that fetlife.com is a good place for newbies to find the local scene. Although come to think of it, it was women who told me that.
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    Mar 27, 2011 1:34 AM GMT
    mindgarden saidI've been told that fetlife.com is a good place for newbies to find the local scene. Although come to think of it, it was women who told me that.
    Some female fetish models I'm aquainted with are always trying to get me to come to the fetlife parties in Tampa.
    I'm like "ewww...females in leather...ewww..." and they're like "LOL!"
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    Mar 27, 2011 2:14 AM GMT
    paulflexes said
    mindgarden saidI've been told that fetlife.com is a good place for newbies to find the local scene. Although come to think of it, it was women who told me that.
    Some female fetish models I'm aquainted with are always trying to get me to come to the fetlife parties in Tampa.
    I'm like "ewww...females in leather...ewww..." and they're like "LOL!"


    just joined that site... its set-up is strange... no chat... hard to introduce yourself really. icon_evil.gificon_evil.gificon_evil.gificon_evil.gificon_evil.gificon_evil.gif
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    Mar 27, 2011 5:10 AM GMT
    In my experience, Fetlife is mostly straight. I joined and actively used it for about a month, and there were very few gay guys that didn't want to dress up as women on the site. No thanks.

    The word you're looking for is "switch." I'm a switch. If I find a hot, hairy muscle-daddy that can tie me up, beat my ass, then take me and use me as a fuck hole to get off in, then by god I'm going to sub. If he can't keep up with me, I'm showing him how it's done. And hell, sometimes I just like watching people squirm in pain with no sex involved at all. Some of my greatest sessions had me quivering on the ground with my knees too weak to stand, and no sexual contact existed besides kissing.

    There are rules, but there are no organized rules to BDSM. The most important rule you'll learn is that all play must be safe, sane, and consensual. Any other rules, you'll learn from your Sir. Every Sir has different rules. Since you're a switch, you're going to want to start out subbing for other Doms. I've never let a Dom touch me that didn't start as a sub himself. If the person doesn't know what their techniques feel like first-hand, do not trust them if you are new. Subbing is a great way to feel around for what gets you off. Don't go out and buy any gear, because once you start getting into this type of play, you're going to throw away the cheap shit you picked up and wasted your money on that nobody uses. Find an experienced Dom to introduce you to new things. Be warned that some Doms do not play with new subs. I typically won't take in a new sub unless they impress me with some sort of in-depth want into the lifestyle that I can really get a sense of. A good way to start out is just going to a few leather / fetish bars and introducing yourself to a few people. Don't hook up the first night you go. Just ask around what other people are into, tell them that you're new, and that you're wanting to learn. You'll find a group fairly easily that will take you in and let you know who you'd be a good match for.

    Don't hook up on Craigslist.

    I was right at about your age when I first started getting into the leather / BDSM (clarity: BDSM is a joined acronym, meaning "Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism. Now fuck terminology and have some fun) at about your age, and don't worry, you'll probably be the youngest one at the leather group. You'll also be fresh meat, and absolutely everyone will be trying relentlessly to play with you. Learn as much as you can, listen to your Sir, learn to become a good Sir yourself, and never over-represent yourself. Let everyone know that you're new, so that they know to take it easy at first. Trust me, you've got years to develop a rosebud out of your ass by sticking anything and everything up there (and loving it, slut), so take your time. Negotiate everything up front before you start to play.
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    Oct 02, 2011 1:41 PM GMT
    I think you can go to some BDSM Bondage Party.