Second Times the Charm?

  • DrobUA

    Posts: 1331

    Mar 25, 2011 5:28 AM GMT
    Hey Realjock,

    Long time no talk. Been pretty busy with life and haven't looked at these forums in probably 10 months but I recently ran into a situation that I'd like some input on. I recently ran into an ex bf I haven't seen in almost 2 years. I went down to Tucson with some friends for St. Patty's Day and got a little (very) drunk. Turns out my ex is now working at the main gay bar down there. Anyways, ran into him and was really happy to see him, he looked good, it felt good, and we ended up hooking up. So we've been talking since and I'm considering starting things up again. We ended things on pretty good terms but the main reasons we broke up were, 1. I was brand new to the game, had just come out, wasn't exactly sure what I wanted. 2. He was a little clingy, never gave me much alone time and 3. Just wanted to see what else was out there. Now a lot has changed in the 2 years we've been apart. I've moved 2 hours away back up to Phoenix, I've dated a lot and seen what's out there, and I've learned a lot as far as relationships go. The fact that we've got 2 hours between us makes me think that the clinginess is no longer going to be a problem but of course could add other issues.

    Anyways. In your experience, is getting back together with an ex a recipe for disaster?
  • TheAlchemixt

    Posts: 2294

    Mar 25, 2011 12:59 PM GMT
    Hey, just because he lives two hours away does not mean he will be less clingy! If you guys were ever to move in with each other which could be a possibility in the future you'll have to worry about living with a clingy person. Also just because you have grown as a person in two years doesn't mean that he has! Either way I wish you well. -Ryan
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    Mar 25, 2011 1:24 PM GMT
    If it didn't work the first time, it's not going to work the second time. Circumstances change, but people don't. If the relationship ended because of a circumstance, e.g., distance, I can see how two people could re-establish their relationship. If the relationship ended because of a personality issue, e.g., jealousy, that poses a different set of problems.
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    Mar 25, 2011 1:42 PM GMT
    I think you should give it a shot again since you guys have had some time apart. Certain habits are hard to change, so don't count on your ex being less clingy. Most people would advise not to go back there, but I ultimately think that choice is yours to make alone. Does it feel right to you? Do you like him? Sometimes it just comes down to timing. It doesn't hurt to see whats possible.
  • DrobUA

    Posts: 1331

    Mar 25, 2011 7:54 PM GMT
    I do like him and it does feel right. I think I'm just gonna try and take it VERY slow and see what happens. Thanks for the input.
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    Mar 25, 2011 7:57 PM GMT
    Good luck! Hope it all works out well.
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    Mar 25, 2011 8:13 PM GMT
    Hmmm well better late than never! It could work out for the best and all that, but I think before you guys get back together you should address the first time round in your relationship. The reality is time has past, and you should have both grown as people, but not all things change. Issues that were issues the first time may resurface and its best if you start something like this with it already addressed instead of hoping for the best; we tend to return to old patterns.

    If you were worried about him being overly attached and involved distance is not going to address that as Mix has stated. I would even say distance is not a barrier to being clingy in todays modern society where email, text, and cell phones make us more available to others than ever before. All I can say is talk about it, tell them how you felt about it, how you are concerned about that now and be honest if you haven't already.
  • Beeftastic

    Posts: 1747

    Mar 25, 2011 9:06 PM GMT
    It sounds like you have your head screwed on right, so I would trust your judgement. Things can be different the second time, if both parties have grown. With your experience, you probably have better boundaries and ways to manage his clinginess, if it comes up again. Don't be afraid to talk to him about it and how it contributed to your break up last time, which should set the tone for your new thing.
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    Mar 25, 2011 10:11 PM GMT
    DrobUA saidI do like him and it does feel right. I think I'm just gonna try and take it VERY slow and see what happens. Thanks for the input.


    Well, you are doing a good job taking very slow considering you have hooked up already. ROFL (Sarcasm)
  • DrobUA

    Posts: 1331

    Mar 26, 2011 12:57 AM GMT
    frenchatheart said
    DrobUA saidI do like him and it does feel right. I think I'm just gonna try and take it VERY slow and see what happens. Thanks for the input.


    Well, you are doing a good job taking very slow considering you have hooked up already. ROFL (Sarcasm)


    Haha we had already hooked up plenty when we dated, it was nothing new. By take things slow I meant more emotionally. Like not having him stay at my place 5-6 times a week like he used to.
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    Mar 26, 2011 1:18 AM GMT
    Good luck! icon_wink.gif
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    Mar 26, 2011 1:28 AM GMT
    DrobUA said
    frenchatheart said
    DrobUA saidI do like him and it does feel right. I think I'm just gonna try and take it VERY slow and see what happens. Thanks for the input.


    Well, you are doing a good job taking very slow considering you have hooked up already. ROFL (Sarcasm)


    Haha we had already hooked up plenty when we dated, it was nothing new. By take things slow I meant more emotionally. Like not having him stay at my place 5-6 times a week like he used to.


    5-6 times a week is A LOT. That will definitely place stress on any relationship. I think you got that distance thing working for ya. Just make sure he doesn't quit his job and move in back with you! I mean not until you are ready for him to do so, anyway. I'm sure you're wiser and more mature this time! Good luck!
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    Mar 26, 2011 1:29 AM GMT
    Ahhh Tucson main bar "It's 'bout time?" Might have to stop in and check him out next time I visit the parents.
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    Mar 26, 2011 1:57 AM GMT
    What stuck out for me is that you had JUST come out when you guys were together before. You were a kid in a candy store and of course you wanted to check out the other candy.

    Now you've had two years to play the field and get things out of your system...so things ARE different.

    I hope it works out. Good luck!
  • DrobUA

    Posts: 1331

    Mar 26, 2011 3:56 AM GMT
    sdgman saidAhhh Tucson main bar "It's 'bout time?" Might have to stop in and check him out next time I visit the parents.


    Thats the one haha
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    Mar 26, 2011 4:15 AM GMT
    Hmmm...well I think there's more than one school of thought on this. You know, Bill and I understood each others' clinginesses and most of all their whys. There are a lot of reasons why and some are enough to melt a heart into molten gold. And so the neediness is reflected when you realize this is the kind of man you want in your life; one who has needs and because of that, recognizes yours.

    -Doug
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    Mar 26, 2011 4:42 AM GMT
    your clearly infatuated with the guy and you dont want to say what if. but at the same time.... disaster....

    thin ice kinda thing really
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    Mar 26, 2011 4:57 AM GMT
    Just Doug here, I think you need to understand needs better. Here is one, one that I wouldn't have any other way, as both of us feel this way about each other..



    Can you hear me calling
    Out your name
    You know that I'm falling
    And I don't know what to say

    I'll speak a little louder
    I'll even shout
    You know that I'm proud
    And I can't get the words out

    Oh I...
    I want to be with you everywhere
    Oh I...
    I want to be with you everywhere
    (Wanna be with you everywhere)

    Something's happening
    Happening to me
    My friends say I'm acting peculiarly

    Come on baby
    We better make a start
    You better make it soon
    Before you break my heart

    Oh I...
    I want to be with you everywhere
    Oh I...
    I want to be with you everywhere
    (Wanna be with you everywhere)

    Can you hear me calling
    Out your name
    You know that I'm falling
    And I don't know what to say

    Come along baby
    We better make a start
    You better make it soon
    Before you break my heart

    Oh I...
    I want to be with you everywhere
    Oh I...
    I want to be with you everywhere
    Oh I...
    I want to be with you everywhere
    Oh I...
    I want to be with you everywhere
    (Wanna be with you everywhere)
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    Mar 26, 2011 4:57 AM GMT
    Give it a shot man. If you guys get along and are attracted to each other. Like you said, you are in a different place.

    I recently reunited with my first BF, he's still a total freakin' hottie. Before I moved here from San Diego we had a great dinner and messed around a bit. I would have entertained the thought of revisiting something... but I live across country now.