Am I right to be concerned, or am I just being critical?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2011 7:03 AM GMT
    Hi guys,

    I've met someone whom it seems I could have a potential serious relationship. He used to be married and divorced when he came out as gay many years ago. He's sexy etc- but I'm concerned. He drinks a LOT and have seen him drunk on 2 occasions- he seems to always be drinking. Now I have no problem with alcohol per se but I get concerned in someone is finishing off a bottle of wine every night.

    Second: he has a sort of "outrageous" quality (not camp) which to my mind is more than just being a happy, bouncy person. It comes across as almost trying to escape certain feelings etc- now add alcohol to the equation and I end up concerned. In his joky way, he's said one or two things that have defo felt like a put down, and its been in fronrt of his friends.

    I feel stupid sharing all of this but any answers would be great .

    Thanks guys.
  • TheAlchemixt

    Posts: 2294

    Mar 25, 2011 11:28 AM GMT
    Blactor,

    This guy sounds like an alcoholic! Please take this from someone who was involved with an alcoholic for 7 years, monogamous and we lived with each other. Why so long? I was in love with him. The guy was a good guy when he was not drunk. He actually is a binge drinker. I could only describe him as dr. Jekyll and mr. Hide. When I would come home I would actually be worried about who I would get that day.
    Now if this guy is an alcoholic you have to understand that this guy is broken and needs to be fixed before he is even ready to be in a relationship. The guy needs treatment, alcoholism is a sick disease. You may want to be in a relationship but seriously it sucks being on the receiving end of a partner who is an alcoholic.
    Please take my advice. You seem to sweet of a guy to get caught up in something like this. - Ryan
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2011 11:34 AM GMT
    Yes. You should be concerned and you should confront him about this. If you really like this dude and you see a future with him then you should take it upon yourself to address what problems you see before they go unchecked. If you don't then you'll only have yourself to blame when the shit goes sour inthe relationship.

    If he needs help then help him get it because he sounds like an alcoholic and that shit gets worse when it goes unchecked.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Mar 25, 2011 12:01 PM GMT
    Read your own post twice. I think the answer is right there.
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Mar 25, 2011 12:02 PM GMT
    A bottle of wine is about 2-3 glasses of wine, so that alone is not a real biggie. But his behavior is what is setting you off. When he is sober, have you addressed his put downs towards you? If he doesn't see a problem with it, or that he cannot correct the issue, then he has an alcohol problem.

    If you determine that he has an alcohol problem, and you really want to help him, you can seek out counseling through many alcohol counseling services that helps those who have loved ones with alcohol problems.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Mar 25, 2011 12:05 PM GMT
    A bottle of wine is six standard glasses of four ounces each plus a bit.
  • fitnesshound

    Posts: 36

    Mar 25, 2011 12:11 PM GMT
    Maybe you should just ask him about it. Ask him about the put downs he put on you and let him know you were a little offended. Ask him about why he drinks so much. If he denies it or dissembles in some way, that can be your answer right there.

    If he actually is an alcoholic, then point me toward AA and resolve to just be his friend (or not even that), but I wouldn't get into a relationship with him.

    If he is actually an alcoholic, it's a disease of the mind and spirit and, if he needs to work on it, he'll need to focus on that rather than a new relationship. AA recommends that newcomers to the 12-step program stay out of relationships for at least a year after they begin. To me, that sounds like excellent advice for someone on the outside who is thinking of forming a relationship with a (potential) alcoholic.

    Take your time, don't rush, don't fall in love until you're sure he's stable. If he's not stable, no matter how great he might be, he's effectively "unavailable" for a relationship.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Mar 25, 2011 12:24 PM GMT
    buddy, i say run and let someone else fix that problem. unless you think he is worth the sacrifice.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2011 2:36 PM GMT
    Mixleanmachine saidBlactor,

    This guy sounds like an alcoholic! Please take this from someone who was involved with an alcoholic for 7 years, monogamous and we lived with each other. Why so long? I was in love with him. The guy was a good guy when he was not drunk. He actually is a binge drinker. I could only describe him as dr. Jekyll and mr. Hide. When I would come home I would actually be worried about who I would get that day.
    Now if this guy is an alcoholic you have to understand that this guy is broken and needs to be fixed before he is even ready to be in a relationship. The guy needs treatment, alcoholism is a sick disease. You may want to be in a relationship but seriously it sucks being on the receiving end of a partner who is an alcoholic.
    Please take my advice. You seem to sweet of a guy to get caught up in something like this. - Ryan


    QFT

    Great post!
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Mar 25, 2011 2:40 PM GMT
    I'd be very aware of what you've identified and just watch and see how he behaves with a few dates. If his actions are confirmed, I'd move him out of the picture. You don't need that!
  • samasaurusrex

    Posts: 84

    Mar 25, 2011 3:02 PM GMT
    Lol. That guy doesn't sound like an alcoholic... He IS an alcoholic. In a meeting I heard a statistic. There are 3 types of people: those who don't drink or drink seldom. Those who drink socially (1-2 drinks a month). And those who abuse alcohol. I'm not sure that I agree with it completely, but a bottle of wine a night is pretty abnormal. If you like the guy, get your ass to an alanon meeting pronto.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Mar 25, 2011 3:12 PM GMT
    Only time will tell. That sounds like a friend of mine almost to a T. He is not an alcoholic but drinks when the occasion arises. But then again he had a medical condition and he couldn't drink for months without him craving or needing a drink.

    Then again, your guy might be a raging alcoholic. Time will answer all questions.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2011 3:49 PM GMT
    LJay saidA bottle of wine is six standard glasses of four ounces each plus a bit.
    If you get 6 glasses of wine out of a bottle then you have less than standard glasses. Sounds more like the pour of a cheap ass restaurant than an ACTUAL glass of wine.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2011 3:52 PM GMT
    Perhaps you should sit him down while he's sober and talk to HIM about it.
  • badtouch

    Posts: 67

    Mar 25, 2011 3:53 PM GMT
    Celticmusl saidOnly time will tell.... Time will answer all questions.


    I agree. Is there something wrong with taking it slow and to try to be friends? You seem think this a worthwhile individual if perhaps not one with whom you wish to entangle long-term. But there are questions; you lack truth. Ignore conjecture for now and consider how you feel.

    If you have questions, answer them. Make time. Give yourself the opportunity to find truth. This is not an all-or-nothing proposition.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2011 3:55 PM GMT
    RUN like hell..............

    (answer given by experience)
  • awm55

    Posts: 619

    Mar 25, 2011 3:55 PM GMT
    coolarmydude saidA bottle of wine is about 2-3 glasses of wine, so that alone is not a real biggie. But his behavior is what is setting you off. When he is sober, have you addressed his put downs towards you? If he doesn't see a problem with it, or that he cannot correct the issue, then he has an alcohol problem.

    If you determine that he has an alcohol problem, and you really want to help him, you can seek out counseling through many alcohol counseling services that helps those who have loved ones with alcohol problems.


    A bottle of wine a night is about 6 beers. Doing that every night would absolutely classify you as an alcoholic.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2011 5:10 PM GMT
    I see red flags. I also doubt asking him about it is going to make him forthcoming, quite the opposite I would think, denial!! I suppose what you could do although it may not sound ethical is to go out to a club for a fun night and see how much he drinks and how he carries on during and after, as well towards you. Even so that isn't proof positive he's an alcoholic or not but you'll get an idea of who you're dealing with because alcoholics can be all chummy and fun one minute and turn mighty nasty as soon as you cross them or they cross some point after a certain amount of drinks. But then again some just stay jolly throughout the whole drunk.
    Like Casions proverbial fat people LOL
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2011 5:15 PM GMT
    I think when people start noticing that someone is drinking alot they are probably drinking too much. You're likely seeing him on his best behavior, what is he doing when you aren't there?
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    Mar 25, 2011 5:16 PM GMT
    awm55 said
    coolarmydude saidA bottle of wine is about 2-3 glasses of wine, so that alone is not a real biggie. But his behavior is what is setting you off. When he is sober, have you addressed his put downs towards you? If he doesn't see a problem with it, or that he cannot correct the issue, then he has an alcohol problem.

    If you determine that he has an alcohol problem, and you really want to help him, you can seek out counseling through many alcohol counseling services that helps those who have loved ones with alcohol problems.


    A bottle of wine a night is about 6 beers. Doing that every night would absolutely classify you as an alcoholic.


    Alcoholism is not defined on how much you drink, or how frequently for that matter. Like any disorder of the mind, the main requirement of the condition is that it effects your day to day life in a negative fashion. If you can drink a bottle of wine a day, and get your shit done/maintain positive relationships, then you are not an alcoholic.

    If you just get drunk on the weekends, and you cant function at work because of it, then you are an alcoholic.

    That being said, I do not think it is healthy to drink a bottle of wine a night.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2011 5:54 PM GMT
    He sounds exactly like me, swapping the wine for beer. icon_eek.gif

    Your first concern is probably not okay. An entire bottle of wine is a lot. You should probably be concerned just on that alone, but if he's getting drunk by himself more often than not, it's a rather serious problem.

    As for your second concern, all I can say is learn to take a joke. If he makes fun of you, return the favor... but don't go too overboard; you may actually offend him.

    Of course, this is why I've never gotten along with a gay guy I've known in real life before; because they can't take a god damn joke. I make fun of my friends all the time and they make fun of me and it's a good time.

    Fix your panties so they're not in a bunch and, while you're at it, try to loosen up.
  • safety43_mma1...

    Posts: 4251

    Mar 25, 2011 6:31 PM GMT
    not to be mean but being forward and honest, he sounds like a he does have a drinking problem and if he is able to say mean stuff even as a joke that isnt right. i would have to say this in closing it is up to u but if u ask me he is not worth your time at all.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 25, 2011 8:27 PM GMT
    run....red flags are waving......if you're questioning it, it probably is true....listen to your gut...
  • Beeftastic

    Posts: 1747

    Mar 25, 2011 8:59 PM GMT
    It sucks doesn't it? So many guys seem so good when you get to know them, but once you get inside, you can start to see the problems. Sounds like you don't have a lot invested in him, which is a good thing. I would prepare yourself to distance from him.

    If he asks, I would do him the courtesy of telling him why. It might help him. He might get pissed at first, but he is sure to consider it after he cools down.
  • awm55

    Posts: 619

    Mar 25, 2011 9:01 PM GMT
    Chainers said
    awm55 said
    coolarmydude saidA bottle of wine is about 2-3 glasses of wine, so that alone is not a real biggie. But his behavior is what is setting you off. When he is sober, have you addressed his put downs towards you? If he doesn't see a problem with it, or that he cannot correct the issue, then he has an alcohol problem.

    If you determine that he has an alcohol problem, and you really want to help him, you can seek out counseling through many alcohol counseling services that helps those who have loved ones with alcohol problems.


    A bottle of wine a night is about 6 beers. Doing that every night would absolutely classify you as an alcoholic.


    Alcoholism is not defined on how much you drink, or how frequently for that matter. Like any disorder of the mind, the main requirement of the condition is that it effects your day to day life in a negative fashion. If you can drink a bottle of wine a day, and get your shit done/maintain positive relationships, then you are not an alcoholic.

    If you just get drunk on the weekends, and you cant function at work because of it, then you are an alcoholic.

    That being said, I do not think it is healthy to drink a bottle of wine a night.


    This is totally 100% wrong. Ever heard of a high-functioning alcoholic?