Many hook-ups decrease the chance of a relationship?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 27, 2011 9:04 AM GMT
    Hi guys,

    Here are my thoughts - lately I feel like the more hook ups I have, the less chance there is to start an actual relationship. It's like... people just wanna have sex with you.

    Do you think that having more casual sex affects the way others see you in a negative way? I mean... we all have casual sex, why the judgment icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 27, 2011 9:32 AM GMT
    I think it depends on the image your projecting v.s. what your goal is.

    If your fucking everything that moves its possible guys wont think your relationship material cuz your being a big "ho". If your actually dating guys, having sex & it doesn't work out I think thats a different story.

    If your looking for someone to get serious with & you want to date maybe dont sleep with them on the first date & etc. Theres nothing wrong with being interested in a guy, being attracted to them & wanting them but if its all that other guys see you doing then they'll think thats all you want or your good for is a good fuck.
  • starboard5

    Posts: 969

    Mar 27, 2011 1:09 PM GMT
    There isn't a blanket answer to this question since everyone is different and comes to know himself in his own time. But, in general, I believe it does have a negative effect on your relationship potential if what you want is a committed, monogamous relationship.

    Think about it: to a great extent, we are a product of conditioning. You don't condition yourself for commitment and monogamy by sleeping with someone different every week.

    You're young and learning about yourself and other people, so some amount of "variety" is normal. It sounds like you've reached a place where you've had enough.

    Don't be too hard on yourself. Sometimes dissatisfaction can be a good thing. It can motivate us to make changes that are more in concert with what we really want.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 27, 2011 1:17 PM GMT
    fulldelight saidI mean... we all have casual sex, why the judgment icon_rolleyes.gif
    Welcome to the catch22 of dating life.
    If you're a virgin, they want you to get experience.
    If you're experienced, you're a slut.
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    Mar 27, 2011 2:59 PM GMT
    paulflexes said
    fulldelight saidI mean... we all have casual sex, why the judgment icon_rolleyes.gif
    Welcome to the catch22 of dating life.
    If you're a virgin, they want you to get experience.
    If you're experienced, you're a slut.


    I can't agree with Paul more. You can't friggin' win in this stupid game so just be yourself and have fun.
  • XxXxXxAZNxXxX...

    Posts: 615

    Mar 27, 2011 3:11 PM GMT
    I don't think they decrease the chance of a relationship as long as the meaning of sex still is there. Sex is suppose to be something that two people share; some intimate bonding that is beyond just hanging out with someone. It's about a deeper connection. If it is just so that people can get off, then yeah I would have to agree.
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Mar 27, 2011 3:17 PM GMT
    I had no sexual encounters and found no boyfriend, then had tons of sexual encounters and still had no boyfriend.There might be another variable in the equation.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Mar 27, 2011 3:39 PM GMT
    We all have casual sex? Since when? Why is it the whoriest people think that everyone else are whorish too? Is there a skank out there that has ever had the notion that other people might have other ways to live their lives?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 27, 2011 3:48 PM GMT
    You're correct.

    Guys "just wanna have sex with you" because often times they already have something back home or maybe they're closeted and not emotionally ready to deal with a relationship.

    These guys appear to make up 80% of the gay community...but that's a fallacy. Monogamous couples are everyplace, but they don't hang out in bars or post ads on CL. So they're there, but we don't see them.

    I know guys who've been together over 40 years and have a good circle of friends. What they have is much more rewarding than an endless parade of hookups. If you want a relationship, you have to start making it known in online profiles, and by your reputation in the town you live in. Eventually you'll start dating guys who are interested in more than what you look like...and the sex will certainly follow. It always does.

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    Mar 27, 2011 3:58 PM GMT
    Celticmusl saidWe all have casual sex? Since when? Why is it the whoriest people think that everyone else are whorish too? Is there a skank out there that has ever had the notion that other people might have other ways to live their lives?


    Why is having casual sex whorish and skanky? Is there a prude out there who isn't so judgemental?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 27, 2011 4:04 PM GMT
    Lol...icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 27, 2011 4:09 PM GMT
    fulldelight said
    Here are my thoughts - lately I feel like the more hook ups I have, the less chance there is to start an actual relationship. It's like... people just wanna have sex with you.


    I have a crazy thought; How about you stop pursuing or engaging hookups and see if your belief about actual relationships are possible changes?

    In my opinion, there is absolutely nothing wrong with hooking up/casual sex; However, if you're hooking up in the hope that it turns into an 'actual relationship,' you're setting yourself up for FAIL.
  • Celticmusl

    Posts: 4330

    Mar 27, 2011 4:11 PM GMT
    unfounded7 said
    Celticmusl saidWe all have casual sex? Since when? Why is it the whoriest people think that everyone else are whorish too? Is there a skank out there that has ever had the notion that other people might have other ways to live their lives?


    Why is having casual sex whorish and skanky? Is there a prude out there who isn't so judgemental?



    Um, that's pretty much the definition of whorish and skanky, like..... literally. Look it up. Other than that, I have friends that call me man-whore all the time and I'm just like "whatever".

    Sorry, I just really find it immensely ignorant, insulting, and stereotyping for someone to think that just because you're gay that you have casual sex. It really is offensive if you think about it.
  • Hokenshi

    Posts: 387

    Mar 27, 2011 4:18 PM GMT
    Celticmusl saidWe all have casual sex? Since when? Why is it the whoriest people think that everyone else are whorish too? Is there a skank out there that has ever had the notion that other people might have other ways to live their lives?


    +1

    I've had sex with guys I've dated or had some kind of relationship with. Sex isn't something I waste on everyone.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 27, 2011 4:37 PM GMT
    White4DarkerFL saidYou're correct.

    Guys "just wanna have sex with you" because often times they already have something back home or maybe they're closeted and not emotionally ready to deal with a relationship.

    These guys appear to make up 80% of the gay community...but that's a fallacy. Monogamous couples are everyplace, but they don't hang out in bars or post ads on CL. So they're there, but we don't see them.

    I know guys who've been together over 40 years and have a good circle of friends. What they have is much more rewarding than an endless parade of hookups. If you want a relationship, you have to start making it known in online profiles, and by your reputation in the town you live in. Eventually you'll start dating guys who are interested in more than what you look like...and the sex will certainly follow. It always does.




    totally agree
    It does very much seem like the guys who just wanna hookup are the easier ones to find. I think if you want a relationship and not just a one night fling you've got to wait, and have standards. Guys who are looking for relationships are looking for someone who seems classy, has standards, and will be loyal. If people know you're sleeping around chances are guys looking for relationships will think you aren't dating material.
    If they're holding out for someone they actually like they probably expect you to be doing the same.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 27, 2011 4:49 PM GMT
    Celticmusl saidSorry, I just really find it immensely ignorant, insulting, and stereotyping for someone to think that just because you're gay that you have casual sex. It really is offensive if you think about it.


    I've thought about it and I don't kind it offensive. But I don't subscribe to the belief that there's something immoral or shameful about sex. Sexual desire is a natural part of the human experience and surrendering to that doesn't make one a whore.....unless you're charging for it. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 27, 2011 5:21 PM GMT
    Why worry about what other people think? If you feel like hooking up with every John, Jim and Joe, then be it. Be happy, have fun, and make the most out of every hookup--just be safe. Fuck the holier-than-thou judgmental gay guys on here and elsewhere. When you find the right mate who won't judge you and you're ready to be in a relationship, then you can stop hooking up to focus on making your relationship work. Until then, have fun.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 27, 2011 5:25 PM GMT
    Why do gay men use the values and language of the same morality system which damns them, at the start?

    There's nothing wrong with sex between two consenting adults, period. It doesn't make the people involved morally lesser, and it doesn't make either of them less able to be in a relationship.

    Now, they may have casual sex because they aren't in a place in their lives that allows for a relationship, but I don't think the cause-and-effect works the other way, at least not for most.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 27, 2011 5:25 PM GMT
    DOMINUS saidWhy worry about what other people think? If you feel like hooking up with every John, Jim and Joe, then be it. Be happy, have fun, and make the most out of every hookup--just be safe. Fuck the holier-than-thou judgmental gay guys on here and elsewhere. When you find the right mate who won't judge you and you're ready to be in a relationship, then you can stop hooking up to focus on making your relationship work. Until then, have fun.


    Yup.
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    Mar 27, 2011 5:30 PM GMT
    Casual sex doesnt make you boyfriend material?

    Thats the most absurd thing I have ever heard of. We are all human, and just because someone feels like exploring, or even tells me that he has had casual sex before, doesnt mean I would cross him off of the list as a potential.

    It is all about being upfront with your intentions. I find most of my dates through Grindr (a hook up app) and I tell them all from the get go that I dont do anal sex with someone unless I know them pretty well. That sets the standard for the expectation that if we were to fool around, anal play is not in the picture. A lot of guys think that its "cute" that I do that (I dont know why, its just a personal preference.)

    Its all about personal preference. I know gay men who would have casual sex only, no dates, and eventually they found someone that they fucked for 2 years straight, which turned into a relationship. It worked for them because that was what they needed to have in order to get that emotional connection. I am the opposite, I need that emotional connection to physically connect with someone. One isnt better than the other, its just personal preference.

    BTW Skank and whorish means they have more sex than I do. Nothing more.
  • awm55

    Posts: 619

    Mar 27, 2011 5:31 PM GMT
    Celticmusl said
    unfounded7 said
    Celticmusl saidWe all have casual sex? Since when? Why is it the whoriest people think that everyone else are whorish too? Is there a skank out there that has ever had the notion that other people might have other ways to live their lives?


    Why is having casual sex whorish and skanky? Is there a prude out there who isn't so judgemental?



    Um, that's pretty much the definition of whorish and skanky, like..... literally. Look it up. Other than that, I have friends that call me man-whore all the time and I'm just like "whatever".

    Sorry, I just really find it immensely ignorant, insulting, and stereotyping for someone to think that just because you're gay that you have casual sex. It really is offensive if you think about it.


    I find it insulting too, but in some way you can't really blame people for thinking this. The gay world is immensely more sexual than the straight world. Walk around any gay neighborhood and you will find gay bars with stupid suggestive names like "the cock" and sex shops, its just so damn tacky. Throw in Pride, bathhouses, and gay "dating' sites and we as a people really do scream casual anonymous sex.
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    Mar 27, 2011 5:31 PM GMT
    RunnerBen saidWhy do gay men use the values and language of the same morality system which damns them, at the start?

    There's nothing wrong with sex between two consenting adults, period. It doesn't make the people involved morally lesser, and it doesn't make either of them less able to be in a relationship.

    Now, they may have casual sex because they aren't in a place in their lives that allows for a relationship, but I don't think the cause-and-effect works the other way, at least not for most.


    I think the only time casual sex is not ok is if one person wants the emotional connection, and the other "plays" them into casual sex for a while with no intention of giving that connection. Otherwise, yes, I completely agree with what you said.
  • awm55

    Posts: 619

    Mar 27, 2011 5:34 PM GMT
    Chainers saidCasual sex doesnt make you boyfriend material?

    Thats the most absurd thing I have ever heard of. We are all human, and just because someone feels like exploring, or even tells me that he has had casual sex before, doesnt mean I would cross him off of the list as a potential.

    It is all about being upfront with your intentions. I find most of my dates through Grindr (a hook up app) and I tell them all from the get go that I dont do anal sex with someone unless I know them pretty well. That sets the standard for the expectation that if we were to fool around, anal play is not in the picture. A lot of guys think that its "cute" that I do that (I dont know why, its just a personal preference.)

    Its all about personal preference. I know gay men who would have casual sex only, no dates, and eventually they found someone that they fucked for 2 years straight, which turned into a relationship. It worked for them because that was what they needed to have in order to get that emotional connection. I am the opposite, I need that emotional connection to physically connect with someone. One isnt better than the other, its just personal preference.

    BTW Skank and whorish means they have more sex than I do. Nothing more.


    Again, it depends how they go about it. If the guy is soliciting anonymous sex on the internet and going to bathhouses then there is no way in hell I would date him. If a guy sleeps with his friend or has sex with a guy he went on a few dates with then that is totally different.

    Casual sex is a catch all term for drastically varying behavior.
  • swimmer8671

    Posts: 429

    Mar 27, 2011 6:15 PM GMT
    Lets look at this in the same aspect as high school. A girl is good and doesn't have sex and people will call her a prude for such, but a girl who has sex once is a slut, and even more is a total whore.

    But then again there are several girls who have sex once and get so much attention for it that even if they don't like all the negative they love the attention none the less so they keep doing it, and eventually no guy will ever date them because all they see them as is the girl who had a 4 some with blah, blah, and blah. (true story)

    If you personify yourself as just wanting hookups no guy is going to look at you as relationship material because he assumes that all you are going to want is sex.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 27, 2011 6:31 PM GMT
    awm55 said
    Chainers saidCasual sex doesnt make you boyfriend material?

    Thats the most absurd thing I have ever heard of. We are all human, and just because someone feels like exploring, or even tells me that he has had casual sex before, doesnt mean I would cross him off of the list as a potential.

    It is all about being upfront with your intentions. I find most of my dates through Grindr (a hook up app) and I tell them all from the get go that I dont do anal sex with someone unless I know them pretty well. That sets the standard for the expectation that if we were to fool around, anal play is not in the picture. A lot of guys think that its "cute" that I do that (I dont know why, its just a personal preference.)

    Its all about personal preference. I know gay men who would have casual sex only, no dates, and eventually they found someone that they fucked for 2 years straight, which turned into a relationship. It worked for them because that was what they needed to have in order to get that emotional connection. I am the opposite, I need that emotional connection to physically connect with someone. One isnt better than the other, its just personal preference.

    BTW Skank and whorish means they have more sex than I do. Nothing more.


    Again, it depends how they go about it. If the guy is soliciting anonymous sex on the internet and going to bathhouses then there is no way in hell I would date him. If a guy sleeps with his friend or has sex with a guy he went on a few dates with then that is totally different.

    Casual sex is a catch all term for drastically varying behavior.


    I think that depends on the person dating as well. I wouldn't care if someone was doing these behaviors as long as he is not doing it while dating me.