Closeted Str8 Friend

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    Jun 24, 2007 6:58 AM GMT
    How do you address a str8, married, best friend who professes his love and desire for you? If the str8 guy refuses to communicate, then should one leave the situation alone, or do something? And, to complicate matters, he has children. So, this guy professes his love, and now refuses to communicate at all. What do you do? How would you address the situation?
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    Jun 24, 2007 9:19 AM GMT
    I would walk away from the situation and have nothing to do with the man. Let him sort out his issues on his own. Maybe he could even talk to his wife about it.
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    Jun 24, 2007 10:33 AM GMT
    Run to the nearest exit!!

    Do not be the one to rip his family apart when you already know he has no guts.
    Why would he stay with you? He won't stay with his own childern!

    Running is also very good for you! Good luck
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    Jun 24, 2007 4:24 PM GMT
    Refer him to a good counselor and pull back from that relationship as quickly and neatly as you can. And whatever you do, don't have sex with him.
  • trebor965

    Posts: 200

    Jun 24, 2007 6:41 PM GMT
    fuck him and start crying when you cum. give him a taste of his own meds. kidding! sounds like buddy needs to figure his shit out. sounds like there is more to the story, also.
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    Jun 24, 2007 6:47 PM GMT
    tell him you are flattered but he needs to get his life sorted. Unless you like being second best and with a cheater. The kids situation is irrelevant its the fact he is still committed to someone else at the second.



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    Jun 24, 2007 9:28 PM GMT
    s_daedalus2008, you don't say how YOU feel about him.

    My take is this...if you are truly best friends (and that's all you want), just let him know that you will be there when he's ready to talk. And then, back off until he's ready.

    If you feel the same way about him, that makes the situation so much more complicated. Personally, I wouldn't want to bring the drama that would create into my life. You'd be setting yourself up for a big letdown. I'd probably have to walk away and let him work this out for himself.

    Please let us know how it goes...
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    Jun 24, 2007 9:39 PM GMT
    Indeed, good questions Laddy1962. And s_daedalus2008, good luck with the situation!
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jun 25, 2007 10:39 AM GMT
    Do you want to be involved in a drama that can in all likelihood be set to operatic music someday?
    This has all the earmarks of a disaster in waiting
    ...I'd stay out of it if I were you
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    Jun 25, 2007 2:07 PM GMT
    Don't just abandon him. Trust me, he's hurting. I do agree that it's a bad situation for you but a great opportunity to let him know that he needs to figure out where he's at in life. He's in a very tough spot, a commitment and family and most likely not real happy. There's so much that makes it hard to just walk away like some think he should do but for you, a friend he could use just be on the up and up with him.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Jun 25, 2007 3:03 PM GMT
    Agree with all the above- good advice take it. A guy will say they love anything with a hard on. He is not going to leave the wife and he should find a good therapist. All he can offer you is hurt!
  • Lincsbear

    Posts: 2603

    Jun 25, 2007 3:20 PM GMT
    Like the guys above,I think you need to leave this guy alone for a while until he gets himself sorted out a bit.I doubt very much he`ll ever leave his wife and children for you.To me he sounds either confused,or he wants both you and the woman;the respectability and the excitement.
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    Jun 25, 2007 3:22 PM GMT
    It must have taken your best friend a lot of courage to admit his feelings for you.

    If he is indeed your best friend, you should let him know that you care for him very much and appreciate him being honest with you. Let him know that you would like to be there for him when he's ready to talk.

    Giving his current situation (married w/ children) I certainly wouldn't recommend getting involved with him sexually, but if you do care for him, he probably really could use a friend.

    Good luck.
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    Jun 25, 2007 4:53 PM GMT
    Hm, compassion is important and it's necessary to give your friend that. However, you must have respect for yourself and know that you deserve a man who's not dealing with these issues. You can be supportive of this guy, hell, you can even talk to him about how you two can be together...once he works this issue out. Personally, the whole "in the closet" thing is over a decade behind me and an issue I refuse to subject myself to.
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    Jun 25, 2007 5:38 PM GMT
    I would let him find were he stands on life. Then still be his friend if he stays with his wife and kids. If he continues to try to find a relationship in you I would say no but still help him find someone. If he tries to go both ways leave.
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Jun 26, 2007 1:05 AM GMT
    Sounds like most people would have stated the obvious...have compassion for this guy, but

    DRAW A BIG BOUNDARY EARLY WITH THIS GUY...he really needs to figure out what is going on with his current marriage...and if he is just coming out...think back at what a mess we all were when we were first coming out...I would definitely not go back there for myself or another person...

    It's easy to say "just walk away", but it is also just as easy to get caught up in his own drama by being there for him...which doesn't really help either of you...

    Careful on this one.

    - David
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    Jun 26, 2007 5:42 AM GMT
    yep the coming out boyfriends are never keepers its just realising his own sexuality. All this crap tho that he will bnever leave his wife and kids what a load of rubbish, I would love to know what on earth people are basing that on. Theres hundreds of gay guys out there who have been married and have kids.

    But as with many they profess they're love to the first guy they actualy feel comfortable with, which is just a sign of their sexual immaturity. Its not to say he doesnt love you but no doubt he will get the kid in a candy store mentality if he leaves her and shags will want to shag anything with a pulse until he finds his identity/type

    He maybe avoiding you as he has put his sexuality out there and its scared him witless or he has realised saying the above was a mistake and that the word love was way too strong. Just play it cool drop him a note saying you appreciate what he said and the courage it must have taken to say it and if wants to talk about it more thats cool if not then lets just move on with our friendship

    That way you leave the door open to be friends and support him if he needs to.

    Now the question is do you fancy him? Would it be his unattainable status or do you value his friendship more?
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    Jun 26, 2007 4:56 PM GMT
    Thank you for sharing--each of you! I'm not sure what the best tactic is--and, I think the result will prove painful for me. I've referred him to a therapist many time, and, of course, as someone said, I don't want to be the person responsible for the success or failure of his marriage. So..., in the end, more than ten years of friendship is lost--and, I must admit that is difficult: "time" is a struggle-if that makes sense. I had hoped the outcome to this whole situation could have been different.

    Please know that I have appreciated your comments and anticipate hearing more--a little more time to digest the discussion wouldn't hurt either.

    Peace!
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    Jun 28, 2007 12:49 AM GMT
    Even if he does start communicating with you again, as long as he can keep you a secret from his wife, he's not leaving. Do you really honestly want to be someone's side dish? Was he sober when he said this? If I was in the situation (which I think is actually a possibility with a friend of mine) I would be inclined to tell him about himself and he should have thought about his closeted feelings before ran out getting married and popping out kids. Don't waste time on it.
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    Jul 08, 2007 3:07 PM GMT
    don't give up on your friend buddy - he is truly scared that he shared something with you that no one else knows and that he has tried to protect himself from for a long time. he told you his most vulnerable feeling - and that gives you enormous power over him, it also means he's at a level where he can no longer handle it on his own or keep it bottled up. he's ignoring you but he's actually screaming for your help in the process. keep trying to contact him - dont suggest a therapist anymore - just keep telling him you are there for him and eventually he will "cave in". dont trash a friendship though. but at the same time, if yo dont have those feelings for him - let him know that. dont look at him as a cheater - he was doing his best to live life the way our society -- and his family -- has said it's supposed to be lived. good luck buddy - trust me - this situation happens more than you think