So date number 12...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 28, 2011 5:25 AM GMT
    There's this man that I met on coincidence. We had a lunch/cooking dinner date yesterday (#12). We sleep over at each other's, and we have yet to have sex of any kind. We do kiss and cuddle, but we are both not ready to push anything any further.

    What I like most is our conversations. He has his D.M. so we sit for hours over tea/coffee/cooking talking about subjects of music. Yesterday we had a lengthy 2 hour conversation about capriccio and rhapsody form with their stylistic influences and interpretations. These are the things I find so sexy.

    Here's the block: He's not comfortable with his sexuality at 41. He's not really identified with being gay or straight, and yes I have met a few of his friends.

    We were laying in bed last weekend and he told me out of honesty that he has very strong christian beliefs and that's why he interacts with me in public the way he does. He's not affectionate.

    I must say having him around has been quite a relief and enjoyment for me. I find myself being honest with him except the fact that I am not okay with someone being closeted.

    For those that are openly gay, how would you tackle this?
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    Mar 28, 2011 5:33 AM GMT
    hauptstimme said... I find myself being honest with him except the fact that I am not okay with someone being closeted. ...


    You may have to choose:
    1. to accept his "closeted" choice, and find a way to be happy with him.
    2. to not accept his "closeted" choice, and find a way to be happy without him.

    We cannot change others. We can only change ourselves.

    I hope things work out for each of you, and both of you.

    Aloha and Be Well!

    Alan
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    Mar 28, 2011 1:32 PM GMT
    Just be his friend, he isn't ready and will make you go crazy if you continue a romantic relationship. You will never be #1 always a secondary priority. If he can't love him self, how can he love someone else.
  • alphatop

    Posts: 1955

    Mar 28, 2011 1:34 PM GMT
    GAMRican said
    hauptstimme said... I find myself being honest with him except the fact that I am not okay with someone being closeted. ...


    You may have to choose:
    1. to accept his "closeted" choice, and find a way to be happy with him.
    2. to not accept his "closeted" choice, and find a way to be happy without him.

    We cannot change others. We can only change ourselves.

    I hope things work out for each of you, and both of you.

    Aloha and Be Well!

    Alan


    +1, totally
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 28, 2011 1:40 PM GMT
    hauptstimme saidFor those that are openly gay, how would you tackle this?
    I would tell him he has two choices:
    1. Stop playing hard-to-get and just be a fuck buddy...no cuddling, no late-night intellectual talks, etc, ...just sex and leave...or
    2. Come out of the closet and stop being a pussy.
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    Mar 28, 2011 2:08 PM GMT
    Get the fuck out while you can & get too emotionally involved. Believe me, as someone living in the bible belt & have seen too many closet cases, the closer you get to him the deeper he'll run into the closet & want to drag you with him.
  • bad_wolf

    Posts: 1002

    Mar 28, 2011 2:11 PM GMT
    Crunch time - he has have the things you want or be the guy to want, if he can't do that and you can't accept him in this current state and current ways then you may never be truly happy.
  • goofrider

    Posts: 22

    Mar 28, 2011 2:13 PM GMT
    While I do hate how guys write me off for seemingly only relatively minor and random reasons (it's just an excuse to break up because they later on decided they're not interested anyways), and there were many guys I regret not taking it further because I didn't give them a chance, being closeted is probably one of those universally-accepted dealbreakers.

    At least he was honest with you, and he's not denying he's attracted to you. I've messed with some "str8" guys before who ran hot and cold and sometimes just plain being an ass in public to me because they felt ashamed to be attracted to another guy.

    If you really like him and think he has potential to overcome this and come out, at least to the point that he's comfortable with himself being gay, by all means tell him so and let him know you'll be behind him all the way giving him all the support he needs. As he really needs help to do this. Some closet cases are simply not ready, he seems to be on the verge and reluctant to take to final steps. But you'd know where he stands better than I do.

    It might be a bad idea to be romantically involved with him during this time. You could get hurt. He might decided he's not ready and shut you out from his life. Or he might finally come out and decide to break up with you so he can go try the buffet. If you decided to take the risk, I wish you good luck and hopefully it'll work out. I don't mean to be pessimistic, he could still break your heart even if he weren't a closet case. Just proceed with caution if you still want to be romantically involved with him, and be prepared for the other outcomes.

    There are probably a few things you should find out if you don't know already:

    - Has he dated (platonically or sexually) other guys? How did they turn out? How does he feel about those experiences?

    - Does he have gay friends? Is he out in the gay circles?

    - How long has he been at his current level of outness?

    I'm sure you can think of other things that you can ask to find out for yourself the level of involvement you want him and whether he's ready to come out.

    Generally, if he's out in the gay circle but not to the str8 world in any level for some years and there's no recent progress Or signs of a willingness to take the next steps, that's probably what's he's comfortable with and you probably won't change it.

    If he doesn't have gay friends and is totally on the DL, and haven't even dated (both emotionally and sexually involved) with a guy, you probably need to get away from him as he's likely not ready. If you want to be sure, take it a step further next time you were in bed with him. If he pushes you away or feel guilty afterwards, he's a lost cause and want to stay at his current status. If he feels relieved and happy mostly, he might have a good chance making it.

    Like others have said, you can't change them and they are damn right. But if he's ready for the next steps, it's really important that has friends who care about him to get him through. You'd know where he stands much better than we do. Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 28, 2011 2:35 PM GMT
    Very hard:

    being a christian he gonna have to do a lot of soul seraching to reconcile himself and if he does come out it will mena many of his christian friends will reject him... I wouldnt be there trying to have a relationship with someone who is closeted.. you will be the one he will unleash all his issues on and you will end up having to lie and hide.

    It doesnt work.
  • goofrider

    Posts: 22

    Mar 28, 2011 2:49 PM GMT
    redbull saidGet the fuck out while you can & get too emotionally involved. Believe me, as someone living in the bible belt & have seen too many closet cases, the closer you get to him the deeper he'll run into the closet & want to drag you with him.


    OMG speaking of bible belt. I hooked up with this guy once (he approached me), clearly a closet case but didn't think much of it at the time.. A few days later I ran into him again and he was like, "do you know the truth?" I was waiting for some personal revelation, the truth about himself. Maybe how he's about to take the next step.

    Next thing came out of his mouth, "Jesus is the Truth". I almost rolled my eyes and busted out laughing, I wanted to tell him, "WTF? You just sucked my dick the other day."

    But anyways, I simply wasn't in the mood to deal with his big bag of Southern Baptist Christian guilt BS and just took off.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 28, 2011 3:22 PM GMT
    All very good points.


    All my eggs are not in this basket: Believe me I'm a realist. The best part about him is our friendship that we've developed. I ask myself everyday if this is going to go anywhere, no.

    I'm not opposed to going on a date with someone else. I've thought about this quite abit, and out of respect I actually have thought about talking to him about this. I definitely would say something ahead of time to him if someone finally decides to ask me out.

    On the top of my mind, I'm not sure that he's sexually experienced enough for me. I'm not too keen on venturing down that road. That would be like having sex with a 20 year old. Gross.

    I guess here's still the answer to my own question. It will never develop into a partnership. A friendship, yes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Mar 29, 2011 12:25 AM GMT
    He is a friend. Move on if you are looking for something more.