Great story. In some ways, I would imagine that getting over a man that was gay would be easier. After the pain subsides from the disclosure and subsequent internalizing of it all, realizing that "it was never you" is clearer than if he had just gone for another woman. Despite having a completely different, but repressing, background and complicated relationship, I found so many parallels to my story and recovery from the betrayal of being caught up in someone else's confusion. It's hard to look back at a marriage of that long and not be upset and angered that his "problem" was displaced to you, that a life you thought you were creating with someone has been a lie, and that his intimacy and identity issues were something that he allowed you to internalize as your problem. The "living a lie" part is the most difficult to process. You have to make peace with the time you lost and what could have been of the time that was taken from you. After accepting the uncertainty of what the relationship was and time lost, the focus becomes finding your own way to appoint value to that time in order to allow yourself to have good memories. I imagine that her involvement in the gay community is a way for her to appoint that value, to find meaning to the hurt and to move closer to forgiveness. I continue to remain involved, 3 years after ending my relationship, in groups that were instrumental to my healing and still are. Only now, I moderate. Sharing your story is cathartic.
My interpretation of him coming clean after being caught hiding money is that he had probably told so many lies that he just ran out of any thing else to come up with or perhaps he was physically and mentally tired of having to tell them. I can only imagine it to be harder for him to come to grips with the pain he has caused.
"Somehow, I'm an even stronger person because of the pain I endured." In these situations, when the very core of your being has been rocked, growth is solitary and usually isn't conventional, The extent of self exploration is intense as you literally back you mind out of the false beliefs and pain in the search for a resolution. The end result and beauty of it all, a "self awareness" is born. For children that have been repressed by family or religion, it's a gift that you realize may not have happened without having been put to such a test. Emerging from the pain, gratitude. I see that with her.
What an inspiration of beauty and resilience.